For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

[Pollyspocketrocket]

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

Well it's entirely up to him isn't it?

Not really liking the cut of your jib here OP!

You should want your DH to be as happy as possible, no to earn as much as possible.

I'm sort of thinking you are imagining all the lovely things and experiences you can have if earns more money, and his happiness for 40 hour a week isn't a factor.

I also hate the negativity of the ' creature of habit and doesn't like change ' statement. Another way of putting that , is that he is a mature person who has good values and knows what's important in life.

If you want the big bucks, change your field of work and earn them yourself.

as others huge said, check the difference to net pay is as much as you think as he will be paying higher rate tax on most of the increase, and will lose child benefit.

I think YABVU to say no one in their right mind. I wouldn't take it if i was your DH.

He is basing his long term career on a transient perk.

Is he though?
We've only OP's word for it that his sole objection to the new role is about liking his current colleagues.
There'll be a lot more to it than that because - he's a human being, with his own complications, preferences, priorities & choices.

OP's not telling us all the arguments that are likely crowding his head now, such as security of tenure, pension rights, the ability to switch off at night, reasonable hours ...

She simply wants him to fuck over his work/life balance in the pursuit of filthy lucre, & wants validation from PP's to justify her feelings that he's "mad" to not instantly obey her wishes.

so if a 68% increase gives 31k gross that equates to a current salary of about 45K so he is already earning more than most people and unless you live in central London 45K is plenty for a salary in fact it is still more than most households ( never mind single earners) it is still more than an average salary for London too
if he is content it is fine, if you earn a similar amount of even you earn half that you are still fairly comfortable
if he wants to stay put he needs to cut cloth to suit and maybe start saving now for if and even you decide to take time out for a family
maybe if you had a family you might find DH being home by 6pm a much bigger advantage in coping than him working to 8-9pm for an extra £1000 a month and being much less available and hands on do not for even a minute believe the hours are the same they are notional hours of presence but in actual fact most people are doing 10+ extra hours per week no one is going to be earning 75k for 9-5 and switching phone and email off until 9am following morning

You say that as though everyone has the same opportunity and unfortunately a pay increase of that size is just not something which is going to be offered to me in the field of work I’m in.

You are in your twenties. Dont be afraid of change. Change your field. Train to do something else

If money is so important to you, you go out and find a way to I crease your own earnings rather than telling someone else what job they should do, just so you can have a better standard of living.

I agree with a pp that a man (anyone tbh) who is willing to settle for a pipe and slippers job in their 30s and with no DCs needs their head examining, esp when there's such a fabulous opportunity on the table!

I find this genuinely sad. And telling that it's man first, anyone second.

OP, I'd leave well enough alone. And I agree with the other posters who say if it's so important to you, then you move out of your comfort zone and change field/retrain and earn the money yourself.

If you do make him take the job I hope it really is what he's been promised. I somehow suspect it won't be, especially the hours.

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary.

If he’s already “senior management”, he’ll be being paid well (at least compared to most people) even in the public sector. So money shouldn’t be an issue. Putting money ahead of well-being given your position looks like greed to me. YABU.

The hours on paper might be the same, but he will be expected to answer emails and calls out of hours, guaranteed.

This

The current situation is almost certainly going to change at some point though. He's got maybe 40 years of working ahead of him. Surely nobody expects their work environment to remain static for that length of time?

& who says he expects that? That's a big assumption to make, just because DH doesn't want THIS job.
Who's to say he won't continue progression within his current organisation, or sidestep to another, or several others within 40 years?
& he he does not, so what? - he's solvent, he's working, & he has an element of job security most of us don't.

But by all means write his off as some kinda loser for having the temerity to have his own opinion on his own career ...

Does your husband need work flexibility? Do you have children yet?

Flexibility in a job, it would be good to take the increase now if you dont have children yet.
40 odd k is good
77 k is amazingly good....

You say he likes the people he works with - so what is to stop him keeping in touch with them after he has left?

I was headhunted for a role at the other side of the country, all new people totally different role. Was VERY apprehensive but absolutely LOVED it even by the end of week 2. A far nicer company. Made some great friends who stayed friends a lot longer than the lovely people I worked with in the previous job.

You need to stop thinking about the advantages of the old job as being just fuzzy-wuzzy 'he gets to sit next to his friend' stuff and start thinking of it as real benefits with a price tag attached.

Do it for yourself first, as a thought experiment. Imagine you've got his current setup. Then break it down:

• what is 'not having to take work home with me' worth? What extra salary would I need to be offered in order to lose that specific thing?
• ditto getting to work flexibly
• ditto not working over contracted hours
• ditto not taking stress home at the end of the day

You might be willing to trade all that for less than £31k, but it sounds like he isn't.

You say that the extra pay would set you both up nicely for the future if you wanted to have children, but money isn't the only way you want to be set up there. I have young children and I really, really value the flexible working arrangement and reasonable work hours I have at the moment, and I wouldn't trade them for a 68% pay rise with a different employer.

Unless the job offer is from a toxic organisation then I think he should give it a go. Yes he likes his current colleagues but a new manager could change his work environment for the worse in a heartbeat so at his age that doesn't strike me as the best reason to stay.
If the new job doesn't work out - he is clearly in demand and can move again and will find it easier to command a good salary.

I’m quite surprised by the amount of people who are assuming that, because the job is in the private sector, that he’ll automatically hate it and have an awful experience

It's not that he will automatically hate it, but the rewards, demands and stresses are different in private and public sector and your DH is very happy where he is. So why would you assume he would automatically be just as happy somewhere very different?

Also, if this job starts to put pressure on his working hours and time at home - and there's a fair chance it will - then that may affect your family time and maybe even your own career. Is that OK for you?

everyone is assuming that OPs husband would hate the new job...he might like it.

There are other houses I might be happy in. But I like my house, so I think I'll stay in this one. There are other men I might be happy with, but I love dh, so I think I'll stay with him.

If it ain't broke, don't fix it. Unless you actively want a change. But it's the OP who wants a change, not her dh.

My dh is currently applying for a job which will be a promotion and will earn more money. The extra money would be nice. However, if he didn't actually want to do the job, he should not apply for it and I would tell him so.

If I was in your dh's situation I wouldn't have even discussed this with you unless I was taking the role. It's your dh's decision not yours.

My dh has zero say in my career and I have zero say in his. It's really not your business.

It’s interesting that posters are assuming that I’m a low earner and not ambitious. I actually earn slightly more than DH does at the moment and have studied hard and gone through numerous promotions to get to where I am now, including taking risks along the way. The fact that a 68% pay rise is unlikely to be available to me for the foreseeable future, certainly doesn’t make me a lazy pushy wife who expects her husband to be the sole provider!

All the people saying for op to change her job, she's already said there will not be the opportunity

Do you seriously not see the double standard here @Whatsforu?

OP is at perfect liberty to choose to stay in a field where she knows there will not be the opportunity she wishes her DH to take.

She is also at liberty to change fields, & chase the money herself.

She doesn't want to do that, so is urging her DH to go & earn the money she craves so that she is not inconvenienced by doing all the unpleasant shit that comes with big bucks roles.

She won't do it herself but expects him to.
She's already mapped out how SHE will spend HIS hard-won extra 68%.
It's revolting, really.

Health and Life insurance also important for those wishing to start a family...current job doesnt offer those.

@ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine

Well said, & power to you & DH for the teamwork x

@messolini9

just because DH doesn't want THIS job

My reading of the OP is not that he has an issue with this job, he has an issue with any job that isn't his current one, with his current colleagues.

He can't cling onto the status quo forever; he is going to have to change his mindset sooner or later.

The problem is, by the time he realises that, this opportunity will be long gone and another might not come along (because unwillingness to change an adapt is a big turnoff for most employers)

I haven't voted, because I think YABU and also YANBU.

In his shoes, I would absolutely take the role with the higher salary, unless I had a real reason to think that the working conditions and culture would be poor in comparison to his current role. It's a big salary jump for a job that's effectively the same.

On the other hand, I think you are being unreasonable as you're expecting him to (potentially) compromise his happiness at work for financial gain, but you've got a ready excuse as to why you can't earn a similar amount. Perhaps you can't in your current field, but there are always options to change industry to something better paying. So if high earning is important to you, then I think you should be prepared to walk the walk and try to better your own earning potential.

I’m On the other side of this, with kids and now back in an ‘easier’ job life. If you don’t have DC just now and you’re both young and healthy, now is the time to take more money when you don’t need flexibility- and you can still leave a job if it doesn’t work out. Flexibility and need for security is the ‘career killer’ that ties you to a job once you have DC, IMHO.