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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

554 replies

Pollyspocketrocket · 24/01/2020 12:58

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

OP posts:
Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 21:30

It's all in the OP.

Yes, yes it is - if you're reading the op in cloud cuckoo land.

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 21:34

If he wasn't interested in the job, or completely content, he wouldn't have gone to the interview.

Going along to find out what's on offer in response to being headhunted is not the same as being properly interested, or discontent with his current job.
Perhaps he was 'window shopping' - I am not interested in buying a different house, because I am content with this one - it doesn't stop me from finding out what's happening with the market c/o a lovely browse on Rightmove. Nor does it mean that the only reason I'm not moving house is because I'm "anxious about a big life change".

Maybe he's wiser than PP's urging him to accept the offer at face value. Maybe he's cynical about a 68% pay increase that purports to offer the same conditions. Maybe he has established that the reality would very different from the promises, or that the boss-to-be is an arse, or that there is a toxic culture of presenteeism, or he does not agree with their IT policy, or .... anything!

  • because he was the one who attended the interview & was able to check all this out.
We weren't, we're not in a position to know. OP might know more, but she's not telling us - she's oddly silent about any of her DH's actual thoughts on the company itself, or his feelings at all really. Quite vocal about his potential earning power though. Go figure.

No one is saying he's irrational.
Then what was your post saying he needs to consult a "rational 3rd party" about then?

great working conditions
Are they?
We're not in a position to assess that. He is.

Isn't it much more likely that he is naturally anxious about a big life change, and so is trying to justify his hesitation with these reasons?
@PurpleMice, I genuinely can't understand why PP are insisting he needs to justify anything.

Is he even hesitating? - we don't know. He could be entirely gung ho with no hesitation at all, feeling he's better off in his current role.
I think OP's he's not sure he wants to take it could actually be him knowing damn well he doesn't want to, but attempting to soften the blow to his wife, who will obviously be disappointed.

NemophilistRebel · 24/01/2020 21:37

He will resent you if he moves and misses his old job

Oly4 · 24/01/2020 21:38

Gosh I’d be pushing for him to take it too.. life changing amount of money! Who’s to say he won’t love the new job? And the people?
Is he going to stay where he is forever?

NemophilistRebel · 24/01/2020 21:38

And rightly so

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 21:41

Gosh I’d be pushing for him to take it too.. life changing amount of money!

He earns plenty of money already.
Why should he take a job he doesn't want, to gratify somebody else's desire for more?

BohoBunney · 24/01/2020 21:41

I chased a job with more money. Then tried to kill myself after a few years as was so toxic and I'm genuinely a broken person now when it comes to employment. I completely understand his reservations and this isn't something you can demand. Yes chances are it would be fine, but if he's on a decent salary and you're both happy why rock the boat? He clearly has his reason for not leaving and you need to respect that. i think I'd be really upset if my parter was trying to pimp me out for a better life.

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 21:44

There are obviously be types of people here

Those who fly by the seat of their.pants, take risks, jump first ask questions later

And those who are more cautious, weigh the pros and cons, take a more considered approach.

I don't think you can turn yourself into type 1 if you are type 2 and there is a lot to be said for being the 2nd type.

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 21:46

@BohoBunney Flowers & best wishes with eventual recovery from the burnout.

i think I'd be really upset if my parter was trying to pimp me out for a better life.
Does kinda come down to that yeah Grin

However, I'd feel proud of a partner who wasn't for sale to the highest bidder.

Paintedmaypole · 24/01/2020 21:51

I don't think it is your business to tell him what to do regarding his job, it is him that has to do it. You look after your job and let him look after his.

SandyY2K · 24/01/2020 21:58

Don't depend on a man for a better lifestyle and paying of your mortgage.

I agree that there's nothing like a great team at work. The private sector can be quite different and it should be entirely his choice to take the job.

YABU

TitsInAbsentia · 24/01/2020 22:02

Having left a job years ago for more money I can't honestly say yabu, money is not everything, and no matter what a prospective employer offers the reality can often be very different once you are on board. Stop with the pound signs and seeing your DH as a cash cow rather than someone you love and value.

memberofseven · 24/01/2020 22:07

More chance of further increase in private sector. Public sector is no longer the job for life it once was. He should go and do a trial day and see what it is really like.

MsTSwift · 24/01/2020 22:10

God the self righteousness! There’s nothing morally wrong about seeking optimum remuneration for your skills. Pre kids is the best time to go for it. My big job I had from 26- 32 enabled me to have 6 years as sahm so yes very glad I did max my earning potential pre kids late twenties.

AllHeart1 · 24/01/2020 22:11

I think anyone who thinks that a private sector Company is going to offer 68% more (that’s a very odd figure btw) with exactly the same working conditions is extremely naive.

IME the public and private sectors are poles apart, and most people I’ve known who have left the public sector have gone back very quickly once they’ve realised just what working for the private sector involves.

These companies who pay the big money always expect their lb of flesh for the salaries they’re paying.

NemophilistRebel · 24/01/2020 22:22

These companies who pay the big money always expect their lb of flesh for the salaries they’re paying.

This x1000

anonymousLangFan · 24/01/2020 22:37

I was in a similar situation and stayed in my public sector job for the camaraderie. Within two years all my favourite colleagues had left for better paid jobs elsewhere and I ended up working with annoying new people anyway.

Howareya123 · 24/01/2020 22:44

Can he take a career break from the public sector job to work in the private sector. If he doesn't get on ok then he still has the other job to go back to. Not sure that is allowed where you are though?

Potatopia · 24/01/2020 22:52

Are you going to be a 68% better wife if he takes it?

BohoBunney · 24/01/2020 22:58

Thank you @messolini9 slowly getting there!

There’s nothing morally wrong about seeking optimum remuneration for your skills
Of course not, but that is for the OPs partner to decide and him alone. If he is happy and has a genuine reason for staying put op should respect that. He's not financially jeopardising their future, he is just choosing stability and comfort over money, which is absolutely fine.

I think anyone who thinks that a private sector Company is going to offer 68% more (that’s a very odd figure btw) with exactly the same working conditions is extremely naive.
Completely agree with this too. Such a massive salary will demand something (longer hours, inflexible working)

NemophilistRebel · 24/01/2020 22:59

To add - I was in similar position last year but I was the one being headhunted on a 40% increase which happened to be about £20k

Apparently for same benefits and working hours and flexibility

It was my DH who suggested I turn it down

In the grand scheme of things even a 20k increase which ends up being taxed at the higher rate isn’t worth a huge amount once it’s in the bank

And in reality the more you earn the more you get used to spending

Unless you Need the money then why just have the added potential burden?

There is a sweet spot between earnings and stress levels and I for one don’t want to end up with the wrong balance

Waveysnail · 24/01/2020 23:14

Dh choice. You cant put a price on mental health

blueshoes · 24/01/2020 23:21

but he is on 46k!

Hardly senior management then as the OP stated

Meow!

blueshoes · 24/01/2020 23:32

Just because a smaller proportion of the £31K goes into OP's dh's pocket because he becomes a higher rate tax payer or loses some of his pension benefits does not take into account the potential over his lifetime that he could earn from his higher base salary.

If he does not take the job, he will not only forgo the 68% but all pay increases based on that 68%. For a man who is in his early 30s, that is criminally unambitious. If it was me, I would be proud to be able to provide so well for my family-to-be.

I have only worked in the private sector. It is not a given that it will suck your soul dry. In an organisation, some roles may and others may not be difficult and they all sit alongside each other and people change ALL the time. Change is the only constant. So beware of staying in an organisation thinking things will not change. In all the change that has happened throughout almost 3 decades in the private sector, the only constant that still warms the cockles of my heart and puts that spring in my step is cold hard cash.

Money is the purest form of satisfaction.

If things are not good, in the new place, move on. There is a disloyalty bonus for people who are prepared to move jobs. I have always taken the view that in whatever job, I will learn as much as I can so if I did have to move on, I have gained in terms of skills (and the pay whilst I was there) and upskilled to get a better job.

Which is why I think it is a shame that a 30 year old person would coast at this time in their life in a public sector job. But whilst the OP can have her opinion (which I agree with), ultimately it is her dh's choice.

ItIsWhatItIsInnit · 24/01/2020 23:37

In all the change that has happened throughout almost 3 decades in the private sector, the only constant that still warms the cockles of my heart and puts that spring in my step is cold hard cash.

Yeah, that's YOU. I don't see how that's relevant to OP's DH or anyone else. The old classic "I think this, therefore everyone else should too".