Child care by grandparents not working out

[Onlyforthis2]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Signed up to give one person advice, hense the username, but find myself needing to ask opinions.

My mum and dad have very kindly provided free childcare one day a week since November when I increased my hours at work. When the arrangement came about DH and I agreed that we would only increase my hours if we could afford nursery for that extra day should grandparents childcare fall through. All good.
As much as it works well for us, my parents love having DS once a week and frankly don't shut up about it the rest of the week either! Which makes this next bit even more difficult.

Yesterday, got home from work to find DS over tired and all in a fuss. Fine, annoying for me but take it he's had fun with them so just deal with it. Then find DM is patting DS on the bum using more force than I was comfortable with and playfully saying 'naughty'. I straight away said no we don't pat like that or use the word naughty. The patting especially alarmed me for some reason. Anyway, DS then slaps me on the face and DM on the back. So I explain to DS that we don't hit and explain to DM that that DS doesn't know the difference between a pat and a hit so me telling him not to hit and them patting him will be confusing. They seemed to understand. It did bring back some awful memories for me being punished with a slap as a child though and I felt uneasy.

Then find out DS routine was all out of sorts, having lunch 2 hours late, sleeping in his buggy (explains the over tiredness, sleep was not long enough and of poor quality) due to DM deciding she had things to do in town and dragging DS around with her.
DM has in the past not fed DS enough despite me preportioning (leftovers) because she didn't feel he needed it. Has slapped DS hand when he bit her once. DF has also tried to force parenting styles on me and Dh a few times too.

I feel I should just stop it and put DS in nursery the extra day. It's an additional 200 pound a month for us but is there really a price on your kids being somewhere you have no doubts about?

So my AIBU is more of a WWYD.
Would you use nursery for those days?
Trial DS in nursery the extra day for a while to see if behaviour and routine improves?
And how on earth do I sack my parents?! They're the types to hold a grudge and I will have other family on the phone within minutes asking how I could be so mean.
Please help!
DS is 16 months if that's relevant

ChintzFlowers You are so right, i worked in Daycare for years and i wouldnt leave the fleas off my cat in one

Oh and nurseries, ? Staffed by teenagers, who couldnt care less, with no qualifications, on drugs, if it’s anything like a girl we know who works at one

What a bizarre load of bullshit. If that's true you need to report the nursery.

Op I agree do what you want.
But nurseries do not stick to a child's routine. Because every child starts with a different routine. They impose their own routine on all kids.
And you say she had not fed DS all the food because she did not feel he needed it. Do you mean he didn't want it? It is unhealthy to try and force a normal child to eat when they don't want to. If he is of a healthy weight, he should eat when he is hungry and stop when he is full. Not be encouraged to carry on eating. Any decent nursery will do the same.

Oh and nurseries, ? Staffed by teenagers, who couldnt care less, with no qualifications, on drugs, if it’s anything like a girl we know who works at one

So because you know one girl who works at a nursery who is on drugs, all nursery workers are on drugs? What a bizarre conclusion!

OP I’m a SAHM and sometimes my DS has to be out of his routine because I have things to do, or the older DC need to go somewhere/do something. I don’t think that’s too much of an issue really. Are you saying you’ve always completely stuck to his routine, no deviations?
I wouldn’t like the smacking/tapping at all, but you said you’ve spoken to them about it and they understood? So I’d imagine that means they won’t do it again?

YANBU. Your parents need to look upon their time with your child as "work" and behave accordingly. By that I mean they should take instructions from you and follow them as closely as possible. They need to be reminded that this is not their child and they are not responsible for her upbringing and don't have carte blanche to do their own thing.

And the food thing is a bit odd... do you have set amounts of food that you feed him every day regardless of his appetite? Sometimes mine have fruit and yoghurt after their dinner. Sometimes, if they’ve eaten plenty of dinner and don’t need anything else, I won’t give it to them. If my 12 month old is grumpy after his nap I offer him a snack, if he’s fine and playing happily I don’t. Unless they failed to provide him with an entire meal?

If anyone hit didn't feed my child enough they definitely wouldn't be looking after them ever again so I'd definitely go down the nursery route.

Feel for you OP your child comes first but backlash from disgruntled parents will be really exhausting for you.

Based on the patting and food scenarios I would phrase it as - i think he is being a touch too much of a handful because he is getting bigger and missing the rough and tumble of nursery on the days he isn't there so we are going to try upping his hours then we can all come and spend time with you of a weekend etc! Might lessen the inevitable grumping

A good nursery can stick closely to a child's routine and will be well staffed. DD (17 months) goes to a local nursery with a student there who she absolutely adores. She much prefers her nursery time to days with PIL who parade her around Tesco, the bank, their mates (they could literally do this any day rather than wheeling round a squirming toddler who doesn't really want to be in the buggy for long). Observe your child and what they are saying they want because DD is clear in her behaviour what she prefers. It might not be popular because I guess it sounds a bit ungrateful to PIL but I respect the thoughts and feelings of my child which always come first to me. The final nail in the coffin for PIL was stating they would be implementing a star chart for good behaviour- with a 17 month old with no behavioural issues and only 2 days pw. No thanks.

Your mother is telling/has told your 16 month old that he's "naughty"... so that's what he's being. It's a self-fulfilling prophecy, I'm afraid, and you really need to stamp down on it before your son actually believes that he's naughty and shows you that in his behaviour, consistently.

As a child I was always being smacked/slapped and told that I was naughty, when I was anything but. My mother's way of parenting apparently drove my grandparents to despair, and they did everything they could to ensure that I knew I wasn't the problem: she was. As a result, I grew up unable to trust my mother's reactions to everything - and it's confusing for a small child to be hit and told that they're naughty by someone they instinctively look to for comfort/nurturing. I didn't act out (I was too frightened of being smacked if I did, because very often it was with whatever was in her hand at the time - I went to school with a blackening eye when I was 14 because she'd a shoe in her hand when I was trying to leave so that I wasn't late, and she was "talking" at me), but I could just as easily have done so. I know a few whose parents were similar to mine, who did act out - and their lives as adults aren't fantastic.

If you can afford it, let your parents be grandparents not childminders... but be aware, if they abused you in some way, then they will do the same to your child(ren), in all probability.

It's fine to label a behavior as "naughty" or tell a child they're being naughty. The idea in schools and childcare was to refrain from continually labelling the child as the naughty child as this would become part of their self image and in effect become a self fulfilling prophecy. It's therefore advised to reward good behavior and implement consequences for naughty behavior.

The word Naughty isn't a damaging word though!

Writerandreader

There's fitting in and there's being ignored. I see grandparents sitting in cafes chatting to their friends with bored looking 3 year olds strapped into pushchairs not being talked to.

I dont think its "being anal about routine" to think that an 18m old needs to be giving an opportunity to nap whether in a pushchair or cot, and that it's not fair (for example) to regularly wake that child after only 20 mins because they are nodding off daily at a time that doesn't suit grandma or grandad. Children do need sleep. There has to a bit of compromise on both parts.

Elbeagle

I have pretty much stuck to my child's routine, yep. From the outset we worked to get her into a routine that fitted around her brothers pre school pick up and drop off. There's loads of choice of baby groups etc so it's easy to choose ones that work.

Obviously there is a rare instance where we have something to do that has no flexibility (a doctor's appointment etc) but this is maybe 2 or 3 times a year. It's very easy to fit everything else around a daily nap. I can't think of anything we do that we struggle with really.

I do think you're over reacting a little and I did have to laugh at "explaining" to DS that we don't hit - I am pretty sure no 16 month old understands a serious conversation where you "explain" such things.

However, at the end of the day, it's your DS and you do have the right to set boundaries and rules.

Personally, I'd compromise - it IS a long day for older people to have a small child so perhaps send him to nursery for a half day with your parents fetching him after lunch or whatever? So they still have him and get that relationship but he gets more routine and less "dragging around town" (for the record, I think grandparents taking the child into town to do chores is pretty much fine as it's the same as a parent would do. That kind of thing would only not be okay in properly paid, professional childcare. And even then, in certain circumstances, would still be fine...)

This is more to do with your childhood, than your own child's. The things you mention sound quite minor (tapping hand, saying naughty, late nap etc) and I'm sure they don't happen every day. You clearly have an issue with your parents parenting style and are not happy with them caring for your child.

If you prefer to pay nursery fees for the extra days, you should do this, but don't magnify your DMs shortcomings, be honest with yourself.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland fab, glad you’ve managed it. I have found it trickier for various reasons, but nice to know there are better parents out there than me .

'Dp, thanks very much for looking after ds for all these weeks, it's been lovely to see your relationship build. However I was concerned after the events this week and it's become apparent that it's become too much and I don't want it to spoil your relationship. So we've decided to put him in nursery that extra day. Don't worry you'll still see him plenty. Thanks again.

Change him to nursery if your want but don't blame the actions described in your OP.
Just say you want him to go to FT nursery.

WWYD? I would leave him with his grandparents and relax a bit.

However it sounds like you have trust issues so the situation is likely to deteriorate if it continues.

You're massively overreacting, he deserved a tap if he bit her.I think he will get a lot more staying with his GP's than stuck in a nursery.

absolutely ridiculous you're now not allowed to call a child naughty ffs

Of course you’re ‘allowed’ to call a child naughty, no one is going to arrest you or anything. It’s just there are certain schools of thought that advise against it.

You didn't like the way they brought you up what makes you think they'll be any different with your own children?
they're older now and even more convinced that their way is the right way, they will see this as you looking a gift horse in the mouth

Is 'tapping' a regional word for smack? I've noticed a few posters referring to a smack as a tap that's all.

You must do as you see fit, but honestly, what you have described doesn't sound too horrendous to me. If you had more children, would you be restricting the older childrens' lives because of the baby? Can't go to the park, baby needs his nap at home? Must get back home, baby needs his lunch now? I know I'd value the individual attention he's getting above any advantages you'd perceive at nursery, especially at his age. I think it's reasonable to ask them not to smack him, but telling him that some behaviour is naughty won't hurt him. I know that I was smacked as a child, and I've no doubt I was told I was naughty, because that was what parents said then, but I don't remember it, it taught me right from wrong.... (the naughty bit, not the smacking)

I think nursery would be the best option here, you have two people going against your parenting skills and that enough would put me off having them look after my child. If you feel as if they would hold a grudge, it just screams that they don't want to listen or understand your view of parenting your child. Any normal parent would want to listen and would respect your rules/routines. Don't feel bad or guilty for making the best choices for your child, if they get moody about it that's ultimately their issue. I would rather pay the excess amount knowing my child is safe and well looked after instead of putting them in someone's care wondering and worrying what's happened throughout the day. Be firm, your are the parent at the end of the day, don't feel an inch of guilt!