WIBU not to attend this wedding reception after all?

[Teensandfuture]

I was invited by a close aquitance (can't really say she's a friend as we've not been socialising for last few years, she moved away to London from up North long while ago, mostly social media contact only as in liking each other updates) to her wedding reception.
The invite is for me only for the evening reception (I'm not officially coupled up so maybe she didn't want to put me in awkward position hence invite for one).
The wedding is on the other side of country, I need a car (train journey would be long and expensive) and overnight stay.
So the present, new dress, travel expenses, hotel would add up to a round sum.
Despite all that I was actually excited about going.

Now I have a friend that lives nearby (same friendship group) that I knew was invited too. We spoke about it briefly before, assumption was she will drive us there, we'll share hotel room and petrol expenses.
The said friend was single at the time so there was no question about the plus one invite, it just wasn't mentioned.

Anyway with the hen do approaching and wedding month later we spoke again about deciding on plans. She said her car is being written off, she'll be buying new one soon but not sure when. She's not sure how we are going to get there, she mentioned this wedding a while ago to the new guy she's seeing, he was on the fence (very early dating stage). She said the relationship is getting better now so she's more confident in asking him to drive as there(Apparently she has a plus one invite ).
I have suggested yes, can she speak to him, explain the situation, maybe he'll be willing to come with us and drive us there.

Today she came back to me and said yes, he's agreed to go and apparently he was asking why am I going alone, don't I have a partner?
I've said to her,:well I only have an invite for one so that's main reason I'm going alone otherwise I could come up with plus one.

While having a chat, it became apparent her invite is different to mine. Her invite is for ceremony and evening reception (plus one) , mine is for evening reception only.

I can't lie I became upset of different invites and on a practical note how will it work? We're travelling together but I'm waiting in the hotel room until they finish with ceremony?

WIBU not to go at all?

Pleased that you are not going. For our wedding, we invited close family and friends, and people who were travelling a long way. Anything else would have felt rude.

For the gift, I find a bottle of champagne does the job.

@KaptenKrusty anyone can do whatever they like, this doesn’t make it right. It’s general social etiquette to send evening invites only to local people. Just because you did otherwise and some people came doesn't make it right. Also it might be your view that the evening is the best part but most people would think the ceremony the most important part followed by the meal with speeches and toasts. How a disco can be the best part to a wedding is beyond me!

There are endless threads on here about people being invited to the evening do only and then feel in an awkward position, I even saw one where DH was invited to whole thing but DW only to the evening.

@Teensandfuture I really think you should check with the bride that your invite isn’t a mistake, it’s very odd to invite you to the hen do and your friend to the whole thing but you just to the evening do without a plus one.

They cannot restrict attendees in a church or registry office.

Sure OP, just go along anyway. It’s a free country so you can just rock up to the church despite the fact the bride doesn’t want you to be there.

Heck, publish the address, we’ll all turn up.

minty

😂

I would not send a gift, most people just want money but you could send a M&S voucher or similar if you wanted to.

Also it might be your view that the evening is the best part but most people would think the ceremony the most important part followed by the meal with speeches and toasts. How a disco can be the best part to a wedding is beyond me!

I agree, but rude people who see their wedding as the be all to end all will often through this out to justify two-tiered invitations, which all too often come with 'Give us money, too!' requests.

The come to the ceremony and then fuck off whilst the top tier guests get fed and watered and then come back to buy watered down drinks, maybe get a sausage roll and listen to our playlist and give us money, too, are just beyond grabby and rude.

No gift needed OP. If you aren't deemed important enough to either the bride or groom to warrant a proper invitation to their wedding day then they have no right to expect a wedding gift from you. Send a congratulations card at the most.

Also if you aren't attending the wedding you can excuse yourself from having to go to the hen do as well.

And don't send a present/money if you aren't going. A card will suffice.

For me....

No full invitation (unless its literally just bride/groom +witnesses).... No present

No full invite... No hen attendance.... Unless it's someone like a colleague getting hitched and inviting her work peeps..

It's. Kind of understood... You wouldn't necessarily invite 30 randomers to the wedding itself....

I remember being taught this by my mum - she was pretty put out when a close relative... A cousin she'd grown up with... Got married and invited none of the family.... He just invited his posh pals /people he was using...

After she was sent the wedding gift list, she showed me a polite way of wishing them well by just a card and not getting mixed up with their rude grabbiness

The WhatsApp hen do chat is alive again, the itinerary is set, discussed and the atmosphere of excitement is present, and it makes me feel awkward.

I did chat to the bride yesterday a bit but didn't have the courage to explain I'm not coming.

I need help with a wording of that text. I don't want my text to sound final as in I'm not coming, more like open to communication /upgrade.

Don’t go looking for an upgrade, it’s a little cheap

“Hey bride, my arrangements for coming to the wedding have had to change and I won’t be able to make it. I’m still really looking forward to spending the hens weekend with you though!”

Sorry OP but it's her wedding and she has chosen to invite you to evening not the full fay. You cannot word a text as open to "communication/upgrade" without being very unreasonable!

Instead say on reflection due to the distance you are unable to make the reception but you wish them a wonderful day & will see her soon. If you want to attend the hen and be gracious

IMO evening invites are for local work colleagues/people you know from a hobby etc. I would never give an evening only invite to someone who would need to travel and stay overnight and I would never accept one in that situation. Glad you're not going!

Say that you’re not sure you will be able to go now as you will have to travel down much earlier than you thought as you and your other friend hadn’t realised you had different invitations.

If she’s not bothered you’ll know how she sees your friendship and you can cancel without feeling guilty.

mummy

How the hell is that very unreasonable?

She either upgrades or don't, so now I'm not supposed to put her in an awkward situation, but it's OK for her to do that to me?

Seriously some people need to understand that what they do has affect on others.

If you haven't read the full thread, there's lots of nuance here.

Skip it. I think if in doubt about about attending someone's wedding celebrations - the couple are not that special to you. To go would be a huge waste of time and money for you.... and a bit disingenuous considering its such an important occasion for them. 💐

Seriously some people need to understand that what they do has affect on others.

It isn’t your job to teach this to a bride about her wedding though. If you go that petty route, you are unlikely to like your consequences.

Don’t be petty.

Bow out kindly, adjust expectations accordingly.

I'm astonished that you would be willing to negotiate with the bride about upgrading your evening invitation, but if you are that desperate to go then definitely just take your friend's plus one ticket and go together. Then there is no need to bring it up with the bride, your friend will get company for the day, you will get to socialise and see your other friends and your friend's new BF won't have to waste a weekend pretending to enjoy a tedious event.

The only "loser" would be the bride, who pointedly decided to invite an unknown random to the full day as a plus one, rather than a friend/acquaintance.

In a way I do admire your balls OP, as most of us on here would take this as a huge snub and say bollocks to her and her wedding. But it seems like you are looking as this more as an opportunity to have a nice weekend and catch up with others, and thus willing to overlook the bride's shocking rudeness.

What if the bride has forgotten who is invited to which part?
OP, could your nearby friend casually give the bride a heads up to see if this changes anything?

There’s no way I’d go all that way for just an evening do

No need to explain yourself to anyone OP. Can you remove yourself from the group chat. No need to have any discussion with the bride. No need to attend the hen do either if it's making you feel awkward but you dont need to justify yourself to anyone.

Gemma
Exactly, I just want to have a nice weekend with a group of people I know.

It's an exotic(to me) location, that I haven't visited before.

It's an opportunity for nice pics for social media (to show a finger to a recent ex as in I'm having fun without him)

So are you using the wedding for a catch up in a location you want to visit?

If thats the case, YABVU.

I really dont mean to sound harsh OP, as it seems you're quite put out over this. Evening invites annoy me too (unless the bride and groom are having a small ceremony).

I'd honestly just graciously take it on the chin and not go. Maybe plan a weekend away another time.