To ask how you’d react if you found out your OH was once a sperm donor?

[HaleyJamesScott]

How would you feel if you found out your OH was a sperm donor at Uni? How about if some of his “children” found him after using Ancestry DNA and he thinks he wants relationships with them and their children?

I'd be proud.

I’d feel proud. It’s not deceit to do a decent thing before even meeting your future partner. It’s a wonderful thing to do

I have children who were conceived with donor sperm. I have always explained to them that it was anonymous donation as (at the time) only anonymous donor sperm was allowed. It had not occurred to me that they could potentially trace the donor via ancestry dna type services. So Im glad I read your post OP

Did he donate properly, through a sperm bank? Then some of the comments here about how irresponsible he is etc. seem a bit overwrought.

Its no wonder sperm donation rates are way down. No possibility of anonymity anymore. The possibility of laws being further changed. Young men who apply having to onerously prove their fitness and their fitness of their family going back 3-4 generations, with most proving ineligible. No payment beyond compensation for basic expenses.

Regarding the above post, i think it’s excellent that the rules around “donating” the components of human life are being tightly controlled.

Of course any sexually active man could have fathered a child, but that's a completely different thing to a man donating sperm. The latter is done with the specific intent of procreating, rather than being (presumably) protected sex between two people who weren't trying to conceive.

My boyfriend could theoretically have fathered a child with a woman who never told him - that's a risk, sure, just not a very likely one. If he had donated sperm it would be a completely different level of risk, one that I and a lot of other posters would want to know about before making a long term commitment like marriage and children. I wouldn't want my children to have to share their father with a stranger.

OP This reminds me a lot of the brilliant old Mike Leigh film Secrets & Lies if you have never seen it you should.

You do need to find great compassion for the wife. She is not the wicked stepmum here. She has been wronged by your father's secrecy and now the surprise of you. Why wouldn't he mention during their marriage he was a donor,? He chose to do it, to keep it silent, and now is considering a relationship with you. His wife is robbed of all choice.

Then they tore up the donation contract which is so wrong someone should have taken them to EU court for that so anonymous isn't anymore, and he didn't get a vote on that. He's also helped countless families too so his 'karma' isn't all bad but his wife now has to deal with his secrecy, the shock of a new adult child/ family, and the real terror that more, perhaps many more children might turn up and frankly have claim over something they built.. and on him.

I agree with a poster here that his secrecy + reaction to you is suspicious. This could get very nasty quickly given what's at stake.

The way I see it everyone is a victim on some level here. I cannot imagine the sense of shock and confusion for you, your father, and very much for his wife too..

@iwunderwhy OP has traced her father through an ancestry kit and Facebook, nothing to do with the rules on anonymity being changed after the fact.

Honestly, if I was the wife in this situation, the marriage would be finished on the spot. I’ve built my life on the expectation and desire of being childfree, such a discovery would shatter that. Even if the donation was done in the days of anonymity - I wouldn’t want to be involved with someone who would be so carelessly willing to procreate, as after all, they knew the aim of their donation was to produce a baby.

While she's right to be upset he didn't tell her, she shouldn't stand between your relationship. She's likely reacting before processing it all. Hopefully she steps back and supports any relationship.

I would hope for honesty so as long as it wasn't a hidden secret I'd be thrilled. If it was a secret finally revealed to me I'd be upset with dp but support him meeting any children, and grandchildren etc.

Guys I know who did this 35 years ago whilst at uni did it for a bit of cash. There was no real thought about the longer / bigger picture as it was all anonymous and I just don't think we were as socially thoughtful or aware back then. It really was along the lines of "had a wank into a jar whilst reading a porno mag and then went for a beer. Same time next week...."

I would be disappointed he donated sperm and worried about your contact, how it will impact our family and what it means for the future. My personal beliefs do not support any artificial attempt to concieve children.

I genuinely wouldn't give a shit. It's not like he had concealed having a child. It's just sperm that one day, somewhere, resulted in a baby for a stranger.

If you are married to a doctor or science graduate who was at University in the 90's I think there is a fair chance he did it. It really was quite common.

As a mother, step sister, step daughter and step mother, I'd find this an easy situation and just go with it and see what happens. I'd be disappointed I wasnt told but it was meant to be anonymous so maybe dropped from his mind as not important.

All these people saying men who donated are irresponsible but think Of the much loved babies born out of this process. No one knew that the technology would exist 30 years one.

”Then they tore up the donation contract which is so wrong someone should have taken them to EU court for that so anonymous isn't anymore,“

That’s not what has happened - this donor was traced via a private DNA kit, the clinic he went to hasn’t broken any confidentiality.
Donors now know that there is a very good chance that an 18 year old will contact the clinic and get the donor details. In the U.K. it’s still pretty much students, for £50 a pop for ‘expenses’ or altruistic donors.

@saraclara makes very good points about the scientific side of things back then.

I can’t help thinking about stories of women who gave babies up for adoption shamefully and secretly and then them or are contacted by them later in life but feel they can’t tell their dh/families. I’d judge the heck out of a man who couldn’t get past something like this and I’m genuinely astonished how many posters here would consider divorcing a man for having a child turn up years later.

This wouldn’t bother me.

Way, way too complicated with so many potential implications for years to come. I'd be out of the relationship.

"perhaps many more children might turn up and frankly have claim over something they built.."

It doesn't work like that. When a man donates through an official sperm bank, all future legal obligations that might exist between father and child are terminated, permanently. Of course the child might still try and play on the donors heartstrings and try conning him, although I haven't read of that happening. And the donor father could call the police if the child becomes too much of a nuisance.

I'd be okay with it in theory. But I'd be incredibly protective of our children and our status.

I'd shore up my side of the will, ensuring that only my children could inherit from me. And I'd change my life assurance at work to only benefit the children, and change the trustee away from him.

I'd make sure that they, and only they, would benefit from my life and work.

Because to me, an adult step child who only just materialised, would not be the same as a step child I'd been involved with from childhood.

But other than that, I'd encourage all parties to take it slowly, to not rush, and probably to seek counselling regarding it. I'd not want anyone getting hurt or damaged.

Then they tore up the donation contract which is so wrong someone should have taken them to EU court for that

Sorry, who is "them"? No contracts have been broken. I am certainly not in a contract with anyone to keep things secret.

I know I'm biased, and I know DNA kits like ancestry like make a lot of men who donated in the 70s/80s/90's say "oh shit" - but frankly, hard cheese. The right if a child to know where they came from and medical info trumps all that. There's a reason the law changed. I don't begrudge my mum's way of conceiving not for a minute but very little consideration was given at the time to the effects on children that would be produced - and that should be recognised.

That's not to say any donor child has a "right" to a relationship with their biological father but they should be able to at the very least find out information for medical purposes.

And in my OP I wasn't implying that it wouldn't affect her - just that she shouldn't have the final say on the relationship