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Original poster

To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

463 replies

HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 00:03

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

OP posts:
BercowsFlyingFlamingo · 23/01/2020 20:53

How are you feeling about everything OP? You must be a mixture of emotions right now. I know I would be. Your main concern is obviously your child and you'd like medical information. That's perfectly understandable as that information could help your child.
It must feel very strange to be in contact with someone who you are biologically related to but had no involvement in your conception or childhood. I'm not sure how I'd feel and am trying to imagine. Apprehensive, unsettled, confused, curious, wanting to find out more about him and his life perhaps. I'd want to know about his dc and the other relatives. But at the same tome I'd be worried that I have no "right" to that information. I'd feel like I was whole but but now there are pieces missing and I do t know if I'll be allowed access to those pieces to complete my sense of who I am and where I came from.
If I was the wife, I'd be shocked, but I'd hope that I'd support my dh as he'd be in shock too. I'd help him by being there to listen to his feelings and thoughts and help him decide what he wants to do. I'd be curious about you and want to meet you and your dc. I'd like to think I'd welcome you.
He donated sperm when he was young and probably gave it little thought as it was all anonymous. Things are different now and you've found him. If he decides he doesn't want a relationship then all you can do is respect his wishes. If that's the case I hope you get the medical information though.

Thanks for you as it's a difficult and emotional situation. I hope everything turns out for the best.

Seaandsand83 · 23/01/2020 20:56

I really wouldn't mind. If you're confident and happy in your marriage, why would finding out your husband is suddenly a father to a grown up lady so terrible. A shock yes, a terrible one? No. Its not like he now needs to pay child maintenance and have her over every other weekend.

maddiemookins16mum · 23/01/2020 20:58

Surely those saying they’d leave their partners are also saying they only wanted to marry virgins. Any number of men could have kids out there somewhere from one night stands and flings where the mother wasn’t interested in even telling the bloke she’d got pregnant.

Barbararara · 23/01/2020 21:00

I’d probably feel a bit threatened if I’m honest, but I’d respect him for wanting to build a relationship with you. I’d definitely struggle to understand or respect him if he didn’t, so I wouldn’t want to prevent that. You’d be very welcome in my home and I’d want my dc to meet and get to know their half sibling.
I’d probably feel a bit left out though, and might struggle with things like how much you resemble him/my dc.

I can imagine several ways this would play out with my in-laws and I’m getting a headache thinking about it!

I don’t really understand the deceit reaction, although I’m pretty sure dh would have mentioned something like this. Back in the 90s the implications of donating sperm weren’t as obvious, or at least not in the cultural mainstream. If he was donating now I’d have more to say about it.

P999 · 23/01/2020 21:01

Ignore the hysteria on this thread OP. The wife is entitled to feel shock. I can't stress how much you should do this properly with people who are very experienced and trained in handling these things. For everyone's sakes. And the law has changed in the UK over anonymity. Please do your research and call the HFEA before anymore contact. My very strong advice.

MoltoAgitato · 23/01/2020 21:03

Also, bear in mind if you’ve contacted him with a potential health issue, his wife may be dealing with the idea that her children may be carriers for a genetic condition.

To be honest I am hugely sympathetic to the wife here. I hate the way people are trivialising creating a child here. Why else did he donate if not with the aim of creating a child? And in this day and age, anonymity is no longer.

hopefulhalf · 23/01/2020 21:03

Wow at medical school loads of the lads donated (£30 a pop I think). It was seen as kind of an altruristic act. One guy in my year was told he couldn't do it anymore because there had been 20 sucessful pregnacies from his sperm. I've often wondered if he has been traced. I thought it was pretty unfair on these men when the rules changed (early noughties?)

OneForMeToo · 23/01/2020 21:07

Big difference between a unknown pregnancy from a one night stand to donating sperm to a sperm bank. One your activity trying to create life by placing it in the hands of medical professionals the other is more like drunken sex.

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 21:13

Thanks everyone...a mixed bag then!

I've left the ball in his court. Like I say I was never bothered but I'd be lying if I said my curiosity wasn't hugely peaked. I've spoken to a lot of people in the donor community - a lot of them really hang on to the idea of a "real dad", whereas I don't see him as that. But I can't say it doesn't hurt to feel rejected like this. I really did just want medical information, his delight at me "finding" him took me by surprise

Speaking to people in my situation has also made me see that the majority of meet ups end in disappointment too, so there's that to consider.

I'm also a donor child, and the secrecy that there often is around gamete donation enrages me

In fairness, donor recipients (at least when I was conceived in the late 70's) were told to never tell children the truth, obviously not foreseeing DNA tests. My mum was always truthful with me though. When you look into it it's shocking the malpractice that has gone on around medical management of sperm donation

OP posts:
Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 21:22

Do you want the relationship?

I honestly don't know. I was fine before, but the contact with him made me happy.

I promise this isn't a drip feed...or at least not a conscious one...my dad (the man who raised me) died 6 years ago. And he did most of the raising, i was everything to him and him to me. I'm still grieving. If he was here he'd be supportive of this.

I'm sure a psychologist would have a field day with me!

OP posts:
OVienna · 23/01/2020 21:24

hopefulhalf
Your friend will definitely be found by at least one of these children, the way things are going with the popularity of the tests. He doesn't even have to do it himself - if a cousin does it, it can be through that. I hope if he has a partner, he has brought this up.

Dani Shapiro - Inheritance. Very good read in this topic

Original poster
HaleyJamesScott · 23/01/2020 21:26

Thank you @P999 I will look that up

OP posts:
DobbyLovesSocks · 23/01/2020 21:37

Unless your other half was a virgin when you met there is a very real chance he may have fathered a child and not be aware.
My FIL got a phone call years ago from someone who thought he was their father. Turned out not to be but could have been

BoxedWine · 23/01/2020 21:42

There is, but it's entirely possible for someone to have always used contraception previously and done what they could to prevent conception. This is different from a person doing what they can to facilitate it, which is what sperm donation is.

JustOneMoreStep · 23/01/2020 21:44

To be honest, if a potential child child turned up on my doorstep I would be shocked and probably not all that welcoming. However, if as you have explained, contact was made incidentally online and he spoke to me about it I would be really proud of him. The man I love has a past, as do I and neither us know every little thing the other has done during that past. He is the kindest most loving generous person I have ever met and I would view his donation as having been giving the gift of a child to someone who otherwise couldn't conceive - a heroic act. Of course I would be devastated if he had actively deceived me, but donation was a perfectly normal money making method amongst students and to be honest I've never thought to ask him if he did.....(I will now), and I won't hold the actions of his past against him- he had a life before me, and I have made him promise that should I die first, he will have a life after me too, and he has asked the same of me.

CloudPop · 23/01/2020 21:52

Never mind all that, OP, gosh what a lot to get your head round. Prioritise yourself in all of this.

Catsrus · 23/01/2020 21:52

I'm of that generation - when my male friends were given guarantees of anonymity (plus the cash) in return for doing this "good thing" for someone else.

my exH didn't donate sperm - but he'd been sexually active before he met me, its entirely possible he had another child out there somewhere, it's entirely possible ANY sexually active male has an unknown child out there somewhere. Naive to think otherwise. Good luck in navigating the complexities of this OP/

ScrambledEggsOnToast1 · 23/01/2020 21:59

I'd be annoyed and not at all happy about the situation. I've actually discussed this with my husband recently as my friend who left her husband for a woman is now trying to have a baby. My husband finds the whole thing bizarre thankfully and doesn't have any other children I don't know about!

It's a lot for a wife to find out about especially if you'd been married years with your own children. I mean would you not think to mention it? Her saying she doesn't want him to get to know you, well I can see where she's coming from.

ferrier · 23/01/2020 22:09

I'm astonished by these responses. It wouldn't bother me at all if it happened before my relationship. I'd consider it a good way of making a bit of money and/or a noble thing to do. And I'd welcome any adult children.

SandyY2K · 23/01/2020 22:10

@HeresMe

contracts about anominity have been broken

No they haven't.
The fertility clinics have not broken contracts.

Advances in DNA technology and social platforms have made it possible to trace and find and relatives.

Long lost family use it to find biological and birth parents of adoptees.

GloriaMaximus · 23/01/2020 22:13

At this moment I'd be grateful that my secondary infertility (his first) isn't a serious problem..

More to the point I'd be hurt it hasn't come up but I would support him though making relationships. Although I'd want an independent dna test done too.

Clymene · 23/01/2020 22:31

But the OP isn't trying to start a relationship with him - she just wants genetic info. And it's not her problem that he didn't tell his wife. That's his issue.

Gogolego · 23/01/2020 22:59

I'd like to think I'd be ok with it. After all everyone has a past and this is his/ skeleton in his closet most of us have one somewhere.

So long as he told me whilst I was sitting down and handed me a strong gin straight after.

At the end of the day I think these things happen to test relationships and it a how we deal with them that makes the couple stronger and love each other more

Mirandaqueenbee · 23/01/2020 23:01

Wouldn't be happy to be honest

firesong · 23/01/2020 23:07

I understand she feels a bit threatened perhaps... but I cannot see how anything good could come by refusing to "allow" her husband a relationship with his child, if he wants that. He probably did it for some extra money and never thought he would be traced.