To hate DD’s friend

[MamTimesTwo]

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

• got DD better Christmas presents than we could
• told DD £85 was hardly anything
• when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
• seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
• said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

I hate my DD’s friend, too. She’s 15. Consider the age. Immaturity. She doesn’t sound malicious, just very immature, but I can see where she would get on your nerves

Totally fine to feel annoyed by her comments but hate is a very strong reaction, esp for a kid.

Why can't your kids go to uni? They get loans and get a part time job like my kids do.

I totally understand it’s horrible of her, but she’s 15 and so far had to worry about nothing why should she understand? Especially if her parents haven’t explained it?

DD's friend is simply a product of her upbringing,not her fault.

When she reaches adulthood though there's no guarantee that she'll maintain the same standard of living unless she works hard for it.

To get there she'll most likely have to go to university and then work hard in her chosen field.There's absolutely no reason why your DD can't do the same.There's help out there for teenagers wanting to go to university from low income families:if people only went if their parents could afford it universities would crumble as they'd have few students.

Take her expensive gifts to DD as a compliment that she thinks so highly of her and their friendship.She may get X,Y&Z from her parents but might not get much quality time with them.
Try to be emphatic towards her and just brush off the throwaway comments she makes;your life style will be alien to her.

Getting angry at a seemingly nice 15 year old because you are upset at your own position is deeply disturbing.
I’d understand your upset if she dropped her as a friend because of class, but seems you are causing friction.

You're jealous and taking it out on a child.

I agree with this and think you are being a bit pathetic. You are the adult not her.

It isn't her money it is her parents and she will understand this when she gets older.

Also there is zero reason why you kids should not go to uni. I was the first person in my family to get two science degrees and I was brought up by a single mother on benefits.

My son also went to uni, we weren't rich at the time, I was a single mum too although I did work full time, and he is paying off the student loan through his wages like everyone else.

You sound determined to be hard done by. You and your kids can achieve whatever you want in life without handouts from rich parents.

Unjust? Really Op, there are children on this planet who do not have an opportunity to go to school. Yes this girl sounds annoying but you can’t complain over her not valuing what she has when you don’t value what you have.

Your jealousy is showing Op. You could easily turn this into teaching moment by explaining that she’s in a privileged position and that whilst your family is not as financially secure as hers, you work hard so that your DD benefits from the vital things in life.

I was a dick at 15. I said all sorts of horrible, thoughtless things. They still haunt me a bit now aged 42, I cringe at the offence I stupidly caused.

Maybe sit her down and nicely chat about your reality. It isn’t something to be ashamed of and she may turn out to be more leftie than Tory if you do.

My daughter also 15 has a friend who gets everything because as my daughter says she is an only child and the parents have good jobs, she goes to Las Vegas a few times an has nice things. We are like yourselves and dont always have everything but are happy with what we have. Tell your daughter that she has what she has and you can give her and her brother. The girl will learn that being how she is and bragging is wrong. What are her parents like, maybe they brag.

Just to let you know your kids will be able to go to uni. We have a low income household and both of ours went. You get more maintenance grants if you have a low household income so it is possible.

15 old girls look a bit like grown women but are still children and behave accordingly.
And if someone had given my child a 'too expensive' present compared to what I could afford I wouldn't comment that it costs more than two weeks worth of food. What could you achieve from that? Sorry I spent too much on your present. Next year would you rather have the cash?

If your DD's friend's entitled behaviour is so apparent, she will not be making many friends amongst her peer group. At 15, she is quite old enough to understand that it is insensitive and objectionable. Let's hope someone, possibly a perceptive teacher, takes her to task.

Yabu. She bought your daughter more expensive xmas gifts than you could... that shows she cares about your daughter and wants her to have nice things. She is just unaware of how it makes you feel, she will hopefully learn to hide that later. In the meantime if 85 pounds is nothing then I guess she can afford to treat your kid when they hang out, which is a nice thing to do. I would stay out of their friendship and let your daughter decide if she wants her in her life. It isn't bad for either of them to experience a little of what others live like

I'd say it's not entirely her fault, she probably knows no different.

I remember when I was in college I received £10 weekly education grant of some sort (we're talking about 15 years ago so can't remember specifically!) One of my friends wasn't happy that I got it and she didn't, she said her Dad only earned 90k a year and that's really not that much! My (single) mum was earning about 18k at the time. She seemed to think that I was able to afford to run a car because of the £10 grant....nothing to do with the fact that I also worked every weekend and had saved up to pay for it all.

Some people are just clueless.... not just teenagers.

Jesus you sound like the life of the party. The whole woe is me isn’t a good look. Imagine if your daughters friends mother got on here Spouting how she HATED your child for being poor or because of your sad, unsuccessful life. Imagine she thought her daughter could have better friends, with better morals. How would you feel. It’s pretty disgusting that you actually created a poll and a conversation based on your daughters 15 year old friend. Maybe your life hasn’t turned out great because of your attitude towards other people. Green is an ugly colour!

Any I could say would be echoing everyone else.

Your anger is misplaced. If she understood everyone was not on the same financial footing she wouldn't be saying these things, kids only know what they grow up with and her parents have failed to teach her valuable life lessons, that's on them not her.

Also: you really do sound jealous and it's not a good look. I understand what it's like to not have a pot to piss in and I'm telling you now, your attitude sucks.

You need to think about what you are teaching YOUR DD because she has no reason to turn her back on her friend because of a difference in lifestyle or your bitter behaviour.

Your DD friend is doing nothing wrong, you on the other hand are old enough to know better.

At least she sounds generous! My best friend when I was at school had millionaire parents; she had everything she ever wanted, brand new car for 17th etc...
30 years later we are still in touch, I paid my own way through uni & worked hard to get a good job which enabled me to pay off my student debt by 35 & buy my own house (mortgaged, small & not perfectly formed) which I am very proud about. Her parents paid for her education, have bought her houses etc, she hates her job & is generally not that happy unfortunately. Growing up her whole family were tight with their money, & she is the same, gets stressed & borderline aggressive about splitting meal bills down to the last penny etc (I learnt a long time ago to never get into any financial mix with her). Moral of the story: Money &/or rich parents do not buy happiness, your children can do anything they want to if they work for it & generosity is a valuable trait!

I think for you to say you hate her because her family are better off than yours seems a little extreme (and really as the adult in this situation completely bitter)

There is no reason your children can’t go to university - we live in one of the poorest parts of the country and practically everyone I know went (regardless of economic situation) and I really don’t think you can hold the fact her parents are getting her a tutor against her just because you can’t afford one

Really it’s nice though that your daughter has had such a lovely present, Thats incredibly thoughtful of her friend - True it’s a little insensitive of her to speak about money as if it was nothing but to her it doesn’t mean as much as it does to you (but really the is due to her economic upbringing rather than some kind of selfish hatred like you seem to think)

I’m a single mum, I live in a council flat, and I’m on long term disability benefits. My son is going to uni to study law in the autumn. Poverty of ambition / aspiration does way more harm in many cases than poverty of money. I’m not saying the friend wasn’t a tad tactless, but hating her doesn’t sound like a healthy reaction.

I really hope you don’t tell your children they cant go to university. That’s awful if you do

You sound jealous.

But more importantly: People from all backgrounds go to university, everyone from royalty to care-leavers. Don't limit your children's life chances by convincing them that they can't.

She's a twat.

She needs to be steered towards books that show how different lives are. It’s not her fault, just needs a bit of education! And of course your child can go to university. She will get loans etc. Then they’re all in the same boat paying it back.

My worry is that you're limiting your own DCs future potential as I'm guessing you've told them they can't go to uni even if they wanted to. So they'll grow up without uni in mind. Why on earth do you think they couldn't go? My eldest has a full loan and is managing perfectly well. We send bits here and there but it's treat money, not money she needs. She doesn't work yet but is happy to do so should she feel she needs it. She doesn't drink, but does enjoy shopping! My second has just applied and is beginning to receive offers and my youngest will go two years later.
DH and I met at uni. We were both the first in our families to go but my parents never limited me. I grew up on a council estate but there was never any doubt in my mind that I was university bound. We have done the same with our 3 and made sure that they always knew they could aim high. That doesn't mean we expect them to go, just that we've encouraged them to not limit their potential. If they're bright and have a career in mind, they should be encouraged. I wouldn't suggest being saddled with a student loan was a great idea if the degree didn't lead to employment but all of mind have specific career plans that require degree level education.