4 year old asking where do babies come from?

[8paws8legs]

Wasn't really sure where to put this so went for Aibu as always seems to get good answers.
So my 4 year old son has asked a few times now how mummies and daddies make babies, where they come from etc? It always seems to be at bedtime so have fobbed him off a bit and said we will talk about it tomorrow etc but what do I say? He has asked several times now so I need to give him an answer but not sure how to make it age appropriate???

@Supertrooper98 it’s surprising isn’t it. My job involves teaching women about their genitals on a daily basis. I’m so often starting with the very basics. You wouldn’t believe how many women don’t realise they have 3 holes (LOTS of women assume they urinate directly out of their vagina or - bizarrely- the clitoris). Many women have never looked at themselves with a mirror.

Knowledge is power ladies. Have a good look and learn the correct terminology.

Having said that, my knowledge of the ear canal is very poor. There are probably a load of ENT’s laughing about how nobody knows their eustation tube from their cochlea.

I don't understand how your dd could be 3 and knows she has a bum but not a vagina? Do you just use a pet name for it or of you actually mean she doesn't know that part of her body exists? Because the latter sounds extremely unusual to me.

Would most 3 year old's have discovered their vagina yet and asked what it is @Flacker? I don't think the internal bits had really come up with my children at that age.

In an ideal world a 3 year old wouldn’t ‘need’ to know they have a vagina. But in the real world we live in, where 3 year olds are sticking things like peas and bits of Lego their noses and in their ears, it’s probably useful for them to know that sticking something up their vagina doesn’t mean it just disappears into the ether. That it is a real, anatomical place that exists in their body, that they may discover one day on their own. It’s also useful for them to use the correct terminology from a safeguarding point of view.

It really won’t psychologically damage your daughter to know she has a vagina.

Why would it psychologically damage her

Though actually I think pointing out there's a hole you can insert things into rather increases the risk of them inserting something into it..

I had this conversation with my 7yr old boy a few days ago (initiated by him)

Him - mum, is penis a naughty word

Me - no, it’s the proper name for your willy

Him - penis, penis, penis, penis...

Short pause

Him- what’s in my balls, is it wee?

Me - no, that where your sperm is for when your ready to have a baby

Him - but how does it get to the egg
Me - erm, well...

Him - OMG, do I have to chop my willy off and give it to a lady

Me - erm, well .. you use your willy but you don’t chop it off

Him - wait a minute, where are the eggs kept?

Me - in the lady’s privates

Him - OMG, seriously!! That’s gross.

Long pause

Him - mum, is it kinda like putting your iPhone on charge

Me - yeah sort of..

Let the iPhone meet the charger, lol 😂😂😂

Pardonwhat

Was thinking the same. 4 is far to young to know about the ins and outs of human biology. Surely simple child like terms are more appropriate?

Do you prefer foofoo? Or tuppence? Or maybe front bottom?

Camomila

Nooo way! That’s wrong. Far to young for a small person. I think you need to rethink what you say

My daughter is 3 and is a donor conceived IVF baby. She quite often asks me to tell her 'her story' which I do, in very simple terms.

It involves lovely doctor's, a kind man and a magic seed, amongst other things.
She knows that she came out of Mummy's 'minnie'.

However, I think maybe our story is a little less awkward to explain, as it was more of a clinical process rather than an intimate act between parents.

I was 23 when Dc1 was born. I think he was maybe 4 or 5 when he asked me where babies came from. I remember feeling so embarrassed and coy, so I just passed it off in terms of 'a special cuddle' and 'planting a seed' etc.
I was the grand old age of 35 when dc2 came along, and I was much wiser by then. I answered questions quite factually, from a similarly young age. It's completely fine for children to know that daddy has a seed in his penis, which he puts into mummy's vagina - and then a baby grows in mummy's womb.
That's completely factual, it gives children a basic understanding, and informs them of the anatomically correct terms. They took it as an explanation from a young-ish age, and seemed perfectly satisfied with it.
I'd rather explain it properly while they're young, than have to wait until they're older to give them the finer detail.

I think maybe our story is a little less awkward to explain, as it was more of a clinical process rather than an intimate act between parents.

Your 3 year old is really not embarrassed about hearing about her parents’ intimate act.

@MyNameIsAlexDrake love it!!! And love the iPhones reference. Thank god you didn’t feel awkward half way through and dream up some bizarre euphemism to explain away the biological facts. Otherwise he may have spent the next few months/years genuinely wondering if he was going to have to chop off his penis one day to have kids!! Lol.

And this is my point really. You are NOT protecting your child by glossing over the very basics of their anatomy. The vagina really isn’t a complex structure that is too hard for them to understand. It will not instantly sexualise your daughter to educate her about it. And, no, @MrsBricks it won’t entice her to stick a pea up there either! Just as the knowledge of having an ear or nose wont automatically seduce them into sticking a pea in there either. Buts it certainly useful for them to have the words to describe that area if one day they need to tell you something about it.

Dolly I'm not talking about it from her perspective - I'm talking about it from the perspective of a parent.
I don't yet have to explain to her about sex, because I've answered her questions truthfully about how she was made.
I can wait a few years until she's ready to know more!

Why not just use the word sperm from the get go? It isn’t swearing.

It’s becomes much less of a big deal to tell them when they are tiny so that they have “always known.” Don’t let teaching your children about sex be in any way awkward.

Totally agree with peanut and dolly. Reproduction is fine and normal, and it's perfectly ok to talk to children about it. Normalising it from a young age is healthy, and means there's no need for any big reveal once they're older. They've always just known.

My daughters knew they had vaginas from the age of 2. When toilet training I showed them how to wipe from front to back explaining that they don’t want poo going into their vaginas.

They are 10 and nearly 8 now and know that periods come out of vaginas, that you can insert a tampon into a vagina or use a pad. They know that a penis goes into the vagina to have sex and make a baby and that babies usually come out that way. They know urine comes out of a urethra and poo comes out of the anus.

They and DS12 know about sex and have seen a fair few animals mating on farms, in the countryside and safari parks and on TV.

Like I said upthread. I’m educating women (aged 16-99) every day about the basics of female anatomy. Almost exclusively, the misconceptions they have about their genitalia are based on what they were taught as children. I have adult women calling their vagina their tuppence. They tell me they have a lump in their tuppence but have absolutely no other words or language to give more detail than that. Sometimes that lump is a bartholian cyst (vulva), sometimes it’s a prolapse (vagina), sometimes it’s an STI, sometimes it’s vulva cancer. Almost always they’ve had it for a very long time before they pluck up the courage to tell anyone.

So this problem starts in childhood. By the time they desperately need to know more about their genitalia (puberty) they are too embarrassed to ask for that extra detail because they have the additional confusing/embarrassing aspect of sexuality to cope with which they do not want to discuss with their parents or teachers. By this point parents are usually just relieved to not have the conversation ever again.

Then those poor women continue into their 80’s genuinely believing that their vagina is a disgusting shameful place that should not be called by it’s real vulgar name (its just ‘down there’). That that it should never be looked at or touched. And if you do, you are a sexual deviant.

Embarrassment is the main reason why women put off having smears or telling their GP about a whole range of bladder, genital or bowel problems including red flag symptoms like post menopausal bleeding or painful sex or bleeding after sex. On average women delay telling their GP about these sorts of things for 7.5 years. By which time their cervical cancer (for example) may be untreatable.

So why don’t we all just give our heads a wobble and give our children the respect they deserve to understand the anatomy they were born with.

Heads, shoulders, knees, toes, eyes, ears, mouth, nose, vagina, penis.

Could be a whole new rhyme right there!

You are brilliant @peanutfoldover - sounds like you do a brilliant job

Honestly I'm really surprised by those who haven't taught their daughters about their vaginas. My son is 3, does not own one but knows what a vagina is (I'll admit I haven't differentiated between vulva and vagina because he doesn't have one but he does know penis and testicles, just as he knows knees and ears ... why wouldn't he?

@peanutfoldover 🙌🙌🙌🙌 amazing post!
I couldn't agree more.

While it's obviously parental choice, I can't understand any reticence in telling your children biological facts about their bodies, or how they get here.

My eldest was 2 when her brother was born, and they were then 4 and 2 when their next brother arrived. I always spoke clearly about what was happening, how sex worked, how the baby would come out.

Did they properly understand it? At 2, obviously not. BUT having clear, biologically correct conversations from their earliest days means there's no scope for embarrassment now, and I've given accurate information I can build on, and now they're older, our conversations can be linked with my values & philosophy in relation to sex and relationships (obviously very personal and every family will be different).

My 2 boys are 10 and 8 now and at that really annoying 'fnar fnar' stage of giggling about farts, body parts, nudity etc but they know the facts, can talk clearly about them and things like periods, women's bodies are very normalized and understood. I feel this is so important for boys, before they get to puberty, and horrible teen years.

And I've a particular dislike of 'special cuddles', I hate lack of clarity with children. Use words like 'sex' early on with a simple explanation so that they are clear about what happens.

Lots of detail isn't needed but don't be vague or euphemistic.

Why not just tell the truth? We have a rule in our home that we don’t tell lies.

My son is 4, a friend had a baby last year and he asked where the baby came from, he knows that a man puts his penis in the womans vagina, he knows sperm comes from the penis and goes into the vagina and ‘swims’ to find the egg. He also knows that sometimes it doesn’t work the first time and a couple may have to have sex quite a few times to make a baby. He knows that some babies come out the womans vagina and some come out of the womans tummy in a operation.

It really isn’t difficult to explain, it’s not like they’ve asked you to explain string theory!

If they're old enough to ask, they're old enough to hear the answer. You don't need to go into details but fobbing them off with "special cuddle" talk is just going to confuse them more.

I don't understand the coyness around sex. If you're mature enough to reproduce, you're mature enough to explain the basic functions of that act to your child.

The more you pussyfoot around and hem and haw, the more your child will build it up to a big thing in their head. They know when adults are bullshitting and that is scary for them.

@shemakesmewaitonabedofnails I know, too many opportunities for entendre!! I wish usborne made an adults’ version! 😂