To hate DD’s friend

[MamTimesTwo]

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

• got DD better Christmas presents than we could
• told DD £85 was hardly anything
• when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
• seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
• said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

Instead of 'hating' the child/ family that are financially more well off than yours, teach your daughter that money doesn't buy everything- caring parents/ love/ time/ patience/ attention etc. Apart from money you don't mention anything else about the other child's life. How much do you actually know?

And don't let your dc think that they can't go to uni. That's ridiculous. Sounds like you have a chip on your shoulder which you're passing on to your dd.

Teach your dd that where there appears to be wealth theres usually a shitload of debt behind closed doors...

Hate is a strong word for a kid.

She’s been naive and insensitive but by the sound of it she’s not intending to make you feel bad.

If she was making fun of you and DD for not having money - that would be different.

The irony is, if you could buy your daughter all the things that her friend has, and provide her with an equally privileged lifestyle, other people may find your daughter as obnoxious as you find this girl.

We're all a product of our environment, in the most part. At 15 years old anyway.

Don’t hate a 15 year old. They say stupid things without thinking, but as long as she is a good friend to your dd what does it matter.

I was in your dds position and my best friend at around that age was from a well off family. At times my mum in particular would get a bit jealous and would pick fault with them where ever she could. I on the other hand just enjoyed her friendship, I also enjoyed her jacuzzi and her grand parents swimming pool! (That wasn’t the reason for the friendship, Just a perk, we’d have friends even if she was as poor as me!).

Don’t let a slightly unthinking teen get to you. She’s just a kid, who was lucky enough to be born into money and therefore thinks nothing of it.

Also why would you think your DC can’t go to uni?

OP You have an inferiority complex! Get out of it as it’s unhealthy not only for yourself but risk passing it on to your DD too! I can tell you about my story but when you’re in a more positive mind frame

Has this lass said these things directly to you? Is it possible that your DD is telling you this because she is feeling a bit put out/envious?

Deep down I think you are beating yourself with a big stick about not being able to provide your DC with the same experience as their friends

In your own words she is in the top 5%. That means you are in the other 95%(ie the majority).

It’s not unreasonable to wish you could offer the same but it is unreasonable to push the blame on a naive child.

If your daughter is happy then you need to keep quiet.

I don't think the stuff she said was really that bad. She sounds a bit clueless, but not particularly malicious

YABU and mean.
She’s 15, give her a break.

You need to grow up OP. Good luck to her parents providing a good life for her. I would encourage my daughter to stay away from your house as you live in your grapes.

'she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.'

Yes they can, loans are a thing, and as people only pay it back if they earn over £27,000 or something, it's effectively a grant for a lot of people- and once they earn over that they're earnin enough to pay it, anyway.

There are also a lot of bursaries and stuff they could apply for.

Don't tell them they can't go- it simply isn't the case.

On sour grapes.

She's just a kid.

Hate is extreme but she sounds very spoilt.

She’s 15, I remember my best friend at school had loads of money and very expensive things, and often said tactless comments about stuff that I had, I lived on a council estate and my parents worked but didn’t have the best jobs.

I was encouraged to “better myself” so to speak so I could have a better lifestyle, I’m at uni now (however with a year off) studying Law - maximum student loan. Your daughter can go to uni, the really damaging thing here is telling her that she can’t!

Ahhh another one where op gets told they are being unreasonable so they just never come back

I agree with a pp, that this has probably started with the OP.
‘How much was the present’
‘It was £85’
‘You shouldn’t have spent so much on dd’
‘Oh, it was hardly anything’
‘Well, in THIS house, that’s 2 weeks worth of shopping’
‘Oh, we spend around £100 a week. Although that’s probably because it’s Waitrose’

That’s how the convo went, Unless OP comes back to clarify, (which she clearly won’t)

But if you do, OP, stop antagonising a 15 y/o because she bought your dd a nice present

My friend at the time bought me some really expensive earrings for my 16th birthday, something my parents couldn’t afford and thankfully all my mum said was “it’s my birthday in December name hope you’re thinking of me too”

Don’t raise your children to be bitter or jealous.

Wow. This reeks of bitterness. She’s a child - year 10 or not. Grow up and stop being offended by the words of a child. And ‘hate’? Give over.

I think you are too sensitive and it’s you that’s the problem ,not the friend .
It’s not the girls fault that her parents can afford a tutor and you can’t , that’s a weird thing to hold against her .
Is she a bit snobby? Probably but again that’s how she was brought up

You come across as very resentful.
Why are you saying your daughter can't go to uni?
Presumably this girl isn't rubbing it in intentionally otherwise your daughter surely wouldn't be friends with her?
There will always be people better off than you as well as worse off.
Of course money is very important, but equally as important is happiness and health, because bitterness will get you nowhere.

What do you mean they can't go to university? The current system of grants and loans means that every child can go, although some might need a part time job if they want to socialise at all.

Honestly, it's your attitude holding your DD back, not her (tactless but generous-sounding) friend

You're jealous and taking it out on a child

Exactly

She's 15, give her a fucking break!!

Jeez, she got your daughter a lovely gift for Christmas, what a bitch! How about saying thank you, what a thoughtful gift!

The rest of it is her being a typical 15 year old. cop on to yourself and stop being so jealous, it it oozes out in your OP!