To hate DD’s friend

[MamTimesTwo]

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

• got DD better Christmas presents than we could
• told DD £85 was hardly anything
• when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
• seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
• said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

So you basically hate anyone who has more money than you? That seems to include a child, how pathetic of you.
Maybe consider your own life choices if you wanted to be in a similar financial position as her parents are in.

She’s just a young person with a narrow frame of reference, there’s no justification for hate. You sound really bitter.

This. She is a young, naive child. You are an adult. Grow up.

@Bluntness100 I think you’re giving her too much credit ..
I don’t think it was a joke just that she knows Waitrose is more expensive than say Tesco or Aldi and if they’ve always had a dishwasher since she’s been born which we always have then it probably never dawned on her that people still wash stuff by hand .
Most people have dishwashers

“Green is an ugly colour on you, OP.”

Just reached peak “mumsnet-cringe” 😬

@Bluntness100 Exactly! She only acknowledged that her family spend more because they go to Waitrose. She clearly knows that it's an expensive supermarket and they wouldn't be spending so much if they went somewhere else. Yet again I don't see the issue

Ofcourse your children can go to uni. It's great to be friends with people from different walks of life. She isn't trying to be rude or hurtful.

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth

Surely beyond the most basic requirements of keeping you alive, that is relative? Your dd's life of living in a 3 bedroom semi would seem like unheard-of luxury to many of her peers, yet to you that is somehow what everybody else should understand as the norm.

And before you lay into me as over-privileged, I also live in a cheap 3 bed semi in a poorer area and struggled to make ends meet when dc were little. Several of dc's friends who grew up in similar or less privileged circumstances went to Oxbridge (or in one case, I believe, to RADA, which is arguably a more difficult journey): as far as I am aware none of them had tutoring.

How do you feel when adults on MN say stuff like 50k isn't an impressive salary, everybody can afford a holiday etc?

Many adults struggle with the possibility that giving a gift that's much more expensive than the one that they receive (say at Xmas) could cause embarrassment. It might not have occurred to both girls to set a budget and the other girl genuinely might have bought what your dd would like than consider cost. Adults on MN struggle with the possibility that exchanging gifts worth "only £85" might be hard for the other person. I definitely read a thread or two where the poorer friend didn't feel that they could say that £85 is too much because they were friends for so long etc It's good that you've down the seed in your DD's mind that it's fine to have close friends that you don't spend £85 on.
With regards to the supermarket comment, adults on MN say things like "your £100 Tesco spend would be £70 in Aldi" A y10 wouldn't know if £100 at Waitrose would cost £45 at OP's supermarket.

As for the dishwasher, it's not that weird! Teens would fine houses with no wifi, smartphones or tv weird. A quick google reveals that 49% of UK households own one. You could have turned it into a joke about youth and technology like young people never known TVs with remote controls etc

The girl needed your dd to give her a reality check about money. FWIW my similar ages dd and her friends exchanged gifts secret Santa style and it was £10 tops for the selected friend and £1 on chocolate for the other girls in the group which I thought was OTT but it's her pocket money so up to her

The girl is 15 and naive. £85 won't seem silly if her mum buys £100+ gifts for her friends and possibly suggested £85 being a bargain or if she gets £100 pw pocket money and only has your dd to buy for.

Next time your dd just needs to suggest a maximum gift cost. £10 should be ample but obviously this depends on how many friends that she exchanges gifts with because I'm assuming one. My dd has stocked up at the Boots 50% off sale and looks out for 3 for 2 deals during the year and has a gift shelf in her room together with Card Factory 10 for £1 cards that she can give to less close friends. £85 is a ridiculous amount for a gift between 15 year olds but I don't think that she's trying to piss you off on purpose,

I've seen Lidl ads quite a lot. "Lidl on price" is a clever slogan that probably only works with UK accents

She's 15, and unless she's putting your daughter down, bullying her or mocking her for poverty, this is all harmless. You're taking an adult's view of the world and ascribing it to a teenager.

Please don't hate her or make your DC grow up with the same chip on their shoulder regarding wealth and privilege. They should grow up appreciating the things they have, and not seeing the whole world through the lense of money or judging others who have more than them. Your attitude will not go unnoticed by your DD, and in fact, you will make her feel more insecure with this attitude than her friend will.

I was always considerably poorer than everyone in school (scholarship kid in a private school), and frankly never cared because my parents were happy with what we had, so I was happy, and they always told me if i wanted more in life, I should work for it - but money wasn't everything. It was an excellent lesson. I used to love going over to my wealthy friends' houses because they were like luxury holidays, so much fun, and never turned down expensive gifts. They were given with love and who cares what the price was!

Also they can absolutely go to uni if they want, and if not, there are plenty of other routes to comfort and contentment, and you should be focusing on that, rather than getting envious of a child. This is all very self pitying and under dog like, and you should focus on what you have, and be proud and comfortable with your choices.

I expect the £85 was the present cost as it’s oddly specific.

So what probably happened was:

• OP “£85 is a lot of money”
• Embarrassed 15yo, put on spot by graceless OP “um, it’s not so much, er...” (downplaying it, meaning - it’s not much as in I can afford it, please don’t worry)
• OP with zero sensitivity rants on about food bills
• Embarrassed 15yo blames the difference in food spending on the Waitrose habit, gently suggesting that they spend more because they are silly, not because they are wealthy

How tedious.
The Daily Mail is seriously struggling for stories today.

No teenager has ever said those exact words to you, have they OP?

We live in one bedroom flat. We can only dream of a 3 bed anything. Can I hate you OP?

I hate it when people claim oh my children can never go to university because we are not rich.

Erm student loans? It's that simple.
I come from a big council estate, nothing stopped me going to college, then uni. I now live in affluent area, do very well and my daughter will be very privileged growing up.

Nothing stops people. Use what is available

I had a friend like that as a teen. She said my house was so small it made her feel claustrophobic she hasn't changed and I don't talk to her anymore because she's ridiculously irritating

She sounds shallow, unquestioning, ivory-towered frankly ... awful. If I were you, I would step in and break it up. Ugh.

Yes it's annoying, vulgar and really quite typical of a mid teen. As pp have said, she is parroting comments from home with little thought of others. Just ignore her.
However her poverty in other areas will come to light as she grows up. Money isn't everything.

And if your DC want to go to university there is nothing stopping them at all. My eldest went and we are in similar circumstances to you. She's just finishing her teaching qualification after her degree, so social background really is not a barrier. Her brother is planning on going next year, if they are capable let them go.

I don’t think you are unreasonable for thinking it’s uncalled for, but she is still a child and has been raised to think this way by her parents. It’s then at fault for letting her down. She will get a shock once she’s responsible for herself.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon I'm with you. Absolutely no need for hate - pity maybe (for their lack of understanding, reality and appreciation) but definitely not hate for their naivety!

Why do you think your children can’t go to university? If you don’t have much money, they will get the full loan!
Please don’t stop them or put it in to their heads that they can’t get a good education and do well for themselves.

I thank you are projecting

OP has gone, having not got the responses she had hoped for

She’s what, 14,15? She just hasn’t learnt the art of tact yet. You sound jealous, which is weird.

I think you can say "we don't like to talk about money in this house" and leave it there. Your daughter will get the message that it's rude to compare what you have to someone else, even if the friend doesn't. But the friend might, too, and you would be teaching her some useful sensitivity.

She's a child, you are an adult. You should be wondering why this bothers you so much.