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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
OhWellThatsJustGreat · 23/01/2020 00:10

It's a hard one, if feel hurt that he hasn't told me he'd done it so I could be prepared that the situation may arise that chosen would find him.
I think it's try to be supportive of the relationship he wants to build, but I think it's find it hard because it would be a massive shock, especially in the circumstance you've described.

I hope you're ok if this has happened to you.

Isawthathaggis · 23/01/2020 00:17

I think I’d feel quite proud of him.
A close family member of mine had to use a sperm donor, which she found hard. It resulted in the most beautiful loved baby. I will forever feel grateful to the donor.
I have often thought of donating my eggs as a result.

As pp says, I guess it also depends how I found out.

How are you feeling op?

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:32

I'll be honest - I'm the "child". I've known I was a donor child for as long as I can remember and it never bothered or interested me finding my biological father.

The DNA kit was a gift from a family member, and linked me to my paternal "aunty" who'd also done a DNA test. My DC was recently diagnosed with a long term condition so I wants to get some medical history - paternal aunty has unusual name so found her on Facebook, not expecting much back. Next thing I knew my bio father/sperm donor got in touch. After a few messages back and forth and a rather awkward phone call said he'd like to build a relationship - but he has only just told his wife. Long story short - she's not happy and doesn't want him to build a relationship. That's all I've been told. He's thinking about what he needs to do.

I wasn't bothered either way before this, I just wanted medical info - I understand she must be upset but also kind of think it's not her place to have a say on what he does about me? Is that selfish?

Also they have (adult) children together. If that's at all relevant.

OP posts:
CharitySchmarity · 23/01/2020 15:41

I'd be delighted that he had done something so helpful, and interested to meet any "retro-stepchildren" who came forward. It's not all that likely in my case though, because we've been together since he was 21.

PatellarTendonitis · 23/01/2020 15:44

If I weren't married to him I'd split up with him. When I was single and childfree there's no way I'd want to deal with anyone who had baggage like this, or for my own kids to have to deal with half-siblings they knew nothing about because Dad spunked in a cup. Nope. Dealbreaker for me, any guy with kids.

Life is hard enough without complications like this in your life. Set your bar higher.

CakeandCustard28 · 23/01/2020 15:47

I would be furious that he kept it from me if I’m honest. I wouldn’t be happy at all. It does effect his wife’s life, it effects it a great deal.

Underhisi · 23/01/2020 15:58

When he donated I would imagine that he didn't think he would be traceable by any children.

keyboardwarrior1 · 23/01/2020 16:00

He should have told her before they married.

The fact that he did not suggests he entered into the marriage under false pretences.

Grounds for annulment.

Not your responsibility though, OP.

The only mitigation would be if he had donated sperm before changes in the law allowing donor children to trace birth parents. Perhaps it was something he did as a student and never expected to be faced with the consequences. But even then I think he should have mentioned it .

Some people are so obsessed with having a baby that they fail to take into account the consequences for that person and the other people involved.

Underhisi · 23/01/2020 16:03

Since he has adult children it would have when donation was anonymous.

gingerchaos · 23/01/2020 16:22

@keyboardwarrior1 The fact that he did not suggests he entered into the marriage under false pretences. Grounds for annulment

No it's not, these are the grounds for annulment: under 16, intermarriage, already married, polygamous, non consummation due to refusal or incapacity, lack of consent, mental disorder rendering a person unfit to marry, communicable VD, pregnant by somebody else, interim gender recognition certificate, change to gender under the GRA.

Getting a marriage annulled is not that easy these days. Most solicitors recommend unreasonable behaviour causing irretrievable breakdown.

mrsm43s · 23/01/2020 16:22

Honest answer, in that situation, as a wife, I think my first reaction would be to feel quite threatened, and protective of my own children. I think it would be difficult to welcome a stranger with a biological bond to my DH into my family, and I'd be really worried about what the potential impact on my family and my children would be.

That said, I don't have any issues with sperm donation generally, so I'd like to think that I'd come round. It would be a really big thing to come to terms with, though.

PatellarTendonitis · 23/01/2020 16:29

I would also find it unforgivable that someone kept something like that from me. It's selfish and deceitful.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 23/01/2020 16:34

If it was before we met, I don’t think I’d care 🤷🏻‍♀️ If he done it behind my back when we were together that would be a different story.

I am a mother, I know the desire to have a baby well. All he down was enable a women to have the child she craved

As for them having a relationship well again as long as the donating happened before we met I’d get use to it. I get why the grown up child would want to know where they came from, it’s not like I’d be asked to play step mum to an adult child is it now

ILearnedItFromABook · 23/01/2020 16:36

I wouldn't be happy, honestly. I'd worry that it would complicate our lives. If we didn't have children of our own, it would forever change that dynamic, since he would have become a father overnight, and if we already had children together, I'd worry about how this news might affect them.

Ultimately, of course it's a man's own decision whether or not to have a relationship with a newly discovered child, but it's naive to suggest that it has nothing to do with his wife (and her children with him). As a couple, they're partners. She wasn't expecting this, and I wouldn't blame her for feeling resentful or hesitant about potentially changing their lives forever.

MRex · 23/01/2020 16:43

I'd struggle with the deceit. Life is simpler for families and DC when you just have shared DC, that's what we wanted with each other and a donor child would change that. It would be much better than if I found out he'd knowingly had children from a relationship and not been involved with raising them though, that would be very hard to forgive. Regardless of that, we have a DS, so I would want to get to know the children and let my DS get to know them. I would also expect DH to want to get to know them, I can't imagine him knowing they exist and not meeting them. So I suppose I'm the opposite of donor Dad's wife, which is no help to you at all. If you're ok with it, maybe suggest that he just lets a little time pass, to let her get her head around the idea that you exist and question him about why he hadn't discussed the possibility.

Fifi782005 · 23/01/2020 16:49

This makes some interesting reading , as an egg donor I have never thought of having to disclose this if I entered into a new relationship . It’s something I did in my 20s (now in my early 40s) and honestly wouldn’t have crossed my mind as something significant to bring up .....

wink1970 · 23/01/2020 16:53

OP, I can see how the current family would feel threatened. It's not just the relationship, but - sorry to be crass - it's also the potential expense they may be thinking about. You suddenly show up with a poorly child, I know you are not going to do this, but you can imagine how they might be worrying that you are only contacting for financial assistance.

SleepWarrior · 23/01/2020 16:54

I'd have a big problem with it as the wife, although those feelings would be directed toward him and not the child looking for their father.

The most charitable scenario is that it didn't ever occur to him as a relevant thing to mention because he didn't think contact was possible, thus any donations were only donations and not possible children of his. More likely is it was an awkward thing to mention so he just chose to keep it to himself, never considering it might catch up with him.

It's not really her say in terms of what he does, no, but it may just be her trying to hang onto a bit of control over what happens to her family. The odd part is that he told you something negative about his wife rather than portray her generously to you. Something like "this is a tough thing for everyone affected to get their heads around so let's take things very slowly and build up gradually". First he didn't tell her, second he ploughs on at full speed without considering her feelings. Either he has a terrible marriage or he's a bit of a bull in a China shop with other people's feelings. I would tread very carefully to protect your own mental health in this - maybe some counselling would be helpful.

What an emotionally confusing situation to find yourself in though Flowers

holidayhelpp · 23/01/2020 19:16

I’d be furious. I chose a marriage based in the fact he was childless, so I’d feel duped. It would be me or them I’m afraid.
Sorry op.

ragged · 23/01/2020 19:21

I'd be quite astonished. Way too adventurous for my DH to do such a thing (!!)

I thought about being an egg donor. I'd give short shrift to DH if he disapproved. I wouldn't feel obliged to tell a new partner if I had.

4amWitchingHour · 23/01/2020 19:23

I'd absolutely hate it. I'm also a donor child, and the secrecy that there often is around gamete donation enrages me, including people who seek out anonymous donors now.

He should have told her. But she also shouldn't prevent him building a relationship if that's what you both want - although it sounds like you're not sure

HeresMe · 23/01/2020 19:28

I'm amused by people talking about deciet it's not really he had a wank when he was young which helped someone out it went in a tub rather than a tissue, if it's never come up why would he mention it.

He still isn't the dad to the kids, has no responsibility to them, I think the right to know has had dangerous consequences.

Moltenpink · 23/01/2020 19:30

I’d just be so upset that my children had grown up not knowing their siblings, or how many they had.

Most guys in my halls at university donated sperm for cash, I often wonder how they feel about it now. I’m sure they never thought they could be traced (not implying you have done anything wrong op).

WeeSleekitTimerousMoosey · 23/01/2020 19:32

Given my age I'd mostly be annoyed that the anonymity he was promised had not been respected. I knew a few guys who donated back when I was a student and they only did it because it was anonymous. Whether you agree with that or not it was the deal they made and should be respected.

In the real world this won't happen to me as my husband is opposed to gamete donation.

PatellarTendonitis · 23/01/2020 19:32

You find it amusing that someone has created human beings and not told their own spouse about it? Hmm How odd. Really sad that creating entire people is dismissed as 'just wanking'.

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