Child care by grandparents not working out

[Onlyforthis2]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Signed up to give one person advice, hense the username, but find myself needing to ask opinions.

My mum and dad have very kindly provided free childcare one day a week since November when I increased my hours at work. When the arrangement came about DH and I agreed that we would only increase my hours if we could afford nursery for that extra day should grandparents childcare fall through. All good.
As much as it works well for us, my parents love having DS once a week and frankly don't shut up about it the rest of the week either! Which makes this next bit even more difficult.

Yesterday, got home from work to find DS over tired and all in a fuss. Fine, annoying for me but take it he's had fun with them so just deal with it. Then find DM is patting DS on the bum using more force than I was comfortable with and playfully saying 'naughty'. I straight away said no we don't pat like that or use the word naughty. The patting especially alarmed me for some reason. Anyway, DS then slaps me on the face and DM on the back. So I explain to DS that we don't hit and explain to DM that that DS doesn't know the difference between a pat and a hit so me telling him not to hit and them patting him will be confusing. They seemed to understand. It did bring back some awful memories for me being punished with a slap as a child though and I felt uneasy.

Then find out DS routine was all out of sorts, having lunch 2 hours late, sleeping in his buggy (explains the over tiredness, sleep was not long enough and of poor quality) due to DM deciding she had things to do in town and dragging DS around with her.
DM has in the past not fed DS enough despite me preportioning (leftovers) because she didn't feel he needed it. Has slapped DS hand when he bit her once. DF has also tried to force parenting styles on me and Dh a few times too.

I feel I should just stop it and put DS in nursery the extra day. It's an additional 200 pound a month for us but is there really a price on your kids being somewhere you have no doubts about?

So my AIBU is more of a WWYD.
Would you use nursery for those days?
Trial DS in nursery the extra day for a while to see if behaviour and routine improves?
And how on earth do I sack my parents?! They're the types to hold a grudge and I will have other family on the phone within minutes asking how I could be so mean.
Please help!
DS is 16 months if that's relevant

Who are all these freaks smacking 16month old babies?

And PP saying toddlers "don't understand" being explained to that we don't hit... Maybe your kid is just a bit thick? Probably because his mother smacks him instead of talking to him. Either way I'm sure he'll grow up with a firm understanding that the most violent person in the room gets their way.

Put him nursery, if anything the relationship will be extremely strained if the current arrangement goes on. I wouldn't be happy with any of what you described, and if your ds was in a nursery you wouldn't hold back with addressing any of it. To keep quiet about it now means putting your parents feelings ahead of your ds best interests. Save yourself all this stress and put him into nursery.

Honestly some of this is so WTF: my comments on this are:

1. calling a child naughty is like a nice way of saying they’ve been “bad”. It’s gentle and it’s quite sweet IMO and I can’t see anything wrong with it. If I say “bugger” in front of DS or whatever I’ll say “oops! naughty mummy!”. If the dog steals a toy “oops! Naughty dog”. If DS throws something he’s not supposed to “naughty DS!” What the fuck is the problem with that ffs?! This is why children are so badly behaved if their parents can’t even use NAUGHTY?!?! it’s a word FOR children!

2. you are deeply unreasonable with your expectations. I am a SAHM and my mother has DS one afternoon a week so I get a break. They watch far too much television, eat far too many snacks and often he naps far too late. So fucking what? She’s in her 60s and she’s tired, she wants the easy way and she wants to be fun and loved. She’s doing me a favour it’s not like she’s giving him crack ffs. Your parents taking him to nap in the buggy is fine stop being precious and picking holes. Agree with a PP your use of “dragged” is telling.

3. but as in my previous comment - were you really slapped as a child? If you think your parents are violent and their “patting” is sinister etc and they are hitting then WHY DID YOU LET THEM LOOK AFTER YOUR CHILD?!?

I understood it that your child was lashing out with the slapping your face because he had been taught that hitting is ok because his Granny does it.

Not a great role model.

And because he was tired as he wasn't given the opportunity to sleep properly.

Who are all these freaks smacking 16month old babies?

People who should have their children taken away it’s disgusting.

Christ I remember why I left mn now.
I've only got to page 3 and some of the nasty comments are horrendous.
To clarify, I didn't expect her force feed him leftovers. The leftovers refers to the contents of the meal... Left over from the night before.

Stick to rputine: I mean feed him at lunch time and let him sleep after lunch. Not at 10am so he gets so over tired he Wakes and cries for 2 hours from midnight which was the result last night.

His nursery is not run by teenagers. It's brilliant, small and run by 6 fabulous members of staff who know him so well and who he absolutely adores. I cannot fault them and I'm happier when he's there than when he's with my parents.

For clarity, dm is 58 and df is 61

if it was me I’d book nursery for the extra day and come up with a reason/white lie. You have to go on your gut feeling and yours is saying you aren’t happy with the childcare your parents are providing.

Pay the extra money and get your child minded. Your parents will probably be relieved in all honesty. Give your rule book to the nursery and pay them to adhere to every single rule you have, rules are easier to keep when you are getting paid for it.

I’m a lurker too, also a refugee from the terrifying inner circle of Gransnet.

I’m a gran who looks after my 2yo GC one and a half or two days a week. I’ve only signed up here to add my bit of granny advice as I could feel myself start to seethe a bit. This is NOT in defence of your (probably well meaning) mum & dad but in defence of your little lad. If as a GP you decide to offer childcare, you must follow his/her parents rules or structure because being consistent is incredibly important. Whether they like it or not, they are not being fair to their beloved grandson and it’s very difficult for AC to correct their own parents in the area of childcare. I’m sure you have no qualms about speaking to the nursery about any issues you may have, and they will take it on board in a professional manner (hopefully!). Not so easy with your parents!

Of course they love him, it’s a very special relationship but some GPs are better being just that, and not childminders. Let them enjoy visits and occasional babysitting but childcare is an entity in itself with completely different boundaries.

Good luck!

My DD only goes to nursery once a week (although she does go to a childminder twice a week). If I didn’t do nursery then the alternative would be my parents watching her and that is not happening. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with this.

Nursery has been really beneficial for her and for me it’s worth the £200 a month extra.

You should only send your child somewhere where you feel 100% comfortable. Your parents seem a bit too old school for my liking.

So still no explanation of why you let your parents looK after your child if they hit you as a child...

Although I think it's a valid point to consider as to why OP has her parents watch her son if they hit her, please remember that abuse can be difficult to come to terms with as an adult and it isnt always clear cut. My parents were fairly neglectful during my teens (and my mum slapped me on a few occasions) but they utterly worship DD and look after her once a week. We've all changed over 20+ years as have views of childrearing. If I had concerns I would end the arrangement and have also sought my own therapy which I would encourage OP to do to. Berating someone who has had a tough childhood isnt really helping them come to terms with what is happening now.

His nursery is not run by teenagers. It's brilliant, small and run by 6 fabulous members of staff who know him so well and who he absolutely adores. I cannot fault them and I'm happier when he's there than when he's with my parents.

If this is how you feel OP then stop dithering, pay the extra and put your ds in there for the extra 1 day.

But as many have said, you’re being far too precious .. and you’ve not actually posted much on this thread - you’ve not answered/responded to so many comments on here.

Yeah I’d just put him in the nursery as it isn’t working for you.

I do understand the routine bit as well. It’s almost more important to stick to the routine on days you are working because it both 1. Gives consistency to the little one and 2. Occurs when you are knackered and tbh could do without a toddler up all night!

Don’t expect nursery to be perfect though. My kids weren’t “sleep begets sleep” children. There was a finite amount they were going to have in total. I had a lot of battles with nursery giving them 2 hour naps which I knew would mean they were up til all hours!

If it's precious to object to people smacking your 16 month old, I'd be very happy to own that particular label. And once it had happened, even if they said they wouldn't again, the trust would be gone.

Trust your instincts. Tell your parents that you'd like them not to have to worry about "childminding", & that you'd like them to be able to see your DS so they can enjoy just being grandparents on more relaxed terms.

What an over precious fuss pot! A pat is not a smack whatever way you look at it - why shouldn't your parents carry on with their own routine as well as incorporating their much loved grandson into their day. My grandson is same age as your child - excellent nursery and small ratio of staff to children but biting is going on a lot even there. Their way of dealing with it is to tell parents of child who has been bitten and the parents of the biter but the name of the biting child is never broadcast to the rest of the parents.

I think you ate overreacting and being too precious!! You would have known if your parents were abusive from your own childhood. Feel sorry for your parents for you being so ungrateful and nitpicking. Agree that if they were hitting your child there would be a serious issue but that obviously is not the case .

@blackcat86

I keep asking because I get the impression that OP is wildly exaggerating her parent’s behaviour to make them look worse.

Your parenting styles are too different to make this work.

I think you should go for the nursery option and just tell your parents you felt child was ready for this and the company of peers. I do not think you should confront them with your concerns.

It is clear that you do not have faith in them caring for him so you should look elsewhere, without combining that with criticism of them.

I care for GC and I try very hard to do things how their parents would wish; but they do not dictate to me in the way you are - they do not pre-proportion food or lecture me on how they parent. I do things slightly differently to them - but they just see that as an opportunity for the children to learn that people are all different. There are the occasional treats with me - and parents turn a blind eye and smile!

However I do not think that the smacking (however light) is acceptable. It depends on the context - if it was (as you freely admit) a "pat" and had a jokey element to it, then I think you are being a bit harsh. I agree that the whole hitting thing is a problem and you do not want him learning by example; but I am afraid that little boys (and often girls!) do hit - they do not have full control of their actions yet. There will be hitting at nursery - properly dealt with no doubt, but it will happen - not by staff though!

I really do not think you should confront them with your criticisms - they have given up a lot of their precious time (it gets more precious as you get older!!) to look after him for you and saved you lots of money, so it would be kinder just to say that you think he is ready for nursery now, and the different opportunities there.

Allow them to walk away with their dignity intact - you at least owe them that for their efforts.

Passmethefrazzles - I too am a refugee!

"due to DM deciding she had things to do in town and dragging DS around with her."

Oh god fucking forbid a child is taken out and about during nap time. Kids work around you, OP, not the other way around. Especially that young. Get a bloody grip.

If he's happy at nursery I would put him there teh extra day...

Think I would tell Parents a white lie...... something like they offered you a space at a reduced rate maybe...... (which is why you'd snapped it up)
and arrange a regular tea/catch up/play date with them though to maintain the relationship would be a good idea

He is going to get more energetic and mobile and 'independent' as times go on so maybe harder for them to manage...... you need to think of next steps

I think it is very important that you do not let this cause a family rift - I am sure they love your little one. There will be aw way round this without negative spin-offs. Good luck.

By the way, I do subscribe to the idea that children need to fit round family life; and I do not think that taking him out in pushchair during nap time was a cause for concern.