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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

WWYD - DH putting idea of holiday above family

155 replies

Bambam60 · 24/01/2020 19:36

I've just had a massive argument with DH becuase he's desperate to go on an exotic holiday next year (just me and him) and I'm not sure I want to leave our DS. When he wants to go, our DS will be 2 and a half. I have no experience with kids as DS is my first, but I feel at that age he will understand we've gone and be really upset by it! Or not, but the point is he could be and I don't want to take that risk. I'd also miss him terribly so I just don't think I'd enjoy it.

My parents would happily look after him, but I also don't want to put that burden on them. I can imagine looking after a toddler for close to 2 weeks is not easy?!

To put things into a bit of perspective, my DH absolutely loves to travel and any chance he gets he's researching destinations for us to go to. It's how we lived pre-baby and he just can't seem to adapt to not living life that way now.

Anyway, I feel really upset by what DH has said and I just want to see how others would react to this. When I said I didn't think this would be a good idea and suggested other lovely holidays we could go on where we could take DS, he said no he doesn't want to have to wait to go on this holiday. Then he said "fine I'll just go on my own then". So I said "you mean you would rather go away on your own for 2 weeks to the destination you want then go on holiday with your family to somewhere else". I asked him this 3 times because I was so shocked that yes he absolutely would?!!

And then, to top it off, he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child. Was not joking!!

It's just so manipulative and selfish. I feel like my feelings do not matter here at all and he basically tries to pressure me into things that make him happy but are in complete conflict with how I want to raise our son :(

OP posts:

VenusTiger · 24/01/2020 20:51

He goes alone. To the holiday this year and you go somewhere nice and warm with your parents (or not) and DS.
You’ll miss him OP, whatever age.

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/01/2020 20:51

This is tough. Because the only thing holding him back is a conflict between you two as to the idea of what family life entails.
Family life doesn’t have to include family holidays. At age 2 they don’t remember the Holidays anyway and would be better off developing that relationship with their grandparents.
Family life can mean just the two of you going away without kids because a happy marriage will help with the stresses of family life.

Your viewpoint (the opposite of above) is just as valid, but don’t start getting all moral high ground because there is no one right way or right choice here.

FFSFFSFFS · 24/01/2020 20:52

ultimately, his life is pretty easy and he really doesn't have to do very much. He's a great dad and you can see how much our son loves him, but it's very much starting to feel like he opts in and out of parenting and it's only great if it's going his way

I think this is the crux of the issue. I feel for you. That's crap.

carly2803 · 24/01/2020 20:52

no sorry would not leave my children for 2 weeks. or even 2 days at that age!

hes being an arse OP, stand firm, and selfish. Plenty of holidays which are child friendly and fun. Life does not stop when you have kids, just changes!

Quartz2208 · 24/01/2020 20:53

OP I have a feeling neither of you have actually grasped that parenting creates a new normality and that things cannot go on without embracing that change.

He cannot opt in and out of parenting and he cannot have his own way.

And what you should be going is we are no longer a couple we are a family of 3 lets look at what memories and travel we can do together. Not constantly look at trying to get back the normality that has gone

millymoo1202 · 24/01/2020 20:55

Goodness me, why did you actually have a family? Best holidays we had were when kids were little, albeit it was to Majorca etc, not hiking with chimps! One day when they are big they won’t want to come with you!!

Original poster

Bambam60 · 24/01/2020 20:58

@PlanDeRaccordement the issue for me isn't that he wants to go away, it's that I can't seem to voice a concern without being shot down and manipulated. I'm actually all for couple holidays, then then one we are going on this year, bit there has to be a balance. Given I didn't say no I just said "lets see how this year's holiday goes first" I think he's being entirely unreasonable

OP posts:

Douberry · 24/01/2020 21:00

Sounds like you've already got two toddlers to deal with... Let him go as he'll just resent you and try and find other ways to control you I suspect. Just let him know in no uncertain terms what a selfish twat he's being.

kayakingmum · 24/01/2020 21:03

If it means that much to him I would go and try to enjoy it. Your DS may miss you, but even if he does he will get over it/forget it. He would probably have a great time with your folks.
If travelling was something you did before your DS I think it's unreasonable to expect your partner to suddenly want to give that up completely. It clearly matters a great deal to him.

Original poster

Bambam60 · 24/01/2020 21:07

@kayakingmum that's a different perspective and I do think you have a point. It's just now, I feel a bit like if I was to turn around and say what you've said, it's almost like I'm validating his behaviour. That might be a bit childish I don't know.

OP posts:

HairyToity · 24/01/2020 21:11

I often defend the man, but this time no. Me and my DH had our first night away without our daughter when she was four. Now we have two children I don't think it'll happen again till they are teenagers. This is due to not having the childcare plus having clingy children.

There is a mum from school who regularly holidays with husband, and son is left with grandma. It works for them. They facetime daily and the son loves being cared for by grandma.

You can't commit to this holiday yet. You need to test the waters with a short break.

Lipperfromchipper · 24/01/2020 21:13

Of course you can take your son!! Plenty of ppl take their children on holidays like that op!! Check out travelling families on Instagram!! It is very possible, children are very adaptable and can enjoy those holidays too.

PlanDeRaccordement · 24/01/2020 21:14

OP
I wasn’t there but it seems you both said things in anger during the argument that are regrettable. (His second child comment. You bluffing that he would not go alone). I would write off a lot of the argument under the category of things said in anger but not really meant. I can understand being angry about being disagreed with and him nkt fighting fair in an argument. But that is a separate relationship issue to work out.

Which comes down to...you have one child who is only 2.5yrs old. Honestly, we took our children on every holiday from under 1yr old. Today they remember NONE of the great holidays from pre age 6. They don’t remember the fun we had throwing pumice rocks into the Aegean Sea learning about the only rock that floats. They don’t remember riding camels in Egypt. They don’t remember see wild elephants in Sri Lanka. Fact.
Looking back, I think we should have left them with grandparents (now too late) and had then they could have had a relationship with them and then taken them on holidays with us when they were age 5 on up.
That’s just my viewpoint from some 18yrs ahead of where you are now.

UndertheCedartree · 24/01/2020 21:21

Personally I would not have left my DC at 2 and a half atall - let alone 2 weeks. I remember my cousin going away with her DH for a week when their DC was 2. He stayed with his grandparents who already looked after him 2 days a week so who he was very happy with. But it was awful and he cried for his DP a lot. My cousin didn't enjoy being away from him either.

Even now my 2 are 12 and 7 - I really wouldn't want to go away without them. I enjoy spending my spare time as a family. If I was seeing another part of the world I'd like them to see it too. Why can't you just go on the holiday as a family?

Idontkowmyname · 24/01/2020 21:22

@Bambam60 you already have a second child this “man”. To use children as bargaining chips is poor form and to be quite honest I’d be reconsidering my future with someone whose priorities/values were so in contrast with mine.

Isadora2007 · 24/01/2020 21:24

no holiday - no second child. What kind of a controlling cunt comes up with something like that FFS?

My ex husband said something pretty identical. If he couldn’t have his hobbies and his social life I couldn’t have a second baby. He was a controlling cunt tbh. Just wish I’d seen it then and not waited 4 years til he had his affair...

MsTSwift · 24/01/2020 21:27

Has he missed the memo? Flying the worst thing you can do for the environment his plans sound selfish and irresponsible

WhereShallWeMoveTo · 24/01/2020 21:30

I think your parents would be justified in feeling pretty pissed off if he booked another child free holiday for next year before waiting to see how they and your DS cope with things on this one.

He sounds incredibly selfish and entitled.

Nogoodusername · 24/01/2020 21:30

Two weeks is far too long. Really excessive. If your DH didn’t want his life to change at all after having a child then he shouldn’t have had one

Jeleste · 24/01/2020 21:33

He definitely didnt handle it very well. But when my parents offered to take our kids for 1.5 weeks DH and i both jumped at the chance of a kid free holiday. Its just not the same as going away with children.

Leflic · 24/01/2020 21:33

As someone who has a DP/DH that has to travel a lot for work, my view is that children just assume it’s the norm. A 2 year old feels super cross because you aren’t letting them have a banana, Peppa Pig repeat or the red trousers. They won’t get 2 weeks away is any sort of trial with granny and grandad.
I had the same worries. It’s very normal. However as my dad pointed out they won’t batt an eyelid at 16 ditching you at 16 for a week in Spain with their mates.

FFSFFSFFS · 24/01/2020 21:33

@PlanDeRaccordement do you think though that even though they cant remember details, the feelings and experiences would have been so good for their development though?

I think even if kids won't remember something that doesn't mean its not incredibly good and important for their development.

OP - tbh it sounds to me like you're feeling pressured to be a cool wife and love doing all these adventure things even when you actually don't really want to prioritise them.

If I was on a chimpanzee trek with a couple and knew that they'd left their two and half year son at home I think it was a bit weird tbh - how can chimps possibly be cooler then your own young offspring!

ConsolidateTheBiscuits · 24/01/2020 21:35

Are you both just assuming you click your fingers and your parents have your child whenever you want for however long you want them to. Why did you have a child?

Quartz2208 · 24/01/2020 21:35

Why on Earth didn’t you do these things before you have children? As I have said you really don’t seem to have grasped your new normal as a family of 3

JasonPollack · 24/01/2020 21:35

Good thing he's looking at the polar bears now. They probably won't be there for your DS with all the irresponsible flying you're doing.

He's being a twat though. Don't indulge him. Is he normally like this in arguments--syas whatever he can to 'win' whether he means it or not?

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