DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

Whether or not he worked hard for that money, you are married and it's meant to be your joint money. Not only his.
Don't let him control you with past things. My dh regularly pays off my credit card which is sometimes up to 3.5k. (Sorry) Often over summer when I've been looking after our dc all summer and taking them places lots plus shopping. He doesn't mind too much. Childcare and housekeeping and interior decorator for 2 months would cost more.
You're a team.

The interest is ridiculous. But, to be fair, whenever I spend anything from my savings account I “pay myself back” as quickly as I can because I don’t like it being below a certain level. It should be a joint decision, not one imposed by one partner.

Sorry op, I'd leave him. I hear your update; he's a good man, he grew up poor, you, like most people, accumulated some debt in your twenties. Honestly though, so fucking what? I'd still leave. Sorry for the language but you are his wife, his equal, his partner. It isn't his money. It's yours, together. Your transport enables you to work, to make more money, but your earning capacity is not the same. What if you have a child which has some additional needs and can't return to work? Will you be expected to put up with his idea of a fair allowance ad infinitum?

Just to add my situation for comparison. My husband is a high earner, I didn't return to work after our 15 month old was born. My older DD is not his. He pays about 85% of his wages straight into my account on payday. I pay the bills, make most decisions. I need a new car this week, so we are going to buy one on Saturday. I will decide what to buy, how much to spend, out of our savings. If we decide to keep savings and get some finance, it'll be paid by him. Car will still be mine. Not because he's a doormat or doesn't 'work hard for his money'. Because we are a family, I have more time to consider decisions about the finances of our family, and everything we own is OURS. I'm pregnant again, safe in the knowledge that our security matters to us both, even DDs, who has the same amount bunged in her savings out of DHs wages as DS. For a happy, secure life, you need someone looking to properly share with you OP.

I have a tiny bit of understanding for the DH. Prior to having kids, DH and I split everything exactly 50/50, including the odd Starbucks. We are both the sort to need to make a spreadsheet about a car loan. I can sympathise with a need to control the numbers.

However - we initially both earned exactly the same, and whenever either of us got a pay rise taking us above the other the excess paid for joint stuff.

We were so used to everything being exactly fair, it took a bit of back and forth before we were both happy with how things would work in a world with maternity leave and part time work. I didn't come off the pill until we had a spreadsheet with a five year budget. I'd advise you to do the same.

My ex partner (who is by the sounds of it LOTS worse than your DH to be fair) played such a good act at that that when I left him because he starting hitting me, most people I told about the split (obviously not mentioning the reason except to close friends) said "oh god how is he, he must be devastated" / "he looks like a broken man" / "he'll never get over it, he worshipped the ground you walked on."

So, so common.

Prior to having kids, DH and I split everything exactly 50/50, including the odd Starbucks

I cant imagine being asked by my H for half the cost of a starbucks.
wow. Just wow

Only read the first post and my response to him would be “fuck right off”

you sound like you have your head screwed on the right way op. well done.

if this marriage is to work, you need to regard yourselves as two sides of the same coin. money earned by one of you is earned by both of you and belongs to both of you. there is no debt or payment between you. you both have equal access to spending power and equal entitlement to whatever luxuries your joint income can reasonably cover according to principles you agree between you.

if this isn't what he wants, better get divorced and find someone who wants an actual partnership before conceiving any kids.

What!!! This is nuts!!

A few yrs ago my hubby got a bonus from work and after paying some bills etc., we had around 10k left. He said what should we do with this? I said transfer it into my savings account. He did, no questions asked. A few months later we needed a new roof and boom, paid for in cash. Just trying to show you how a normal, loving man treats his wife.

It's all about trust in a relationship. He obviously doesn't trust you yet and isn't about to just hand over a huge sum for a new car. That's why he is acting like this. Time to have a serious conversation bc if you don't have trust by now then you never will. And DO NOT have a baby with him!!

Do not have kids with this man. He will expect you to be back at work as soon as the baby is born and then any expenses incurred by being a parent will be yours.

the whole concept of make loans to a husband or wife is the most weird thing i've ever heard. Unless it's a controlling/abusive thing.

OP, this is financial abuse. I know that might be difficult to hear but it really is. Every one of your updates just adds to the picture of an abuser.

I genuinely can’t see how marriages work unless everything is shared.

Married 26 years, at different times in our life one of us has earned more, DH now earns four times my salary with bonus, I do everything at home, Absolutely everything. He’s away during the week working, I brought the kids up, I earned more when we were younger, he never quibbles about a penny I spend on me, or anyone else, he is very generous.

How do you manage the finances in a marriage like ours?

You just pool and share, there isn’t another way. I can’t understand another way. we are a team.

If I needed a new car and the money was there (it would be in a joint account anyway) the car would be bought. End of.

OP - Before you get life trapped with this monster with a baby...Run. For. The. Hills.
God... there are some truly awful, cruel people out there. Not everyone... but the nasties seem to be winning.

Or maybe they were always winning and we just didn't notice?! WTH

OP, this is financial abuse.

Well it's not, actually, is it? They have separate finances so he can do what he likes with his.

I'm glad you've got the ball rolling OP with challenging this, but I still think it's unhealthy that you're thinking of it still as his money / what 'you' can afford.

Obviously you have a joint goal of moving to a bigger house, but it's a joint decision about how much you spend on a car (spending 6k rather than 10k may be sensible if you're saving for a house but that needs to take in to consideration what you need the car to do).

Likewise it's a joint decision on what size house you can afford etc as well.

It's very concerning that he is still seeing it as a loan to be paid back even after you've had this conversation.

I also think it's very sad that he'd rather see you burn through £2k of your money to fix an old banger (which was probably not even safe) than offer to buy you something more suitable. And that you didn't even feel you could ask.

Honestly, he won't change. Think about how much happier you could be with someone who's generous and kind with their money and didn't have all these hang ups. If you're of child bearing age you still have many years to cut your losses with the miser you're married to and find true happiness elsewhere.

Updates are good @Twirlywirlywurly
DH and I have very different attitudes to money and a similar imbalance in earnings to you two. Do do a lot of thinking about what your expectations are before you have dcs.
Also I chose yabu in error.

If he insists on keeping finances separate I definitely wouldn't have kids. You're financially dependant and vunerable when you have kids. What if he's awkward about buying things for baby. Or denies you holidays or takes you but he decides on everything, or is mean because "I paid for it , (with my hard earned money)" eg not allowing you financial liberty. This can be awful on day to day basis.
Does he want to live alone with his megabucks? That's what he needs to decide. Divorce or sharing. Maybe you should be SAHM(wife) for a while to test him. With full access to his (YOUR joint) accounts.

I agree with all of the above. Your “husband” has money issues, I don’t know how anyone could be attracted to a person who is so stingy! I can only imagine that he has other redeeming qualities.
Children really impact finances this should be a huge consideration for you. I wish you the very best

If there was a spreadsheet on what is domestic abuse (financial abuse) it would be this.

OP, my dad grew up very poor, very, poor!
He is the most generous man! He still buys us ‘kids’ things!
Look, your future kids will ask for money for stuff - and debt. He needs to realise this. You’re either a unit or you’re not. You carry and care for your children and he supports you ALL, or you leave.

Who are these people with these knob head husbands?????

I disagree, have his baby then divorce the tight git and see how he likes having half of “his” money go to you.

Fucking hell

@GiveHerHellFromUs seperste finances does not mean it's not financial abuse! So he eats loads more than DH he insists she pays half, he's left with £££££ and she can't afford sanitary wear? I know that OP
has not said this but she's self employed and looking to take maternity leave, which will mean no maternity pay l. He will then controls all the money and will dish it out how he sees fit. So do you think a "D" H that thinks it's appropriate to charge his wife £150 interest on the money she's "borrowed" is going to be fair?

No I don't think so!

It's the early stages of financial abuse and it's going to escalate when OP has a baby and no money and if you think otherwise you're very blinkered indeed!