To hate DD’s friend

[MamTimesTwo]

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

• got DD better Christmas presents than we could
• told DD £85 was hardly anything
• when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
• seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
• said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

Why did you even tell her £85 is two weeks of your food spend? So what if she spent that on your DD. As a % of what money she had it might not have been that much to her. That's not her fault!

What is it about Y10 🤔

Your jealous of a child. Pathetic

yabu she's a young naive about the world teen who currently lives in a bubble, if dd didn't like her would they still be friends ? dd can choose her friends unless there is a back story that the friends parents make their money through drugs or something else illegal.

And,

OF COURSE your children can go to uni.

Take that chip off your shoulder and throw it far away. Support your child in her dreams, and have high expectations for her. Make sure she does her homework and completes her project on time.

That way, your grand daughter will have the same nonchalant attitude to money as this child - just a generation away.

So basically you hate a teenager because she's got money and doesn't yet appreciate that makes her privileged?

I’m more concerned that you are limiting your child’s aspirations by suggesting they can’t go to university. This friend whose life is so different to hers may counteract your negative influence on that and make your daughter believe she can create a better life for herself.

The friend does of course sound rude and naive in the way some teenagers are. Hopefully being exposed to different ways of living will help her grow out of that sooner rather than later.

Not quite sure why you think your Dd wont be able to go to uni - lots of kids from low income families do (my DD was one)

It is annoying when people with lots of money are clueless about what it is like to struggle financially, and many people 9you see them a lot on here) think £100 is basically pocket money when to others of us it is a lot of money.
But to be fair to your DD's friend she is a teenager - anotoriupsly self absorbed age ! She has never known anything different so to her having plenty of money is her norm. She may come across as a little crass in some of her comments, but your DD likes her, so she must see some good points in her friend that mke her likeable.
In fact many high income adults have no idea what it is like to have very little and say ludicrous things, or want to e.g. eat in expensive restaurants and don't understand when poorer friends can't afford it - I'd be much more inclined to judge them than i would a child.

hate is an awfully strong word and usually hatred ties the hater up in internal knots and affects the hated not one little bit, So it is a waste ofyour time and emotional energy. Just calmly point out to the girl that every one has different incomes, if she says anything especially daft, and say that money isn;'the only important thing in life.

Grow up OP

This girl just sounds young in the head and a bit naive. She doesn't sound malicious. Perhaps try and explain it to her in a nice way? I have recently come across kids who shun other kids who are not in their class/financial league - ie. so and so does not have the new iphone/trainers/live in a detached house so cannot be in our crew kind of way, now that is bad. This child is not doing that. What you should be doing is educating this girl and possibly understanding how and why her parents are successful. Encourage your children to go to university and to benefit from having contact with people who are good earners. They too may learn something from it. You should have high aspirations for your children then they might feel anything is possible. And by all means, point out to your children that some rich people are in a bubble so if they ever become rich, to please retain some empathy/sensitivity towards others

you read some mners on here saying 'income of a zillion a year but simply can't manage, only three bali holidays this year aibu to be so upset' ?
they are either lying or really do not live in the real world.

Ignore completely. Hopefully one day she’ll remember her gaucheries and cringe a bit. We were all once young and and full of shit.

This website is full of GROWNUPS that have no idea how other people live and the value of money. Get a cleaner,go to a spa, just move or "take some ironing in ". It's all bullshit. And these are grownups,most of the time well intentioned even if clueless.

And you hate a 15 yo for not having enough life experience and the analytical skills to realise how rich,lucky and privileged she is?
She has no control over how the money is spent or how much or on what.

Is she a good friend? Is she kind,funny,helpful? Does she hold DD's poverty against her,make fun if her? Does she pressure DD into spending above her means? Does she look down on DD for not having tutors,branded stuff etc?

These are the questions and things that should matter, not a thoughtless comment about how much the food shop is.

She is maybe a bit thoughtless but I can't see why you would hate her. She is still young and has time to understand that not everyone has what she has. And I agree with pp that there is no reason why you DC shouldn't go to uni.

and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t

If you are a low income then your DCs will be able to go to university,they will have larger loans but they will still be able to go.

Of course your children can go to university. What makes you think they can’t?

Your DD’s friend sounds very materialistic but I’m guessing she has had no reason in her life to need to understand the importance of money and she’s 15; teenagers can be really self absorbed and inconsiderate.

I agree that you sound jealous although I can understand why. Your DD clearly likes her friend and sees many features in her that means she wants to spend her time with her.

I get it. It’s rubbing your nose in it somehow.

We’ve had similar from my oh dc, name dropping, showing off, but that was when they were a lot younger, not quite teens

How does this make your dd feel? that’s the only thing that is important - try to focus on that and that alone.

She is naive, weren't we all at 15? The Waitrose comment deserves a sharp retort, though. 'Well, tell your mum to buy you some manners. They're on special offer this week.'
When she does get to university, she'll get a shock when she's buying her groceries. I remember being staggered by the price of boring things like soap powder. And she'll have dishwasher tablets on her list too!
Don't be too bitter, though. It was kind to buy your daughter a nce Christmas present and not her fault that you're struggling.

got DD better Christmas presents than we could
So she's generous.

told DD £85 was hardly anything
Depends on the context. "You shouldn't have paid so much." "It was hardly anything" is very different from "If you haven't got £85 then I don't think we can be friends."

when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
You started that. "We spend that" would often be responded with "we spend this". The Waitrose comment is a little tactless, but could be a teenager repeating the generally held perception that Waitrose is more expensive.

seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
We've had amazement we don't have a TV and the question "what do you watch then." It's just children finding out differences. She probably genuinely wondered how you clean them.

said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves
So do you honestly think her parents should have said "Well, darling, you would benefit from a tutor, but we won't get you one because other people can't afford one."?
If so, then you need to be aware that there's families who can't afford to buy a new pair of shoes, so I assume your dd is going round in shoes with holes in the bottoms.

I think you are doing your best for your kids but feel it’s not enough because you are comparing it to the girls family, and projecting that onto her. I don’t agree with the other posters who’ve said you are a horrible person, I think you are a bit confused or worried about how you feel towards the girl. If your daughter is upset or confused I’d explain to her that her friend is just naive and doesn’t understand but that money (however much you have) doesn’t make you a good or bad person, it’s how you behave towards others that counts. Let her make her own mind up about her friendship, she is old enough.
Re tutors - could you ask if the tutor would consider doing a group lesson to bring the cost down per student?
If your daughter wants to go to university she will have to work for it. She could get a job for a few years then go as a mature student when she knows more what she wants to do. Uni’s not the be all and end all. She’d be better off financially if she got an apprenticeship or trained in a trade.

Hating a child for belonging to a well off family seems just as bad as the reverse. DD's friend is too young and inexperienced to understand the full impact of what she says. She will inevitably be influenced by her parents. If she is a good friend to your DD than you need to accept her as she is.

I don't think you hate your daughter's friend. I think you feel inadequate when you compare all the material things her parents can afford that you can't. If I were you, I would stop focusing on those things and write a list of all the wonderful things about your own family life. Surely there are lots of meaningful discussions, traditions, in-jokes, daily kindnesses, etc. that are providing your daughter with a foundation of love, emotional intelligence and resilience. That foundation is worth much more than any amount of money.

I am not judging you, by the way, when I say you feel inadequate. It is understandable, but I think you want to rise above that and teach your daughter to value what really matters in life.

Take some of that energy you are directing towards comparing with your daughter's friend and do some volunteering as a family to help someone less fortunate. You will feel better and you will be teaching your kids some good values.

She bought your dd a lovely present.Just look at the positives in that.

Its not the friends fault you are poor,or you cant afford x,y and z.

Is she kind to your dd.If she is thats all that matters.

Not that great big chip on your shoulder.

Hating her is a bit extreme but I don’t suppose you do actually hate her. That’s just hyperbole born out of frustration. She’s being thoughtless and a bit rude and it makes you feel awful in case it bothers your daughter. It’s also immensely frustrating to witness someone taking their good fortune for granted in such a way. You feel that if your circumstances changed, your dc would appreciate things.
She’s being badly brought up. We live a very comfortable life now. It waste always that way and DD19 certainly remembers times of financial stress when our business was being established. There were plenty of times she could not have or do things that her friends could. Younger dd hasn’t experienced the same lifestyle at all. She doesn’t remember when things were tough but she knows that she has more than her friends. She wouldn’t dream of making the same remarks that your dd’s friend does. It’s tasteless and thoughtless and she’s been brought up to understand that she’s fortunate and to never be flashy or crass.

Your daughter’s friend’s parents are at fault but she’s in year 10. She’s 14 or 15 and that’s old enough to reflect on the feelings of others and how you might affect them with your words. “How do your dishes get clean?” seems to be a question designed to put someone down. It’s not such a fucking conundrum that it actually needed to be asked. I understand why you feel cross. It’s part of feeling protective towards your own family.