AIBU re: lift giving: will she turn up on Friday or not?

[Whiskeychaser]

Second thread.

Thanks for all the support.

Dreading them coming out od school because I can see my dd getting it in the ear from them, and I'm really feeling for her.

Link to first thread to follow in a minute (when I figure it out).

It’s not the end of January yet, and we already have a contender for MN cheeky fucker of the year!

@Whiskeychaser - I’m sorry this has been so stressful for you and your dd. You have done nothing wrong.

I was the second vote for YABU - I pressed the button while I was scrolling.

I don't think YABU!

@LostInTesco, you can just click YANBU

@AryaStarkWolf
I think you are correct 👍

OP, au contraire to people might imagine re the dog sitting, CF's only care about their agenda.

There is every possibility that she will expect you to still mind the dog..... because you said you would.

I would be prepared for that.

For me her upsetting your DD is so deeply unpleasant.
It really indicates how little she values any of the relationships.

I would definitely be gone at 5pm tomorrow for a bite to eat. This will be an excellent opportunity to show your child, in action, that you will not accept being treated so poorly by anyone.

Another one who thinks your DH is absolutely right.

My view (fwiw) is if CF DD shows up tomorrow, take her without a further word. You have always said you were happy to do it in that case. Don’t let CF’s shocking behaviour change the way you ordinarily do things for people. Keep the high ground!

I would not send any further texts or reminders or engage with her further in any way.

The dog is a little more complicated. I THINK I would even do that, as I had already committed (and if it isn’t a great deal of bother) but I would not agree to do it again ever. But I can see arguments both ways on that one. Again, my instinct would be to keep the high ground. and be the kind person you are who fulfils commitments. Besides, she will prob be uncomfortable and worried enough that she has to ask you to confirm - though, of course your response may very well depend on how she asks and how she behaves between now and March.

Cannot believe what a cf the mom is. Starting to wonder does she actually want the daughter to stop the activity and is using this as an excuse so her dd will blame you rather than her.

I think you’re right to be the way you are OP. She’s a CF.
I agree with you about the dog situation too, it’s a lot of responsibility for someone you’re not getting on with.
Christ, imagine if the dog had some sort of vet needing issue- I bet the CF would make you pay in that circumstance too.

You cannot trust her to not take the piss out of you.

Can anyone summarise? I started on the first thread but got lost and there’s a lot to read through!

Wow, I saw you’re thread last week and thought it was done and dusted. Hope they back off tomorrow

There was a recap by OnTheEdge at the start of this thread

I think I'd be out early tomorrow and have an excuse for the dog.

March is a long time away to have loose ends. Make your excuses and tie it up.

OP you have dealt with this brilliantly. I had a CF try it on recently asking for lifts for her DD but thanks to Mumsnet I was able to say no. I know it might sound like I am talking shite but honestly thanks to threads like this many of us are spotting CFs earlier and avoiding these situations

I actually think you should take the offer of a lift away too:
You’ve been as reasonable as possible and it’s still going to cause conflict.
You don’t really want to continue it.

I feel sorry for your daughters friend but the mum had ample opportunity to appreciate what you do for her.
The girl is not your responsibility, you’ve done as much as you can and now since she’s making things tough for your daughter it needs to stop.

@Whiskeychaser

*I've literally just had a further reply from her simply saying:

“I won't argue, but I can see that we're not going to agree whose (sic) right in this situation”

What the fuck does that even mean??!!

I may just have to hide my phone as I'm not dignifying that with a response”*

This CF is beyond belief- she has zero empathy/ understanding for anyone or anything apart from being only interested in what suits her point of view or family needs*

I’d stop engaging with her tbh as she has skin thicker than a rhino and is completely unable to see anything from your perspective! She’s not even acknowledged how the 2 years of supporting her needs and her daughter has impacted on you, hence why you’ve had to ask for some compromise in the situation.

She is seriously unreasonable

I've read the whole original thread and this one in bits and pieces today. I think you may have the same friend that I had. Note - had. Life is much simpler without her.

Wow she has royally fucked this whole thing up hasn't she? Not your circus OP. Leave her to it and please keep this shiny new backbone of yours, it suits you.

Oh she'll weaponise the dog commitment.

She will wait until the day before / the day itself and ask what time to expect you. Then when you say you're not coming she'll reply.

I'm thinking something along the following lines...

"I am really shocked that after deciding to let down DD you've now also decided to let down an innocent dog too. I knew that you were for some reason angry about this even though you know I have to work and you have time to drive the girls. But I never thought you would take it out on an animal. We now have nobody to look after DDog so thanks for that. I'll explain to DD that not only can we not go to club any more, we can't go on a family weekend away either."

Or something like that. WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE ANIMALS?!

Sorry she's been such a dick OP, especially as you said you hate confrontation.

This has been a really good exercise in sticking to boundaries though, you've done so well!

As an aside, your DD sounds really lovely and I think it's great that you've taken the approach to be the parent and decision maker but explain the thought process to her and take time to explain what might happen next and how to tackle it.

Enjoy your Friday car journeys together chatting away and having a nice time - she is your responsibility. It's not your fault that despite two years of generosity the mum won't sacrifice ten minutes a week to walk to yours.

Well done!

Phew, found you - can't believe we're already 7 pages into this one too

Hope you've managed to head off your migraine @Whiskeychaser

Whiskeychaser good luck, you sound like a lovely person. XX

I completely agree with your OH and have been thinking from the start it sounds like she's jealous that you're a stay at home mum and/or thinks you just do sod all all day so as a sahm with a partner you should be doing all you can for her as she's a single mum and she apparently deserves it more.
I have an old friend who acts this way. Wouldn't lift a finger to do anything for the rest of us or visit us but will be quick to act like we're dreadful people if we struggle to go two hours out of our way to pick her up. Uses her health as an excuse but has ignored others health issues, some of which are arguably considerably worse than her own.
Clearly there is no shortage of these entitled gits to go round.

Someone up thread called the other mum gloriously entitled.

Spot on.

She's so fucking entitled she thinks the world and the OP owe her. She doesn't see the past 2 years as a 'favour' to her; she feels owed what she's had from the OP, and expects it to continue. Why she's being so outrageously ridiculous, queen of the cheeky fuckers.

I'd text her one last time declining to have her dog for her long weekend and agreeing the friendship is at an end due to her inability to understand that she is not only wrong, she's outrageously wrong, and should have been appreciating the long term favour you've been doing it, not demanding more.

I really for you OP. This woman puts me in mind of a ‘friend’ of mine a few years ago that asked to have my DTwins for a play date on a Wednesday 2 weeks on the trot, asked me for money ‘to feed them’ (ok, not going to argue if you are short), wanted them the next week but as they weren’t bothered about going I declined - she then ranted at now she ‘needed the money’ and that I made a commitment. Childminding by stealth? Mental! She also told people I was ‘in breach of contract’. She was amazing value in crazy terms.

Oops., I've just lost an hour reading both threads. I can't believe she is still trying to blame you. I just had to keep reading thinking to myself she'll apologies in a minute, she's got to apologise and agree to walk to yours.
I can't believe it has ended up here. Well done op, good luck tomorrow (hope you manage to sleep tonight!)

OP - I bet in her mind, CF thinks she would never allowed her DD to consider the club she couldn't get her to easily unless she could get a lift from someone, because you said youd take her DD, it's now all your fault and responsibility that her DD does the club, so it's your responsibility to make sure she gets there, as it's all down to you.

She doesn't consider you driving her DD for 2 years as you doing her a favour as if you hadn't said you would in the first place, her DD wouldnt be doing this class. It's become your job in her head.

Dont play games, you've said you'll take the other girl if shes there at 6, so do that.

@QueenofallIsee a play date contract? 🤣 I’ve heard it all now! What is wrong with these people?!

OP I know it’s been said so many times but what it comes down to is that she’s jealous you’re a SAHP and feels you should ‘earn’ that luxury by martyring yourself to others and helping them out as and when THEY decide works for them. I admire your assertiveness 😊