Child care by grandparents not working out

[Onlyforthis2]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Signed up to give one person advice, hense the username, but find myself needing to ask opinions.

My mum and dad have very kindly provided free childcare one day a week since November when I increased my hours at work. When the arrangement came about DH and I agreed that we would only increase my hours if we could afford nursery for that extra day should grandparents childcare fall through. All good.
As much as it works well for us, my parents love having DS once a week and frankly don't shut up about it the rest of the week either! Which makes this next bit even more difficult.

Yesterday, got home from work to find DS over tired and all in a fuss. Fine, annoying for me but take it he's had fun with them so just deal with it. Then find DM is patting DS on the bum using more force than I was comfortable with and playfully saying 'naughty'. I straight away said no we don't pat like that or use the word naughty. The patting especially alarmed me for some reason. Anyway, DS then slaps me on the face and DM on the back. So I explain to DS that we don't hit and explain to DM that that DS doesn't know the difference between a pat and a hit so me telling him not to hit and them patting him will be confusing. They seemed to understand. It did bring back some awful memories for me being punished with a slap as a child though and I felt uneasy.

Then find out DS routine was all out of sorts, having lunch 2 hours late, sleeping in his buggy (explains the over tiredness, sleep was not long enough and of poor quality) due to DM deciding she had things to do in town and dragging DS around with her.
DM has in the past not fed DS enough despite me preportioning (leftovers) because she didn't feel he needed it. Has slapped DS hand when he bit her once. DF has also tried to force parenting styles on me and Dh a few times too.

I feel I should just stop it and put DS in nursery the extra day. It's an additional 200 pound a month for us but is there really a price on your kids being somewhere you have no doubts about?

So my AIBU is more of a WWYD.
Would you use nursery for those days?
Trial DS in nursery the extra day for a while to see if behaviour and routine improves?
And how on earth do I sack my parents?! They're the types to hold a grudge and I will have other family on the phone within minutes asking how I could be so mean.
Please help!
DS is 16 months if that's relevant

"a tap on the hand after biting someone is a lot different than a slap"

No it isn't; it's just the MN way of minimising smacking

• unless it is a genuine tap like you would do to another adult,

e.g. that you wouldn't mind if your DP did to you because you didn't hear him asking you something important.

No nursery would "tap"
They would be immediately stopped from continuing in business, if they allowed "tapping"

It's legal to smack and the OP & her OH can choose to do so, but they are completely NBU to forbid it.

However, much of the rest sounds BU:

objecting to the GP taking him around in their daily routine
and saying "No" or "naughty"

Also, are they genuinely not giving him enough food,
or is it that they don't belong to the constant snacking generation ?

So will you never leave DS with them, or are you going to pick and choose? If DS had chicken pox, for example, would you and dh always take time off or would expect gps to step in?

I think the key thing for me is how your DS feels about it. If he seems happy and relaxed with his DGP and keen to go to them then they probably aren't doing him any harm, though they might be flouting your methods a bit.

You're lucky to have parents willing to do this for you as a regular commitment, as I'm sure you know only too well. I wouldn't be too quick to give it up unless you feel really uncomfortable about how they are managing him.

Sorry, missed a load of pages somehow. If you can afford it and it makes you feel happier having him in daycare, I'd go with the suggestion that you would rather have them as grandparents than childminders.

Wow. YABU & anal, not to mention ungrateful. Your poor parents.

There's fitting in and there's being ignored. I see grandparents sitting in cafes chatting to their friends with bored looking 3 year olds strapped into pushchairs not being talked to.

And I’ve seen even more parents sitting in cafes chatting to their friends with bored looking three year olds strapped into pushchairs not being talked to.

Wait. You just said you realise why you left MN

Yet in your first post you said long time lurker. First time poster

Hmmmmm

My children have never ever bitten me. Not even once! Not even playing. Children shouldn’t bite. I have one with SEN too which makes it hard. But alas. Had never bitten

Nor have my children ever slapped me....Again. Never in play

I would put him in the nursery

If they were so so awful with you? Why did you leave your most precious pride and joy with them? That makes no sense?

I had a violent stepfather. No way would he ever been alone with my kids. Never ever.

My children have never ever bitten me. Not even once! Not even playing. Children shouldn’t bite

Lots of children go through a biting stage. It’s just luck if you end up with the biter, he bitten or neither at that age

My children have never ever bitten me. Not even once! Not even playing

Neither have mine, but I’m not naive enough to believe that this is down to my superior parenting. Some have a biting phase, some don’t.

Just pay for childcare then. It's your mum and dad I feel sorry for. You are typical of an overbearing first time parent who thinks they know best about everything. Honestly, when your children are grown you'll regret being so ... picky

You could say it’s for tax purposes. I used to use childcare vouchers paid from my wages which obviously brought my pay down before tax so I paid less tax on it? It’s been quite a while since I used them but maybe look into this type of scheme?

everyone I know who uses grandparents faces the same issue:
- grandparents unwilling to stray from their own routine or day to day activities so naps ignored or toddlers/bigger children strapped into a pram all day & expected to just sit there while grandma shops/meets friends.
- either overfeeding with sugary crap or underfeeding.
- no patience/memory of what young toddlers are like and quickly resorting to discipline that would be considered unacceptable today.
- awkwardness around payment etc

Well, in the case of me and my GP friends, none of the above apply.
I follow the 'rules'. If I don't, it's discussed first.
Oh, and no payment is asked for, so no awkwardness.

I'm on the side of the OP and I'm looking at it from a child-minding grandparent's point of view.

I'm on the side of the OP and I'm looking at it from a child-minding grandparent's point of view.

You are worthy of your username. . .

@Herringbone31

I have asked the same repeatedly and been ignored

I also found it impossible to work alongside my own mother and brought back a lot of memories I wish I had forgotten. I think routine is not that important for them as it is for you. Routine IS important and I am glad you acknowledge it and the power it has on your son's behaviour. Any changes, even if little, do impact the way they behave. Whilst reading the other comments, I do not believe your parents are bad intentioned or cannot cope. I believe they can, but they want and will do it in THEIR OWN WAY. They go buy the motto "I have been there, done that, I know better than you". And this is when the problems arise. As with my own mother. She was sent home after a week. Sorry to say, but you will need to cope on your own. Sounds like a dream come true to have free childcare knowing that your son is looked after by someone you trust, but in reality it's not stress free, I am afraid.

Herringbone31 Count yourself lucky! As another poster said, a lot of children do this. Do you think I go around teaching my child to bite or scratch? He is 10 months and started doing it when he gets upset or frustrated - ex. when I change his nappy or clothes and he wants to play instead. It is normal behaviour especially for boys and it is just a PHASE. With the right guidance they will grow out of it. I absolutely hate when people think they are above others or other mothers because their children are "oh so perfect"...my child would never...well good for you!

Chrissyho - not all GPs want to do it their way - I know that I fall over myself to do things as the parents wish. And - while the children know that I am in control when it is just us - as soon as parent arrives I refer them to parent if they ask permission to do something (e.g. watch TV, have a biscuit). Ask Mummy - she is here now.

But it does not harm children to see that people have different views about how things are done and still they love and respect each other. It is part of learning tolerance.

My DDs have never once had cause to complain about what the children do when they are with me - and they are always very grateful for all the money they have saved! They also seem to value the relationships that I have been able to build with their children. This is why I feel that the OP needs to change the child care without causing a rift - I am sure it can be done.

@Chrissyho

Yes. I am the PERFECT parent....my kids are very well behaved. If I’m honest. Maybe I was lucky? Maybe I’m just awesome and amazing.....damn right girl!!!

ChrissyHo I was with you until you said this especially for boys
At this age any differences between boys and girls are caused by them being parented differently. If you do the boys with be boys, then you are making excuses.

I would say to the parents thank you so much for all the childcare but we have decided to do both days in nursery for continuity and leave occasional care/babysitting to you so you are not tied.
I got sacked by my DIL after 3 years of childcaring the week after my son asked me would I manage the two of them. It was done bluntly and I was upset by the way it was done, they still wanted me to care for the youngest. Just be tactful and dont make any criticism

crispy ... the OP won’t answer as she doesn’t like the fact that she’s being challenged and doesn’t like the harsh reality of what she’s being told.

chrissy ... please don’t blame certain behaviours as because they’re a boy .... boys, girls - no difference.

@karencantobe The bit about the "boys more than girls" came from my son's nursery actually. Maybe I am wrong repeating it. But I was a nanny for a few years and looking after boys was more of a challenge than looking after girls.

@Mischance Not all GPs are the same, of course, but I am talking about the ones I know.

@Whattodo1610 Same reply: The bit about the "boys more than girls" came from my son's nursery actually. Maybe I am wrong repeating it. But I was a nanny for a few years and looking after boys was more of a challenge than looking after girls.