Child care by grandparents not working out

[Onlyforthis2]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Signed up to give one person advice, hense the username, but find myself needing to ask opinions.

My mum and dad have very kindly provided free childcare one day a week since November when I increased my hours at work. When the arrangement came about DH and I agreed that we would only increase my hours if we could afford nursery for that extra day should grandparents childcare fall through. All good.
As much as it works well for us, my parents love having DS once a week and frankly don't shut up about it the rest of the week either! Which makes this next bit even more difficult.

Yesterday, got home from work to find DS over tired and all in a fuss. Fine, annoying for me but take it he's had fun with them so just deal with it. Then find DM is patting DS on the bum using more force than I was comfortable with and playfully saying 'naughty'. I straight away said no we don't pat like that or use the word naughty. The patting especially alarmed me for some reason. Anyway, DS then slaps me on the face and DM on the back. So I explain to DS that we don't hit and explain to DM that that DS doesn't know the difference between a pat and a hit so me telling him not to hit and them patting him will be confusing. They seemed to understand. It did bring back some awful memories for me being punished with a slap as a child though and I felt uneasy.

Then find out DS routine was all out of sorts, having lunch 2 hours late, sleeping in his buggy (explains the over tiredness, sleep was not long enough and of poor quality) due to DM deciding she had things to do in town and dragging DS around with her.
DM has in the past not fed DS enough despite me preportioning (leftovers) because she didn't feel he needed it. Has slapped DS hand when he bit her once. DF has also tried to force parenting styles on me and Dh a few times too.

I feel I should just stop it and put DS in nursery the extra day. It's an additional 200 pound a month for us but is there really a price on your kids being somewhere you have no doubts about?

So my AIBU is more of a WWYD.
Would you use nursery for those days?
Trial DS in nursery the extra day for a while to see if behaviour and routine improves?
And how on earth do I sack my parents?! They're the types to hold a grudge and I will have other family on the phone within minutes asking how I could be so mean.
Please help!
DS is 16 months if that's relevant

The thing with nursery is you don't actually see whats going on most of the time and you know what your parents are doing.
Explain about the patting/hitting, a tap on the hand really isn't that major, but obviously you don't want it happening again. The word naughty I don't like to use but DH is always teasing DS about being naughty., I hope you have more success than I do with that one.
Your DS probably enjoys going to town in his buggy and in childcare they often don't eat anything.
I leave DS with my parents a couple of days a week and just accept they parent differently and ds is very happy with them

The problem is no matter where your DC go, they will not be looked after 100 percent the way you want them to be. Whether that's with family or paid for child care. Things like naps, routine and food are not hills I would choose to die on. They will change anyway and it is best for your DC to learn they need to adapt and adjust to different routines. It's not all about them.

There are obviously things you are not happy with about your own upbringing and it's because of this I'm surprised you allowed them to have DC.

IME, I've only ever asked family to look after my DC for a couple of hours a day between my shift beginning and DH's shift ending. I figured not much harm could come in a couple of hours. Even then, it was not a long term solution and now we use a childminder. Keep family for the fun visits, let them spoil the DC etc.

Why are you even asking? Just stop the arrangement

The routine is one of those things that sometimes goes awry because things need to be done. That can happen at nursery as well

The hitting is an issue and you should go with your gut

The smacking (you call it 'tapping) is wrong. For this alone use nursery.

I had a similar situation with my inlaws. They wanted it to continue but i was ready for it to end as found the whole thing stressful (no worry re their care apart from mil not bein mobile and i saw my dd run out of house several times which worried me). Took six months of me sugguesting nursery to dh until they agreed but even now it gets mentioned they like to restart. My dd learns so much at nursery and im not stressed. Im grateful for their help but sold it as unfair on them. Its hard op but has to be carefully managed. If you unhappy withthe care that is

She dragged him about in his buggy because she had things to do? Free childcare means he need to fit in with their lives. You have described your parents in the worst light ever and you obviously don't think they were fit parents so why would you allow them to look after your child? Oh yes, because it was free! Fed up of these self righteous posts, look after your own child or pay for it! I am actually offended on behalf.of your parents.

I don’t understand why you let them look after your child if they slapped you growing up.

Did people miss the bit where she said about hitting when he bit?!

Tapped has hand .

@Thestrangestthing yeah teaching him it's ok to hit when someone does something you don't like.

Communication is key. Have it all out with your parents and explain how strongly you feel about smacking. Tell them you will put DS in nursery if they won't stick to your rule on this.

It doesn't sound as though they are nasty people who will abuse their grandson. You say yourself how much they love having him. That said, it's also worth reviewing the situation and asking how they are coping with it?
Perhaps your mum is finding it more difficult than expected? You mention some issues with your son biting, hitting and crying/fussing at the end of the day. It's possible your mum will be relieved if you find other childcare?
Of course make it clear that your parents will still see their grandson and have a relationship with him.

Not what I said, but it was the norm when they were raising children and I'm sure it's been a while since they had small children. I didn't say hitting children was OK, but they toon on board what the OP said about hitting. What more does she want?

@Thestrangestthing she wants us to tell her what we would do. Hence the 'WWYD' in her OP.

To be honest she knows what she wants and she's just asking for approval - which she obviously doesn't need from us.

I think the routine issue is a bit precious of you. You can't expect someone looking after your child as a favour to be absolutely beholden to the routine you set. I have very very often disregarded DD's routine especially if we're just talking about the difference between her napping in her cot and napping in the pushchair. As long as she had the opportunity to nap it shouldn't matter that much what receptacle you put them in!

Everything else is an issue and I think absolutely grounds to just book the extra day at nursery.

I know you're worried about upsetting your parents but

a) it will be far more upsetting and have longer lasting consequences if you persevere and then have a massive blow up about this at a later date

b) the security, comfort, happiness of your child comes first

I think you should find positive reasons for moving to nursery on that day and explain those to your parents.

It's different as I didn't have to worry about upsetting anyone but I had niggles about DD's old nursery and just didn't feel confident leaving her there. We switched nurseries and now I can drop her off knowing she is going to be happy, entertained, cared for and do stimulating structured activity. It's made a massive difference to my guilt levels.

Just do what's right for you and your DC.

I ment what more does she want her parents to do.

Also, "Patting" is a world away from "Smacking". Patting is an affectionate, playful or reassuring touch.
Your wording is confusing.

I agree with Thestrangestthing

I don't think anything you have written is that bad and think you're overreacting. Patting is not the same as smacking!!

I was probably a bit like you when I first went back to work and would leave DS with my DM and Dsis so I do get it. I was so anal about naps and what and when he ate. But I still think you're overreacting.

Either sit down with them and air your concerns and give them the benefit of the doubt to change things so they're exactly as you like it or put him in nursery.

@SmileyClare different instances - once she was patting repeatedly, once she smacked his hand. It's not confusing.

@Thestrangestthing she also wants her parents to stick to the routine (not necessarily reasonable, really), not tell her how to parent and to feed her child appropriately

The thing with nursery is you don't actually see whats going on most of the time and you know what your parents are doing.
Explain about the patting/hitting, a tap on the hand really isn't that major, but obviously you don't want it happening again. The word naughty I don't like to use but DH is always teasing DS about being naughty., I hope you have more success than I do with that one.
Your DS probably enjoys going to town in his buggy and in childcare they often don't eat anything.
I leave DS with my parents a couple of days a week and just accept they parent differently and ds is very happy with them

Excellent post.

It's tricky as our parents see things so differently and come from the era of children should behave or a slap should be given.

With my kids I rarely hit. In fact I never hit apart from in a high danger situation. In my son's case he kept going under the sink. He learned how to remove the safety lock. I tapped his hand and gave him a loud no. It made him cry and I felt bad. But id rather that than him swallowing something harmful when my backs turned. It's impossible to watch them constantly although I try my best!

I think nursery is a good idea. Although it might offend your parents. You could say you really like him mixing and doing lots of new activities etc with his peers. It's hard sometimes for other people to do the routine you would like. Sometimes kids get excited in the company of others. Different house and things. Maybe it just feels easier for them to pop him in his buggy.

Is she patting his bum to soothe him? That's something I've done with both of mine.

I think it's just your parents are dealing with him how they used to deal with their kids. They don't mean any harm I guess. Do what you feel is best for your son though. X

Grandparents look after my 16month once a week for free. If I told them they couldn't go about their normal routine they'd probably refuse to look after baby. It's good to have baby going out and about.
I'd question the "hitting" and make sure rules are in place regarding that. If they don't abide by them then I'd use a nursery

I think some of your expectations of them are high - if they are providing free childcare they are allowed to expect him to fit in with their routines and lifestyle. If he is in nursery or with a CM he will fit in with their timetable too. However, he is your son and if you would prefer him to be in nursery then that is your decision to make.

The thing that makes me 100% on your side is your final paragraph about them being the types to hold grudges and involve other family members. I wouldn’t want to be obliged to that sort of person or have my child spend so much unsupervised time with them. I think you could use this as an opportunity to start to start asserting some independence distance yourself from those unhealthy dynamics.

‘It did bring back some awful memories for me being punished with a slap as a child though and I felt uneasy.’

This is the only phrase of your post that worries me - only you know how bad that was ..... having been hit a lot by my mother as a child I have never once left my children alone in her care ! ... listen to your instincts

not tell her how to parent and to feed her child appropriately

They didn't tell her how to parent, just that he didn't need all that food. She noticed left overs and?
Just because the OP is the parent, doesn't mean she knows best about absolutely everything. I've known a few parents who need some pointers when It comes to feeding their children. I don't know if that is the case, but it's just as possible that the OP is over feeding the child. Not many living grand parents are going to with hold food. If they are that's abuse and I question the OPs parenting for leaving her child with them so long.

@Thestrangestthing did you miss this bit of the OP:

DF has also tried to force parenting styles on me and Dh a few times too.

I agree with the food. If OP does feel like they're neglecting him she should have stopped the arrangement sooner.