To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

BUT when someone puts so much pressure on you, you eventually start to question if you're wrong in saying no, especially if other people are backing up the person placing the pressure, which u suspect there may have been some of that at play. Dad has as much responsibility as mum to the child's welfare, therefore if he says baby will be fine with mil, why would mum think twice about it? Especially when she's at a point of thinking "maybe I'm wrong for saying no, maybe baby will be OK for a couple of nights"
Everyone makes mistakes, we don't need to keep bashing op with that!!

Yes, this CAN happen, when people don’t have solid boundaries or values. But people who have solid boundaries and values are not capable of being swayed by others to do what they don’t want to/don’t feel is right.

It’s not ‘bashing’ OP to point that out to her, or to try and help her get firmer on her boundaries and self-esteem, so she can avoid this in the future. On the contrary, good levels of self-esteem and strong boundaries will pay off in numerous situations for the rest of her life.

You are not overreacting.

Also - as if leaving a BABY in the care of a MINOR - wasn’t bad enough (which it is) - she left them without a contactable adult!! Her phone was off because she was in the bloody cinema.
Geez OP I’ll hold your coat and build that patio for you!

She is batshit. Cut her out of your lives that’s unbelievable

It's illegal to leave a child under the age of 14 with the responsibility of another child

Really? Where is that legislation?

That doesn't mean that the MiL was totally irresponsible, because she absolutely was.

But please, new mums - never give in to this type of pressure. If you want to leave your baby for a bit, that's fine. But your decision and with someone you trust absolutely.

SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

You are NOT over-reacting.

Frankly, MiL was lucky you didn't punch her in the face, & if SiL & DH are backing her instead of you AND YOUR DEFENCELESS BABY they can get to fuck too.

Your MiL is definitely crazy. Probably with a cluster-B personality disorder - her entitlement is gobsmacking. I knew she was trouble the moment I read about her expecting you to change jobs & move to her town.
As soon as she kicked off about you having the temerity to book into a B&B it was clear you are going to have a world of grief from this woman.

DH & SiL probably minimise as "bad but not too bad" because they have been cowed by her behaviours all their lives, & are now desensitised as to how fucking outrageously awful she is.

You do what is right for you & your baby.
Don't allow anyone else to start blaming YOU for wanting to protect yourself & your child from this intrusive, demanding woman who thinks your baby is her plaything to hand around.
Be wary for an onslaught of "Tulips is too sensitive, Tulips has hurt my feelings, Tulips needs to hand the baby over, Tulips needs to apologise" etc. This event is likely to get flipped, with you re-cast as the villain.
Do you still have an HV or similar (sorry, out of touch with current practice)? - if so, can you relay this sorry tale, & have her opinion adding weight to yours so that DH has a chance of understanding how bloody serious this is?

If DH doesn't start backing you to the absolute hilt from now on, you are going to have to rethink your entire expectation of how family life with a new baby is going to be for you. You need to have serious talk with him, you need to be heard, & you need him to understand how outrageous his mother is.

Yes, this CAN happen, when people don’t have solid boundaries or values. But people who have solid boundaries and values are not capable of being swayed by others to do what they don’t want to/don’t feel is right.

I disagree, I have a very strong set of bounderies, however, my son is as much my dhs as he is mine and if he was absolutely adamant my child would be safe with mil overnight I would trust him, because he is in my mind acting in my sons best interests!

And it doesn't matter how strong your bounderies and values are, if you're getting repeated pressure the average person will eventually buckle.

Wow.

So mil disappeared leaving a 12 year old looking after a 3 month old?

I'd have fucking exploded.

That would take me months to get over it. I'd never leave her alone with the child again, ever. She's blown it.

What a horrible situation OP. All you can take from this is that you are going to have to work on enforcing strong boundaries to protect your DD, this goes for MIL but also your husband as his judgement is clearly skewed from being raised by her. Don't be manipulated by sad faces and faux boohooing, MIL is clearly a nasty piece of work and wasn't above using her supposed grief as an excuse to trample your boundaries. I would only be communicating through your husband when absolutely necessary for the time being.

Fucking hell. I’m speechless at this. What a lunatic. Well at least you know now. No more unsupervised contact. In fact I’d be tempted to say no more contact full stop. She’s deranged.

Apologies, 5 month old not 3.

My view is still the same.

What was the frigging point of all the begging to have DD for a weekend if at the first instance she fcks off to the cinema?!*

Power. Control. Dominance. Insanity.
A demonstration to OP of her 'place' as subservient to MiL's whims.

The 12yo is not capable of caring for a young baby. This is also abusive towards them, as well as negligent to your baby. Not only that, she was completely out of contact, presumably for several hours.

In addition to this, your neices mum did not know that her 12 yo DD would be babysitting your 5 month old baby. If it is that acceptable in their world, it would have been discussed! Your MIL is both demanding and deceitful.

She is not that lonely; she has pals to go to the cinema with, a DD nearby, a 12 yo GDD (generally much better company than a baby!). She obviously wasn't enjoying your baby enough to stay in with her! You could have all visited as a family and provided much more company.

I’m concerned that your DH doesn’t seem to have your back on this.

I think many new mums are anti MIL and ridulously precious about loosening their iron grip to MILs who just want to be involved. It in this case your MIL is a manipulative and irresponsible nutcase and I think you’d be justified in never leaving her with your child again.

This has made my blood run cold. If anything had happened.. it doesn't bear thinking about. I'm so sorry that you felt bullied into this - never give her the opportunity to put you in this position again. I would find this impossible to forgive and can't understand why your DH isn't equally livid.

The 12 year old would be fine (survived well enough) for a short time til SIL or you arrived if it was an emergency that MIL had to attend to. What is crazy is the fact that MIL set this up without consulting parents why would you do that? And why go to cinema!! Next room would have given 12 year old some experience.

Also a 13 year old sibling looking after younger child such as SIL and DH is completely different. 1) the parent made the decision it was acceptable 2) the parents knew the 13 year olds relationship and skills with the sibling 3) the 13 year old had experience watching parents around baby and the needs/comforting strategies.

(I still think 13 is a bit young but SIL watching DH does not compare to this situation!)

I would advise dh you are willing to continue supervised contact because he wants to but unsupervised has never to be mentioned again. The trust is gone and MIL should thank you for be willing to still see her. Tbh if dh was on board I would rather stop contact completely.

I understand why you were worn down to the point that you left the baby. In an emotionally manipulative family with poor boundaries this can happen. Especially if you're exhausted anyway.

One of my worst teenage babysitting experiences was a six month old that wouldn't stop crying for what felt like hours. A neighbour heard, rang the doorbell and showed me what to do. I was 16 but so scared that it stuck in my mind until now. Please make contact with your niece and reassure her if you haven't already.

I hope that you come out of this feeling much stronger and more confident in trusting your gut instinct. Use it to establish kind but really, really firm boundaries.

@CecilyP

In addition to this, your neices mum did not know that her 12 yo DD would be babysitting your 5 month old baby. If it is that acceptable in their world, it would have been discussed! Your MIL is both demanding and deceitful.

She is not that lonely; she has pals to go to the cinema with, a DD nearby, a 12 yo GDD (generally much better company than a baby!). She obviously wasn't enjoying your baby enough to stay in with her! You could have all visited as a family and provided much more company.

Exactly this! 👆

MIL is feeling lonely all the time but buggers off out with her friends when she's meant to be looking after your DD

She's acted in a very manipulative way, please don't cave into this again. Show your DH this thread, he needs to take this seriously and stop minimising it.

Show your DH and sil this thread, then they will know you are definitely not being over the top!

I have always been firmly in the camp of "ffs no do NOT show your thread to the RL eejits you are posting about!" - but in this instance @Crazyoldmaurice I think you are right.

DH - if you are reading this - your mother is a dangerous, selfish, meddling old trout. If you don't now support your wife 100% in how she wants to handle the situation, you are likely to lose her.

SiL - I am sorry you are burdened with such a nasty old trout for a mother. Please team up with your SiL to prevent her from indoctrinating & engangerinig your own children with her controlling toxicity.

Well at least no one can say that you didn't at least try to facilitate MILs requests. She is the one who then chose to fuck it up.

If DH and SIL are thinking it's not that bad, what kind of crazy stuff did their mother do when they were growing up!?

Oh, I hear you @SomeLikeItTepid - this is the tip of a hideous iceberg, reckon.

got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed

I do not understand this. No matter how much she went on.

A breast fed baby FFS.

Where was your DH in all this? All along? from the nagging to the worrying when MIL did not answer the phone to the communication with SIL, his sister!

The whole situation sounds bizarre. I can’t imagine anyone booking a hotel to enable a gp to have a child ‘alone’. Surely what is usual is that you might stay the weekend with grandparents but go out for an evening or lunch while they babysit.

Do not drive your baby around in 4 hour drives just so another adult can have them like a toy. She is not a toy for everyone to have a turn with.

YANBU in your reaction but your boundaries are very off.

You need to learn to act in your Ds’s best interests.