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Original poster

WWYD - DH putting idea of holiday above family

155 replies

Bambam60 · 24/01/2020 19:36

I've just had a massive argument with DH becuase he's desperate to go on an exotic holiday next year (just me and him) and I'm not sure I want to leave our DS. When he wants to go, our DS will be 2 and a half. I have no experience with kids as DS is my first, but I feel at that age he will understand we've gone and be really upset by it! Or not, but the point is he could be and I don't want to take that risk. I'd also miss him terribly so I just don't think I'd enjoy it.

My parents would happily look after him, but I also don't want to put that burden on them. I can imagine looking after a toddler for close to 2 weeks is not easy?!

To put things into a bit of perspective, my DH absolutely loves to travel and any chance he gets he's researching destinations for us to go to. It's how we lived pre-baby and he just can't seem to adapt to not living life that way now.

Anyway, I feel really upset by what DH has said and I just want to see how others would react to this. When I said I didn't think this would be a good idea and suggested other lovely holidays we could go on where we could take DS, he said no he doesn't want to have to wait to go on this holiday. Then he said "fine I'll just go on my own then". So I said "you mean you would rather go away on your own for 2 weeks to the destination you want then go on holiday with your family to somewhere else". I asked him this 3 times because I was so shocked that yes he absolutely would?!!

And then, to top it off, he said if he can't go away then I can't have a second child. Was not joking!!

It's just so manipulative and selfish. I feel like my feelings do not matter here at all and he basically tries to pressure me into things that make him happy but are in complete conflict with how I want to raise our son :(

OP posts:
MissSueDenim · 24/01/2020 20:18

I said maybe we can do this other holiday later down the line when DS is older

Is this what prompted the second child statement?

MynameisJune · 24/01/2020 20:18

I'm torn, he's a dick for saying about the second child but also i think that doing these things before you have a second child is sensible because your parents looking after 2 children for nearly 2 weeks might be too much for them. Especially say a 5 year old and 2.5 year old or whatever.

But his attitude is shit, he's getting 2 adult only holidays in a year. That's more than most people get or want in their childs first 18 years. I'd be having serious words with him about our relationship if he carried on the way he is.

Purpleartichoke · 24/01/2020 20:19

I don’t think it’s ok to ask anyone to watch that young of a child for more than a day or two if the reason is leisure. If he wants to go away just the two of you, I would insist on a shorter trip.

Quartz2208 · 24/01/2020 20:19

I think this is highlighted an issue in your relationship that he pressuries you into things HE wants not what you want.

I think you need to take a long hard look at what this attitude means

Nofunkingworriesmate · 24/01/2020 20:20

Wow you are v lucky to have so much money for fantastic holidays, it is a bit weird that he wants to get away for such a long time without his son. There is no way I’d leave a small child for more than one maybe two nights st that age it would be v upsetting for him

PinkiOcelot · 24/01/2020 20:21

He sounds like a selfish prick. When you have a family, you go on holiday as a family of 3. My dds even came on honeymoon. He said he knew I wouldn’t go without them. Tbh, I don’t think he would have either.

alphasox · 24/01/2020 20:23

I don’t think having a child should stop you travelling, but take the baby with you. It will be different but why not? We took my eldest all over Europe by rail for a month when he was 6/7 months, and we took both our kids our youngest to Bali and Thailand when they were 5 and just 1 and other places too.

I’m a bit worried about some of the slightly scary things your OH is saying though. He needs his head banging together to realise he’s not free and single anymore and needs to move with the times.

venusandmars · 24/01/2020 20:24

What were your expectations when planning your first dc? Did you discuss the impact on your lives? Did you both imagine that it would be easy to go away and leave DS? Has your views changed now that Dc is here? Or did you just not talk about it really...

dh was cruel to make threats about a second child, but if the reality is that you would want to go to the particular destination until second dc was 3/4/5 then it probably seems a long way off...

glitterbiscuits · 24/01/2020 20:24

What sort of father is he?
I can't imagine my DH wanting to leave our DC for that long when they were toddlers.

bellie710 · 24/01/2020 20:25

We have been on loads of holidays since having kids and only once did we leave them at home for 4 nights. There is no way I could leave my kids for 2 weeks to go on holiday, all our holidays revolve around the kids whether it is to the other side of the world or just a short 2 hour flight they always come first. I actually couldn't be with someone who put them self before our children.

cakeandchampagne · 24/01/2020 20:27

I think you & your child would have a lovely 2 weeks if your dh goes on holiday by himself. Smile

FraglesRock · 24/01/2020 20:28

I'd be booking a family holiday for you and ds. Take lots of photos and display them so ds can see the memories and love. And then there's his dad... who didn't want to.

AriadnesFilament · 24/01/2020 20:28

What a selfish git

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/01/2020 20:29

So as he is going alone to see the polar bears, when is he having the little one alone for you to take a trip by yourself?

1Morewineplease · 24/01/2020 20:35

He clearly doesn’t feel that family life should get in the way of his adventures.
You both need to have a serious discussion about how your family life can move forward.
Your partner wants to carry on with his adventures but won’t accept that his domestic life must come first.
Don’t really know what to say... you’re clearly unhappy about his decision and your son will be clearly unhappy about it too.
If it were me, I’d let my husband go, but I , and my child, might not be around when he gets back.
Sorry.

helberg · 24/01/2020 20:37

I didn't expand in the original message, bit we're actually going away together, on our own, this year. Again, it's a trip we can't take DS on as it's chimp trekking. Then he's going away at the end of the year on his own to see the polar bears. Another trip he was desperate to do and we obv couldn't take DS so I said if he wants to go on his own he can

You already have a holiday planned for the two of you and DS will be staying with his grandparents. How long is that for? I think it's quite a lot to ask actually. He's just a toddler and he could find it very upsetting. Also, what if the grandparents really can't cope?

And then in addition to this DH is going away on his own and he STILL wants another holiday with you, leaving the child alone again with the grandparents again. This is just ludicrous and extremely cheeky to assume that the grandparents will be able to, or indeed, want to look after DS for another two weeks.

I'd be having words with him as this is not sustainable in the long run. You should be having a family holiday with DS included. There are loads of fantastic places and types of holidays you could go on with a child. He should be putting his effort into researching things like that. Anything that's not suitable at the moment can be put off until your DS is old enough.
If he's really desperate to do a particular trip then perhaps he could do that on his own as long as it isn't placing too much of a burden on you being at home alone with your DS.

But I think he's being a cheeky fucker and I don't like his attitude. It stinks. "If we don't go on this holiday, there'll be no second child". What the fuck is wrong with him?
If he really wanted to spend all of his time travelling the world he shouldn't have started a family.

Original poster
Bambam60 · 24/01/2020 20:38

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz funnily enough, we did actually talk about me going away with some girl friends after his trip. Not sure whether I will but the option is there!

I think you're all absolutely right when you say a baby shouldn't stop you travelling. I try really hard to actually maintain some normality in our lives, have date nights and spend quality time together. If he wants to go out with friends I never say no, and likewise if I feel like I need a night off he'll happily stay in whilst I go out with friends. But ultimately, his life is pretty easy and he really doesn't have to do very much. He's a great dad and you can see how much our son loves him, but it's very much starting to feel like he opts in and out of parenting and it's only great if it's going his way.

All I really wanted was him to say "okay, we don't need to book now anyway, we'll just see how we feel in 6 months and if you don't want to go without him, we'll just try and amend the holiday to make it more baby friendly"

OP posts:
MsChatterbox · 24/01/2020 20:41

My son is 2.5 currently. No way would I be leaving him for 2 weeks. I still haven't left him overnight.

MrsJoshNavidi · 24/01/2020 20:42

Go!

We used to leave our DCs with the GPs to have adult holidays.
Your DC will be spoiled rotten, the GPs will be knackered, you'll have a fab time, and all will be well with the world when you get home.

user1471449295 · 24/01/2020 20:44

He’s a petulant child

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo · 24/01/2020 20:45

We went to Thailand pre-children. You could probably do Bangkok with a toddler although they wouldn't enjoy the food markets, the temples, Patpong, the crowds, the tailors, the restaurants etc - but might not mind the bus trip to botanical gardens, to see elephants and the canoe trip through the fruit markets.

But we then went to Phuket and there was a couple there with a toddler, and we all felt so sorry for him (and the parents). It was so hot so all they seemed to do was lie by the pool, swim and sunbathe - while worrying about him getting burned. We walked miles, hired a car and visited places all over, went cable skiing, went scuba diving, danced with ladyboys - fab holiday but not child friendly! That couple were mad, they missed all the local culture and trips, and should have gone to Spain.....

I'm sure you can do certain holidays with a toddler but there are so many that wouldn't be fair on them or you - and a waste of money into the bargain. If your DH can't rein himself in for a few years then he is a pathetic excuse for a father!

Or - if you decide you are happy leaving your DS, then fine - but that's up to you!

Flupibass · 24/01/2020 20:46

It’s just sad and strange that he wants to spend so much time away from his son. I don’t blame you for thinking how you do because I would have felt the same. I would have missed my child and not have wanted to spend so much time away from him. There are so many adventures to be had with a child that it seems strange that he’s choosing things that are totally not child appropriate and not delighting in showing his child the world instead.

morrisseysquif · 24/01/2020 20:48

You have two children. One of them is a petulant, self absorbed and whiney and you didn't give birth to him.

spacepoppers · 24/01/2020 20:50

My two year old would be beside himself for more than a night or two. There's no way I could leave and enjoy myself for that amount of time, I imagine I would burst into tears at the sight of anybody enjoying time away with their children, and would be a miserable sod for the duration. He needs to revisit his priorities in life IMO. And as for the second child comment? Mate, you can do one...

letmebefrank · 24/01/2020 20:51

If you want more children, you might want to consider that this is not the man to have them with.