To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

I'd have my dh buried under the patio for saying I was over reacting, honestly it would send me over the edge. Your mil is as cheeky fucking bitch and she'd never see my dd unsupervised again but your dh isn't much better to be honest

@mynameiscalypso we're letting PIL and SIL look after him for an hour this weekend while we're at a meeting 5 mins away (I should add that SIL is in her thirties and a GP too!). That's my absolute limit for now.

You're 'limiting' a fucking GP to an hour???

Give your head a wobble. You're not God

No way was that OK!

My dd is 11 and just no way could she care for a baby. Even holding a baby with people there is a bit of a worry.

I left her for 5 mins with 6yo ds (6!years not 6 months!) and i was unsure about that!

YANBU at all!! Your MIL sounds incredibly selfish. I'd have gone mental. I don't even leave my 12 year old home alone, let alone leave them to take care of a baby!!

Tell your DH to get his act together and see this could have been a really bad situation if you haven't have called and gone round to MILs house.

Tell your MIL to get fucked! She's literally put your most precious thing in danger to go to the cinema!!

It's illegal to leave a child under the age of 14 with the responsibility of another child.

This is because if anything happens, they don't have the maturity, mental, emotional or physical to deal with it.

Your MIL is a nasty, sly, controlling piece of work. She has shown herself unworthy of your trust, and I, personally, would not leave her my child for many, many, years.

You niece is a child who didn't now any better - but your baby is NOT an experimental object for your niece, however capable and gentle, to "learn" on.

"Work experience" my arse!

YANBU at all, OP. I would be absolutely livid in your position. Your MIL left your DD in a potentially dangerous situation, and also beached your trust. There is no excuse for what she did, not to mention it just being weird that she would go out, having insisted on having DD for the whole weekend.

I also feel v sorry for your niece. Even if she was keen to look after your DD, she’s 12 and cannot really understand the implications of looking after such a young baby if things went wrong. Your MIL should definitely not have put your DD in such a situation, and neither should she have left your niece in such a position of responsibility, which at her age she is not equipped to deal with. She probably also feels bad now.

Maybe shouting at your SIL was hasty, but I can understand in the heat of the moment how that might happen. Probably best to apologise to her and explain that you’re not cross with her daughter, just your MIL, and that you overreacted by shouting at SIL.

I think you are absolutely justified in refusing to let MIL have your DD unsupervised, and I would also be annoyed at your DH for not sticking up for you. You need to be on the same page on this, otherwise it’s too easy for your MIL to paint you as the unreasonable party.

Try not to blame yourself too much for leaving DD with MIL. It’s easy for everyone to say ‘you should have trusted your instincts’ now, but it’s always hard to leave your baby for the first time. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a terrible idea to leave them, just that it feels weird the first time and sometimes you have to give yourself a little push to do it. The first time I left my DD for any length of time was with my mum, who is absolutely capable and I trust completely (and has a great relationship with DD), and I was still anxious about it. It went really well, and I’m glad I did it, we had a lovely weekend away.

Wow! Sounds almost unbelievable!!

You are allowed to say no to your MIL and anyone else. It is your JOB to say no when required. Your little baby needs you to stick up for them and keep them safe. You would be pretty justified in never speaking to MIL again I think.

@Cantwaitforsummer2020 You have clearly not met my SIL. She's really shit with babies. And people in general. But thanks for pointing out I'm not God (ironically the meeting we are going to is at a church though)

Your MIL knew it was wrong to begin with otherwise she would've said "Can baby come to my house so 12yo can babysit and I can go to the cinema?" She didn't. She gave you (& your SIL!) a completely different scenario and acts like YOU are the one in the wrong. I would never trust anything she says ever again unless it could be verified by another person.

Agree with PPs, you should never have been put in that situation the first place. A weekend is a really long time for a 5 month old to be in the care of someone else. Obviously it is your MIL and you know her, but if she lives 3hrs away she is practically a stranger to your DD and of course your DD would be upset at being in a new environment with strangers! Your DH should've acted as a buffer to alleviate tensions between you and MIL in the first place so you didn't get pressurised. "No, DM, that's a kind offer but WE'RE not ready to leave DD alone for a weekend. Maybe in a year or so when she's older."

Never, ever let her look after your baby again.

Two of my children have a similar age gap to your DD and her cousin. I would never leave the eldest to watch the youngest, even though the eldest is as sensible a child as you could wish for.

Over my dead body would anyone have taken my bf five month old for a weekend in the first place tbh, but I can see why you felt pressured.

Now you know better. Toughen up and say no. Would also be interested to hear what DH's childhood was like if he thinks this is in any way OK

I think dh and sil have had their outlooks skewed by growing up with this strange woman. I don’t know anyone who would think this was “not very bad” behaviour. If sil knowingly let her 12-year-old babysit alone, then sil is at fault too. Dn is the only innocent one.

As others have said here, dh was wrong to let you be coerced into this. Apart from the risk to dd, youshouldn’t have been hassled into expressing milk for two weeks etc just on a whim for his mother. He should stand up for you and his child.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read, she’s broken your trust so I can’t see how she can ever look after your daughter again. I also feel really sorry for your niece, she is far too young for that level of responsibility. When my little girl was 5 months old my son was 12 and there’s absolutely no way I would have even considered leaving him to look after her and he was around her daily so at least knew a bit about her and her routine. Your DH needs to back you up on this.

I'm equally shocked that she did this and that 1% would think that YABU. I don't know how on earth this could be OK.

She lied to you and endangered your child.

She can fuck directly off.

She is nuts! And so is your DH for not going absolutely postal. There is no way that any 12 year old, no matter how sensible is capable of looking after a 5 month old! I know this because when I was 12, and a very sensible 12 year old, I used to babysit a local womans 3 kids. One day the 8-9m old started vomiting in his sleep while he was on his back and aspirated it. I panicked, I didn't know what to do and luckily the mum was in a neighbours house so I screamed for her but he was in hospital for a while after that.

I left my Dd at that age with mil but I trusted her completely and she offered to help me and I was grateful for the rest! But if she kept asking and pressuring me I'd be wondering why. She sounds selfish, not like she was trying to help and give you a break and then to go out is crazy. I'd be mad if she went out and left her with another adult but a 12 year old!! I think keep your distance, trust your instincts next time and never ever leave your dd with anyone unless its 100% your own choice and you're happy to.

I would have gone absolutely mental and would have no patience with my husband telling me I am overreacting. There is not a chance I would leave a child with her again.

Am usually quite meh,whatever with all the MIL moans on MN but I think this woman sounds absolutely crazy !! Am sure a 12 year old was safe but that is not the point...if you leave your baby with a chosen adult you would not expect baby to be handed to someone else !! Yes I would be bloody furious and it would never happen again!!

I would never let her see the baby again tbh I would go absolutely mad!!!!! what a bitch your babies not safe with her. You shouldn’t of agreed to an over night if you weren’t ready I still haven’t left my 8 month old overnight who is breastfed. don’t be bullied into it if your not ready, your not ready. and you are not over reacting at all you should show your partner this thread

What is the psychology behind so many MILs and DMs insisting on having babies "overnight"? Are they trying to recapture their own child-rearing years? Bloody bonkers.

Allybamma how rude, the OP had huge pressure put upon her.

It's not far fetched to leave a 5month old. I left my 5 month old, breast-fed DS with my mum for 2 days to attend a wedding in Ireland. I pumped to leave plenty milk, she stayed in my house and she was the most wonderful grandmother on the earth, so why wouldn't I? Yes, it was very hard leaving him but it was the wedding of very, very close friends and we wanted to go. I pumped whilst I was there and had a great time. Some of us do manage to leave babies.

Incidentally he's now almost 8 and I've only left him for that amount of time once more since ( best friend's 40th).

Stop with the pearl clutching.

Thank you everyone for your replies. My MIL lost her husband not too long ago and it really affected the whole family.

I was very wrong to agree to leave DD with her, but she was asking every day talking about how lonely she is, how DD makes her forget the pain, etc...

I need to work on setting boundaries but honestly after this we won't be going to see her for a very long time and I hope DH won't convince me to forgive MIL.

DH and SIL say their mother was very wrong but she has issues and they also think the 12 year old is very mature for her age so DD would have been fine. I disagree with this as 12 is WAY too young regardless of maturity. I'll have to show them this thread to make them see how crazy it is. SIL is 13 years older than DH and apparently she used to look after him a lot when their parents were out...

Thank you again for all the responses.