WWYD - DH putting idea of holiday above family

[Bambam60]

I've just had a massive argument with DH becuase he's desperate to go on an exotic holiday next year (just me and him) and I'm not sure I want to leave our DS. When he wants to go, our DS will be 2 and a half. I have no experience with kids as DS is my first, but I feel at that age he will understand we've gone and be really upset by it! Or not, but the point is he could be and I don't want to take that risk. I'd also miss him terribly so I just don't think I'd enjoy it.

My parents would happily look after him, but I also don't want to put that burden on them. I can imagine looking after a toddler for close to 2 weeks is not easy?!

To put things into a bit of perspective, my DH absolutely loves to travel and any chance he gets he's researching destinations for us to go to. It's how we lived pre-baby and he just can't seem to adapt to not living life that way now.

Anyway, I feel really upset by what DH has said and I just want to see how others would react to this. When I said I didn't think this would be a good idea and suggested other lovely holidays we could go on where we could take DS, he said no he doesn't want to have to wait to go on this holiday. Then he said "fine I'll just go on my own then". So I said "you mean you would rather go away on your own for 2 weeks to the destination you want then go on holiday with your family to somewhere else". I asked him this 3 times because I was so shocked that yes he absolutely would?!!

And then, to top it off, he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child. Was not joking!!

It's just so manipulative and selfish. I feel like my feelings do not matter here at all and he basically tries to pressure me into things that make him happy but are in complete conflict with how I want to raise our son :(

As someone who has a DP/DH that has to travel a lot for work, my view is that children just assume whatever happens the norm. A 2 year old feels super cross because you aren’t letting them have a banana, Peppa Pig repeat or the red trousers. They won’t feel 2 weeks away is any sort of abandonment with granny and grandad.
I had the same worries. It’s very normal. However as my dad pointed out they won’t batt an eyelid at 16 ditching you at for a week in Spain with their mates.

Tell him to go without you and then take you and the little one somewhere adventurous too. Would you give in to this sort of tantrum with your son? I bet not.

@ConsolidateTheBiscuits no of course not. Fairly rude and ridiculous assumption. You don't know what my relationship with my parents is like. I already said in my original post that I didn't want to burden them.

@FFSFFSFFS
Yes and no. That’s why I said initially there is no one right choice here for the WWYD. It varies by situation. (This is separate from OPs DH fighting dirty and mean in an argument with was unreasonable. Just because I kind of agree with him, doesn’t mean I in any way agree with his underhanded shit tactics of arguing).

Anyway, Even though they don’t remember holidays from pre age 6, yes it was good for them. I agree with you there.

BUT at the time we HAD grandparents that would have loved to have known their grandchildren better and I know that they would have remembered their grandparents if they’d had the opportunity to stay with them more at that age (because I remember mine).

Sadly, while holidays were still there to be had when they were older, the grandparents were not. By the time my eldest was 10, they had one grandparent left out of the 6 they started with (includes step grandparents).

I regret that and think I robbed both my children and the grandparents/step grandparents of knowing their grandkids really well. All for holidays they do not even remember!

@Quartz2208 We did many of these things before our child. It isn't a finite list. But I'm not sure how you can claim that I haven't grasped the new normal as a family of 3. Especially when that means different things to different people. I can't completely disregard what DH wants from life - there's a balance to maintain. But when what he wants is in conflict with the way I think our child should be raised, we have an issue

I think you've already said the crux of the issue. He saw adding a child to the family as a fun aspect of his life to go alongside everything that already existed within it. You see it (rightly) as the thing around which your whole life shifts. I think him wanting 3 holidays away from a toddler in one year and not planning on taking him anywhere at all is so sad. He isn't a burden - he is supposed to be a little member of your tribe.

I think I would have coldly asked him qhy I'd want a second child with someone who clearly doesn't want one and told him I'd go somewhere with DS and my parents while he went to Costa Rica or wherever.

Do you think the not having a second child comment was in relation to the freedom that having only one gives you?
Two children is expotentially harder logistically than one. Is that what he means rather than blackmailing you with holiday versus children?

If he loves travelling then actually it’s a joy taking children away to places but really it only works when they appreciate it.

Some of the happiest memories I have are of holidays when our children were little. There's no exotic location that can compete with that. What's the point of having children if you're going to miss out on some of the best bits?

And I think being separated even from my teenager for two whole weeks would nearly kill me!

Howwww do people do these holidays with toddlers?? I have a 2.5 year old. If I took her “chimp trekking” she wound probably disappear into the wilderness to be opted by the chimps, never to return.

She would be an utter liability. Meanwhile the five year old would be moaning about her legs being tired.

Wouldn’t leave them behind though. Find a child friendly resort instead. holidays are for families.

Adopted

I love travel but I wouldn’t leave my 2.5yo for two weeks.. I’d do 5 days max. And yes they will notice and miss you.
I’d tell DH to choose a shorter holiday for the two of you or just him or choose one you can go on as a family.
And threatening you with no second child is just blackmail

I know a couple who have taken their 18 month old on holiday the States. A driving holiday - driving down the west coast. I mean how is that in any way enjoyable for a one year old? Stuck in the car all that time. Selfish.

I agree with previous posters that my concern would be that your H who no doubt works full time wants to use all of his annual leave to holiday WITHOUT your son. Its not a question (for me) about whether your parents will look after him, whether that helps to have couple time, whether your son will remember the holiday, its simply the fact that he doesn't WANT to spend time with your son on his precious time off.

I think you need to sit down as a couple and really discuss the basics. It sounds like you're not on the same page at all.

I don't think there's anything wrong with having time away from your children, we all need a break sometimes, but I personally wouldn't want to go for more than a night or two and I've only done this twice with my eldest when she was 6 and 8. I haven't yet spent a night away from my nearly 2 year old.

I definitely wouldn't want to have a proper holiday without them. I can't always relax in the same way with them there but they're my family. And I chose to have them. Ok they may not remember when they're little but they're still soaking up the experiences and boosting their learning and understanding. I'd love to be able to do some of the things you're talking about with my kids.

I'd be gutted if my dp felt differently to be honest.

Bambam it was your use of the word normality which makes me ask the question. I apologise for you but he certainly doesn’t seem to have grasped the fact that you have a new normal and from his perspective he hasn’t. Whatever your understanding of the meaning it involves putting someone else front and centre and prioritising their needs. Not also at the expense of yours but certainly not to their detriment. He seems to want his to be at the front all the time
And of course it isn’t an exhaustive list but there are so many things you can do with him that brings you all joy. Mine might only see them in the photos that we took but the early holidays we took them on not only brought us joyful memories but brought them on too. DD sat on her first holiday. DS walked on one of his. Memories and experiences I will never forget and are priceless as they are growing older

It sounds to me as if you don't mind traveling and adventures, but that it sounds to you as if your husband is so addicted to travel that it has become a single-minded goal in itself. That he seems to persue it to satisfy something lacking instead of to enrich his life, and that when he hikes to the top of Macchu Picchu, he isn't awed by the experience or living in the moment, but just ticking it off in his head, ready to move on to the next one, always restless for more. This is actually a form of anxiety. If he can't learn to live in the moment and appreciate the wonders that he is privileged to seeincluding that of having a childthen he is on a very sad, expensive, and useless treadmill.

I have been away without my DC but they were a lot older than two and also it was a few days in Europe, I couldn’t last a fortnight!

Using a second child as a threat to get you to do what he wants is despicable behaviour.

@CameronG my one year old loves the car, he either sleeps or loves looking in his mirror/out of the window. They definitely won’t spend the whole time in the car, that’s not even possible.

he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child

Here's you problem, he sees children as yours, something you wanted and that interferes with his lifestyle.

Your husband is a selfish man, I could understand one special trip that is not kid friendly but three?
And no holiday time spent or wasted as he sees it with your child?
Do not have any more children with this man.
Holidays when they are little can be hard work but they are also magical. They might not “remember “ them but leaving him for weeks at a time with grandparents is a bit sad.

Durgas I grew up in a tiny village to parents that simply couldn’t travel ( livestock).. All I EVER wanted to do was to see other places. This has never left.
Why does everything think it’s sone twatty middle class thing?

Some people need to go somewhere else, not because of the photos or social media but because they want to be out there in world, Loads of modern jobs require families being apart. That’s why nannies are in high demand.

Did he want to have children or has he gone along with your wishes to have a baby, or an unexpected pregnancy happened, as it sounds like he wants the life you had before together with no compromises and the baby is cramping his plans.

I don’t think he will get any more understanding if you have another baby. I’d refrain for the time being.

Perhaps he will realise after the first holiday that things will be different from now on. I hope so for your sakes, as dumping a baby for a fortnight so he can have yet another holiday hardly seems reasonable on the olds or the baby, and his holiday is not exactly ‘desperately’ needed!

He should grow up and be more aware of his responsibilities as a parent. Has he bonded with the baby or does he let you do everything? Perhaps that’s the problem, lack of confidence. That can only be improved by practicing what he’s not good at. Ie looking after baby while you go out.

OP I totally agree with you. It would be much more reasonable and considerate for your DH to agree to see how things go with this years' holiday before planning another trip without DS.

He should be more understanding of how difficult you may find leaving DS behind, and that DS too may struggle.

Planning another major trip without DS without even seeing how the first one pans out seems very selfish.

I think that if I had a DH who craved exotic holidays, and time without DC I would expect a reasonable compromise. Maybe 2 holidays as a family, and one as a couple, for no longer than a week per year.

It would worry me if my DH saw this type of compromise as an issue.

I think Durgasarrow has it. Being "someone who travels" seems to be a big part of his personality and it sounds like he is struggling to accept that things have changed. I have no issue with couples-only trips, but he's running away with himself before you see how DS or you cope with an extended time apart. It's also asking a lot of your parents- will they be ok with continuing to provide care for week(s)-long periods at a time, several times a year? It's a massive assumption on his part, and if I were them I'd be quite offended that he hadn't even had the courtesy to ask before starting to plan his jollies.

DH and I love to travel and have been to some amazing places together- but we knew when we started TTC that our more out-there travel goals were going to have to be put aside until that baby and her siblings are in their teens. We will try to intersperse Eurocamp holidays with something a bit more adventurous, but we won't have the funds to take incredible YOLO trips as a family every year. That's life, but DD is worth it.

If you don’t want to ditch him you need to sit down and find a workable compromise. So, for example that could be that he has up to two weeks a year to go away alone and do whatever adventure holiday is affordable. You have a week together to go somewhere less long haul and have some quality time and then you both have a holiday with your ds. If he’s not prepared to make any compromise then you have an issue. It may be that if he’s particularly keen on travel/hobbies that one child is the best fit for his lifestyle, and if that was said thoughtfully and not just to be a wanker then it is good for him to be upfront about his limitations, because there is no doubt that two children are much more full on and do leave less time for other pursuits.