To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

My general feeling is that (as with adoption) it's fine for the "child" to make a cautious first approach.

But if the parent wants no contact that has to be accepted.

When I was student in the 80s, men could get paid £15 a donation so lots of students did it for extra cash; nobody really thought much about the implications. But it was all anonymous back then and nobody had any idea that these ancestry websites would potentially remove that anonymity.
So if it were my husband who was a donor, I'd just go with the flow and accept whatever he wanted to do. I really would not be cross or upset.

Just to reiterate that a child born of donor sperm through a clinic has zero legal claim on the donor's estate.

The donor has no legal obligations and there is no chance of children being able to pursue through the courts.

I would be gutted that the bond I had with my dh through having children had been tainted in that he also had that with someone else, that my children had half sibling(s) that had nothing to do with me.
However I would get over it as its not his childs fault, there is no fault and would encourage a relationship between our family and theirs.

OP, did you call HFEA?

This today on dna testing and anonymity

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/stories-51207678/dna-testing-sperm-donor-anonymity-and-me

I suggest asking advice of social worker dealing with adoption and donor tracing.

I traced my kids Sperm donor and we all have a very good relationship. But he was 1. Unmarried when we met and 2. Open with his wife to be about sperm donation 3. Didn’t have other kids. He is also very thoughtful so was aware At the back of his mind of the possibility of contact even before I traced him.

Hope they were helpful if you did. You sound sensible. The thread here demonstrates, i think, that there is no right or wrong reaction from wife. It ranges from the 'I wouldn't give a shit/ I'd be proud' to 'I'd divorce him on the spot'. Actually, truth is probably you don't really know unless it happens to you. It's not about moralizing or judging her reaction. Shes allowed to feel whatever she feels. But a slow pace approach, managed so everyone is comfortable, is best approach for all the families. Hope it goes well for you all

Honestly, I think it's pretty immoral for children to be tracing the sperm donors who were promised anonymity at the point of donation, and I think it's even more immoral if it's the mothers who are doing/encouraging it. If I were the sperm donor, I might have some curiosity, but I think I would still refuse the contact.

However, as the wife of a sperm donor, I honestly wouldn't think it had anything to do with me, or had any impact on my relationship with him. I wouldn't even necessarily have expected him to have told me beforehand. And it would be up to him whether he wanted any initial or ongoing contact with the children.

Also I don’t think the HfEA will be much help if you contact them (judging from my own bureaucratic interactions with them). They have no experience of this yet as the first cohorts of hfea facilitsted contact is still a few years away.

I sent you a PM OP.

I’m infertile so I’ve quite mixed feelings. On the one hand I’d be glad my husbands dna was being continued because I can’t do that but I’d feel sad too precisely because I can never give him a child

OP this is a very difficult situation. I listened to this podcast on the daddy issue from Jordan waller who was conceived by sperm donation and also plans to become a special donor himself. He recently met his sperm donor after he lifted anonymity. It might be interesting to listen too

podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/jordan-waller/id1474047097?i=1000446155252

Sperm donor!!

@bridgetreilly I disagree as would our donor. But then I think the sperm donation as it’s practiced is morally questionavle.

it’s always worth bearing in mind that the parents Had the deal with the bank/doctor - not the resultant offspring. There’s no way the OP should be bound by the life altering decision of her parents!

Furthermore research in the US shows that many donors are open to contact - but until very recently open ID donors weren’t even an option. Donors didn’t have a choice to express they were willing to be known.

Not true about HFEA. They did a lot of work in this area and established a support and intermediary service a few years ago. Cheese, maybe you had dealings with them a long time ago?

I wouldn’t be happy. We have our children and I don’t want any more in mine or my children’s life. The same reason why if I was ever single and looking again I wouldn’t be interested in a man with children.

Yes.
My dealings may be out of date. I was given incorrect (would have terrified me if I hadn’t had the wit to double check) information.

If they have now established good networks excellent.

I'm not sure it would matter to me to be honest. If it happened before he met me it's not really any of my business. If he hadn't told me I wouldn't really read anything into it. It probably wasnt that important to him at the time. Young people do all sorts of stuff and don't always think of the future implications of what they are doing and I doubt they tell their partners everything they did when young. I would be annoyed if he had a relationship with someone and got so wine pregnant and knew he had a child somewhere he hadn't told me about but sperm donation isn't the same thing in my opinion .
I hope you ar OK OP. I would just leave tbings as they stand and maybe in time he will want to get in touch again.
I hope the people who are your real parents ie those who brought you up are supportive.

@P999 haven't called them yet, at a hospital appointment today with DC so will do next week, thank you again for the advice!

@bridgetreilly can I ask what you think is immoral about it? I didn't ask to be born via a donor and i needed medical information (which turned out to be extremely helpful) - why is it immoral to want to find that out? My mum had no clue about it until a few days ago so certainly didn't encourage it

That's not to say any donor child has a "right" to a relationship with their biological father but they should be able to at the very least find out information for medical purposes

Of course. Why can’t you seek that information from the medical clinic?

All of those who are saying he should have told his wife about having donated sperm, does that also hold true for admitting about every sexual encounter they had ? Donated sperm can turn into a child (although not all of course) but so does sex. Should all one night stands be admitted too, just in case it resulted in a child they didn’t know about ? He didn’t “make a baby” with another woman, he donated some sperm. I have a child as a result of using an egg donor. Did the donor woman make a baby with my husband ? No she didn’t, I did. All this on top of the fact it was anonymous back then.

I don’t think that donating sperm with the intention of assisting a pregnancy is the same as having a one night stand and unknowingly fathering a child. I wouldn’t see that as deception on the same scale as having been a sperm donor and not telling me.

Op: I’m trying to remember the name of a US tv programme featuring a donor called Ben who agreed to meet two of his offspring on camera. The programme was facilitated by the DSR. That opened the floodgates (other parents had permission / could see he was approachable not crazy etc) and he ended up with a spreadsheet of 70 kids. His fiancé was terrified and resistant and holding back and she did not come accross well. She tried to be generous but she could not be - too many people in the marriage I think. And younger children also come with mothers. It was hard not to feel for the mother and the children. I’ll try and remember the name but it’s on the DSR under the video section

To add: from what I understand wives putting a stop to donor contact is quite common (fear of intrusion into the marriage). It takes a generous person to be open To this - generosity and probably time...

I guess back in the day when they were donating, because it was anonymous they weren’t given counselling like they are now. Also no-one could predict that in the future sites such as Ancestry DNA, etc would exist. My son was conceived by using an egg donor and I am so grateful to the lovely lady who did such an amazing thing for someone she doesn’t even know. I know that she had to have counselling before she was accepted to donate her eggs where they have to consider the implication of a future child turning up on her (future) family.

I do think it’s a good thing that donor conceived children can get in touch with their donors if they so wish but I am genuinely surprised at how many women would leave their husbands over such a thing. Their husband would have given a couple/person a gift that they were unable to have naturally due to illness, cancer treatment, age, etc. I hope this doesn’t come across as goady but I wonder if they were in the predicament where they were unable to conceive a child would they consider using a donor themselves or would they just accept that they would be childless? Is it because it wasn’t mentioned to them or is it because they have another child with their dna that would be the dealbreaker for them?

@clappyflappy sadly donors are under no obligation to update their medical information and from what I’ve seen clinics are resistant and often actively obstructing in facilitating communication or any kind of contact

If your biological father decides not to provide you with information or have contact, that’s solely down to him. Not his wife. She has her feelings and thoughts, no doubt affected by his lying to her by omission, but it’s him making the decision. It’s all on him.

A biological parent who gave eggs or sperm who, if an adult DC later wants contact rejects this is acting very unethically IMO.

Also to add: I think the problem with SpermCast
Donation is that ore 15 years ago there waS no cap on numbers in the UK and the wife probably has the wit to realise that it might not just be one person asking for contact but potentially several hundred. Unlikely but theoretically possible. That’s why there should be a cap on donor numbers I think - Far tighter than the existing ten families

@cheeseparcels If donated through official channel, sperm can only be used for up to 10 couples In the uk. Of course unofficially who knows??

Official channels in the UK also enable ppl conceived from the same sperm to contact each other after age 18