To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

What the fuck.

Not only did she leave the kids alone, she even TURNED HER PHONE OFF to go to the cinema.

What the fuck would that girl had done in an emergency? Sweet Jesus.

Your MIL is a twat.

Absolutely not being unreasonable. The most I'd be comfortable leaving a baby with a 12 year old is if I was in the other room or popped into the garden or something and all she had to do was play with her on the floor. Going to the cinema and turning the phone off wasnt just differing parenting styles it was putting your baby in danger. And I am quite relaxed about a lot of things that other parents perceive as dangers.

Your daughter isn't something that a 12 year old can use to 'practice' on and 'being interested in babies' isn't the same thing as being able to look after them completely alone with no prior experience, without the 12 year old's mothers knowledge.

I'm not sure if I would never speak to her again, as she sounds stupid and crazy rather than nasty and malicious but I would never leave my baby alone with her again, stupid and crazy and children do not mix.

To be honest I do think she was overstepping the mark with the pressure put on you to have alone time with a 5 month old breastfed baby and trying to get you to move closer so if you do re establish a relationship I'd be saying no more talk of babysitting or moving or moaning that she isn't close or you will not see her at all. She clearly didnt actually want alone time anyway did she or she wouldnt have left for for 3 hours or so

I’d be livid, YADNBU. I didn’t leave my son overnight till he was 2, and even now I don’t like leaving him. You need to tell your DH that you are absolutely not overreacting and his DM will have to do a lot to regain your trust, though I would never leave her alone with your baby ever again.

There is something batshit imo about adults that demand parents leave infants, let alone MONTHS-OLD BABIES, with them for any amount of time. In what universe is this acceptable?

If you want to look after a baby, go to the mum's house and offer to look after the baby for an hour or so while mum has a bath/ watches tv in another room etc. Not whisk the baby off for a weekend of "fun"! It's totally crazy!

The next time these idiots tell you that you're over reacting say you'll ask Social Services for their views on the appropriateness of leaving a 12 year old in sole charge of a 5 month old and whether that would constitute child neglect both in respect of the 5 month old and in respect of the 12 year old who, if anything were to happen, would have to live with knowledge that she had injured a baby.

You can't trust her and you have a dh problem, h should be with you and putting his child's safety first, not placating his mum.
Put your foot down no more babysitting.
You need to get assertive though because at 5 months I'd have felt the same and no amount of moaning from a mil would have changed my mind.

Wow. Just wow.
MIL is INSANE!!

I would never see the stupid bitch again or allow her to see your daughter again. I would be on an absolute rampage right now.

I can only hope that your husband has got your back on this one.

i would laugh in the face of anyone who thought they could request time 'alone' with my 5mo. never mind a whole weekend! the woman is unhinged and you and your OH should be standing up to her.

Your husband is a twat.

Your daughter was supposed to be being looked after by an adult who you had albeit reluctantly let have her.

Not a 12yr old child.

It wasn't for MIL to pass her on to anyone one else.

Tbh I think that you should have left & let MIL come home to an empty house.

What if something had happened-would you have been responsible even though you didn't even know that your daughter was being looked after by a 12yr old?

I'd never see MIL again.

Why are your husband & SIL not disgusted by her behaviour?

Your poor baby will have been terrified being left with a total stranger. And to suddenly switch her from breast to bottles will have been tough on her.

Your Mil is obviously batshit and totally irresponsible, but you are the one who needs to be protecting your baby here.

Another here who is usually a bit meh about mil threads.

I would have gone up like a puff of smoke if this had been my child. This is completely unacceptable and dangerous. You simply do not leave a baby in the sole care of another child with no adult around.

I don't blame you for not wanting to speak to her. I think it that situation it would take some time for me to cool down and be able to talk to her again. I'd be ensuring my OH was onside too. The fact that "nothing happened" is not an excuse.

Jesus OP. I'm so sorry for you 😞.

Also, please don't ever feel pressured into anyone making you do anything that you don't feel comfortable with. There is no reason why a baby needs to be staying away from its mother.

WTF??

Your dh and sil need to give their heads a wobble, this is not ok on any level

Holy shit I’d never let her near DD again! That’s so far from ok it’s laughable.

And if your DH doesn’t agree he needs to cut the apron strings to his Mummy and grow a backbone!

YANBU. I genuinely cannot believe that MIL would be so irresponsible, and that SIL and DH don’t think it’s a big deal.

Thank fuck nothing happened. Never ever let people pressure you with your baby OP. I EBF both my babies and no way would I have been ready to leave them at 5 months, nor they me. And never ever let MIL ‘look after’ (ha!) your baby ever again. She’s proved how ‘trustworthy’ she is.

she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town.

This was clue number 1!

The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone',

This is bright flashing neon red flag number 2!!

Why on earth did you agree to leaving your breastfed 5 month old baby with someone for a weekend literally just to please them? it would be different if you had somewhere to go and needed to leave her but there was literally no need for this.

This is awful. It would be so easy for a 12 year old to get frustrated and shake a screaming baby, completely unaware of how dangerous it is - let alone the possibility of accident/illness etc. This is awful to the 12 year old, but unimaginably appalling to the baby. She wouldn’t be seeing my baby again. Your DH is an idiot for not appreciating the seriousness of this.

Tbh OP if my dh thought this was an overreaction I'd be doubting his ability too.
Show him this thread and get him to book parenting classes before you leave your dd with him too.

So now you know. Breathe. ...thank fuck nothing went wrong...
And now there is no need to ever feel pressured to do anything for mil ever again. Including visiting with your dd..
Block them all. Dh can visit them alone.
Do not back down. If dh won't back you he can fuck off.

Oh this has really upset me, such a betrayal of trust

I am so glad that nothing terrible happened and your dd is safe but if your mil can not comprehend why you have reacted how you did then she is not to be trusted

I always think that a major part in maintaining trust if you are privileged enough to be granted the opportunity to care for someone else’s child is not just ensuring they come to no harm but that you demonstrate that you respect the parents wishes. We are not talking about giving the child it’s first taste of chocolate here. This is extreme and even if others feel a 12 yr old is able to care for a baby alone, surely no one reasonable thinks THIS scenario is acceptable??????

Reading your post, I can't even believe that happened. Your MIL is not to be trusted and you are not overreacting one bit to NEVER let her be responsible for your DD again. Honestly this has baffled me that anyone would think this is acceptable.

I think social services would be interested if anyone left a 5 month old in the sole charge of a 12 year old, at night. Mil knew she was being way out of line, or she would have been honest, and told you the plan. She's dishonest, shows terrible judgement, and is completely disrespectful of your rights as a parent. I would never be able to forgive this I don't think.

YANBU YANBU YANBU

😮

Don’t leave her alone with MIL until she’s a teenager!!

Your poor DD, has she been away from you before? I wouldn’t have done that unless in an absolute emergency.

I wouldn't have left a 5 month old with anyone for a weekend other than the other parent.
It is absolutely appalling that she left your baby with a 12 year old. I would be considering going completely no contact about this, she clearly couldn't give a shit about either of her grandchildren's welfare.