To hate DD’s friend

[MamTimesTwo]

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

• got DD better Christmas presents than we could
• told DD £85 was hardly anything
• when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
• seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
• said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

Your children can go to university, I went with no parental financial support as they couldn't afford it, and it was a case of budgeting but it was fine. No one in my family had ever been before, but there's every opportunity now.

She’s a thoughtless teenager, whats your excuse?

Your dd will know she is poor. All that is happening is that you are hearing what this friend of hers says. Other kids probably say similar stuff. Unfortunately by that ages differences in income and very evident and teens talk about them a lot. There is no point in hating this friend, unless she isn’t a good friend to your dd.

I don’t think she is being rude, she just genuinely doesn’t understand that other people live differently to her yet. She’s only 15 and will learn. You’re taking it personally because you feel bad that you can’t provide the same for your daughter and that’s completely understandable but I don’t think the friend intends harm.

You've got too many chips on your shoulders. The biggest one being University isn't for people like you. Maybe further education and a good well paid job might be a way for your daughter to provide more for herself and in time her own children.....

Of course they can go to uni! Jesus! I hope you don’t tell them shit like that!

People are shocked when they find out I don’t have a dishwasher. It’s not because I’m poor, I just think they are shit. Some people don’t have them, so what.

Also, she’s a child. Children say dumb shit. You don’t like her because she reminds you of what you don’t have. That’s not her fault. And hate, come on!

You live in a3 bed semi!, We live in a 2 bed terrace( only 1 DC) , our DD went to uni!!

I think you’re probably a little jealous

I voted you're being unreasonable,to say you "hate" this girl is appalling.

She's young and she will learn, but the root cause of your feelings is she represents everything you don't have.

This is not her fault. I can't say if you're life is yours. But there is no reason your kids can't go to uni. None at all. You do not have to pay towards that.

Start to focus on encouraging your kids, not by deciding you hate people who have what you don't and telling your kids they can't.

They can.

Girl sounds annoying but not on to hate her. Chill and rise above. You sound jealous and thats not a good look.

Without wanting to sound too hard I think you’re being a little childish in your dislike of her. She got your DD a lovely Christmas present so obviously thinks a lot of your child and cares about her enough to want to make her happy.

What this girl is doing is reminding you of the differences between what her parents can give their kids versus what you’ve been able to give yours, but she’s innocently ignorant about the sensitive nature of financial issues it because she doesn’t know what it’s like to be on the other side of the fence - oh and she’s a teenager so hasn’t got that far yet in her own maturity!

You simply have to make your peace with the notion that your family and her family’s financial positions are far away from each other and don’t compare them. You will never be happy if you try to compare your life with another’s.

She is being thoughtless rather than cruel. At 15 years old, with only experience of living in a well off family it would be very difficult for her to empathise.

YABU for telling your children that they can’t go to university. They can borrow the money they need and pay it back when they are earning enough to be able to afford this. Please don’t limit your kids’ aspirations in this way.

I know adults like this.

YAB completely U for thinking your children can’t go to uni. And for hating a teenage girl. But I get it must feel hard to see someone else’s privilege and feel resentful. Maybe you could use these conversations about money (if you must have them with a 15 year old) to educate her a little about how a good deal of people live.

She's 15, young and silly. She'll soon learn that bragging wont do her any favours. All children brag, just don't take it to heart and gently point things out to her to help her learn.

Most of the list isn’t her fault. How is it her fault that her parents spend over £100 a week and you spend £40 a week on a food shop?
Her parents are in a position to hire her a tutor but again, that isn’t her fault and her parents are helping with her education which is no bad thing.
She bought your daughter a nice gift probably because she thought her friend would like it, I very much doubt a 15 year old did it to rub your nose in it.

Sounds like you have jealously of this girl when most of it is no fault of her own! People shouldn’t have to be embarrassed because they have more or less money than their friends. When I see my friends, I don’t look at them and judge them on their money and I would hope that I am not judged on mine either (I’m not rolling it in, pretty average)

Your children can go to university! That's the most important thing here -- DD's friend is just a silly kid whose opinions don't matter.

You are limiting your daughter's ambitions. I'm sure you don't mean to, but your attitude seems to be that it's not worth trying. Children pick up what their parents think, even if you're not actually saying out loud "Know your place" and "Don't think big" and "It's not for the likes of us".

I'm sorry if you feel restricted by your low income, but I'm sure you want your DC to have better lives. Do you encourage them to read, to go to your local library, to take part in activities that cost little or nothing, to join groups and organisations that teach skills (Guides and Scouts are the ones I know) -- all ways to help them widen their horizons.

I hope this doesn't sound preachy, but children do need to be encouraged. And I hope you don't for a moment feel inferior to DD's rich friends. You sound disheartened at the moment, so you're not recognising all your own achievements.

Regarding not being able to afford a tutor, most people who can read and have a basic level of education can actually help their children in most subjects until at least GCSE level and beyond if they spend the time getting some workbooks and studying a bit themselves. It just takes time. I know a few immigrant families who barely spoke English who taught themselves English and verbal reasoning etc just to get their kids into grammar schools (they couldn't afford any type of tutoring) - these kids are now doing incredibly well. It is very important to have a "Can do" approach and high aspirations for your children. For example, never ever say "I was bad at maths" in front of them. You get similar with richer/academic types who say they can't mend a fence/do basis DIY etc - even if you haven't been taught a skill, as long as you apply yourself to a task you should be able to get there and there is so much free information on the internet.

Unfortunately some kids are like this. Its not really her fault though, its the way she is being raised.

Why won't your kids be able to go to uni? Them going to university doesn't have to cost you anything. As long as you teach your kids to live within their means, student loans and grants cover the fees and living expenses, and you have to be earning £21000 a year before you start paying anything back. After 30 years, it gets cancelled.

DD has two well off friends.

Brought cars for their 16th birthday, latest iPhone because it’s Tuesday, large houses with grounds, beat prom dresses makeup hair tan nails etc. Yes DD does feel its unfair when she has to go to work to earn her pennies, but she does it and likes having her own money to spend/save.

Out of the three of them she has the most savings and brought her own car/running costs on a part time job plus college.

I couldn’t be more proud.

Her friends still expect the earth on a plate with an egg on top.

I suppose at age 15 you were the model of sensitivity and decorum then?

Come on- she's bloody 15. Teenagers are known for being challenging and diva like. Plus its not her fault she was brought up privileged - if you want to blame someone, blame her parents for not teaching her the value of money

YABU; she is just a child and it is not her "fault" that her parents are wealthy.

It is okay for her to buy her friend nice Xmas gifts. If you are wealthy, £85 is quite little. It is perfectly possible to spend £100 a week at Waitrose; that doesn't mean you can't spend a lot less on groceries at any supermarket. If you've spent your entire life only using a dishwasher to clean your crockery, it is reasonable to be surprised that other families do not. It is perfectly acceptable for her parents to hire tutors whether your child attends the poorest state school or the most expensive private school; her education is her parents' choice.

Finally, can I please reiterate that she is a child? You cannot place adult expectations on her general knowledge, life skills, and experience. All children are born with limited knowledge and a heavy reliance on their immediate family. Eventually, they all grow up to know what they can personally afford and whether most of their friends can also afford similar things or not. If they are nice people, they also come to appreciate the things that they have but that usually takes some type of real-world juxtaposition. Buddha didn't understand until he left his palace and saw poor and sick people for the first time and he was about 30 years old. I don't see anyone slating Buddha for his childhood.

She doesn't know any different. Why these topics keep coming up, I'm not sure. I was taught it's rude to talk about finances. Ask your DD to stop telling you all this as you're not impressed my money.

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You're jealous of a child.. give yourself a head wobble and get a grip.

You sound bitter and tbh it's not her problem her parents brought her into a stable situation with more than enough money.