Child care by grandparents not working out

[Onlyforthis2]

Long time lurker, first time poster. Signed up to give one person advice, hense the username, but find myself needing to ask opinions.

My mum and dad have very kindly provided free childcare one day a week since November when I increased my hours at work. When the arrangement came about DH and I agreed that we would only increase my hours if we could afford nursery for that extra day should grandparents childcare fall through. All good.
As much as it works well for us, my parents love having DS once a week and frankly don't shut up about it the rest of the week either! Which makes this next bit even more difficult.

Yesterday, got home from work to find DS over tired and all in a fuss. Fine, annoying for me but take it he's had fun with them so just deal with it. Then find DM is patting DS on the bum using more force than I was comfortable with and playfully saying 'naughty'. I straight away said no we don't pat like that or use the word naughty. The patting especially alarmed me for some reason. Anyway, DS then slaps me on the face and DM on the back. So I explain to DS that we don't hit and explain to DM that that DS doesn't know the difference between a pat and a hit so me telling him not to hit and them patting him will be confusing. They seemed to understand. It did bring back some awful memories for me being punished with a slap as a child though and I felt uneasy.

Then find out DS routine was all out of sorts, having lunch 2 hours late, sleeping in his buggy (explains the over tiredness, sleep was not long enough and of poor quality) due to DM deciding she had things to do in town and dragging DS around with her.
DM has in the past not fed DS enough despite me preportioning (leftovers) because she didn't feel he needed it. Has slapped DS hand when he bit her once. DF has also tried to force parenting styles on me and Dh a few times too.

I feel I should just stop it and put DS in nursery the extra day. It's an additional 200 pound a month for us but is there really a price on your kids being somewhere you have no doubts about?

So my AIBU is more of a WWYD.
Would you use nursery for those days?
Trial DS in nursery the extra day for a while to see if behaviour and routine improves?
And how on earth do I sack my parents?! They're the types to hold a grudge and I will have other family on the phone within minutes asking how I could be so mean.
Please help!
DS is 16 months if that's relevant

So, your son bites people, has slapped you in the face....but you're not allowed to challenge this or call him naughty, or heaven forbid, give him a smack?

Good luck when goes to school, and starts slapping or biting the other kids.

You use very choice language describing your parents, for eg. your Mum dragged him around town...did she really? He wasn't in a buggy then? She dragged him by his coat hood did she? Nah, thought not. She went to town, with him in his buggy, just like you do, no doubt, along with thousands of parents up and down the country. You had a child....however LIFE GOES ON.

Why aren't you using the word naughty? If he is naughty you need to say so, and discipline him. Or he's going to be one of those naughty kids, because no one has ever inflicted any boundaries.

If it’s upsetting or bothering you then just put him in nursery for your own sanity. I guess it depends how much trust you have in your parents respecting what you want vs whether they will do what they want regardless and if they will tell you what’s happened or just what they think you want to hear. Using family for childcare has many pros but with it comes cons, you’ve got to weigh it all uo and if £200 a month is affordable and is worth it for the peace of mind then do it.

Some of the things like routine I think do happen and yab a bit u about it but the smacking and disciplining thing sounds like it could be the kind of issue to eat you up if you left him there.

Yes I did miss that bit, apologies.

Longblondeandblueeyes, my children's former nursery school does not use the word "naughty". It is part of their school ethos to not use that word. The school still provides consequences for poor behaviour; they just talk about it in different words. The OP doesn't have to use the word "naughty" to discipline her child.

Only you know whether having a very big chat with them will sort these issues out. That would surely be the first option.

I'm with you on taking DS into town in his buggy. Presumably the grandmother has all the rest of the week to go in to town and if she really had to she could fit it around his nap.

Why do people minimise the routine? Cocking up his lunch and sleep is cruel. You know how you feel when you don't get enough sleep? He was tired and grumpy? Not fair to inflict that on a little one if it isn't really necessary.

Should the child have been force fed the leftovers ?

I think you’re massively overreacting. So yesterday is the first time your ds has been over tired and in a fuss in 16 months?? Fantastic for you! - most babies/toddlers are like this many times a week, possibly every day at some point!

He bit and slapped!?! - he needs to be shown boundaries!

You think nursery will parent your ds in your own individual way? You’re deluded.

Sorry to be blunt but you’re not living in the real world.

The main issue seems to be the tapping. Tell that that's stops or you'll send him to nursery instead. This assumes that they are feeding the child properly. Having leftovers some days is fine but obviously actual under feeding is a big problem.

Is it any wonder kids are growing up such entitled brats if they can't be called naughty?

Using other words is just a fudge as they will come to have the same connotations eventually and just be just as "bad" in some parents eyes as naughty.

I have some sympathy with the food. A lot of toddlers are overweight and parents do feed them too much. It is incredibly hard to do something you think is bad for a child you love, even if their parents are telling you to do it.

I don't really think anything you've described is grave enough to pull your DS out of your parents' care. Yes, make sure you tell them about not tapping, and to offer him all the food you've pre-portioned (but it's fine for him to choose not to eat it), but this can very easily be solved by you having a proper conversation with your parents about your worries. Your DS will benefit so much from a close and loving relationship with his grandparents.

Of course, if they ignore your requests repeatedly or don't see the problem after a proper discussion then you should put him in nursery.

OP did your parents use slapping and hitting on you? If so thats obviously going to start again.

nursery pronto. Plus as theyre older theyll struggle to keep up with an energergetic and sometimes grumpy toddler! Keep grandparents time as nice visits where you can all call a visit a day when its all too much.

You're expecting too much, when I was a SAHM I couldn't always work round my toddlers routines (when you have two, their routines don't always match anyway) and your parents are doing you a favour.

If you're uncomfortable then yes, use nursery instead. But don't say that it's because their care isn't good enough. That would be cruel and unnecessary.

People go on and on about how lovely grandparent care is but time have changed. The average grandparent of a toddler is quite a bit older than they used to be & has less energy/tolerance.

Everyone I know who uses grandparents faces the same issue:

• grandparents unwilling to stray from their own routine or day to day activities so naps ignored or toddlers/bigger children strapped into a pram all day & expected to just sit there while grandma shops/meets friends.
• either overfeeding with sugary crap or underfeeding.
• no patience/memory of what young toddlers are like and quickly resorting to discipline that would be considered unacceptable today.
• awkwardness around payment etc

Imho it's not worth it unless you simply cannot afford to work without it.

It's a shame to take away the relationship that the day will build with them isn't it if you could potentially fix this?

I think you are being precious about the routine for one day - grandparent relationship is worth more than that.

Could you sit her down and say she is never ever to touch or hit him as punishment and see what she says?

Ps no issue with the term naughty tho. Children from age 18m do have the capacity to be naughty and it's not like it's a rude word.

And a bit sad to say a child shouldn't fit in with granny's errands and seeing friends.. That's normal life!

I’d prolly avoid the confrontation and give them 2 weeks to get used to the idea that you’ve realised socialisation with a diversity of other kids is very important and currently missing too much from his life.

Especially if he’s your first/only kid, the older generations generally accept this reason fairly well.

Your DS just needs more consistent ‘other kids’ and the nursery routine/home routine/gp’s house routine is messing with his head. You’re streamlining his week, prioritising socialisation and the rules that come with childcare (then school). Then negotiate the new babysitting or visiting schedule for the GPs. If they get too cranky, I guess there’ll have to be longer gaps between visits for a while.

So, your son bites people, has slapped you in the face....but you're not allowed to challenge this or call him naughty, or heaven forbid, give him a smack?

He's 16 months old FFS! He's not being naughty. He's being a baby.

What would you be teaching a child about not hitting... by hitting them?

OP If you are not settled with the childcare you have then your little one won;t be either....nursery is the way to go. My mum was going to have my daughter way back when but she struggled. She loved my DD so much but it was very tiring for my mum and became too much. She is a wonderful gran and they have an amazing relationship together (almost to the point where I am a bit jealous if I am being honest!) but the relationship they have now would not be anything like it is if my mum was childminding. I would thank then so much for all they have done but say your little one is becoming a bit of a handful and you don;t want them to have to deal with that aspect as you want them to fully enjoy their time together so you and dh are opting for nursery to provide support and structure instead. They may be relieved and you all come out with a happy relationship intact.

I think a regular day with close family that actually love your child is more beneficial than extra days in nursery especially at such a young age. A strong bond between your child and their GPS is something to cherish. The routine you talk about will chop and change anyway.
The hitting thing can be resolved although it wasn't hitting was it? Either way I'm sure if you have a word your parents will listen. If not then nursery if there is no other option.

I think you’ve been harsh saying your mother dragged him around the shops, if he was in his buggy sleeping.

Your child does need normal activities.
Why not ask your parents to refrain from smacking?

You sound a little odd, and hopefully if you have a second child, will calm and chill out a bit more.

Your parents were the best parents they could be, let’s hope your child, doesn’t have terrible flash backs about you too.

Oh and nurseries, ? Staffed by teenagers, who couldnt care less, with no qualifications, on drugs, if it’s anything like a girl we know who works at one

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland

Not true. I know many people that have child care from GPS and it's worked out well but yes if your going to be completely anal over routine and try and control everything GPS do on those days then it probably won't work. Mind you those kind of people will probably find something to moan about nursery aswell.

If you feel more comfortable using day care then do it.

But I don't really see that your parents have done anything wrong. I've found little kids are surprisingly good at remembering "who does what" in terms of routine/childcare and cope with it fine. My LO is 18 months. He naps very well for me. At day care he also naps well but at a different time. For my mum he won't nap in his cot, as he knows she will let him sleep on her lap. But he'd never bother trying that on with me, or at day care, he knows it wouldn't fly!

As for the food thing, hunger varies a lot. Sometimes they eat a lot, other days they just don't feel like it. If they are hungry they let their carer know.