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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
SanFranBear · 23/01/2020 20:08

I don't think it would be a problem for me, personally. The thing is, sounds like your donors wife does which is the real issue here. I hope you're ok, OP. Do you want the relationship?

MrsPeacockDidIt · 23/01/2020 20:08

All of those who are saying he should have told his wife about having donated sperm, does that also hold true for admitting about every sexual encounter they had ? Donated sperm can turn into a child (although not all of course) but so does sex. Should all one night stands be admitted too, just in case it resulted in a child they didn’t know about ? He didn’t “make a baby” with another woman, he donated some sperm. I have a child as a result of using an egg donor. Did the donor woman make a baby with my husband ? No she didn’t, I did. All this on top of the fact it was anonymous back then.

oblada · 23/01/2020 20:08

Well it's bonkers to me. He hasn't created a child, he's allowed other ppl to do it. I couldn't see that child as 'his' child but otherwise I'm happy to welcome anyone into our lives, as long as not intrusive, like friends etc. That's just me though!

Ponoka7 · 23/01/2020 20:10

There's loads of complications that could arise. The partner may have wanted more children, but the donor blocked it, yet here they are with another child, possibly grandchildren. Or the 'child' could be the sex that the partner didn't have, but wanted. Even worse could be that the couple's only child has died.

It could change inheritance etc. So you've suddenly got to share what you've worked for, with a stranger.

That's without the wider family stuff.

I always thought it wasn't taken seriously enough.

smemorata · 23/01/2020 20:11

I would be upset. I know it might not seem logical but I would hate to find out that my husband's first child wasn't actually his first child.

Lambikinis · 23/01/2020 20:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ali86 · 23/01/2020 20:12

I think the right to know has had dangerous consequences.

This isn't about 'the right to know' though. He donated before that came in and technically the OP doesn't have a 'right to know'. It's just that home DNA testing has overtaken all of that.

oblada · 23/01/2020 20:12

Inheritance wouldn't go to a 'child' made that way unless the person puts them in a will. By the same token anyone can put anyone else in a will!
Don't take any inheritance for granted in the UK. (In France however there are laws about how much MUST go to the children and I'm sure that doesn't include a child via sperm donation)

Wingedserpentfliesbynight · 23/01/2020 20:15

Well, wow. I guess I would get my head around it and support him.
We used a donor, in a time when it’s not anonymous so one day our kids can find their donor - in about 8 years time in fact if they want and we will deal with that as a family.

AllHeart1 · 23/01/2020 20:16

I think the damage to other children is under-estimated here.

I agree that donation doesn’t make someone a father, but I can only imagine it would be damaging to children to find out that they have biological half siblings out there they knew nothing about....

Personally I don’t agree with donation for that reason, but either way I wouldn’t have children with a man who could potentially have biological children out there.

Lipz · 23/01/2020 20:18

It's a shock for the wife of course, she'll be wondering if her eldest is their first born.

It's totally different though, women who used sperm donors did so for good reason. Whatever the reason a man donated, he will have made a family very happy.

Hopefully the wife sees what a good thing he did. He gave your mother a gift. Without his sperm she would not have had you, you are a person and not a wank in a cup as some describe, but maybe he should have told her, I don't know.

I do think that the records should remain private. I don't know alot about donations but having records available means there could be the potential of problems years down the line. There is also a possibility that there is many more children out there.

He probably didn't think that this would result in a whole new family turning up.

Aramox · 23/01/2020 20:19

I’d be interested but not threatened. I’m old and many many men my generation donated sperm anonymously with no thought of being traced, as with closed adoption which was totally normal too. Would be nice if he’d shared it when we married but not a deal breaker. That said I can see that making a relationship with a newly discovered child would be challenging. I hope it works out for you OP.

saraclara · 23/01/2020 20:21

This isn't about 'the right to know' though. He donated before that came in and technically the OP doesn't have a 'right to know'. It's just that home DNA testing has overtaken all of that.

The home DNA thing has opened up a can of worms. I think it's hugely unfair to people who were given the expectation (even guarantee) of anonymity, to now be thrown into this situation.

There was really no need for any young man back then to mention donating sperm. They would have no idea whether ort not their sperm had a) been used at all or b) resulted in a live birth.Remember that IVF was not very succesful back then, and also sperm was being used for research into it more than actually producing a child.

People here are conflating what we know today with what was known back then.

LemonPrism · 23/01/2020 20:33

I would be a little sad that he had a child that was from a different woman but would support the relationship and try to love you because you're part him and it's not like he did the deed with the woman.

P999 · 23/01/2020 20:33

Please get in touch with the human fertilisation and embryoligy authority. They will provide free counselling and manage the whole process for you so that it goes well, if you decide to get in contact. Entirely free. Just Google or pm me. Good luck!

P999 · 23/01/2020 20:33

HFEA. Sorry. Typo. Human fertilisation and embryology authority. Assuming you are uk based?

Dozer · 23/01/2020 20:37

He was wrong not to disclose it to his wife when they were dating. This would be a big deal for many.

His wife is, however, VU to seek to stop him having contact.

At the very least he can give you the medical information you were hoping for.

Evilspiritgin · 23/01/2020 20:37

How does the inheritance thing work in Scotland? How does it work if you can’t disallow a biological child from an inheritance?

Obviously op is a person but the person wanking into a cup probably wasn’t thinking about a baby more than likely thinking of the money they would be receiving, just like any woman donating an egg, they would be thinking of how they are helping another woman to become a mum, they wouldn’t but now knowing what we know they should be thinking a their daughter or son coming and knocking on the door 20 years later

maddiemookins16mum · 23/01/2020 20:45

He donated never realising such (often dangerous) DNA kits and Fakebook/tinternet were you can basically track down anyone if you try hard enough, would ever exist.

P999 · 23/01/2020 20:46

Seriously. Do this properly. With people who are trained to mange these things without creating anymore upset. It's a shock. But it's not unique. And please have respect for all the families concerned so that it doesn't end up being a trauma. These people are very experienced and understand how to manage these things. With mediators. It's a big deal. So please do it properly. Good luck OP.

P999 · 23/01/2020 20:48

HFEA. They are the UK regulators. You'll get the proper advice you need via them.

OVienna · 23/01/2020 20:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BoxedWine · 23/01/2020 20:50

Pissed off that he hadn't told me, although my DH is younger than your bio father presumably is and DNA testing has been a thing throughout his adult life. I can see that it might be different for a man old enough to have done it with an expectation that he might realistically stay anonymous.

OVienna · 23/01/2020 20:52

OP feel free to PM me, if you like.

NeilTheBaby · 23/01/2020 20:53

I'd leave him. It was very important to me to marry someone who hadn't been married to anyone before and who did have any children already. I wouldn't be happy knowing our child had a half sibling in the world.