To think it is harder to have an only child than more?

[Rosehip345]

Just that really. Been having a discussion with friends, all with at least one child up to four.
From my experience I think it is harder to have one as they need the constant attention that siblings give each other. Plus the teaching them to share, occupy themselves etc?
Just intrigued to know others thoughts and how many you have?

Only read first and last page.

I voted YANBU. I have two, with a 6yr gap, and I honestly have been much more confident in my parenting and in my children being ‘basically all right’ since DC2 came along.

But - so much depends on the children (temperament, willingness to occupy themselves, ability to get on with each other), the parent/s (eg my own tendency to neuroticism means I am much more chilled with two than with one because I just have to be!), the available resources (i think I’d love two more, but I wouldn’t have the time to give each of my children 1:1 attention and I wouldn’t be able to afford holidays etc), the priorities (is it more important to get a cup of coffee in peace while the children play together, or is it more important to see the bottom of the laundry basket once in a while?).

I am conscious of how much more housework there has been since DC2 came along, and I am conscious of the times when each child doesn’t get exactly what they need when they need it because I can’t do it all at once (eg when DC2 pisses about at bedtime it means DC1 ends up going to bed later than he really needs to). I am conscious that I get less time ‘off’ each week, especially after quite a gap where I’d started getting used to that post-preschooler lifestyle where DC went to bed and - other than sickness, nightmares, or wet beds - I was ‘off duty’ til morning. But nonetheless I found the move from 1 to 2 really easy, and definitely life feels like it runs more smoothly and I am generally happier and more confident than before.

I agree with you OP. I even find it harder being with one of my children! Find it much easier when we're all together

Well it will depend on the child/children involved.

I have 3 dc. I would say having any 2 is easier than having all 3, and any one is easier than any 2.

There are points when they play nicely together, help each other out and plot together to tidy the kitchen as a surprise.
However that's probably cancelled out by the times you have to mediate in an argument.

Mine are quite wide spaced, my choice entirely. So finding a day out that the oldest isn't too old and doesn't find a bit boring and the youngest is able to access and isn't totally over their head is tricky. For example by the time my youngest enjoyed soft play, my oldest was getting a bit bored by it. For me, my oldest is happy to "look after" the youngest, or come along for the company, which makes it easier, but it has sometimes involved negotiations.

However growing up in my family as the middle one of 3 with similar age gaps I was saying to dh the other day that I cannot remember a single thing that my older sibling did with the youngest only. Despite them having similarish interests-certainly more than with me, they never settled down and did things just them.

Then you've got the time dh is away for a week with work, #1 is stuck to the point of tears on homework, #2 has just started throwing up when #3 comes in having fallen off their bike and looks like they might need stitches.
Yes #3 then takes priority, but you do feel bad for #1, you also need to find someone (who doesn't mind sick) to look after #2 as you can't take them to A&E when they're throwing up.

I don't think it's harder overall with an only child, but there are moment when having more than one helps.

Her reply
"You off your fookin ead love?"

I suppose there is no single answer to this. It depends on your situation, your childrens ages and personality and luck.

I have dd(13) and ds(9). I spend most of my time refereeing or defending myself against accusations that I love / go easier on or spend more time with the other child.

An example would be dinner last night ds doesn't eat cheese sauce and dd doesn't eat tomato sauce so we have pesto which I hate but it's easier than kids that wont eat.

It descended into an arguement because dd was looking "wierd" at ds because apparently he was breathing "too loudly"

It's so pretty and exhausting.

Ds is super social and we have a stream of friends in and out all day. Ds is in his element in the loud and crazy but it drives dd mad as she is quite introverted and has a lot of homework to do so needs a lot of peace and quiet.

With the exception of the avengers they don't like the same movies so no cinema trips or family movie night.

Museums etc.. are the same, dd could spend all day at an art gallery ds is round and out in seconds. Ds loves interactive stuff with workshops but this would be hell for shy dd.

The only time they play together is when they are in trouble and are trying to impress dh and I

In my case 2 is not easier than 1.

Tbh life seems to be mostly a compromise for both of them and I spend a lot of time feeling guilty that they miss out on stuff because it's not suitable for both or worrying that I am not spending enough time with each.

However that said, they have their moments and can be sweet together, they do support each other through bad times and they often surprise me with their generosity to one another so while it's not easy for us 2 is perfect

If they get on, more is easier imo. My 3 are great playmates and quite often I feel like a spare part because they are such a self-contained little set! Not that they don't bicker but it's v minor compared to most siblings I know. If there's only one in the house it's certainly peaceful and the logistics are easier, but I find it much harder work thinking up entertainment! The washing, cooking and homework/music practice/activities side of things, mind you, is unequivocally much harder with 3.

I have 4. I think one would be easy!

I can only say that I find it much easier when my dd's step brother, who is close in age, is with us. They keep each other entertained for hours playing. When it's just us it's harder

I'm glad it works for you Josef but I can't quite follow your logic.

I have one child (by choice), my life is relatively stress free, I never had to 'entertain' or 'play' with him, he's always been very self sufficient; as he was an only it was easier to afford nursery, playschool etc or take him to the crèche at the gym so I could do a work out when he was younger. I could afford camps etc in the holidays, never had to worry about paying for more than one child. Also friends are happy to have one child for a sleepover etc so that DH and I could go out (obviously we would reciprocate). One child is a lot more 'portable' so I could just take him with me for various volunteering or activities that I was involved in.

Never had the issue of getting one off to sleep and then another waking up or just not going to bed. My evenings were my own from 7pm.

I understand that all children are different but the thought of having more than one (the emotional load for one thing) horrifies me .

Ragwort we clearly have very different lifestyles and priorities, I don't recognise any of my own experience with my first born in your description. There's no right or wrong, it's just different.

It's all about choices, and I have made very different ones. It means that my life truly is easier with 4 now.

Agree there's no right or wrong just different. And what Chilli said. My experience of having one was good whilst they were younger, followed by years of problems. Perhaps things have changed, and again there are various factors, but I had friends with more children, maybe just two, and it was a rare thing for them to have mine over to play. We done and went to various places together, and I think one does do more with an only as such. The dynamics are different. Maybe it's just me, but I often had the impression other mums think it's a doddle having an only. Then when it was far too late my 'only' went through a bad patch about being an only. Things are ok now. I come from a larger family and that brings various problems, so it seems one can't win!

I can see being a disorganised unfocused mum of one might be less satisfying than working a bit harder and getting your shit together with four, but the same could be said in reverse, because the driving factor is how focused you are on the job not how many children you have.

Disagree completely. I have two with a close age gap. It was very hard whe ds was a baby and dd was not walking. It is much easier now they are 2 and 3 years old. Dd goes to preschool 4 mornings a week so I now get one on one time with ds and he is thriving as a result. It is always easier when I am with just the one of them however i would not change my family dynamic for anything. I don't however understand why kids need to be entertained, my kids mostly play with each other and I join in when I can. More kids equals more laundry, cooking, cleaning, expense and for me joy!

Swings and Roundabouts I would say.

My two eldest are 22 months apart and the first couple of years were a piece of cake. However once I couldn’t use the double buggy anymore trying to go anywhere became a bit of a nightmare. Ds1 has ADHD (although we didn’t know it at the time) and I had to use reins all the time. Even still I managed to lose him three times. He was like Houdini! Then once they became school aged they became best friends and at 24 and 22 still are. However my friends two are a similar age and have hated each other from birth.

I have a 9 year gap and another ds. He’s like an only child and the toddler years were a piece of cake compared to having two..... but he requires a lot of entertaining which often means Inviting another child and he is much less good at sharing than his brothers were.

I reckon those who say two are easier than one are just jealous of the calmness of only having one, and trick you into having another so you can be stressed out too.

One is easier than two.

On a side note i'm very happy to hear from so many with 1, i'm sometimes made to feel like i should have another, like there's something wrong with wanting just 1.

I can see being a disorganised unfocused mum of one might be less satisfying than working a bit harder and getting your shit together with four,

i don't think you need to go to extremes either, people don't magically change overnight because they have one or 2 more children. It just happens organically. It starts from babies, if you are on your own all day, it's much harder than when the last baby is surrounded by noisy siblings and entertained by them.
It's easier to go on holiday and have all the children in a bedroom together than it is to leave a single one alone.

It's just easier for everything, with bigger size portions.

I've only had one child - and it obviously depends on the individual child and their personality but for me I haven't had any difficulties with just the one.

I have always worked so DS went to nursery the days I was at work and learned to mix with other DC then, we also used to go to various mother and toddler groups. Have always done play dates with other DC when school age.

I think DS is a good mix of independence, always had good imagination to play by himself, but very sociable. I played games with him when he was little but he was also good at occupying himself if I was busy.

We did family holidays, meals out with just the 3 of us, did activities together as a family, last family holiday together age 17 he and DH went out to pub together, played pool etc. His GF joins us now.

Also with one child can afford extra curricular activities and sports, days out etc which may be too expensive with more DC.

Meant to have a lighthearted at the end of my last post. I don't really think parents of multiple children are jealous of those with only one.

But I still think one is easier than two or more.

i'm sometimes made to feel like i should have another, like there's something wrong with wanting just 1

that is one of the absolute benefit of having several, by number 4, you are so used to ignore unwanted opinion and explanation on how wrong you are that you can easily dismiss them without a second thought. You don't know everything and far from it, but others know even less about your own situation!

Damn, forgot to change my name back on the app.

@JosefKeller people find a way to try and guild shame you no matter what. If it's not for having only one, it's for having more than one, the same as breast vs bottle, work or stay at home, organic or non organic, vegan/veg/etc. No matter what we do as parents, we're damned if we do and we're damned if we don't. I'm like you, let it go completely over my head.

*guilt not guild

that is one of the absolute benefit of having several, by number 4, you are so used to ignore unwanted opinion and explanation on how wrong you are that you can easily dismiss them without a second thought. You don't know everything and far from it, but others know even less about your own situation!*

I disagree, I get judged a lot for having for and made to feel bad about it. I get a lot of comments even when out and about. Being a single mum to 4 certainly doesn’t help

We have 1
Known many who had 2 plus and by comparison, ive got it much easier with 1
DD entertains herself, i still get down time, no constant noise or requests, cheaper, we can do more
I go to peoples house with 2 or more and leave a shattered mess, so much noise and action. They always complain they broke with no time for themselves, the arguments between kids, double or triple of everything