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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate DD’s friend

255 replies

MamTimesTwo · 22/01/2020 17:18

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

  • got DD better Christmas presents than we could
  • told DD £85 was hardly anything
  • when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
  • seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
  • said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

OP posts:
Juliette20 · 22/01/2020 18:41

when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”

Well, then you say "We find Aldi is better value for money." Just speak frankly but politely to her. 15 year olds can have some funny ideas, but unlike those of 45 year olds often are, they aren't set in stone. She is probably feeling insecure about something anyway.

Tombliwho · 22/01/2020 18:46

You hate a child because you are jealous of her. You need to work on yourself. She sounds a bit naive because she has been privileged. What's your excuse for being bitter and cruel?

Lovemusic33 · 22/01/2020 18:49

I’m a single mother, we don’t have dishwasher (never have), I spend £60 a week on food and my ds’s think £85 is a lot. Dd1 is going to go to uni, she’s sitting gcse this year and predicted 8’s and 9’s in all subjects, she doesn’t have a private tutor. My daughter takes no notice about what other kids have and wouldn’t take any notice of the comments this girl has made. I think you sound a bit bitter and jealous, I’m sure your dd probably isn’t that bothered.

tolerable · 22/01/2020 18:49

why cant your child go to uni? Does your child require extra help\tutoring?.The stark reality is-life isnt fair.your burdening what appears to be an ob;ivious to your reality child with your possibly entirely unmerited guilt...except the enforced limitations part.

motherheroic · 22/01/2020 18:50

This feels more like projection to be honest.

SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 22/01/2020 18:50

Don't think OP's coming back...

SnoozyLou · 22/01/2020 18:53

Yes you're being unreasonable. It isn't a 15 year old's fault you can't give your daughter everything you'd like. You seem to resent her because her parents can - again, not her fault. She may be lacking a filter, and come across as arrogant, but she is 15. And it is only stuff at the end of the day. No one lies on their deathbed saying "I really wish I'd bought my son that PlayStation 4 when he was 10", but I'm sure plenty say I wish I'd had more time with my children.

ddl1 · 22/01/2020 18:53

YABU to hate her! Some of her comments are extremely tactless (e.g. '£85 is hardly anything') but I don't think that she should be blamed for giving your dd expensive presents - I doubt that she's trying to compete with you! - or mentioning that she has a private tutor.

And at the age of 15 it's fairly normal to take what you have for granted. I had somewhat similar experiences at that age with my friends: not with regard to money, but with regard to health. Like most teenagers, they were at the peak of their energy, were physically able to run around everywhere, had no health restrictions, whereas I had chronic health problems (only later properly diagnosed as Crohn's disease) and had far more outings to doctors than to parties and concerts. Not only did they chatter a lot about all the things they were having a great time doing, but they sometimes implied that I was just being boring or babyish or over-influenced by adult fuddy-duddies if I couldn't do all that they did. (This was long before the recognition of invisible disabilities, especially in young people, was a 'thing'.) And yes, I did feel jealous and sometimes resentful. But ... they grew up and became much more understanding of the fact that not everyone is the same. They may for all I know also have resented me because at times I did have private tutors, to make up for all the schooling I missed through being ill. But hey-ho. At any rate, my parents never hated my friends or encouraged me to hate them.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 22/01/2020 18:53

Sounds like the girl just isn’t that self aware as opposed to being malicious.

Does sound like you are jealous of her though by mentioning the gift.

Think you need to swallow this one down OP

ScrambledEggsOnToast1 · 22/01/2020 18:54

She sounds like a little witch, but she's just acting like any spoilt 15 year old did when I was at school. I came from a poor family, my parents worked hard but just had no luck with redundancies etc etc. I went to the best state school in the area which also attracted some very wealthy families. Many of them were horrid and bullied the poor kids like me. The thing is I've grown up knowing the value of money and worked very hard to achieve good grades, I have a doctorate now. Many of the rich kids I went to school with underachieved and haven't amounted to much, granted they still have daddy funding them.

There is no reason your children can't achieve good grades, you don't need private tuition to pass exams. There's also absolutely no reason they can't go to university, you get a loan for the fees and pay it back once working and also have a loan or even a bursary if you come from a low income family to live on. Don't tell your children you can't afford to send them to uni (or do any other career they want to for that matter), it isn't true and very demoralising if they want to go. Oh and ignore the 15 year old.

TiddlestheCat · 22/01/2020 18:54

You are jealous and setting your own children up to have chips on their shoulders. So, she bought your daughter a nice present and you begrudge it? How about being happy for your daughter? It's not the girls fault that her parents are well off. Perhaps they work all hours/commute/make other sacrifices. Perhaps she misses out on their time? Many of my well off friends have stressful jobs and work such incredibly long hours. I wouldn't want that. Not everything is always as rosy as it appears.

SunshineAngel · 22/01/2020 18:55

She knows no better. She has been born into this lifestyle, and while she might be a bit spoilt because of it, nothing she's done or said seems unreasonable to me. You sound very jealous and petty, moaning about the lifestyle of a child.

There's no reason your children can't go to uni and no reason they can't do well on their exams. A private tutor doesn't solve everything automatically - the girl will still need to put a hell of a lot of work in.

So please, give your head a wobble, and realise that in this life you'll always come across people who have things you don't, and that's no reason to hate them .. particularly when they're a child!

AndwhenyougetthereFoffsomemore · 22/01/2020 18:55

She has a really different life experience to you and your dd, certainly, and because of that is being a little insensitive, maybe. But as others have said, lots of these are things that are just living her life in a normal way: to her, getting a friend a large present; spending £100 on groceries in Waitrose; having a dishwasher, a tutor and going to uni is normal for her but not to you. They are no big deal to her, however YOU are sensitive to them. It might be that other things that are normal to her but not to you are less 'loaded' to you: always having peas when you have fishfingers, taking your shoes off when you come into the house; having a glass of water by your bed: whatever.

If she's never had to worry about money (and she's a teenager, household money management isn't her job after all!) then she won't see these issues as more sensitive than shoe habits. Is that naive and a little tactless: sure. Is it worth hating? Hell no - in fact I'd be delighted that she is clearly judging your daughter's friendship worth holding onto and not merely judging her house or income.

You almost certainly have and do things she is jealous of or thinks are better than her household (what teen doesn't think other people's families are so much cooler?!). Don't let your resentment ruin your dd's freindship.

timetest · 22/01/2020 18:56

Year 10 is only 14 or 15. Your DDs friend will probably develope a bit of understanding when she’s older. Don’t hate her for being young and silly. Of course your DD can go to university if she so wishes.

Butchyrestingface · 22/01/2020 18:58

‘Hate’ is a strong word for a 15 yo girl who has, by your own lights, only said/done a few irritating things.

As for this:

got DD better Christmas presents than we could

Sounds like one of those situations where the girl can’t win. If she’d bought your daughter some cheap tat out of Poundland, doubtless you’d be complaining about what a mean little scrouge she was.

I take it £85 was what she spent on your daughter, @MamTimesTwo?

Dangermouse80 · 22/01/2020 18:58

She is still young to register value of money. I don't think it really hits home till you leave home.

Money and processions are much overrated. It is only when you are older that you appreciate things.
Also loving the phrase some people are so poor all they have is money!

AFistfulofDolores1 · 22/01/2020 18:59

I understand your anger. However, I really feel that it is your envy that's driving this. Your DD's friend is young and foolish. She doesn't know any better - and it is possible that she will grow up, learn more, and cringe at what she said when she was younger.

Your feelings towards her are essentially poisoning your own experience of life.

TacoLover · 22/01/2020 18:59

  1. would you rather that your DD had less nice things so you can feel better about your low income?

  2. why on earth would you think that your children won't be able to go to university?

FreakStar · 22/01/2020 19:01

It's good that your dd has a more affluent friend- it will show her that money buys a different lifestyle and that the struggles of a lower income can be overcome if she aims to go to university and get herself a better paid career than yours. It's also good for her friend to see that not everyone is as lucky as she is and to understand and have empathy with that.

FreakStar · 22/01/2020 19:02

I'd encourage this friendship for the sake of both girls.

SunsetBoulevard3 · 22/01/2020 19:02

It's not your daughter's friend's fault is it? Why would you hate her because she's been brought up differently? If your daughter likes her, that should be enough for you. You don't say your daughter feels bad about the comparisons but clearly you do. It's your problem. Don't project your own frustrations onto your daughter's friend.

Iggly · 22/01/2020 19:02

When you were a teenager OP, did you have a well rounded sense of the world?

Not many people do to be honest, even as adults.

She’s a teenager. You could smile and shrug at comments she makes. Help her to learn that her experiences aren’t the only ones but do it with grace.

If you’re unhappy with your life then think about what you can do to improve it. If you can’t, there’s no point hating someone who didn’t choose their life.

honeyloops · 22/01/2020 19:04

15 is plenty old enough to know when you're being insensitive, and she has obviously noticed the difference in lifestyle/wealth - so she isn't unaware and blithely making comments, she knows she has (materially) more than your DD and yet she continues to draw comparisons which highlight that. I disagree with lots of other PPs - I think she sounds a bit nasty. Certainly naïve, but also insensitive and not a very good friend...

Butchyrestingface · 22/01/2020 19:06

Well, unless OP comes back to clarify, I’m imagining a conversation in which she demanded to know how much the present cost.

Answer: £85.00

Hence the comments about £85.00 being equivalent to 2 weeks shopping.

Otherwise it all seems a bit of a random figure to pull out of the air. Confused

memberofseven · 22/01/2020 19:06

She's friends with your dd. You are the one with the problem. I had lots of friends that were much wealthier than me when I was young. It made me aspirational to be honest and now I'm one of the 5%. Don't stunt your dds dreams.