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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

554 replies

Pollyspocketrocket · 24/01/2020 12:58

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

OP posts:
FlaskMaster · 24/01/2020 14:51

Some things are worth more than money. Enjoying a job, where you spend most of your working day, is priceless. Can he do a trial day there to check it out if he's undecided?

Berrymuch · 24/01/2020 14:52

It's up to him, if I was him and enjoyed my job I wouldn't change it. The hours on paper might be the same, but he will be expected to answer emails and calls out of hours, guaranteed.

BarbaraofSeville · 24/01/2020 14:53

Quality of life includes, home, holidays, luxuries...60% pay raise would see those skyrocket

Quality of life also includes time to enjoy the money you earn and also to be able to relax outside work without being expected to be tethered to your phone to answer emails.

If they're already financially comfortable, the extra money might not make much of a difference to the house, holidays and 'stuff' that they can afford.

This thread reminds me of the Mexican Fisherman story:

An American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.

The Mexican replied, “Only a little while.”

The American then asked why he didn’t stay out longer and catch more fish.

The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.

The American then asked, “But what do you do with the rest of your time?”

The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a full and busy life.”

The American scoffed. “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat, and with the proceeds from the bigger boat, you could buy several boats. Eventually, you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman, you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing, and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC, where you will run your expanding enterprise.”

The Mexican fisherman asked, “But how long will this take?”

To which the American replied, “Fifteen to twenty years.”

“But what then?”

The American laughed and said that’s the best part. “When the time is right, you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich; you would make millions.”

“Millions?” asked the fisherman. “Then what?”

The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evening, sip wine, and play guitar with your amigos!”

Confuddledtown · 24/01/2020 14:53

If 31k is a 68% pay rise, then roughly you would be taking home an extra £1500 a month with the tax difference

lazylinguist · 24/01/2020 14:54

I can't believe all these comments about 'pipe and slippers', 'wet', 'scared' etc. If you're lucky enough to find a job you love, then why leave it, unless you need the money?
There is nothing remotely morally superior about being ambitious or wanting more money. Those of you looking down on a person who values happiness and job satisfaction over career advancement and money sound thoroughly superficial and unpleasant tbh.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/01/2020 14:55

everyone is assuming that OPs husband would hate the new job...he might like it.

Hatchee · 24/01/2020 14:55

Not sure I'd trust a private sector employer that claims the workweek's going to be exactly the same. That big bump in salary usually comes with a big bump in expectations. They can't put that in the contract, obviously, but it's there.

lboogy · 24/01/2020 14:56

There's nothing wrong with encouraging your DH. My DH is also a creature of comfort. I encouraged him to apply for a director role (albeit in a not for profit) and get got it. Still not on loads of money and I've accepted he'll never be the breadwinner.

If I want more money, I'll work to get it - which is what I've done.

That said I agree with others than £50k is a sweet spot for earnings. Any money above that has just meant more savings and holiday, better car but more money hasn't made me happier. There's just a mental security in knowing you don't have to make basic choices between heating and food for example.

I vote YANBU to want your hubby to not turn down the job, but at the same time it's his life and if he thinks he'll be unhappy in the new role then don't push him.

BlackBlueBell · 24/01/2020 14:57

I think it all depends on if you are living comfortably right now on your current salaries? And if he realises that the people he works with most likely won’t always work there, so when his colleagues pick up and leave (obviously this is likely to be years down the line and not all at once) will he still be happy working there? Money isn’t everything but it can make life a hell of a lot easier. He’ll make new relationships in his new workplace, and if he doesn’t like it there’s always the possibility of trying to get his old job back, or moving on to another.

Thinkingabout1t · 24/01/2020 14:57

Difficult one - though it's not as cut-and-dried as "no one in their right mind ...". I've always gone for the more enjoyable job rather than the money. But I can see where you might want to be banking loads of money while you've got the chance, to set yourselves up for the future.

It has to be his decision, though. How would you feel if he takes the new job just to please you, and then finds it stressful and unfriendly?

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/01/2020 14:57

Its over 1k extra a month! definitely worth it imo.

PhilCornwall1 · 24/01/2020 14:58

I know that, what exactly does your comment add to what I said?

Alright, chill out, no need to be so short.

Pollyspocketrocket · 24/01/2020 14:58

I’m quite surprised by the amount of people who are assuming that, because the job is in the private sector, that he’ll automatically hate it and have an awful experience Confused

OP posts:
Thinkingabout1t · 24/01/2020 14:59

BarbaraofSeville I love the Mexican fisherman story!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 14:59

everyone is assuming that OPs husband would hate the new job...he might like it.

On the other hand he might not, and ultimately it is his choice to make.

I wonder what would happen if he reluctantly took the job and then once in post the reality hit - long hours, bringing work home, no flexibility, expected to deal with calls and emails on holiday. Would the op then be demanding that he find a different job because she doesn't like the effects of this one?

No company pays that much more and doesn't expect more from you. Of course there will be negatives to this, they just don't know what they are yet.

ilovesooty · 24/01/2020 14:59

@lazylinguist absolutely.

BrightYellowDaffodil · 24/01/2020 15:00

If the money is so important to YOU then YOU need to go out and earn it. He has different priorities and that's OK.

This, in spades. There is more to life than a bigger salary if you can live comfortably on what you’ve got. I guess you’re already thinking about what the money could be spent on, but that means someone else having to change something they don’t want to change in order to achieve it.

So yes, YABU.

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 15:00

Your husband should stop being such a hippie and take the new job.
Or maybe OP & PP should stop being such breadheads, maaaaan ...

This thread is like shooting gold-diggers in a barrel.

Problem with not being able to advance in your own field? No problem!
Just coerce the human being you profess to love into doing it for you. They take the pain, you get the money, hurrah!
Never mind what he wants - you can't pay your mortgage off quickly enough to suit you, & can't afford kids on your own, so fuck him & his pesky opinion on his own career, huh?

Hont1986 · 24/01/2020 15:02

I would be quite surprised if a private employer paying close to £80k is really going to let him keep to his public sector working hours and WFH days.

That's you-need-to-be-contactable-by-email-at-weekends-and-on-annual-leave money, in my experience.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 15:02

There is nothing remotely morally superior about being ambitious or wanting more money. Those of you looking down on a person who values happiness and job satisfaction over career advancement and money sound thoroughly superficial and unpleasant tbh.

Absolutely.

Thinkingabout1t · 24/01/2020 15:02

Polly, not assuming the job will be awful because it's in the private sector. Just going on what you say he values in his present job:

"it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day".

Rosehipbubbles · 24/01/2020 15:04

Lots may and, most likely, will change in the public sector over the next few years. It's not unrealistic that in the next few months he could go into work to be told about a reorg with a large headcount reduction and all those nice colleagues he works with get made redundant or take a package and leave and those that are left need to pick up the slack as best they can. It's happening all over the public sector.

LaurieMarlow · 24/01/2020 15:04

Not sure I'd trust a private sector employer that claims the workweek's going to be exactly the same.

This.

The private sector aren’t generally known for paying the big bucks for cushy numbers.

It could be great, but equally it might not. On balance, hours and responsibilities are very unlikely to be equivalent. Work satisfaction is hard to put a price on.

If the OP thinks the extra money is so valuable, perhaps she should earn it.

Hont1986 · 24/01/2020 15:05

Unlike the private sector which is facing no large shake-ups in the next few years... hey wait a minute.

Rosehipbubbles · 24/01/2020 15:05

If it was me I'd take the job in a heart beat - he's in his 30s! It a no brainer imo.