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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To hate DD’s friend

255 replies

MamTimesTwo · 22/01/2020 17:18

DD and her friend are in year 10. We don’t have much, I’m working 2 jobs, we live in a 3 bed semi in a very cheap area and always struggle to make ends meet, we have a teenage DS as well. DD’s friend was born into the top 5%, lives in a very expensive area etc. We couldn’t send the DC to sports clubs when they were little, friend could do what she wanted. We couldn’t get our kids what they wanted even for Christmas and birthday, friend always had mountains of presents and whatever she wanted all year, you get the picture.

DD’s friend has done a few things to annoy me recently:

  • got DD better Christmas presents than we could
  • told DD £85 was hardly anything
  • when she was told that £85 covers 2 weeks worth of food, said “we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”
  • seemed shocked that we don’t have a dishwasher and asked DD how we get our dishes clean
  • said her parents were getting her a private tutor when we can’t afford one and can’t help DD ourselves

AIBU to think that at 15 she should be able to understand what money is actually worth and that she shouldn’t take what she has for granted? I know it’s not really my business how much her parents have, but I hate the injustice that she keeps pointing out, and that she will be able to go to uni if she wants to, but my kids won’t.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 22/01/2020 18:18

Well you're not alone op in your resentment. But fortunately in the minority,

And to the poster who suggested she's bragging, I don't see it as that, she's just been insensitive.

Encourage your kids to be what they want to be. Don't kill their aspirations due to your own life choices.

Equanimitas · 22/01/2020 18:19

What a cow getting your DD nice Christmas presents.

Chillyourbeans · 22/01/2020 18:20

She's a child who needs a bit of life experiences to rub the sharp edges off - no need for hate. Of course your children can go to uni. Tbh, the massive chip on your shoulder is much more likely to hold them back than your financial situation.

Meruem · 22/01/2020 18:20

I was brought up believing that people like me (from poor families) didn't go to Uni and I believed it. I finally went when I was 35 and both my DC now have degrees (and I was a single parent for most of their lives). So before anything else you need to readjust your attitude on that. Your children will be limited by the ideas you impose on them. I always encouraged my DC to do better than me, and they have, and I couldn't be happier!

It's quite possible the present thing was done out of kindness to your DD and you should be happy she has a friend who cares that much. Sorry but I agree, you sound jealous and resentful.

I didn't have a lot of money when my DC were growing up but I think the trap you are falling into is believing that your version of the world is the only version there is. Even when we were poor I didn't limit my DC's by thinking that was the "real" world and we couldn't expect anything more from it. There is a big space between being on the poverty line and being in the top 5%. It's a space I currently occupy myself. There's no reason your DC can't be there too. But allowing them to see this resentment from you won't help them. You're turning it into an "us and them" situation.

CynthieRose · 22/01/2020 18:20

Please don’t tell your daughter that she can’t go to university.

Of course she can. The fees are loaned in full, and she’ll have a £10,000 maintenance loan to live off. If that’s not enough, she can get a part time job.

She’ll only have to start repayments once she’s earning £25,000 a year, and then only at 9% of her income above £25,000. It will be wiped after 30 years.

Our system doesn’t give you student debt, but a small graduate tax.

There is no child in the country who cannot go to university for financial reasons.

pomblewomble · 22/01/2020 18:26

“we spend over £100 per week, I guess you don’t shop at Waitrose though”

I'm sorry, but what teenager would ever say that?

You have a major chip on your shoulder.

And btw, living in a 3 bedroom semi is hardly poverty. That's more than a lot of people have got.

Khione · 22/01/2020 18:26

When I was that age a friend (who I only knew through another friend) was in a similar position financially.

She didn't say such things in my parents hearing because we were never at mine - why would we be, she had her own self contained flat on the top storey of their large, landed house at the posh end of time.

Our mutual friend and her kept in touch over the years and I met up with her at my friends house recently. We were reminiscing and she was telling me how envious she always was of me because my mum did things with me. Taught me to cook and bake, went on seaside holidays (she went on cultural ones), went into Derbyshire picking bilberries etc etc.

For you to hear these things this child is, I guess, at your house. Ever wondered why she is there? Surely there is more room at hers but just maybe she prefers yours.

IdblowJonSnow · 22/01/2020 18:27

My dd is 9 and has known for literally years not to say shit like this to people. We arent wealthy but mine are lucky enough to have lots of things like brownies and swimming and music lessons. They might not really 'get it' but we tell them they're lucky and not everyone has that.
I know its cheesy and easy to say but love and having a laugh really do count the most.
Also while the loans are daunting, could your kids not access uni if they wanted to?

user1493494961 · 22/01/2020 18:28

You sound very bitter.

chocolateteapot20 · 22/01/2020 18:29

In my life I've been dirt poor (as a kid), average income (working overseas but tax free so standard of living was very comfortable), and "ordinarily poor" (now) after a stint of "dirt poor" in between those last two (due to illness).

I think it's very, very difficult for people who've always been very comfortable, and who have no idea whatsoever that even their circumstances may one day change, to have any concept of how hard it is if you've always had to worry about money. One thing they don't understand is how hard it is to cope with the concept of borrowing huge sums of money for an education that might or might not have a decent ROI at the end of it. There is always the fear that you might not be able to pay that money back.

I would not have been able to do any of the educational courses I did without a full grant (uni/teaching) and support from my employer (course fees and time off to study). My sense of being socially and financially inferior to everyone around me has never left me and never will. I was one of the lucky ones, though. I had fabulous teachers at school, especially in 6th form, and since very few kids stayed on at 6th form in my school, effectively we had small group/individual tutoring. At home, to put this into context, while my parents were in favour of education, The Guardian and The Times were regarded as terribly snooty and high brow, and the paper my dad "read" was the Sun. Going to uni was a HUGE culture shock, not least because I encountered lots of people from the same background as it sounds like your DD's friend comes from. In the years since I've met people from a range of backgrounds, from very wealthy old money to homeless on the street without a penny to their name. I've met many people who started with God knows how many advantages in life who've made an utter mess of things, and as many more who started with nothing and have managed to carve out a reasonable life for themselves.

Depending on where you live, there may be bursaries and support available to help your DD, but to be blunt, when you're as poor as I was growing up, you either assume they're not for you or you never hear about them in the first place. University is for rich kids is the perception (and £27k for tuition fees alone might be peanuts to some people but it's more than a year's salary to look after a home and family for many others). I've studied at 3 universities, been employed by 1 more, and had "Honorary" status at a 5th. At 3 of those universities the students, and the lecturers, were primarily from what marketing/market research folk call the AB social categories, with a smattering of C1 and the very, very occasional D. The other 2 unis were very different; one was a former poly, so you could do a course and come out employable without having to do another year of study; and one was in a particular part of the UK where state education is generally very good indeed and students usually stay at home or at least within the province to study.

With regards to tutoring, it might be worth looking into the charity intouniversity.org which I only found out about recently. Once upon a time the OU would have been an option, or part-time study, but these days they're just as extortionate as the mainstream universities. I also don't know if it might be of interest, and heaven knows how Brexit is going to affect things, but there are some universities in Europe which offer free/funded university courses, some of which are taught in English. A friend is studying an MA that is funded (she has to pay for the study schools, of which there have been two, one per year).

I think we're way too hung up on degrees as a measure of intelligence and worth in the UK (and I say that as someone who has studied A LOT). Unfortunately even now many teachers go straight into teaching from university so it doesn't even cross their mind there are alternative paths out there.

There are other options, like apprenticeships, or vocational qualifications. My sister doesn't have a degree; she started on what was then one of the Modern Apprentice Schemes, got her basic set of qualifications to NVQ 4 in a profession; and her company has paid, over the years, for her to take more professional qualifications. She definitely earns more than I do, for all the pieces of academic wallpaper I've collected! Plus she was happier in her job which is much more important.

Some of the "milkround" recruiters like the Accounting Firms also take 'A' level students as employees, and again, train them up over the years. I also know of people who had their degrees funded by the Armed Forces. So full-time university is not the only option...

pomblewomble · 22/01/2020 18:30

And of course your children can go to university. If you have zero money they will get the biggest possible loan.

My brother has just left uni and my mother (who raised four of us on her own, all of whom have gone to university) couldn't afford to give him a bean. He lived off the 6k maintenance loan he got, and worked alongside studying.

Blacksackunderthetreesfreeze · 22/01/2020 18:31

Hate is a bit of a strong word. I’d pity her a bit as she’s going to get a terrible shock at some point!

LIZS · 22/01/2020 18:32

Friend takes what she has for granted but you seem oversensitive to her vocalising this. Perhaps you are projecting your insecurities a little. It is not her fault that there is a discrepancy in income and lifestyle. Your dc can still have opportunities to go to uni etc if they so choose and you allow them that aspiration.

Keepontrucking2020 · 22/01/2020 18:33

She’s 15.

I didn’t really know how much things cost or how other people lived at 15. I knew some people were wealthy and others not but honestly I didn’t put much thought into it.

She might learn when she’s an adult.

That said, I work with a couple of people born into wealth who still have no clue

AmbitiouslyFit · 22/01/2020 18:34

Ofcourse your kids can go to uni! What happened to student loans ?

MojoMoon · 22/01/2020 18:34

Your daughter can go to university.

Please don't tell your children they can't.

They will be entitled to a range of bursaries for low income students plus full loans (which are not like credit card debt - if they are not earning, they don't pay anything. Think of it more like a tax, it comes straight out of their pay packet)

If your children can get the grades, they can and should go to university

Tellmetruth4 · 22/01/2020 18:35

I’d cringe if someone repeated some of the absolute shit I came out with at 15 back to me. She doesn’t know any better and she’s clearly very fond of your DD. Ignore it and never tell your kids they can’t go to uni. If they have the grades they’ll get in.

Anuta77 · 22/01/2020 18:35

Hating her is useless. YOu didn't say what your DD says about it, but if she feels bad, then I would talk to her about the value of things and people.
My DS is constantly asking me for things because "all his friends have them" and I have to repeat over and over that it's not things that make you happy or a better person. Attack the problem, if it's not the friend, someone else could potentially make your DD feel bad because they have more (like on social media for example), so you'd better equip her with skills to deal with that.

whiplashy · 22/01/2020 18:35

the massive chip on your shoulder is not this girl’s fault

Nsky · 22/01/2020 18:37

I’d like to add that I went to a private primary school from 4 to 12, then a comprehensive just setting up, what a nightmare merging a grammar and comprehensive together.
We lived in a big house, and were largely asset rich, cash poor, after my honesty that I got teased over , I largely was vague , after bullying there, I moved to a much better comprehensive.
I knew I was fortunate to have what I did and others were less well off.
Both my sons did too, ignorance in this girls part is not her fault

Bakedbrie · 22/01/2020 18:37

The girl is tactless and clearly your DD can see this otherwise she wouldn’t have singled out and relayed these comments to you...would she?

Pollyanna789 · 22/01/2020 18:38

She wouldn't have bought your DD a "better present than you can afford" as a dig at you.
She's only young, and probably has no idea that you feel so bitter against her (I would hope not anyway).

user1471449295 · 22/01/2020 18:39

Give your head a wobble OP. She’s a child. You sound jealous, immature and spiteful.

CakeandCustard28 · 22/01/2020 18:40

She sounds pretty nice buying your DD a decent Christmas present. Not sure why you’re jealous of a child it’s not her fault.

Thestrangestthing · 22/01/2020 18:40

My ds has 2 friends like this. Thseir go to insult when they are having a little argument is to tell him he's poor because he loves in a small house Hmm. Wete not poor, we earn an OK wage between us, but we choose to have a smaller house so we can have spare cash. Unfortunately these kids have it all. They have been saying thingsike this since they were about 9.
Not the children's fault though, just what they have come to believe from the attitude of their parents (who I know all came from not much, have just got lucky with jobs and inheretance).

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