To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

Please make contact with your niece and reassure her if you haven't already.

Agree with this. Poor DN must be feeling dreadful and it really isn't her fault.

3 hour drives

I do think you need to give her some slack for that at least. Grief can do terrible things to people including making them not see situations clearly.

Grief makes someone choose to not only lie, but manipulate a situation where three adults believe said person is watching their own child, but then buggers off with friends to see a movie, turning their phone off and leaving a minor in charge of a baby for hours, again without the parents’ knowledge and said minor never having looked after a baby.

Wow.

OMG I often think MIL bashing goes to far on here but as a grandmother and MIL I think she's barking and you are right not to trust her.

Concentrate on making dh understand how serous this could have been. Then stick to your guns.

Some of you are being VERY unkind to the OP here. She had 5 months of almost daily pressure as a new breastfeeding Mother before she 'gave in'. No support from her DH either.

OP, YANBU if you never let your MIL anywhere near your DD until she is 18. Your DH needs to give his head a wobble too and be more supportive of you.

My daughter is 10 months , never again would she be aloud her alone, maybe in her day that was acceptable but times have changed and a 12 year no matter how mature cannot and should not be responsible for a little baby whom she was obviously struggling to care for. SIL reaction says it all rushing round to her her daughter
Why the hell was she so adamant to have you Little one if her intention was to spend time at cinema?? What else does this lady think is acceptable ?? No chanve ever again would she see her alone

Oh I hadn't thought about the niece, poor kid she probably feels awful.

DH and SIL say their mother was very wrong but...

THERE IS NO BUT.

I suggest you make it crystal clear to your DH that if you ever, ever hear one word justifying his mother putting your baby at risk again, then it will absolutely be the last time any of you see her, ever. And if he's not on board with that, then your relationship won't have long to last either.

He's your husband and the father of your baby first and foremost.

If he cannot step up and be 100% behind you right now then that in itself means that you cannot have any relationship AT ALL with your absolutely batshit MIL.

I wouldn't be seeing her or agreeing to any contact for a very very long while. And no, she'd never ever be seeing my child alone, ever.

She's 3hrs away & thought that what-you'd drive 3hrs, drop your baby off & drive back home for another 3hrs only to do it all again another day??!!

Well, I'm glad she was found out.

Also, if SIL didn't know & MIL was uncontactable would your niece still have phoned her mum?

OK, SIL may not have thought that her mum was going out for hours, but why did she think that her daughter was going there & what time was she expecting her home?

Your MIL is obviously not thinking straight - how can anyone think it OK to leave a baby with a 12 year old, no matter how sensible.
I can’t fathom why anyone who pleaded to look after their granddaughter would then decide to go to the cinema with friends. It would be bad enough if she had been left with someone qualified to look after babies, but a 12 year old is just wrong in so many ways.
Having said all that, I wouldn’t be going NC with your MIL. Inconvenient as it may be for you and your OH I’d be making an effort to visit her on her regular basis so that she gets a chance to see your little one in your presence but under no circumstances would I be leaving them alone. As my dad would say ‘she’s cooked her goose in that department’.
Unless she’s learned her lesson she’ll no doubt be begging you to leave her for an hour or so while your there at the first opportunity. Just say no - if she has been so cavalier about your daughters safety whilst she’s asleep, I would imagine she’ll be similarly so about safety when she can move around.

OP I genuinely can't imagine what you were thinking, driving hours to leave your breastfed 5 month old baby with someone because they 'wanted' her, like some kind of entitlement to a possession. OBVIOUSLY your MIL has done a terrible, stupid, selfish, immoral thing, but I'm sorry I think it had the opportunity to happen because you failed to protect your daughter in the first place. I know that it's hard when you're under pressure or unsupported but it's your number one job and nobody else's feelings should matter at all.

I have never heard the likes of this, it is worse than bad. I would have been incandescent with rage to find my DD like that, although would never have agreed to it in the first place (I can see how she wore you down though). Stick to your guns and maybe invite your niece down to help look after her with you present.

She begged to spend the weekend alone with the baby then left a 5 month old baby with a 12 year old while she went to the cinema?!?!?! Lots wrong here. Who looks after her is your decision to make, not hers. How would you know if the 12 year old could cope with a screaming baby and warm up the bottle correctly?! What's next? Leaving it with the next door neighbours son while she popped to the shops, because he needs the child care experience?! I would honestly never let her have the baby again. She is bat shit crazy. You know in your gut how wrong all this was, your job is to protect your child, so never again.

how DD makes her forget the pain etc

At least you now know that this is also bullshit Tulips - so needing her GC's presence to compensate for her bereavement that she fucks off to the cinema & switches her phone off?

Do not get sucked back in.
DH can deal with her from now on.
She is a liar, a manipulator, & she will make your life hell.
There is no longer any requirement to 'people please' your MiL.
She has shown you what she is - believe her.

If the dangerous old bitch starts with the flying monkeys, crack straight back with how social services would have judged her behaviour, & that she has forfeited any trust you can have in her. & must live with the consequence.

My MIL lost her husband not too long ago

Had she fucked off to the cinema and got back to find he wasnt there?

She's a fucking arsehole and deserves to be nowhere near your lovely little bairn.

I remember someone saying about the three dos and whilst I think its unfair on those GPs who are respectful, they're ideal for idiots like you're lumbered with.

Do you love your grandchild?
Do you want a relationship with them?
Do as you're fucking told then.

Some of these replies are ridiculous. 'she failed to protect her daughter' @Mamboitaliano. She trusted her mil. She was let down. It's not her fault.

Posters need to stop telling her she shouldn't have left her baby. She was trying to do a nice thing as her mil just lost her husband

OP you are not overreacting. Totally unacceptable. The worst part being she was uncontactable for your poor niece

I'm very relaxed but that is nuts and your DH needs to stand up for you and back you up. It doesn't have to be a big confrontation but you don't have to be badgered into anything.

I need to work on setting boundaries but honestly after this we won't be going to see her for a very long time and I hope DH won't convince me to forgive MIL.

Tulips - tough love time - WTF is with "I hope DH won't convince me"?
Here is your first boundary.
Set it in stone - he will not be able to, because you will not be changing your mind.

I'm still interested to know how much wearing down there was from Op's husband tbh.

MIL is 3hrs away & calls/texts can be ignored.

Wow. I don't know what there is to say here. She left a 5 month old baby alone with a 12 year old??? Thank god you booked a b&b so close

I wouldn’t have even waited till she got home,
I’d have went dropped DN at SIL’s told her not to answer MIL and went the fuck home with my child n seen how long before the witch phoned with her tail between her legs.

Fuck I think if I’d have waited on her I’d have throttled her. At 12 unless it’s a sibling and for a short contactable time you’re totally not able to care for a baby.. maybe a toddler who can say what’s wrong or be distracted by a silly game/tv/something but not a bf’d baby who’ll be waiting on the lady with the boobs returning rather impatiently.

Get her a tiny tears if she wants to play perfect granny.. she can chuck it under the stairs when she wants to pop out.

Every time he tries to convince you that it’s not that bad read this thread, remember how many other parents agree with you and not him.

I understand about the pressue - it is hard to resists because IME it's not just the MIL it's other family members weighing in.

Maybe have a look at Toxic-Laws see if there are tips there you can use.

There's a lot that could have gone wrong for both baby and the 12 year old - did 12 year old have a plans to deal with fire or more likely choking - and fact no-one knew suggests MIL knew everyone would have doubts.

I'd be telling SIL and your DH that it really was that bad - and I wouldn't trust her unsupervised till your child is much much older - and given situation she put 12 year old in - longer than that.

All the loneliness etc is a red herring - MIL didn't want the baby to be company, she wanted it as a prop for DN to use. Although the plan was crazy, illegal, manipulative and dangerous on several levels she probably genuinely thought she was doing a positive thing for DN in giving her an opportunity to mind a baby - especially if SIL used to babysit at 13, this is the "no car seats in my day" issue all over again - but it just shows that although she thought she was "doing her grandmotherly duty" towards DN she only saw your baby as an object, not a living individual and child too.

YANBU and your DH has drunk the kool aid.