To hate DD’s friend

[MamTimesTwo]

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

• got DD better Christmas presents than we could
• told DD £85 was hardly anything
• when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
• seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
• said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

Your daughter’s friend doesn’t sound mean to me but naive. But she is still very young so give her some credit. I think she is quite surprised that some people manage on much less money than she and her family are used to.

got DD better Christmas presents than we could

Like this is honestly one of your reasons for hating her? Because she got your daughter a nice gift. It's just really pathetic.

You definitely ANBU for thinking a 15 year old should have a better understanding of money than that!
But if your DD has a decent understanding of money then she'll realise how ridiculous the friend is being, therefore I wouldn't get annoyed over it.

Apparently teenagers are less empathetic than 7 year olds. I'm sure I was and my teenaged dd is kinder and smartsmarter than I was but is still self absorbed. I also heard it is to do with the maturing and rewiring of their brains and as such inevitable. Unfortunately.

I liked the quote from page one: Some people are so poor that all they have is money

Depsite your resentment of the 15-year old girl and it costing more than your present - did it not occur to you at all that it was actually very kind of her?

Jesus, she's not mean - she's naive. Massive difference.

Where are you OP? I hope you feel ashamed,not just because of your jealous spite,but also the low expectations you have for your children.

I came from a very poor family yet went on to Uni, got my doctorate and am now in a high earning City job. My sister and brother did exactly the same. Our parents put all the emphasis on education and while all three of us had to work 2 jobs (cleaners, waiting tables etc) in parallel with our studies - it was worth the effort. The whole point of it being to provide better and easier path to the next generation. Both my siblings and I now have children. Of course we will use the money to pay for the best education we can (if needed), that is what we worked for. I'd be seriously disturbed if my DD's friend's mother hated my child for having access to tutors etc. I am not sure what do you expect - for her parents not to pay for private tutors because someone else can't?

That being said - we are raising our children to be fully aware that their parents are self-made and that we came from literally nothing (30sqm for 2 parents and 3 kids so way less than what your DD has) and would like to think that they'd show more sensitivity and empathy at 15. However, if all that child has known is a comfortable life, this may be difficult and teenagers are not famous for being the most empathetic crowd out there.

I can understand you're bitter and frustrated and that it is painful that you can't afford everything you want to your DD - but instead of focusing on hatred towards this little girl who did nothing wrong, focus on encouraging your DD to fight for her own and her children's better future.

Its a yes from me.

(That YABVU)

I really think you need to pay attention to what @Witchend has written. She bought your daughter a nice present. I assume that's the gift that cost £85. You told her that's two weeks groceries, she told you they spend £100 a week. The kid was making conversation and said she was getting a tutor. If your kids are friends, don't ruin it because of your own insecurities, jealousy, and frustration that you can't provide the same. You are doing your best, and you are providing your children with everything you can, financially and emotionally. Just because someone has more, doesn't lessen you.

How about you invite the friend to stay over for a few days, maybe over the weekend or something. Then she can see how others live and maybe you can teach her that not everyone is so lucky. Show her things that money can’t buy....

“Is she kind to your dd.If she is thats all that matters.”

It’s been more than established that she isn’t!!! Ffs

She sounds a tragic, snobby teen. Let's hope she grows out of it. In the meantime, talk to your DD about values that matter and teen twats who don't.

She sounds a tragic, snobby teen. Let's hope she grows out of it. In the meantime, talk to your DD about values that matter and teen twats who don't.

Yeah, if she doesn’t watch her step, kid could wind up as unpleasant as you.

@Supersimkin2 What fuck is wrong with you?
Looks like you never grew out of being a judgemental prick ..

It’s been more than established that she isn’t!!! Ffs

Has OP came back and update and I missed it?

Because a nice gift and a few unwise/inexperienced comments(one of them prompted by OP) don't mean she was being unkind to OP's DD.

I honestly don't get the anger and bile aimed at a 15 yo when plenty of grownups on MN have similar attitudes to her or worse.

Fifteen year olds, are very often totally self absorbed, like toddlers but with more brain power (in some cases)!

How does your daughter feel when this girl passes these comments? I would say the "friend" is hopelessly insecure and inadequate if her main talking point is money-related ... perhaps she knows people with even more money who are hopeless show offs? Or are there some issues with parents not talking about empathy and real values. True class always shines thru regardless of wealth.

Talking of values, there is no reason whatsoever why your daughter should not go to university .

Sounds like she lives in a bubble and hasn't much experience of anything else, definate lack of empathy, she should be more sensitive.
But it is kind she bought your DC a generous gift and the sports clubs, tutors etc are her parents doing.
I don't think any 15 year old really knows the price of groceries, I am shocked she doesn't know how to wash up without a dishwasher though!
It must be hard seeing your DDs friend having advantages you can't provide for your DD but your DD does have a loving family and that is much more important than any clubs or private tuition. More importantly how does your DD feel about the friendship? If she's unfazed then don't worry, if she is then just explain how much you love her but don't have much disposable income and have to budget carefully. She can still go to university, depending on your income she may get full maintenance loan which is enough to live on and she could find part time work to help bridge any short fall.

Sounds like a typical self absorbed teenager to me. I can’t see anything in your posts that should make you want to ‘hate’ her though! It makes you sound jealous.

Green is an ugly colour on you, OP.

It's not her fault really she has been brought up privileged and doesn't know the real value of money. She also is living in that bubble of privilege not understanding how you can get your dishes clean without a dish washer?? Even if I was rich, I would I give my child a budget at that age and try get them to see the value of money and not to take it for granted. It really does no good to over indulge them. Money gives people more options but it doesn't buy happiness.

She's obviously not a snob in terms of who she makes friends with. And I'd be careful about sending unintended messages of shame or jealousy to your DD. I had a friend at school who was so rich that when she came to my house (we were 16) she told me she'd never used a Hoover. She hovered our carpet for first time in her life at mine and we both laughed and took the piss. I would relax and think it's gteat your DD has friends from all walks of life (including super rich). She won't put being rich on pedestal if she has friends who have cash.

When a friend of mine (not rich but not really poor and quite naive) was about 10, my mother was telling us about a time when she sometimes didn't have enough to eat. 'Why not?' asked my friend. 'Because I didn't have any money.' 'Why didn't you use your credit card?!' This friend has grown up, not only non-snobby, but one of the most capable people I've ever known at budgeting carefully and living on a modest income. Kids are ignorant, that's what being a kid is all about. This girl may be slightly naive for 15, but I don't think she's being nasty.

Some of this surprises me, the hundred pounds a week, guess you don't shop at Waitrose though is quite a sophisticated joke. It's saying yeah we only pay more because we shop at Waitrose, if we didn't we would also spend forty quid a week,

Fifteen year olds don't usually make that kind of joke. It's an older woman one. And every fifteen year old knows you can wash dishes by hand.

Bit odd really.