DH charging me interest on a ‘loan’ he’s giving me?

[Twirlywirlywurly]

On Tuesday my car finally gave up the ghost. It’s been nothing but trouble for the past 18 months now really, it’s cost me 2k in repairs in that time and Tuesday was the 3rd time in 7 months it’s broken down on me when I’m rushing between clients and meetings (I’m self employed)

Between the constant repairs and having just paid my tax return my savings have been depleted.

The AA man said it was pretty much a right off as it’s an expensive repair (clutch and something else) and the mileage is so high on it anyway that it won’t have that much left in it. I cannot be doing with the constant worry about breaking down and letting my client base down.

I said to DH yesterday ‘that’s it, I’m going to get one on a business lease or get a loan from the bank and get something newer and more reliable.’

DH has never had any type of debt (apart from mortgage) his whole life, he’s always ensured (well for his adult working life) that he has at least 18 months of salary in the bank for a rainy day. He turned around and said ‘I’d rather you didn’t. We’re married, it would be my debt too and I won’t have debt.’

I said well what am I supposed to do then as I’ve just depleted the last of my savings paying my tax return and I cannot be without a car (I’m having to hire one for the rest of the week)

I should add, we’ve been together 7 years and married for 2. DH is a ‘high earner’ and earns 3 x my salary and as stated, has HEFTY (think small house worth) savings in the bank at all times. He then turned around and said ‘I’ll have to do you a loan.’

He’s just emailed me a s/sheet with loan repayments on for the sum of money we agreed on last night. However, the amount was £150 over the agreed loan amount. I replied saying okay re the loan amount payments but that it was £150 more. He’s just replied saying ‘Yes, well over the 3 years I’ll have been earning interest on that money so I think it’s only fair.’

Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely grateful to him for lending me the money, but I never ask him for anything. I’m very financially independent (normally) and certainly never ask him for money. I just feel uneasy with him charging his wife interest?

He’s also pushing for us to start trying for a family in the next few months and I’m thinking, well what will happen with the loan then? It’s a 3 year loan, I won’t be able to pay it once on Maternity leave!

AIBU?

Growing up poor NO EXCUSE. I grew up pretty poor so did DH. We are well off not but have never behaved this way.

DO NOT HAVE A CHILD WITH HIM!!!!

Did he accumulate most of his wealth /savings before he met you? If so he probably does not think it is fair to spend all the money he has been hard saving up over the years for things that will not benefit him, he probably had no one to buy a car for him during his life, but You need to tell him that you are married now and what is his is yours, that is what he has signed up for.

How much debt?

He is not someone I would want to remain married to if that is the way he treats you Twirly. I would also recommend not becoming pregnant. I seriously wouldn't have any children with him.

he never lets me forget that I was bad with money throughout my early 20’s and ‘that I incurred debt

OP- listen to what youre saying- he's controlling you. Noone is perfect, we have all made mistakes yet he is throwing that in your face at every opportunity. He is NOT a good person or a good partner. He is absolutely horrible. Its very obvious that money is his first love and you come a lowly second to that. He won't change.

Twirley, I linked to my thread earlier. My husband also grew up very very poor. Even now, even with the threat of divorce, he STILL thinks what’s mine is ours and what’s his is his. He spent tons on the kids for Christmas, mostly IMO on tut that they won’t use and I had no say in it because he was paying.

Much as I adore my children and of course wouldn’t wish them away, FGS don’t have a baby with this man.

he never lets me forget that I was bad with money throughout my early 20’s and ‘that I incurred debt

Mine says this to me all the time. I wasn’t. It simply isn’t true. But I’ve believed it because he had loads of savings and I thought that meant he was “better” with money.

Growing up poor is no excuse. In fact, he especially shouldn't want his equal partner in life to feel 'poor' when he has money to ensure everyone is comfortable.

I've often noticed abusive controlling men put on a persona of amazing husband who is slightly in awe of his partner, and the wife/girlfriend is portrayed as a ball and chain who’s ‘wears the trousers’ in the relationship.

I asked my DP what he’d do in your scenario, he said he’d buy a new family car.

I’m shocked you can’t see the incredibly controlling nature of your H OP.

Maybe do the freedom programme. Before you decide to agree to have children in this relationship.

Glad you got validation here OP.

You seem well switched on now.

I hope it works out for you, and he comes to his senses.

But again I wouldn't be planning a baby just yet.

Too many posts in here about financial control to ignore.

My DH paid off a 2 grand credit card bill because i was just paying the interest only.....rip off. But he never made me pay him back and its ancient history now. You are human and alllowed to screw up occasionally as long as you learn and rectify. Gives him no lifelong entitlement to screw you for INTEREST on an essential car for gods sake!

Oops pressed YABU by accident!!

YDNBU and he sounds like a complete arsehole!

I asked my DP what he’d do in your scenario, he said he’d buy a new family car

I just asked my H and he said the same- he'd buy me (us) a new car because I need it, he has the money, and I cant afford it. Didn't mention anything about paying anything back and certainly not writing out a damn spreadsheet to make a profit from me

Listen, you said one thing in the both barrels update and it’s THE thing that you need to pay attention to:

he’s worked hard for that money

And he will never ever let you forget it.

Backed up by THIS from your latest update:

he never lets me forget that I was bad with money throughout my early 20’s and ‘that I incurred debt’

And he never will.

I would actually recommend marriage guidance so you can explore this aspect of his personality OP but to be frank he’s a miser, and misers will always end up being tight, financially and emotionally.

I just could not share my life with someone who was so resentful and controlling about something so very important.

Thats unbelievable - within our marriage is swings and roundabouts - very mean of him to suggest this.

Tell him you are NOT going to pay him interest.

Is here anyone else (parents?) who could give you the loan?

WOW - what an absolute douche bag!

Your married to him, surely his savings are yours as well?

I'd tell him to stick his loan up his arse.....I would rather pay interest to the bank I think!

Tell this piece of shit to go and fuck himself and start divorce proceedings. What does he think marriage means?

Get a lease car like everyone else does these days. I pay £134 a month for mine.

Are the bills - electricity, gas, etc- in both your names?

the 'you had debt in the past' is a classic financial buse tactic, designed to try to say that you cant be trusted with money so he should be in control of it all.

To be honest you are probably FAR better with money precisely because you HAVE learned that lesson. If you hadnt cleared those debts and were continually adding to them, then he may have a point.

The other aspect is that if you dont have a car then you cannot work. And it isnt as if you are buying a vanity car - so to compare it to him deciding to buy one. I bet x 1000 that if his car conked out he would buy a new one, he wouldnt pay high interest to a loan company when he has cash sitting in his account. and he may or may not pay it back - you only have his word that he would cut back on his normal monthly outgoings in order to replace the money. (and I bet he would buy something more than 6.5K)

W.T.F. His money should be your money. You are married. He has no right to earn interest off his own wife!

You are actually planning to have a baby with this utter twat?

Please God tell me this is not going to happen. Is he planning to give you a loan with interest for costs incurred while you are on maternity leave because being self employed you are not going to get paid for that.

Everyone jokes that ‘i’ wear the trousers in the relationship and in all honesty I do tend to get my own way a lot of the time.

Agree with a PP that this is very common from the outside when a partner is manipulative behind closed doors!

My ex partner (who is by the sounds of it LOTS worse than your DH to be fair) played such a good act at that that when I left him because he starting hitting me, most people I told about the split (obviously not mentioning the reason except to close friends) said "oh god how is he, he must be devastated" / "he looks like a broken man" / "he'll never get over it, he worshipped the ground you walked on."

I kept my dignity and didn't get into slanging matches but just goes to show that many manipulators create a public persona that becomes their "thing" ooh he is under the thumb etc. Because it's an easy way to confuse you when they do dickish things!

Take the bank loan and drive away.
If he's like this now, he's going to not pick about child related expenses even though you're earning zero on maternity leave. I bet he'll suggest that you are a SAHM so that he doesn't have to pay for nursery (assuming that he doesn't make you pay it all) Having a baby with this man would be a disaster. Can you imagine him quibbling over where you bought nappies and formula etc?

I wouldn't be having kids with this man.