To think MIL is crazy and can't be trusted with DD?

[Tulips26]

So MIL always seemed a bit strange, but never thought she would do this.

We have a 5 month old DD and live 3 hours away from her so she's been complaining since DD was born that it's so unfair and why can't I change jobs and move to her town. The last few months she's been asking almost every day to have DD over for a whole weekend 'alone', which is tricky to arrange because we live so far. And I'm also still breastfeeding so haven't been able to leave her more than 3 hours.

I got tired of her asking and asking and finally agreed. I pumped every day for 2 weeks to get enough milk for a weekend and we booked a B&B near Mil's house so we'd be close if she had any problems.

I thought MIL would be ecstatic to get the 'girls' weekend with DD she'd been begging for, but she was furious we'd booked a B&B so close to her house, said we didn't trust her and should have booked somewhere at least 1 hour away.

To be honest I wasn't really comfortable leaving DD alone for that much time with ANYONE, but I felt so pressured to keep the peace.

We dropped her off just before lunchtime on Saturday and had a nice day alone just me and DH. I phoned MIL at 7 to ask how things were going and to say goodnight to DD but her phone went straight to voicemail. Phoned a few more times, no answer and forty minutes later I decided I needed to check everything was fine and went to MIL's house.

I found DD screaming being looked after by MIL's other granddaughter who is 12 (our DD's cousin). MIL is nowhere to be found.

Our niece explains she's been really interested in babies and MIL said she could get work experience looking after DD while MIL went to the cinema!! What the hell??

I was fuming, phoned my SIL shouting but SIL wasn't aware this had happened and was extremely apologetic, picked up her daughter straight away.

MIL finally got home after her movie night with friends and started shouting at us for checking up on DD, saying everything was under control and that our niece was perfectly capable of looking after a baby and we should be encouraging her skills and giving her the experience of looking after a baby herself.

I left in tears and we drove home straight away. MIL keeps calling but I'm refusing to talk to her.

I've told her she can never look after DD without us present again. Not keen on visiting her for a long time either. SIL and DH both say I'm overreacting a little bit and that it was bad, but not that bad!!?!

You are reacting absolutely normally ! I think dp and sil have had this behaviour normalised unfortunately !!

Absolutely fucking mad

Never forgive her.

YANBU.

That is pretty f-ing deceitful. She knowingly and willingly lied to you both, having you think she wanted to spend time with your child and then pops off to the cinema leaving your baby in charge without your knowledge to someone else, a child no less. I’d put dh and my sil on my s**t list if they can’t perceive how bad this is.

No you are DEAD right! That's absolutely out of order, I would be spitting little feathers!

OH.MY.GOD

Just chipping in to agree with you and everyone else. She is batshit and your DH needs to understand how bad this is.

Not only has she let you and your DD down but she has been extremely unfair to your Niece, putting her in that position. If I was you, your DH or your SIL I would be livid and she would need to fully acknowledge how wrong she was before I would go near her again. Most definitely wouldn't be allowing her any sole care of a child ever again.

I agree with al the comments saying this weekend should never have happened in the first place and your MIL behaved disgracefully. Really shockingly. It’s very very weird - the bullying you to leave your little baby, and then on top of that buffering off out. I am definitely not over protective and have regularly left both of my breastfed children with responsible adults for a few hours from about 6 months but absolutely not fir a whole weekend. Or even over night at that age. You poor thing, to have been bullied into this. And where on Earth was your husband? Why did he let you be bullied in this way? Absolutely NOT usual to leave a baby of this age for two days away from its mother

No way I would have left a bfed baby as tbh I was bfeeding to make things as easy as possible for myself.

Am wondering how much did husband pressure you-is that why he doesn't think it was wrong?

My 10 year old loves babies. Im sure she thinks she could look after one. Would I leave her with one? would I fuck, your MIL is nuts and your SIL and DH are not far behind. I would never have anything to do with her again

MIL was wrong all the way through. Demanding to have DD while you’re breastfeeding! Demanding you hand her over and keep your distance!! And then dumping her with a 12-year-old!!! not in an emergency but to go to the cinema!!!!
I’m running out of exclamation marks here, but seriously, OP, I would never leave DD unsupervised with this woman. She has no right to treat you or DD like that.

Glad to see it's 100% YANBU.
What has your DH said about the whole thing? This was last weekend I take it?

You need really clear boundaries in place now. Enlist emotional support of SIL if necessary. Don’t let your judgment be overridden again. I’m so cross on your behalf!

The FUCK???

Your mil is insane. Please, please, listen to your instincts and never leave your daughter with her again. She will try to manipulate you. Please stick to your guns on this.

I can't vote because YWBU to arrange this in the first place.

Oh, fuck no. Just no.

Honestly your mil sounds like a petulant child. A baby is not a toy to be demanded. Does she not care that the baby will be traumatised to be separated from its mother?! She is completely selfish and not thinking of anyone else except her. She is the worst kind of person

Yeah you're being treated rather shittily by you mil, sil and dh. You're not overreacting at all!!

I disagree with pps that say you were wrong to leave a 5month old with your mil for a weekend. My ds had over nights with my parents and in laws at 3 months, he is combi fed, so I have the flexibility to do that.

I completely understand why you gave into the pressure, when someone doesn't let up, it gets so hard to say no, because you start to question yourself and think you saying no is unfair, I totally get why you gave in to her eventually.

She was wrong to kick off about the bnb, to think it's acceptable to leave a 5 month old with a 12 year old, at 12, I'd have had no idea what to do with a baby and by the sounds of it, your niece was just as clueless.

I would tell them all you get their point of view, but as her parent it is your responsibility to ensure she is safe, and your mother in law let you down MASSIVELY.

I hope your niece is okay and understands that this is not her fault, and that you're not angry with her. Horrible position for her to have been put in, too.

I have no idea why MIL went to the cinema when she was so desperate to have the baby to stay. And to be honest, I have no idea why you gave into her in the first place.

OMFG. Firstly, she bullied you into this. It is ok to say no if you feel uncomfortable with any demands like this. You are her mother, you decide, not her. Your DH and SIL are fucking idiots if they think you are overreacting. Your baby is lucky you went over when you did - a 12 year old solely responsible for a 5 month old baby? Like others said, what if there had been an emergency?

That would be the end of the relationship for me, there is no coming back from that. She put your precious baby in danger. She would no longer be seeing me or my child again.

And I think you should show DH and SIL this thread because they are clearly really fucking stupid to not back you up on this.

Why the hell is this a thing - MILs demanding alone time with babies? It’s fking insane. Excuse my language, but it enrages me. A baby isn’t a cake to share out. Disgusting - even if the adult trying to insist on alone time is sane.

But in your case, OP, I’d quite honestly never speak to this woman again. What she did was shocking. Awful, cruel, thoughtless woman. Detestable behaviour.

Yanbu! A 12 yr old is not equipped to deal with babies or young children, the exception would be their own siblings at an older age. She is batshit and had no right to put both the baby and dc12 through that, what if something had went wrong or an accident happened.

My sister did something similar when I was around that age, she left looking after a premature baby with some kind of potential for cot death as she had a breathing monitor on her cot, it was her friends baby. My sister was in the house but took complete hands off approach and left it to me. Baby screamed all night and I was exhausted and obviously out of my depth. I wasn't even interested in babies then.

No idea what she was trying to prove and it was totally unnecessary.

Only baby I got experience from was my own.

Presumably DH understands that has your niece dropped your baby or had your baby fallen ill then you could have ended up being charged with neglect. Although there is no set she does a baby sitter a twelve year old wouldn’t be judged acceptable for a baby.

OP I have to say that you were VU to leave your DD with a stranger as far as she was concerned. Babies are not toys and they should be made to feel safe. Leaving her in a strange environment with someone she hardly knows must have been traumatic for her. Even if your MIL was the sanest, and kindest person, this would not have been the wisest action and I would not be surprised if your DD will exhibit some separation anxiety. Hopefully not but please let her feel comfortable before leaving her alone with other adults.

It's not often there's such a clear response in support of the OP! But, yes WTAF indeed. Utterly, utterly unacceptable. I would be furious.

Kind of reminds me of the time someone asked to hold my 6 month old son at a wedding, so that I could dance. They really pressured me into it (they were close friends of a friend, so not a complete stranger), so I agreed. I kept a close eye though, and almost straight away, they handed him to a stranger, and disappered. Which was worrying for the stranger, as she had no idea whose child it was!

Do not budge on this. She will not change her behaviour. That is utterly negligent and far to much pressure to put on a 12 yo. My DD is 11 and her sister is 5 months. They see each other every day, live together etc and I wouldn’t leave her to watch the baby whilst I had a shower, let alone go to the ducking cinema!

On another note, your DD will be fine but obviously it’s awful seeing them distressed.