For wanting DH to leave a job he loves for a huge pay rise?

[Pollyspocketrocket]

DH works in the public sector in a senior management role. He works in a specialist field which is very much in demand, particularly in the private sector where the same type of role attracts a much higher salary. DH has been headhunted by a large private company who (following interview) have offered him a significant package including a salary increase of 68%. The employer is offering the same working hours per week, same home working arrangements for part of the week and the same annual leave allocation as DH receives with his current employer. The pension scheme is slightly less favourable but his prospective employer is offering health and life insurance which DH doesn’t currently have with his existing employer.

Since DH has been offered the job he’s now not sure he wants to take it. His argument is that money isn’t everything it’s the great working relationship with all of his colleagues, which makes a big difference to his day. He loves going to work and as an employer they’ve been good - he’s free to work flexibly and doesn’t have to work over his contracted hours or carry any stress with him when he leaves for the day.

AIBU in thinking that no one in their right mind would turn down such a large pay rise? The pay increase alone would enable us to clear our mortgage within the next few years and set ourselves up nicely for our future if we decide to have DC or alternatively, drop down our working hours in later life (I’m late 20s, DH early 30s) AIBU?

The problem with the public sector is that, no matter how lovely your job may be, things can change at the drop of a hat: with public funding being so tight, you can suddenly find your job disappearing from under you, or most of your colleagues being made redundant, or that you've suddenly been merged with another department where things aren't nearly so good. Also, of course, you may love your colleagues and not want to move away from them, but they may well move away from you - indeed, in your DP's case they may well be offered the job he's thinking of turning down.

There are other potentially dangerous unknown factors. If his current employers know he is turning down better opportunities, it's going to colour their view of your OP when it comes to thinking about promotion, because they'll be aware that he's unambitious and they may start worrying about whether he's actually fit to take on any greater responsibilities or do more difficult stuff. And they'll also be aware that if they don't treat him that well, they're safe, because he's reluctant to move and anyway he's burnt his boats with other potential employers.

One thing I've noticed throughout my working life: people who get on well with their colleagues and work hard tend to fit in easily wherever they are, and enjoy their work wherever they are. On the other hand, people who seem to encounter problems do so whatever job they're in till you discover that it's not the job that is the problem, it's them. Obviously it's not a universal rule - I fully accept that a shitty employer or workmate is shitty no matter how great their employees/colleagues are: but if your DH is the type to get on well with people, that will apply whatever job he is in.

@equanimitas, that is reaching a bit. He doesn't want to leave because he likes his job now. If that changed in future then surely he could reconsider it then. Also, that's not how a lot of jobs work - you don't burn your bridges by turning down an offer. You can turn it down one month then apply for the same thing a few months later and they'll take you if they want you. They don't get offended and blacklist you for turning down a job.....

If his current employers know he is turning down better opportunities, it's going to colour their view of your OP when it comes to thinking about promotion, because they'll be aware that he's unambitious and they may start worrying about whether he's actually fit to take on any greater responsibilities or do more difficult stuff

Or they may reward his loyalty and unparalleled experience and knowledge of the organisation.

Has he asked for your advice on this? If he wasn't pulling his weight in your joint responsabilites that would be one thing, but that is not the case.

You sound incompatible to me in the long run unless you can appreciate that your DP has different values from yours.

It sounds like the money would be nice but isnt the difference between too poor and not too poor. I would never trade in a job where I'm happy for a job which paid more, unless it was because I was ready for a new experience. If you're lucky enough that money isnt everything then seriously let him do what makes him happy. I had a job where I was under a lot of pressure, bullied and ended up losing so much confidence. Am now medicated for anxiety and still trying to regain the confidence i lost in a new job I'm much happier in. I'm sure this offer wont necessarily make him unhappy, but I would let him do whays right for his career and happiness. And remember that public sector is generally much better on things like paternity pay and leave if that's relevant to you as a couple...

Or they may reward his loyalty and unparalleled experience and knowledge of the organisation.

Was that sarcastic, Also? I disagree: they get all his expertise and knowledge without paying a single penny more than they need to, so why would they bother "rewarding" him when they know he's not going anywhere? The public sector is always watching its budgets.

@goodwinter

I think he's scared of change and trying to rationalise it - which is why his reasons don't stand up.

The OP says that the potential new company are promising to meet the same working conditions and perks that he currently has (apart from the pension). We have no reason not to believe this - many public companies offer flexibility and care about their employees' wellbeing.

And as I've said, while he's comfy in his job now, things can quickly and unexpectedly change.

Seriously, why would he pass up this chance? He has nothing to lose.

A job you love is very very rare, and if you can manage on the salary I'd say cling on to it with every bone in your body. Millions of people slave away in jobs they hate, getting more and more miserable and worn down and defeated by it. Money doesn't help that. If you have a job you love, and can live on the salary, then you're one of the lucky ones.

So he was interested enough to go for interview but then this enormous pay increase is suddenly unattractive? Money isn't everything, but maximising earnings at that sort of age generally stands one in very good stead. You never know what is round the corner.

I think he's scared of change and trying to rationalise it - which is why his reasons don't stand up.

Stand up to who? They stand up to him, that's good enough. He doesn't want to change his job, it doesn't matter why, he just doesn't. He doesn't have to justify that to you, the op or the man in the moon. He chooses not to.

If the op really can't accept that then she can make her own choice.

If you are willing to let him tell you what you should do with your life and never support any of your decisions, than please carry on.
The fact is you are in a great position, be happy with that.
Those saying his colleagues may leave , are trying to think of reasons where none exist- if his colleagues do leave than AT THAT TIME he can weigh up his options and not before.
Will your finances be better , if you end up splitting up over this?

He has nothing to lose.

He has quite a lot to lose, not least employment protection which he won't get in his new job for 2 years.

Ellisandra

It’s not your business.
His job, his choice.
If you want to pay your mortgage off quickly, or have the chance to work less hours later in life, what areyoudoing to make that happen?

This ^

Also I would add that ppl saying he should do this are missing the crux of this. Each person may do A or B, in the longer run it maybe better to do C or D. Thats all hypothetical.
The point is who should be making this decison and what would you expect your partner to do?

I would be incredibly surprised if the private sector offers anywhere near as good a pension! I bet the private sector is a DC scheme where local authority is final salary. And final salary schemes are worth a LOT.

Whatever his decision, it would be good to have a chat about BOTH of your career ambitions over the weekend.

It may be that career progression isn't a priority for him but it is for you, so you'll aiming for the promotions and going for high salaries in your 30's. If that's the case, great. If you have children in the future, he'll be the parent with flexibility who'll take on more of the day-to-day responsibilities while you provide more financial support. Even if you don't have children, if you want to take on demanding roles, he'll need to be understanding of the long hours, possible house moves that you might make for a great opportunity, etc.

Or, you may both decide that career progression isn't a major priority.
As long as you discuss it and understand what the other person has in mind, you can make it work. Not being upfront about your ambitions isn't healthy long term.

DH and I were both ambitious initially, but I made a couple of big moves to further his career and then decided that going part-time worked better when I started a family. Now I work pt and have also started a small business. It could've been the other way around.

I've had the worry of a husband who was desperately unhappy in his job, but for who moving to a new employer would have made little difference to either our finances or his happiness. In his industry, at that time, the salaries and pressures were very similar regardless of which company you worked for. Part of the problem was that to change industry entirely, in order to try to earn more, would have meant starting from the bottom again - not easy when you have a lot of experience in your current role and the responsibilities of a family and mortgage. I can't tell you how glad we were when be was made redundant and he decided to take a retirement package. Financially we are only slightly worse off, but as dcs are now adults and in their own places, we can cope with it. It's worth it to have a husband who doesn't dread getting up every morning, isn't snappy and is far more relaxed in all his relationships.
You and your Dh are already earning way, way more than our income and if he is happy as he is, I'd take that in a heartbeat. Rather that than he ends up having a breakdown because of the pressures that are inevitable in the private sector but feels unable to turn it down because he knows you are judging him and finding him wanting.

I used to have a final salary scheme. My private sector employer closed it. Offered us a choice of 2 rubbish schemes, if we refused to accept closure of scheme we effectively terminated our employment.

I think you need to tread very carefully here. If feels pressure from you to quite and take the other job, then doesn't enjoy it, it could end up putting a huge strain on your relationship.

I moved job at 26 from “nice” job in the provinces with nice colleagues to equivalent job in the city and doubled my salary at a stroke. It’s a no brainer! And the new colleagues became friends too only more interesting and international ones. Best move ever

At least he’s friendly at work unlike my dh with his colleagues

To everyone mentioning the fantastic final salary pension scheme he’ll be loosing out on, this was withdrawn years ago by DH’s employer (long before he started there), so he isn’t entitled to that. Hence my original post indicating that his new salary scheme would only be marginally worse than his current public sector one.

I left a 27K public sector job. Took an almost 40K job in the same field but private sector. With benefits (i.e. bills I didn't need to pay etc) it was more like an 80K job. I stayed at it for 7 years and it absolutely broke me. I am now half way through a year off and still trying to get over it. I loved my 27K job. If I'd stayed I'd still be happily at work.

I dont thinking matters about how little difference there is between pensions.

What matters is that he doesnt esnt his job. He wants to switch off when he finishes and enjoy going to work.

It's his decision. It's your decision to have a career that has progress stunted at certain points. This is his choice.