To hate DD’s friend

[MamTimesTwo]

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

• got DD better Christmas presents than we could
• told DD £85 was hardly anything
• when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
• seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
• said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

@TheLightSideOfTheMoon Some people are so poor that all they have is money.

this

People on here saying nothing stops people from poorer backgrounds going to university ... gives your heads a shake ffs.

This is a really depressing thread

Why @overnightangel? I am from a working class poor background and went to uni. Didn’t stop me.

And actually it pisses me off you would say that @overnight. I got ZERO parental support in any way and I did fine.

She's a teenager and teenagers say dumb shit. Of course she doesn't value money and know it's worth... she doesn't pay for anything yet.

I'm afraid that I was a bit like the friend growing up, don't worry it soon clicked after I had to start paying bloody bills

Why on Earth Couldnt your kids be able to go to uni? They will get loans and a part-time job like the rest of us did.

My poor friend got £8k a year in maintenance when I only got £3k it more than made up for the difference in parental contributions

@overnightangel I actually think it’s those in the so-called squeezed middle who might struggle the most.. When parents earn too much to get the full loan / grant, but are over extended financially, and can’t afford to top up as much as the government thinks they should. I realise there can be a postcode lottery in terms of good schools and potentially good grades, but some unis will give a more generous offer to an applicant from a deprived area (and that’s certainly been our experience). It might not be easy, but the worthwhile things in life rarely are. And the poorer students may very well be more motivated to do well than the rich kids are.

I went to a grammar school. A lot of the kids there went to private school for primary then grammar for secondary. A lot of these girls were exactly like what you describe . Teenagers are self absorbed and thoughtless and egocentric anyway. That's just how most of them are. Due to a multiplicity of reasons. I was working Class and remember my family raiding my money box for food money and having my shoes glued together because they couldn't afford another pair. It doesn't affect the person you become if your friends are rich , it just makes you grateful for things. This kid isn't bad she's just not had the same life experience as yours.

Ps and I went to uni and worked as well.
Love angelfacecuti75 BA honours English literature and History

are you for real?

I'm spending as someone whose family didn't have loads of money but I did seem to get what I asked for as a child (not that my dad was aware when it was being purchased) now as an adult, home owner, mother, I'm 21k in debt because I was never told the true value of money, ive not read rest of this thread so apologise if it's moved on, but value of life in general needs to be taught at a young age

The girl and her family may have more material things than you have,which matters not, and this girl may not realise how she comes across with her ways of doing,and saying things. And she is friends with your daughter after all.

If your daughter is level headed and a friendly girl, she won't be bothered about her friends type of attitudes etc.

I can’t see one thing she has done to warrant your hate. I am more concerned that you would feel hate towards a teenager who clearly likes your daughter. Maybe she has not noticed or understands the economics of things - one thing you have neglected to mention is that they seem to have been friends for years and it appears she likes your daughter and does not care whether your family does or does not have money - she likes her for herself which must hopefully count for something in your eyes.

She has said some rude things but you are unfair in holding against her that her parents can give her things you can’t give your children, she sounds spoilt and you sound jealous. Neither of you come across well in this post.

@Ellisandra I agree, the girl may have been embarrassed at having bought a nice gift for her friend, only to have it questioned and made to justify it. It seems to be the OP that has started the conversations with her DD's friend about money, the girl didn't just start bragging about her wealth unprompted. It doesn't seem to have occurred to OP that perhaps she wasn't comfortable being questioned about it and feels she has to justify her/ her parents ' spending habits. I would have felt quite upset if my friends parents had made judgments about my family's spending like that, given it was out of my control. The girl sounds naive and as if she had had little life experience outside her own bubble. If she was bullying her friend for having less money, that would be a problem but she doesn't sound malicious.

Yeah, you are unreasonable to hate her. I thought you were going to say she was bullying your DD, or getting her into drugs or something like that. Some of the examples you give just make you sound envious. She sounds like she’s a bit over-privileged and thoughtless with some comments, that all. No reason to hate her.

I voted YABU because you're jealous and taking it out on a teen. Should she be showing off, in my opinion no, however, teen girls do and it's just one of those things. You haven't said if any of this bothers your daughter just that it bothers you.
I'm poor but dont resent my kids friends who have more than him.

She sounds a bit like my dds - 14 and 15.

They are privileged young girls but they have also been raised (I hope) to be polite and considerate. They are very open and frank with their friends, who are from a multitude of backgrounds so it would not be unthinkable to imagine that they could be a little tactless when discussing each others’ families. Dd1 in particular often gets ribbed for being ‘posh’ and it upsets her however there is enough robustness among her friendship group to take a bit of teasing and acknowledgement of each others’ differences.

I really hope none of my dds’ friends’ parents ‘hate’ my children for having tutors or a dishwasher .

I get that this would be annoying to you but maybe she is just very naive 🤷‍♀️ being friends with your daughter might just be good for her.

Also why cabt your DC go to university??
My husband comes from a very working class background. His parents couldn't afford to send him to university. He got a student loan. They really aren't as scary as you think! A very small percentage of his wages goes to pay it off every month. It's very manageable and we had a child at 21 while he was still I Uni.
Please don't dismiss university because you think you cant afford it. Your children have every opportunity.

Your DD has integrity and be a lovely person that does not need possessions - a true worth that money can not buy - be proud that this DF want to associate herself with your DD - be proud of her than bitter of the other

You’re jealous of a young girl. I would never dislike someone because they got my child a better gift than myself, I’d be silently thankful my daughter has a nice enough friend to think of her like that and let my kid be happy with something a bit more expensive than usual.

Your DD has integrity and be a lovely person that does not need possessions

Yeah, that's lovely but we all know that those who grow up without tend to want possessions more when they grow up. It becomes more important to them. The only folks who really don't want possessions are nuns, spiritual types and hippies.

It's like kids that grow up seeing chocolate as an occasional treat, and banned from eating it any other time. They grow up wanting to eat all the chocolate and treating themselves every day,

It's like kids that grow up seeing chocolate as an occasional treat, and banned from eating it any other time. They grow up wanting to eat all the chocolate and treating themselves every day,

Mmm hmm, and come and like locusts completely strip my Christmas tree of candy canes when their mother‘s back is turned...

No self control at all!

I had a very affluent upbringing, large house garden and pool, nice cars, got anything I asked for. I would often get snarky comments from friends and boyfriends parents which I now understand as jealousy.

I agree she isn't being very tactful but she is a teenager still! But you sound very spiteful and envious.

Why wouldn’t they be able to go to uni. Get the student loan like everyone else.