For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

[Pollyspocketrocket]

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

Flexible and supportive family friendly policies will be important to you when you start a family. I doubt those will be as good in the new role.

The fact that a 68% pay rise is unlikely to be available to me for the foreseeable future, certainly doesn’t make me a lazy pushy wife who expects her husband to be the sole provider!

It doesn’t make you lazy, no.

However you haven’t put yourself in a position where you’re able to earn a 50k plus salary. You husband doesn’t want to take this on either.

Just because it’s actually possible for him to do so right now doesn’t mean he should feel more obligation than you. He’s
providing more than adequately.

I only voted YABU because it’s really his choice.
I can see it would be a great opportunity and would take it myself. But I think it’s wrong to make a decision or force a partner into a choice I would make.
Don’t forget civil service jobs usual come with final salary pensions and those are worth their weight in gold.

It’s interesting that posters are assuming that I’m a low earner and not ambitious. I actually earn slightly more than DH does at the moment

So between you you earn almost £100k, that's plenty! Do you have DC?

So between you you are already comfortably off. And he loves his work. That's priceless imo.

My DH is the same. He works in the public sector and could earn much more with his qualifications in the private sector. But he would have to work twice as hard. He wouldn't be home at 5pm every day and he definitely wouldn't have the same level of job security he does in the public sector.

While our DC are young, I'd rather have DH home more than the money.

Flexibility and need for security is the ‘career killer’ that ties you to a job once you have DC, IMHO
THIS 1000%

Unless the job offer is from a toxic organisation then I think he should give it a go.

But jobs, like abusive relationships, don't reveal their toxicity until you are in their grips ...

'OP, I'd leave well enough alone. And I agree with the other posters who say if it's so important to you, then you move out of your comfort zone and change field/retrain and earn the money yourself.

If you do make him take the job I hope it really is what he's been promised. I somehow suspect it won't be, especially the hours.'

Exactly this. I would also quote a PP from further upthread, who has made a very pertinent point that really bears repeating: 'Money is great until you suffer the consequences of chasing it.' It does sound rather as if you have pound signs in your eyes, OP. Sorry.

And the point stands that you have no right to decide on his work/career priorities for him.

It’s interesting that posters are assuming that I’m a low earner and not ambitious.

I didn't assume that. The opposite in fact. I was wondering about the effect on your career especially if his working hours are important to the way you share childcare.

It's interesting that you make assumptions about what we assume, if we raise any questions at all about "follow the money".

My reading of the OP is not that he has an issue with this job, he has an issue with any job that isn't his current one, with his current colleagues.

Then you are reading a awful lot of unprovens & assumptions into it @DCOkeford.

But even if you are right - so what?
Isn't it his life, his choice?
He's a senior-enough public sector professional in his 30's.
I think he'll cope.

I also think he's a big enough boy to make changes when HE wants to make them, not when his wife urges him to.

And FWIW, my dh moved job to a different type of role within his field almost 4 years ago. Definitely the right move for us, we wanted a regional move and this let us do it. He's doing fine in the new job. But he still misses the work with his old team. If your dh is a team player and feels he has the collegial balance right in his current job, that is incredibly precious to wellbeing and ultimately work performance.

I think your dh could probably do with some unbiased unemotional advice from a neutral 3rd party.
Is there anyone he could approach who would set out the pros and cons clearly without trying to influence him either way.

To be honest he sounds a bit scared of the unknown which is a bit immature.
The job spec appears to be swapping like for like with a huge pay increase but without current colleagues. Is continuing to work with these people worth earning a lot less money. I get it, in our younger years work colleagues can mean a lot but when you're older meeting all financial commitments and family needs is top priority.

If you enjoy work and are ambitious you are better off having a DH who supports you rather than one that prioritises his (sometimes highly paid but often not 🤷🏻‍♀️) 'man job' over everything else. It's how a lot of women's careers go to shit after they have dc especially if they earn less than their partners.

What is your job role like? Can you work from home at a moments notice? Also, do you have or want kids?
To give up flexibility it’s quite big and no amount of money (within reason) is worth it. The private sector won’t advertise that they expect you to work un paid overtime so when you have kids that means missing most bed times, they could set his at home working to specific days which won’t help when a child is sick.

In my mid 30s I was working in a local govt job, applied for and got a higher paid job. 18 months later I was on the verge of a breakdown, I swear I had been crying for months. I ended up not working for 5 years. Taking the higher paid job was a disaster. On paper it should have been fine, in fact it would have been fine if it hadn't been for the boss, I was the only woman at my level and my God he made my life hell, he worked on the principle someone always had to be the victim, everyone else would either join in or ignore what was going on because at least he wasn't picking on them.

You can't put a price on happiness. I wouldn't go back to the higher paid job for millions.

I actually earn slightly more than DH does at the moment and have studied hard and gone through numerous promotions to get to where I am now, including taking risks along the way

There's that tone again.

I think your DH is damned if does and damned if he doesn't.

If he takes it, he runs the risk of his happiness and mental health.

If he doesn't , he has a DW that thinks negatively of him as he's unambitious and not a risk taker - things that you think are really positive qualities .

I think acceptance that you and your DH are different people with different personal priorities and outlooks on life would be a good thing.

If you are not testing yourself and taking opportunities in your 30s when will you do so? To stick to a workplace because you like your colleagues is being stuck in a mud at that age. The working environment can change. Tell him to face his fear and try out this challenge.

But jobs, like abusive relationships, don't reveal their toxicity until you are in their grips Oh that is so true, my boss seemed such a jolly, poisitive character but he was pure evil. Of course it could have worked out but if it doesn't it really is life changing and not in a good way.

so OP between you; your household earns over 95K that is plenty for a mortgage and to save so you can cut hours in the future if a family is on the horizon
if two of you have a takehome of over 5500 a month you have ample for mortgage bills holidays and to save a big chunk each month as you don't have dependents
so you earn roughly the same and hopefully are contributing roughly the same to common purse it seems fair enough to me but ask your DP if he is prepared to cut expenditure so you can build up a bigger pot of savings to cover emergencies and 1 or 2 lots of maternity if he is willing then not taking new job is fine if he doesn't think you can cut expenditure and save then I think you have questions regarding how you will manage extra costs of a family we manage very comfortably as a family on less than 45K between us though our mortgage is small
but in the end the decision is fine whatever
I would have had more inclinaion to say YANBU if your DP was on 20K and you were in the just about managing category when a few hundred extra a month would stop the need for overdrafts or a panic if bolier broke or the car needed repairs but at 45K it is enough whether you go for more if a lifestyle choice not an essentials choice

I would say leave him to decide with no pressure. The extra money sounds amazing, but let's fact it, public sector employment comes with a lot of security. As an ex public sector employee I do wonder how often he gets "reorganised". Used to happen to me every 2 or 3 years, meaning that happy working teams were often split up.

I took voluntary redundancy from my public sector role because when I got a bit senior the pressure was huge, and the hours long. So I'd say your DH is in a pretty fortunate position at the moment and quality of life is really important.

Tell him to face his fear and try out this challenge. So easy to give that advice when you won't be dealing with the fallout if it goes wrong.

To be honest he sounds a bit scared of the unknown which is a bit immature.

FFS. He's also "wet", a "hippy" & "refusing to change for 40 years".

Or, replacing people's vivid imaginations with facts - he's a bloke with a senior-ish job on a good salary with an excellent pension, flexi-time, no out of hours demands, & little stress, who knows when he's well off.
Doesn't sound very "immature" to me ...

If you want more money then it is your job to to out and earn it. Pushing your DH to earn it instead makes no sense for so many reasons.

I could earn 3x my salary at least in the private sector but choose not to because right now for a whole host of reasons the job I am in is worth its weight in gold. If DH pushed me to take a private sector job so he could have a nicer lifestyle I would tell him where to shove it!

You can't buy happiness. Your H should stay in his job, enjoy it, enjoy the good mental health and sense of wellness and balance that comes from being with a good team - and in a few decades, he can freelance as a consultant to the public sector and make up most of the cash that he would have made in private sector.

Private sector IS a hellscape. It just is. Some folk thrive on it, but it's a minority of sociopaths. I say that as someone who is able to channel just enough sociopathy to get through it herself. Don't ask someone who is happy in the public sector world, to step into the lion's mouth. Espeically if they are asking him to do a leadership role. Sisyphean doesn't even begin to cover it.