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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it is harder to have an only child than more?

294 replies

Rosehip345 · 23/01/2020 21:33

Just that really. Been having a discussion with friends, all with at least one child up to four.
From my experience I think it is harder to have one as they need the constant attention that siblings give each other. Plus the teaching them to share, occupy themselves etc?
Just intrigued to know others thoughts and how many you have?

OP posts:
JosefKeller · 24/01/2020 10:16

We have 4 birthday parties to organise, so in theory, it should cost more.

In practice, whilst I believe that it's very important each child has some new clothes/toys they call their own, they also get A LOT of hand-me-down so we buy a lot less presents than we would for 1 child. Simply because they already have a lot of stuff!
Speaking with friends, works out pretty much the same in total.

We stick with after-school sports and cheaper clubs like scouts, rugby, football clubs instead of joining private ones. I didn't take my babies to private activities either.
NHS dentists are free for kids in this country!

My kids are not deprived at all, but it's all about being organised. Our luxury is holidays, that's where all my money tend to go.

namechangenumber2 · 24/01/2020 10:17

I don't know really. I have two, but with a bit of an age gap. So I didn't have the two very young children/ baby and toddler phase that a lot do. The age gap is enough that they've never really competed against each other.

I know two families that have just the one child. Both children struggled when starting school and realising they'd not always be the one to win, the one who always gets to choose the games etc. One of the mums has said to me before that they wish they'd thought earlier to find a way to teach them about sharing etc, as it hadn't come naturally as it would had there have been siblings. The other mum has never said anything, and I doubt she would as she continued to expect her DS to be number 1 in everything.. Confused. Sad really as it had an impact on him socially in the first couple of years at school. It's slowly got better but he's still known amongst his peers as the boy who isn't nice to play with Sad

anothernewyear · 24/01/2020 10:18

I've not read past the OP as I don't have time a minute. But we have 3 children. Two are now teenagers just 1 year apart. Their little brother is 3 with a 10 and 11 year age gap. I found having 2 together much easier than one on his own.

JosefKeller · 24/01/2020 10:22

Life is only as hard as you make it.
I read this morning that in some houses all towels are washed after every use. Every single time.

I don't change towels after one shower!

How long does changing a bed takes you? 5 minutes would be pushing it. Plonk dirty laundry in machine, hang, fold once dry (I don't iron bedding), that's what...at 5 minutes per bed for the lot, 20-25 minutes for the whole house? Once a week?
I spend more than that on MN Grin

Urkiddingright · 24/01/2020 10:25

I have four and I spend 1:1 time with them all as much as possible. There’s no way it’s harder only having one of them around than having all four, that’s just madness.

FishCanFly · 24/01/2020 10:27

Subsequent children are easier than the first one. An only child it would be the first of everything. Second and third - well, you've been there already.

PattiPrice · 24/01/2020 10:38

Subsequent children are easier than the first one.

It depends on the child. My first is very easy going. My second is....NOT. If I had my second child first, I would not have had a second child.

Quicklittlenamechange · 24/01/2020 10:50

Josef
You are assuming that smaller families are making it harder for themselves by making heavy weather of things.
I dont wash towels after use
Buy too much or waste stuff .
2/3 extra beds to strip is extra work however much you dont mind doing it or however fast you do it Grin

JosefKeller · 24/01/2020 11:11

You are assuming that smaller families are making it harder for themselves by making heavy weather of things.

I am not assuming anything, just pointing out that the work is not necessarily proportional to the number of occupants in the house.

The question is is it harder to have 1 child or more? My reply is, for me, 1 is definitively harder. My life is easier with 4 children than it was, or would be still, with 1.

Including bedsheets that need to change or the necessity for a bigger car. At worst house chores take a bit longer, but maybe being forced to be extra-organised makes me more efficient. So no, not harder at all, just easier.

Spikeyball · 24/01/2020 11:17

JosefKeller is just lucky she has easy kids.

NationMcKinley · 24/01/2020 11:24

I have 3 and I love it. I found having 1 (2 years between each of them) far harder than having 2 or 3. Yes it’s full on and busy but I enjoy that and although they can really squabble they’re pretty good mates too. I like that they have each other.

That said, 2 of my closest friends have 1 child each and they’ve been able to travel more and do more extra curricular activities plus the parents have more of a social life than we do. My house is also the default place for any get togethers as I think they’re not so keen on my tribe in their nice quiet houses Grin. I don’t mind this in the slightest though, no need for a CF thread!

JosefKeller · 24/01/2020 11:25

it's not about easy kids, it's probably more to do with my own attitude.
You stress and worry about feeding your only child, by the time you have 4, it's eat or leave it until you are hungry. And everything is like that.
Definitively easier for me.

Why should it be a negative to find a slightly bigger family much easier?
I wouldn't have 4 kids if I wasn't happy to have them.

NationMcKinley · 24/01/2020 11:25

Oh and I absolutely wouldn’t say that I find it easier as I have “easy kids.” They really aren’t. One has ADHD for starters.......

NationMcKinley · 24/01/2020 11:26

@JosefKeller I agree with you completely

Spikeyball · 24/01/2020 11:36

"it's not about easy kids, it's probably more to do with my own attitude."

If one of the 'additional' children had been a tricky one then having that extra one would have created more work.

Having a ' good' attitude doesn't take away the difficulties of having a child that eg can't be left without an adult in the room. It may be that your 4 are easier to manage than some other people's 1 or 2 but that is largely down to luck.

Mummyshark2018 · 24/01/2020 11:45

I only have one and would say that it is very easy! Never had any problems with sharing, in fact of all her friends she's the most easy going and shares all her things when they come to play- perhaps because she never had to share any other time. Other mums comment on her manners and she is in no way spoilt.

For me one slotted into our lives so easily. She's never had a problem being bored either, but she's very independent. Does lots of clubs, has friends over at least once a week and she goes to theirs. Sees her cousins so I don't think she's lonely. No sacrifice to our careers, holidays etc. Life is easy and satisfying. She has cousins that we holiday with twice a year then have holidays on our own too just the three of us which she loves.

There are a lot of variables at play, child temperament, parental attitude and expectation etc.

5zeds · 24/01/2020 11:47

At worst house chores take a bit longer so for me longer/more work is what “harder” means. I don’t think it’s asking are you “happier”.

Quicklittlenamechange · 24/01/2020 11:49

I just dont understand why you keep putting in examples that can apply whether you have 1 child or 10?

I dont wash towels every day or pander to fussiness either !
So my life is easier than someone who does also.

Quicklittlenamechange · 24/01/2020 11:51

I will make sure to tell my work colleague who has 4 DC that surely its easier than having 2 and watch her reaction Grin

timeforawine · 24/01/2020 11:56

I don't think so, i have one, she's 3.5, easy going, she can play by herself, occupy herself and shares really well. She's in nursery 5 days which will have helped with that.
I have a brother and we NEVER played together, always fought, drove my mum mad.

JosefKeller · 24/01/2020 11:57

At worst house chores take a bit longer so for me longer/more work is what “harder” means. I don’t think it’s asking are you “happier”.

I don't think it's harder, again for me.
It's more the fact that the busier you are, the more efficient you are. You make the whole house more efficient, because you haven't got that much time to waste clearly not working as I am still on MN instead of writing some work Grin

It's being stricter on and getting things done, to free weekends because I can't be in 3 places at once.

Of course in theory, I could have been just as organised and strict about chores when I had only 1 child, of course, but because I didn't need to be, I wasn't.

Bottom line is that I find life so much easier because my "mental load" is much much lighter. In a weird roundabout way, I also have more free time with 4 kids that I had with one! Works for me.

Ski4130 · 24/01/2020 11:57

Err, no, having one child is way easier than having multiple children!

I've got three and when the others are out, and I only have one it's blissfully peaceful! Ours are 15, 13 and 10 and whilst the older two are great with their little sister, they don't all want to do the same things, so the 'playing together to keep each other entertained' theory doesn't really apply here. Even when they were younger, the boys played together yes, but their sister was too young to join in.

More children are definitely more work, it seems odd that anyone would think otherwise. Mind you, I have always said that all three of ours think they're only childen, and act accordingly by moments!

AmbitiouslyFit · 24/01/2020 12:02

I agree because the mental load of keeping a child entertained is harder for me than the physical load of meeting their needs.. if they’re synchronised.

So yes, as a mother of 2 under 2 I agree. But I can see how’s it’s a case by case scenario.

AmbitiouslyFit · 24/01/2020 12:03

Oh yeh also I think Age gap plays a role in this.

Again, bigger age gaps means needs aren’t synchronised so more juggling, hence more mental load and so stressful I assume.

PattiPrice · 24/01/2020 12:05

I will make sure to tell my work colleague who has 4 DC that surely its easier than having 2 and watch her reaction grin

Thus made me laugh.
I think it is largely about attitude.
One friend of mine has five children. They have a big house that mortgage free. They live near family members who help them out daily by driving some of the children to various sports. They have a date night once a week and both sets of grandparents have their children stay over. Grandparents regularly mind the children after school and cook for the whole family. They frequently do the housekeeping while there too.

Both work full time because they find it easier to work than stay at home. Both go to the gym every morning or evening. The mum takes a half day once a week to go shopping for clothes, beauty salon etc.

They do not complain about the work involved in five children but frequently complain their children do not get along or gang up on one another.

They appear happy, usually smile and laugh and go on holidays once a year (taking two cars).

In comparison to my life of two children with its financial worry, no family support, no personal social life, the family with five children have a much easier life.