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Original poster

WWYD - DH putting idea of holiday above family

155 replies

Bambam60 · 24/01/2020 19:36

I've just had a massive argument with DH becuase he's desperate to go on an exotic holiday next year (just me and him) and I'm not sure I want to leave our DS. When he wants to go, our DS will be 2 and a half. I have no experience with kids as DS is my first, but I feel at that age he will understand we've gone and be really upset by it! Or not, but the point is he could be and I don't want to take that risk. I'd also miss him terribly so I just don't think I'd enjoy it.

My parents would happily look after him, but I also don't want to put that burden on them. I can imagine looking after a toddler for close to 2 weeks is not easy?!

To put things into a bit of perspective, my DH absolutely loves to travel and any chance he gets he's researching destinations for us to go to. It's how we lived pre-baby and he just can't seem to adapt to not living life that way now.

Anyway, I feel really upset by what DH has said and I just want to see how others would react to this. When I said I didn't think this would be a good idea and suggested other lovely holidays we could go on where we could take DS, he said no he doesn't want to have to wait to go on this holiday. Then he said "fine I'll just go on my own then". So I said "you mean you would rather go away on your own for 2 weeks to the destination you want then go on holiday with your family to somewhere else". I asked him this 3 times because I was so shocked that yes he absolutely would?!!

And then, to top it off, he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child. Was not joking!!

It's just so manipulative and selfish. I feel like my feelings do not matter here at all and he basically tries to pressure me into things that make him happy but are in complete conflict with how I want to raise our son :(

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 24/01/2020 22:24

if he can't go away then I can't have a second child

I? Takes only one person to have a child? Not WE?

So he thinks you had a baby for your own gain? He really doesn’t see that the child is also his baby and his responsibility does he?

Shookethtothecore · 24/01/2020 22:29

I left my 2 children for 12 days to go on a dream holiday the other side of the world. I’ve left them before for long weekends and I told dh it was too far and too long but he wasn’t having any of it. So I went. It was paradise, but I was there in body and not in mind and I just wanted to go to bed early and get another day closer to being back with them. It felt the other side of the world to them and I couldn’t wait to get home, total waste of money. Dh and I took a break in a city an hour away for 4 days exploring and I had a better time. Like I say I leave them about 3/4 times a year for weekend breaks but that long holiday was too much. I will never do it again when they are little

BoomBoomsCousin · 24/01/2020 22:30

I don't think either of you are particularly unreasonable in your reaction to this particular holiday idea. Both positions are reasonable and it seems you've both made different assumptions about what family life should be like and now you're having difficulty reconciling. So may be counseling would help to help you sort out where you have different approaches and how you can negotiate a reasonable compromise.

But this:

"it's very much starting to feel like he opts in and out of parenting and it's only great if it's going his way."

raises big alarm bells. If this is actually just a symptom of him cherry picking the bits of parenting he wants to do while leaving you to pick up all the grunt work that doesn't really interest him, a different approach to counseling is needed because compromise won't work if he is actually just ducking out of all the hard work. I wouldn't make the holiday the issue you broach this larger issue over, though.

FunnysInLaJardin · 24/01/2020 22:36

whether or not my DC would be perfectly happy with grandparents etc, I would miss them too much to leave them at home while DH and I went on holiday. They are 14 and nearly 10 and we have always been on holiday together. It is essential as a time to be together and forget about work and school tbh.

Plus we are a family and being together in a relaxed environment is essential for our collective well being.

Redwinestillfine · 24/01/2020 22:40

Do you think he's suggesting it on purpose so he gets to go alone? ( Given last time). No chance I would be leaving a 2 year old for more than 2 nights ( I haven't left my 8 year old longer than that). If you're not comfortable with adults only holidays tell him it's not on the cards. It's not unreasonable to want your kids with you ( and it is unreasonable to expect family to look after them for that long).

oobedobe · 24/01/2020 22:41

I think he is panicking that the time is running out for 'selfish' exotic travel. And he should be, you have one toddler and it won't be that long before another baby (if he 'lets' you!) and then he is worried you are going to put a stop all his travel plans.

I think he needs to first realize that your parents are not an infinite resource to abuse when he wants to scratch his travel itch. I think 1 full week, and maybe a weekend here or there is all you can ask fairly of them (especially when you have another dc) each year.

Second unless you are very high earners the cost of raising 2 dc is not insignificant and he might find less funds available for his multiple trips a year.

Basically he needs to man up and research some fun and interesting places to travel with DC, both now and in the future and stop seeing them as limiting his life in some way. We can all swan around the world on challenging adventures pre-dc but can he do it WITH dc that's the real challenge IMO.

C0untd0wnC0ff33 · 24/01/2020 22:43

He has chosen polar bears, instead of his family

His actions tell you everything

Why did he create a child ? You haven't said anything positive about him being a parent !

Do you get to spend the same amount of childfree time alone on an exotic adventure too ?

I would not have any more children with him

I've known other men who live their wives & children behind for their various hobbies or for their employment

You need to try to work out a compromise or split

C0untd0wnC0ff33 · 24/01/2020 22:45

Leave wives

Thinkingabout1t · 24/01/2020 22:46

he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child
Red flag.
He's not a five-year-old. He's a parent and needs to start behaving like an adult.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 24/01/2020 22:54

It sounds like his priorities are out of whack.

You've suggested an exciting exotic holiday. Which gives me the impression that he is insisting on something utterly unsuitable for a child. In the nicest way, did he want to have children? And if so, now?

He sounds too selfish to have chosen to start a family when he clearly isn't ready to see past his own individual agenda.

Jackiebrambles · 24/01/2020 23:02

This is so sad. We love travelling too and as soon as we had ds we planned a trip away as a family of 3. Ok maybe not trekking somewhere exotic but we couldn't wait to take him away. Why doesn't he want to plan lovely holidays for the three of you?

I find it odd he wants to see chimps and polar bears but wants to leave his child at home.

LovePoppy · 24/01/2020 23:14

Why can’t you take your child to see the polar bears?

lowlandLucky · 24/01/2020 23:22

H e is not interested in being a Father or a Husband, cut your losses

NaomifromMilshake · 24/01/2020 23:27

I would be looking for a divorce, money or no money.

DemiGorgon · 24/01/2020 23:28

Sorry but I think you H is being an unreasonable person.
His way or the highway? You are a family- a kid is for life not for Christmas.

My OH and I love travelling. When kids came along we continued- they just became a bit more child friendly and organised. We took a 2 year old to Vietnam and it was fine. A 1 and 3 year old to NZ.
We go and make it about us (things we like) and them (things they like). We are not beach go-ers but will slot in some pool time to appeal to them.
It is doable. You cant be totally selfish a parents. It just does not work

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 24/01/2020 23:35

Wow just Wow! He your dh wants to leave his child for 2 weeks to spend time with you and if you dont agree you do not get another child...did I read that right? A toddler ..a vulnerable little child...wow your kid lucked out there on a parent ....The only right answer to this is found within your heart OP as a responsible loving reasonable parent....could you really go and be settled knowing that your toddler was not with you? I couldn't and would suggest many of us here are aghast at what has been proposed by your husband. Bet this wasn;t ever a conversation you thought as parents you would be having....your dh sounds like a selfish spoilt brat who is totally clueless regarding what being a father means and the responsibilities of putting another before his own desires....

YetAnotherSpartacus · 24/01/2020 23:43

He's being a dick about the holiday, BUT if he does not want a second child then that's his prerogative. Is he saying 'no second child' because he has realised what a massive impact children have on a lifestyle (and there is nothing inherently wrong with wanting a life full of travel) or to punish you? If it is the former then he is completely within his rights. If it is the latter he is being a dick. If he wants children and travel, but for the GPs or you to provide the care for the children to allow this then he's being selfish and unreasonable.

tenlittlecygnets · 24/01/2020 23:46

Why can't he research where to go with a baby of your dc's age??

I bf and did not leave my 2.5 yo overnight. Even now, my 12yo is not keen on us both going away overnight...

What a selfish tit.

tenlittlecygnets · 24/01/2020 23:48

He's a great dad and you can see how much our son loves him, but it's very much starting to feel like he opts in and out of parenting and it's only great if it's going his way.

That's not a great dad. That's a selfish knobber who's still a child himself.

GabsAlot · 24/01/2020 23:55

I think people ar emissing the point-he doesnt want to spend time with his own son! he hardly does anything and then when hes off he wants leave him behind

OP i knew a couple like this he never really accpeted family life-left his baby at 6 months for a holiday then a year later-when h was at home he was always too tired to do anytthing so he wanted a child free holiday!

They split up a couple of years later

chocolatebrioche · 24/01/2020 23:58

For me, the main issue is I don’t think it’s ok to choose to be apart from your two year old for two weeks. Or even one week. I’ve recently adopted, and we had to read up on this kind of thing, and learnt that the separation is not good long-term for any child, and can have an adverse effect on their emotional outcomes.
He may be ok being with his grandparents at first, but he will miss you very keenly, and in the longer term it’s not a good thing at that age.

AtrociousCircumstance · 25/01/2020 00:01

What a nasty, childish, selfish wanker your husband is.

There is no getting away from it. He will continue to be nasty, and selfish, and manipulative for the rest of his life.

OP don’t let your life be controlled and determined by someone like that.

Ragglesnaggle · 25/01/2020 00:10

Surely he's made himself so unattractive to you that the chances of you actually wanting to sleep with him to create a second child are practically nil?

Rtmhwales · 25/01/2020 00:13

I can see it from both sides really.

I love my DS but am happy to leave him for 2 weeks with my parents to go somewhere not child friendly. I traveled extensively before he was born, and with him from age 3-6 months. But at 1.5-3 I wouldn't travel most of my usual places with him because they're not suitable. But traveling is a major passion of mine and I wouldn't want to give that up. I'd hope my partner would join me but if they didn't, I'd hope they'd support me going solo.

Your life doesn't completely stop once you have kids and if doing some of the pre kid traveling makes you happy, I don't see the harm in it really. Likewise, if it's changed you and you no longer want to travel without your son or as much so as your partner wants, I don't see an issue with that either. People are different, that's what makes us who we are.

PrincessHoneysuckle · 25/01/2020 00:17

Tell him to book a day pass to a Zoo or watch a couple of David Attenborough programmes to get his animal fix.
A family friendly holiday would be much more sensible and there would be something for all of you.