To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

Also need to say that if she wasn't answering the phone to you and was at the cinema, how could she have answered the phone to DN in the event of something going wrong? There's so much wrong with this. This isn't a typical 'my mil is a pain' post. This is a my mil put my baby in danger post!

Also, if anyone starts wheedling you with "I know you are angry right now and don't want to allow unsupervised visits but maybe in a few months you'll have come round".....remember that your MIL also demonstrated that she is unfit to be left in sole charge of a TWELVE YEAR OLD without putting them in jeopardy without their parents knowledge, so any suggestion of unsupervised contact earlier that age 12 should be met only with laughter and "Hell No!"

WTAF have I just read???

That is just awful! I think it could be illegal as well. You poor thing.

All I can say to help your distress OP, is to congratulate you on your strong gut feel.

Your instincts KNEW she couldn't be relied on, and next time stick to your gut feel guns xxx

That is shocking. She was clearly being very inappropriate to think it was ok to leave the baby with anyone else let alone a 12 year old who was unfamiliar with babies. My early teen nieces/nephews have been great with my little ones but have needed guidance and at 12 would have struggled with anything out of the ordinary. I wouldn’t have left either of them alone with a baby but would now be comfortable for the 14 yo to have the 3yo for a few hours (it’s not happened though so all hypothetical). Your mil’s boundaries were way off.

Like others, I do think you have to take a bit of responsibility for allowing the situation to happen. Most people would have said no to leaving a baby alone for an whole weekend at 5m with an unfamiliar adult. You were clearly uncomfortable but allowed it to happen anyway and it would be helpful for you to really think about why that was.

If this is for real then you ANBU and I would cut her out, no second chances, no more manipulation, no more giving into her.

"I was very wrong to agree to leave DD with her"
Yes you were
"but she was asking every day talking about how lonely she is, how DD makes her forget the pain, etc..."
manipulative and selfish

"I need to work on setting boundaries"
Yes you do

"I hope DH won't convince me to forgive MIL."
???

"DH and SIL say their mother was very wrong but she has issues"
He knows she has issues and he should never have agreed to the plan. However, they are both deep in FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) - the conditioning runs deep.

I advise you to read "Toxic In-laws" by Susan Forward and prioritise setting boundaries as a matter of urgency.

If you and your DH don't agree on this I would strongly advise some couple's counselling.

She’s trying to show you up as an over protective mother. I can guess she had issues with you BF as well.

My DD is nearly 12. I don’t trust her with the cat completely.

I can’t fathom why anyone who pleaded to look after their granddaughter would then decide to go to the cinema with friends.

IL did similar with DD1 when I gave in to letting them go for a walk with pushchair.

I didn't hold with leaving babies outside shops - MIL did it a lot with DH - they said of coure they wouldn't - had loads of local friends and few later asked why DD was by herself in street Saturday - as they couldn't see us or anyone with her noone had come over when they'd gone to say hello.

They'd basiclly ended up going shopping - we hadn't wanted them to have DD1 - tehre wa sno reason we were sat at home doing nothing -there was no reason to take her or not go with them other than prolonged pressure to do so.

I used to find trips and visists exhausting when kids were young as constantly had to watch out for MIL sneaking of with usually eldest and deliberaly doing something she knew we'd have an issue with.

Really don’t understand how mothers can leave babies with someone they don’t feel comfortable with in the first place just to “keep the peace” shouldn’t your children come first??? YOU really need to have a good think about your priorities and listen to your gut instinct.

How was your niece after this?

'you were wrong to leave your daughter with her'. She left her daughter with her grandmother not Gary Glitter! Only on mumsnet it's viewed as completely unreasonable to leave an under 6 month old with a grandparent. Ffs

Completely mil is at fault. I'm getting so wound up seeing people blame the mother here

OP no unsupervised contact from now on is sensible

@Snoopdogsbitch

but that was your own mother

who did not leave your baby with a 12 year old (WHOSE OWN MOTHER DID NOT KNOW)

whilst she bogged off to the cinema

AND SWITCHED HER PHONE OFF.

My double strand of pearls are well and truly clutched.

I can't believe left her in the first place. I too have a five month old and there's no fucking way I'd let anyone bully me into leaving my baby and especially not for a whole fucking weekend

What the fuck were you thinking? Start putting your baby and it's needs first. Not anyone elses.

Really don’t understand how mothers can leave babies with someone they don’t feel comfortable with in the first place just to “keep the peace” shouldn’t your children come first???

Because everyone around you - often and including child's father- many with much more experience of children which will be pointed out a lot - tells you you are being silly for a long long time that you really start to doubt yourself.

I've seen it on here as well - what you worried about they raise your DP/DH to adulthood with nothing bad happening your just being nasty - so you end up looking for ways to comply that keeps your DC safe - as here being nearby and checking up when things felt off.

Once you've had your fears confirm though - it does mean it's easier to resist going forward because you bring it up every time - the lying, the lack of common sense etc.

@sweak no it's not. She breastfeeds her baby. She didn't want to leave the baby for that long, she felt pressured to.
There is no pressure really.
Alarm bells ring when I hear people say the grandparents want the baby "alone".
I just think "why? What do you want to do with the baby that you think I won't be happy about?!"
The baby is so young and doesn't give a fuck about a grandparent. It still only needs a mother

Obviously agree you can never leave her with MIL again but TBH, and I’m really not one to throw the “go NC” suggestion around, I don’t think I’d actually want to have DD around her AT ALL after that, even if I was there the whole time. I’d be wary and feel so completely betrayed that I’d probably not want to bother visiting anymore. I wouldn’t want DH to take her to visit without me either.

Wow this is seriously neglectful! I am surprised your DH and SIL are not fuming with your MIL. Imagine if something had happened as well as the harm to your DD, your DNiece would have had to live with the guilt all her life. No 12yo should be left to look after a tiny baby. This is such a serious lapse of judgement by your MIL, shocking.

Your MIL has proven herself selfish, stupid and irresponsible. As she can’t even behave responsibly with a 12yo, she wouldn’t ever have my child by herself again.

Nope, I'd say this is THAT bad. DH and SIL are bonkers for thinking this isn't an extremely severe incident.

I think you're right to distance yourself and allow time to process what has actually happened. In the grand scheme though, I wouldn't want to leave it too long as ultimately I wouldn't want to completely ruin the relationship. She definitely needs harsh consequences though so that she knows her actions were ridiculous.

I completely agree with the stance of not letting her have the baby alone again though. The trust has gone.

*Because everyone around you - often and including child's father- many with much more experience of children which will be pointed out a lot - tells you you are being silly for a long long time that you really start to doubt yourself.

I've seen it on here as well - what you worried about they raise your DP/DH to adulthood with nothing bad happening your just being nasty - so you end up looking for ways to comply that keeps your DC safe - as here being nearby and checking up when things felt off.*

Agree. It is said constantly yet the mum is usually the one mainly blamed instead of her dp regardless.

WTAF? Left your 5 month old baby in the sole care of a 12yr old?
I feel so sorry for you OP. You didn’t do anything wrong at all. You must have been so shocked.

If I was the 12yr olds mum, I’d be apoplectic with rage at leaving my young daughter to look after someone’s young baby. Babies aren’t dolls, for god’s sake. I can’t believe that the SIL isn’t more vocal unless she’s relying on MIL for babysitting, which I’d be very wary of after this episode.

A grandparent should be more than capable of looking after a young baby safely. I say this as a grandparent to a 6 yr old and a parent to a 10yr old.

However, your MIL clearly isn’t capable of making sensible decisions. Thank goodness you live so far away.

Definitely do not allow this woman to babysit your daughter alone ever because even as a teen, your daughter could find herself looking after a Rottweiler as a favour for a friend.

This is insane. YANBU!!!

Thank goodness you were nearby so you could get straight over there when there was no reply to your calls. MIL is clearly devious and batshit. Your poor DD, and DN totally out of her depth. SIL and DH probably take MIL’s batshittery as normal since they grew up with it, you’re going to have to polish up your mama bear spine to deal with the amount of DARVO that is going to follow. Stay strong. MIL was stupid and demanding and neglectful, you are in the right, never allow yourself to be persuaded otherwise.

They're wrong. That was really bad. Poor niece being put in that position too!

Seven shades of shit in that OP, JFC what have I just read???
I would have gone nuclear too. The woman would no longer exist as far as I was concerned.

Your poor baby being left in the care of clueless strangers! Thank god you had the foresight to stay close by.