For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

[Pollyspocketrocket]

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

Normally I'd tell someone to take the money. You'll find people you like in any organisation (but I say that as someone basically incapable.of seeing a colleague as anything other than a colleague).

That said, on close to 100k combined, you're fine financially. If he's being offered that much, he has a good case for a pay rise at his current organisation.

Ultimately, you can't really argue him into having the same values as you, so it's a moot point. You might be able to browbeat him into taking the job, but your relationship will probably suffer as a result.

Just because he enjoys his job today, doesn't mean that things can't suddenly change. Budgets could be slashed at his public sector organisation. Priorities can change. The department he works for could be outsourced. There could be redundancies. His pleasant colleagues could leave for better-paid jobs themselves, leaving him stuck with lower pay and grotty replacements cow-orkers. I don't have a crystal ball, obviously, and things could also stay the same. However, my experience has shown that you can't rely on the status quo. If I were him, I'd take the new opportunity.

I’m quite surprised by the amount of people who are assuming that, because the job is in the private sector, that he’ll automatically hate it and have an awful experience

Has he ever worked in the private sector? If not it will most likely be a big change.

Don't push him (or indeed yourself) into another job when he's happy with this one. Work-related stress can kill relationships. However much they want to pay him, it's not worth it if it means you're the one he can blame if it doesn't work out. If he was eager to make the change himself, that would be different.

In my experience, the public sector is far more willing to be flexible when, for example you have dcs. I also have experienced private companies that promise the earth, but don't really come through on their promises - sort of 'letter of the law' but not what you were expecting. Being happy in your job is so important. I'd think hard.

I don't agree re flexibility. I went from public to private and found the absolute opposite tbh.

When are you thinking of having dc if you are? In most cases you have to have some "goodwill" built up with a company to get flexibility.

Tbh if you've got 90k coming in an extra 13k is not life changing. You'll probably spend it on buying better if that makes sense.

PurpleMice you obviously don't work in the public sector.. the deck chairs get rearranged in the titanic.. but you still get paid... if the civil service /public sector doesn't pay then we have ALL gone down the drain... it is still a job for life, thank goodness.. and I am 4 yrs away..

It's not your decision. End of.

Unreasonable for wanting it, no, not at all, not one bit.

It's a tale as old as humanity itself - when Adam & Eve's son Cain [a farmer BTW] moved East of Eden & found himself a wife, you can be absolutely sure that, once their honeymoon period was over, one of the first things she did was begin a monthly scrutiny of his income statements & start to wonder whether there mightn't be more lucrative uses that he could put his time to.

What'd be unreasonable is if you'd push him too far. No good would be likely to come of it.

He should take the job, leaving and getting some private sector experience and then returning is a well trodden career route in the civil service. His current team could change, he could get a new boss etc lots of potential variables where he is too. He should take the opportunity, if he doesn’t love it as much he can return to where he is or use his experience to find somewhere he potentially loves more.

Lots of big companies - large banks in particular - feel like the public sector anyway. And flexible working is becoming more and more commonplace, if they’ve agreed to that sort of stuff upfront I think that’s a hugely positive sign about their culture. It’s evasiveness or being vague that normally indicates that there is a gap between what they say they do vs what they actually do.

Also if you are seriously considering having children in the next few years and you're ambitious yourself, I would advise having a very long and detailed think about what's going to happen to both of your careers once children are in the picture.

My husband has a pretty flexible job. He used to earn more in a more demanding role. If he went back to his old job with its associated hours and travel and non-flexibility expectations, I would really, really struggle to progress in my career myself, because I'd have to be plugging all those gaps re childcare and house stuff. So I'd have ended up stuck where I was in a more junior role, and he'd have ended up out of the house all the time, and both of us would be miserable.

It is really, really easy for women to end up in p/t or more junior roles once children come along, whether or not that's what they ever really planned for their life, because "well DH earns more and we can't both work his kind of hours, and he's more senior now so his work would never accept a flexible working request while mine will" and so on. Don't let that be you unless you want it to be you.

I lobe when people say “go and get yourself a better paid job” as if people on lower pay are choosing to reject higher wages. It is not that easy to walk into another job and getting further qualifications doesn’t guarantee it.

OP this is tricky. Personally I would be frustrated if my OH wouldn’t at least try the new job unless he is real concerns about their working conditions. As a pp said, he might like his colleagues/workplace now but that could very easily change. Guaranteed most people there will leave at some point if they can earn more money elsewhere.

On the other hand, if you push him and he regrets it, he might come to resent you

I was your DH at 27. I hated every minute of it and had a breakdown, and my mental health has never been quite the same as it was.

With those figures, I'd stay if I was him. It's not enough for the risk.

It is not that easy to walk into another job and getting further qualifications doesn’t guarantee it.

Of course not. But people who really want the big salaries should be focusing on getting them themselves, rather than relying on others.

YABVU. Money isn’t everything, happiness is far more important.

I think it would be foolish to swap a happy environment you’re comfortable in for an uncertain one just because it pays more money.

YABVU
Unless your DH wants to change jobs, he shouldn't. Being happy in a job is priceless.
public sector - in so many ways preferrable to private sector (obviously salary is in this case not one of those ways)
great working relationship with all of his colleagues - so rare and valuable
He loves going to work - just wow
as an employer they’ve been good - excellent
he’s free to work flexibly - very useful, especially if you have DC in future
doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours - very rare in senior positions in the private sector
[doesn't] carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day - F*CKING PRICELESS

Would you really trade your happy, unstressed DH for a possibly unhappy, stressed, long-hours DH, for the sake of extra money? Who knows, the new job may be brilliant, but it's an unknown. Your DH is right - money isn't everything.

There’s a lot to be said for a public sector pension especially over a lot of years, agree with everyone else that the new company will want their money’s worth and clocking off and being home to have dinner with the family at 5:30 is likely to be a distant memory.

I was in your husband’s shoes. I chose the job I love. I have never regretted it for one second.

We're in the opposite situation. My DH is stuck in a reasonably well-paying job that he feels trapped in. He's really miserable and I would do anything for him to find something he loves and doesn't stress him out. I am trying to work more, to give him options, but I don't earn anything like what he does. If you can manage on what he earns now and he really does love it, I would say stick with it.

If DH pushed me to take a private sector job so he could have a nicer lifestyle I would tell him where to shove it!

Agree with all the points on the post this is quoted from @NeverTwerkNaked -
& if you were to then start a thread about your hypothetical situation above, there would be screams of "financial abuse!"

Funny how it's ok to diss a guy for not wanting to put another 68% on top of his already decent salary & perks, innit. Because he SHOULD or he is NOT BRAVE ENOUGH or NEEDS TO STOP AVOIDING CHANGE & all the other invented nonsense. Toxic feminity at its worst.

And of course if he took that job, he'd also be castigated for never being at home enough to take on the domestic load ...

But the new role could be amazing and they've already said he could work flexibly. He should go for it! If he's specialist and in demand he can always move on if it isn't right. It's good to take a chance.

I'm with you OP. You say they offer the same conditions, it's not like you're trying to sell him on slave market. Is he planning to sit on that salary level for the rest of his life, because it's comfy warm seat and he does not have to do much? If you will have DC then turning down money that could greatly benefit them is selfish.

His colleagues will move on, he won't know them in 10 years time because they will have their own lives/families to focus on.
Same job/no change will not stretch the mind. He's not a tree - I think he needs to apply.

I lobe when people say “go and get yourself a better paid job” as if people on lower pay are choosing to reject higher wages.

OP isn't on lower pay though.
She just doesn't have the same access to 68% job increases, but said that is down to her specific field.
So if she does not wish to switch fields to pursue similar opportunities, it's hypocritical to be disappointed her DH for not wishing to switch from his comfortably-rewarded public sector job to a potentially risky private one which he feels could make him unhappy.

The biggest problem here is that DH feels "money isn't everything", but his wife disagrees.