To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

I'd be pissed off about the secret keeping and would have trust issues after that. I also would worry what the impact would be on the married family. I would however encourage him to share hus medical information with his children if that is the request.

A donor's child perspective www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/stories-51207678/dna-testing-sperm-donor-anonymity-and-me

With the inheritance fears, everyone is only addressing the donor child laying a claim on the estate, which I doubt is likely as this is not the intent of donor children getting in touch, and keeps being pointed out that donor children have no legal claim in that scenario. Fine.

I think the concern is the donor developing a relationship with the donor child and leaving them something in his will which his wife and children may not be happy with. In the way an elderly person may leave a carer or neighbour who mowed her lawn something in the will. The family may disagree and dispute the will for coercion, undue influence or whatever (which may or may not be flimsy). I think that is the concern of people saying they would change the wills, especially if the wife were to pass away and he inherits everything and passes on everything in a 4-way split (including donor child) instead of a 3-way split for children the couple had. There is surely nothing in the law to stop a friend leaving a friend something in their will, if one likens the relationship between the donor and child as a friendship

From your point of view I would stick to the medical info you originally wanted. You know nothing about this man. Your mum did not ever even meet him, never mind have a relationship with him. There is literally no need to get to know him.

I like to think I am non judgemental, certainly in situations where nobody here has meant any harm to anyone else. I assume he was told this would be anonymous all those years ago but seeing as the dna geneology thing has led to this, I think its admirable he is doing the right thing. Maybe his wife will come round to the idea.
So yeah after the initial shock, I would be open to him persuing a relationship and would be welcoming myself.

I wouldn't like it at all if my dad had another daughter who turned up and my dad started behaving like her parent.

But there is so much space in between the two extremes of ‘providing medical info, nothing further’ (or I guess not even that much), and ‘behaving like a parent’. Although I’m sure there is the odd case where (very gradually!) a recognisable parent-child relationship develops between the donor and the adult donor-conceived offspring, this is not what anyone is usually looking for and it’s not what OP is suggesting pursuing.

I'm really torn. I genuinely don't think anyone in this situation is wrong, but the OP does already think that what she and the donor decide carries more weight than what his wife thinks. Which is technically true, but it doesn't bode well. If the donor or OP are looking to pursue a relationship then it's likely to go the way of a parent/child relationship because she is his child. OP has lost her dad and that's a void which makes her vulnerable. There's just a lot here that could harm all concerned.
I do think that he owes the OP medical information and a meeting where she can satisfy her curiosity in seeing where she came from.
But honestly, I think backing away from a relationship is probably the best course of action for them both

I have a (sort of) update.

He messaged me this morning, saying very little about his wife other than "we are still very conflicted about the situation" but that he has decided wants to remain in touch regardless. They have agreed together to tell their children, and allow them to make their own decision about how they feel about it all. He has told his mum and other sisters about me, who he said are very excited and his sisters in particular would like to meet me - it's all a bit scary, and moving quite fast. I did reply saying thank you, I appreciate it's very emotional for everyone and it will be a while before I feel ready to meet anyone but appreciate the effort he's making after the conflict it has brought.

Hope it all works out for you

Hope it goes well

Good luck. I think you’re probably right to take things slowly.

It sounds like she is thinking about the wider family. Try to let go of any resentment towards her and see how it goes.

Hope it goes well!

I'm in touch with some half-siblings. We have a friendly relationship although we aren't close. It can work, we took things very slowly and no one was unduly upset or disrupted.