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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

554 replies

Pollyspocketrocket · 24/01/2020 12:58

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 24/01/2020 18:47

I think yabu. Hes doing well , earning reasonable money, why would he move jobs if he doesnt want to. Pay rise? Well private sector is also inherently less stable employment than public. There is more to life than money. I think maybe you should consider moving to a more lucrative career if money is that important to you.

WhoAmIToTellYou · 24/01/2020 18:50

I think he should take it- he might be just fine and 30s is the age to build and progress not settle into a job for life.
Just my 2p worth

Sunflower20 · 24/01/2020 18:55

He should try it no? What's the point of starting the mundane day to day life aged 30.

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 18:57

@Chipmonkeypoopoo - that broken feeling? - it gets better with time & careful self-management, including allowing yourself to do the things you really enjoy without worrying about not being Mrs Megabucks today - really.

I hope you enjoy your year out as much as possible, & find a better balance over the next few months Flowers

PurpleMice · 24/01/2020 18:58

Stand up to who?

Stand up to scrutiny. By a rational impartial party.

Seriously, it's clear that he's got cold feet. Change is scary.

OP - get him to look at reviews of the new company on Glassdoor. See if there's a pattern of poor reviews (bearing in mind that you're always going to get some poor reviews from disgruntled ex-employees). If it's overwhelmingly awful, then he's probably right to worry. If not - it's far more likely that one day he's going to regret not taking up a fantastic opportunity.

It's his choice in the end - obviously, though. Smile

Treacletoots · 24/01/2020 19:01

If you want more money, you earn it. It is that simple. Don't have the skills, upskill yourself.

A job where you are happy and like your colleagues is worth it's weight in gold. Your DH is right to not want to throw away something that makes him happy to earn more money.

Mortgage free in your 30s may be possible, but the reality is you'll get used to the money, your expectations will rise and youll end up with bigger house, car and so on whilst your DH could hate his job but be scared to leave because of his financial commitments.

I can guarantee he will work At Least 68% more for that pay, and more besides.

Cohle · 24/01/2020 19:04

It's not like you have kids to provide for etc (in which case I would think long and hard about the salary increase). He's able to prioritise his own happiness and I think it's fair enough he wants to do so.

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 19:04

Seriously, why would he pass up this chance?

Because he doesn't want it.
His wife wants it, several dozen randoms on MN would clearly want it, but the point all the "he should/he ought/he must" PP's are missing is ... it's his decision too make.

It's hardly as if he's scrabbling for loose change - is a guy not allowed to be content - must he always display 'ambition' & be on a money-making career trajectory in order to be considered good enough?

XingMing · 24/01/2020 19:07

Obviously, I can't speak for anyone else, but when I wanted to relocate (marriage etc), I could not commute to work, so I resigned to do the same work as a freelance. This coincided with my previous employer going into liquidation. I ended up with 450 potential friends and acquaintances commissioning me, instead of 20, and enjoyed 15 years of earning well. I worked like a dog for most of them, for 35 weeks a year, but always had gentle summers to regenerate and read. I was very very LUCKY on the timing, but I loved self-employment even more than working, and I had the best job (for me) on the planet. Like I said, all luck and being the right person, in the right place, at the right time. It can happen, and being 30-ish seems to be where it all starts. Before that, I would have been too young; at 42, becoming too old. It stopped abruptly when I was 47 and keener to go home than to go for a drink with the gang, then face a 250 mile trip home.

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 19:07

I think he's scared of change and trying to rationalise it - which is why his reasons don't stand up.
FFS - where is all this projection & wild assumption coming from?

Stand up to who? They stand up to him, that's good enough. He doesn't want to change his job, it doesn't matter why, he just doesn't. He doesn't have to justify that to you, the op or the man in the moon. He chooses not to.

Cheers @Hearhoovesthinkzebras & well said Gin

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 19:14

He should try it no? What's the point of starting the mundane day to day life aged 30.

The point is, it's not mundane to him.
He loves it.
Chasing more cash might make other people happy, but obviously not him - he said so.
Money doesn't buy you time.
Focusing purely on money teaches you the price of everything & the value of nothing.
Having a job that not only doesn't depress you but which you actively look forward to every day is priceless.

messolini9 · 24/01/2020 19:17

Stand up to who?

Stand up to scrutiny. By a rational impartial party.
Fucksake @PurpleMice, this is all getting a bit bonkers Grin

Would you like people, oh sorry, "a party" to "scrutinse" your work choices, & imply you are irrational for making them?
Or would you prefer to be treated like an adult with your own agency & perfectly enough work experience to inform your own choices?

Softskin88 · 24/01/2020 19:18

Money isn’t everything. A job that you enjoy and a good work life balance can far outweigh pounds and pence.

Also bear in mind that a large pay rise can be eaten up in taxes, lost Child Benefit etc and can amount to only a modest monthly increase for a hell of a lot of extra work and stress.

If you have no kids, then surely you’re a partnership of equals and it’s not his duty to go and be the breadwinner. If you want to increase the income of the partnership, then surely you could do something towards it?

rwalker · 24/01/2020 19:22

Being happy at working massive has a huge affect on your life.
He's your husband not a cash cow think you should respect his deccission

AnArrestableOffence · 24/01/2020 19:29

He should try it no? What's the point of starting the mundane day to day life aged 30.

Taking a job you don't want, to earn more money for your partner and children is the epitome of "mundane day to day life". And they don't even have kids.

XingMing · 24/01/2020 19:42

I agree that you DH isn't there being your partner to fund your choices and preferences. DH and I both had baby businesses at the same time; mine got off the ground quicker, but it's his that keeps the wolf from the door now. Good luck making the best choice for you.

Alsohuman · 24/01/2020 19:59

Was that sarcastic, Also? I disagree: they get all his expertise and knowledge without paying a single penny more than they need to, so why would they bother "rewarding" him when they know he's not going anywhere? The public sector is always watching its budgets

No, it wasn’t sarcastic. He’ll be first in line for promotion when someone more senior leaves. They can’t pay him more in his current role, he’s at the top of his scale but they can give him a better job when one is available.

Oakenbeach · 24/01/2020 20:23

but he is on 46k!

Hardly senior management then as the OP stated

Oakenbeach · 24/01/2020 20:28

I am the same. I don't understand this stupid idea we're all meant to be chasing big bucks and 60 hour weeks in our 20s. Why? I do 37.5 and go home, and still manage to save half my salary. I value my free time, mental health and hobbies over stress, a new car, a huge house and Molton Brown soap

I agree, but some people do have this strange mentality that they should sacrifice their early adulthood and miss out on their family life, be stressed out and frazzled all the time.... all in pursuit of the dream of a rich and lazy retirement at 55.... And then they’re bored. What a waste of a life

PurpleMice · 24/01/2020 21:07

@ messolini9

Would you like people, oh sorry, "a party" to "scrutinse" your work choices, & imply you are irrational for making them?
Or would you prefer to be treated like an adult with your own agency & perfectly enough work experience to inform your own choices?

Grin If only people were so simple and straightforward as you make them out to be!

No one is saying he's irrational.

If he wasn't interested in the job, or completely content, he wouldn't have gone to the interview. He must have made a great impression, as the company seem very keen to have him. They seem to understand that working conditions are important to him, so have offered flexibility, etc.

He's been offered a great job doing something he enjoys and excels at, a very significant raise, great working conditions, from a company that is very keen on making him happy. But he's now saying he doesn't want it, simply because he likes his current colleagues & he's comfy, even though jobs change & colleagues come & go - so there's no guarantee he'll continue to be happy where he is.

Isn't it much more likely that he is naturally anxious about a big life change, and so is trying to justify his hesitation with these reasons?

PurpleMice · 24/01/2020 21:07

Sorry - bold fail above!

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 21:16

If he wasn't interested in the job, or completely content, he wouldn't have gone to the interview. He must have made a great impression, as the company seem very keen to have him. They seem to understand that working conditions are important to him, so have offered flexibility, etc.

He's been offered a great job doing something he enjoys and excels at, a very significant raise, great working conditions, from a company that is very keen on making him happy

How on earth do you know this? They've offered him more money for, apparently, similar working conditions. Until he gets there and then he'll find out whether all the promises are true or not.

I love the great working conditions from a company keen on making him happy 😂😂😂😂😂😂 yes, right.

Anyway, still doesn't matter. They could promise him the moon on a stick - he doesn't want it.

MsTSwift · 24/01/2020 21:18

I think it’s odd he doesn’t want to move. When I realised I could earn double for doing the same job somewhere else I didn’t think twice. I would have felt a mug staying out when the skills I had were highly valued somewhere else.

PurpleMice · 24/01/2020 21:26

How on earth do you know this?

It's all in the OP. Wink

Hearhoovesthinkzebras · 24/01/2020 21:27

When I realised I could earn double for doing the same job somewhere else I didn’t think twice. I would have felt a mug staying out when the skills I had were highly valued somewhere else.

But that's you isn't it? I would rather work for the public sector than the private sector, on principle because that's what is more important to me. I would rather feel.like I was making a difference than making money. Isn't it wonderful that we are all different? Judging by some of these posts jobs like teaching are liked at with disdain because teachers should actually be moving into private industry and earning much more money with their degrees.