Friend is always 'running late'.

[katseyes7]

FFS. Arranged to go out with my friend today. l've only seen her briefly in the last month, haven't been out together for ages.
Without fail, almost every time we've arranged to go out, l've either had a text saying she's 'running late', 'fell asleep' or something similar. And l can count on the fingers of one hand the amount of times she's actually been ready when l've got there. There seems to be no concept of other people's arrangements or time wasted.

Just had a text. "Sorry l fell asleep (? - it's half ten in the morning!) - should (!) be ready for 12.30". Usual time is 12:00, because it takes her that long to get ready. l've been ready to go out of the door for nearly 2 hours.
On one occasion last year, we arranged to go to meet another friend of mine for about an hour (for a specific reason) before she (other friend) went to work. When l arrived at my friends to collect her, she'd only just started putting her makeup on. (Which takes forever. At least an hour). She sat there, painstakingly putting her face on, no hurry, no sense of urgency whatsoever. The result being that by the time she got ready, we didn't leave her house until after the time we'd actually agreed to meet my other friend. Twenty miles away. By the time we were halfway there, my other friend had to leave for work. So l wasted god knows how much time, and forty miles worth of petrol for nothing.

ls it me? Or is it cheeky and bad mannered?
l work. She doesn't. So my days off are precious to me. AIBU to be annoyed, yet again? She's otherwise a good friend.

I had a friend like this. I stopped seeing her. It's just rude. Thinking their time is more important than yours so it's fine to leave you waiting.

@RockinHippy the OPs friend may have some issues but she manages to get to important (aka non moveable and non sympathetic) events like hospital appointments so it is not a case of it being 100% unavoidable.

I have anxiety and depression, diagnosed since I was a teenager. I struggle on a daily basis but I am rarely ever late because I have set up strategies and systems to ensure my anxiety/depression have as minimal an impact on other people as possible. There will be some times when my anxiety or depression gets the better of me and I cancel last minute or end up being really late to an event but they are the minority, and because my friends know how hard I try to not let my issues affect things they excuse those occasions as one offs.

My MH issues are an explanation but they are not an excuse or a get out of jail free card to do as I like, regardless of everyone else.

@RockinHippy That would depend what the chronic illness is. I have a friend with extremely bad epilepsy. He is always on time, and if he is unwell, he cancels - which is absolutely fair enough. If he just didn't turn up for an hour or so, I would be extremely concerned, as that would be completely out of character, for him, and lead me to think something had happened. I'm not saying all chronic illnesses are the same though.

@RockinHippy the OPs friend may have some issues but she manages to get to important (aka non moveable and non sympathetic) events like hospital appointments so it is not a case of it being 100% unavoidable.

We HAVE to get to appointments or be struck off, that's how it works, that can mean us sitting up all night in order to be sure we make it, need to pay fir taxis & we are then usually crushed by the effort meaning days in bed & a period of much worsened health.

Yanbu I can forgive the occasional late arrival but it’s so rude to be repeatedly late. Especially rude when they joke about it and say something like ‘you know what I’m like’

@RockinHippy That would depend what the chronic illness is

Yes I agree with that, but this does indicate an energy illness such as Fibro or M.E, or one that has CFS as a symptom, such as kidney disease, MS etc

She is clearly telling you that she is more important than anyone else.

An hour to put on make-up?! While you're sitting there?? FFS! Totally self-absorbed.

Does she even chip in for petrol money? (haven't RTFT).

Question is, that you must ask yourself, why do you let yourself be treated like this? You sound lovely, by the way.

@RockinHippy as I mentioned before, lateness gives ME anxiety. I’m not joking, I also worry and fret and stay up late and get myself into a state. It helps to get to places on time or earlier. Where is your understanding of my issues?

So what is the chronic illness the friend in this post has got?

Excellent idea, adding an hour or three on.

Seems unfair you are always driving and so everything on you ... if you were sharing transport, I would deliberately be late for her.

Have you thought, when receiving the lateness text just texting back saying. Never mind, I will go on my own want to keep to the times planned. Your current arrangements enforce her behaviour and not thinking of you.

@RockinHippy I think OP said it was social anxiety, which I could understand will sometimes flare up at the last second, but I think it would be a bit of a stretch for it to happen every single time, then after an hour or so's delay, everything is fine by the time she sees OP. Cancelling, yes, but not being late every single time.

Oh my god!! Sorry I haven't RTFT but I hate (unjustified) lateness! Why on Earth are you putting up with this madness?! It's so unbelievably rude.

And why do you have to go to her??

Next time, say this:
Friend: can we meet up, say 12?
You: yes, great, but it really will have be 12 as I have lots to do at home/other plans, etc later. Being back at work means I only have x number of days off and I've got lots to catch up on.

Day of meet up:
Friend: sorry, running late, can we now say 1pm?
You: sorry I have lots to do today anyway so shall we postpone till next week? Is 1pm a better time for you going forward? Then I can plan some things for the morning.

Make her realise she's not the center of your universe - because she seems to be under the impression that she is!

Puppy, you are missing the point. It's not about your anxiety being less valid, it's because it genuinely can't be helped

Snoozy, the hospital appointments suggest otherwise & my guess is the social anxiety is a symptom of something bigger.

I would be interested to know what the friend does suffer with though,

So you don't know then, you're just guessing?

I have hospital appointments, I'm not chronically ill. I can still get places on time.

RockinHippy thank you for your input. It sounds like a really though situation and, indeed, not something you have that much control about.
Can I ask you, how open are you about your condition?
Are your friends and family aware of it?
Surely if people know about this they are bound to be more understanding? And hopefully to support you as well.

I can’t help my anxiety either.

Meant to add, if OP's friend is in the same situation, OP doesn't seem to have been told any of it.

One of my mates did this when we were at university, still does it now. She's always late picking up her kids from school. When her daughter was younger she ended up being good friends with the receptionist at the school from picking her up late every day .
In the end, I would agree to meet her at the designated place rather than go round hers as she would never be on time and took hours to do her makeup. I'd suggest meet in town at a specific place and time and she'd end up pulling her finger out. Maybe try that? It's more out of order to leave someone hanging around in public for hours whi h is why I assume she could make it then, weird, but it worked x

Rockinhippy your condition sounds very difficult so sorry for that. However, there’s no suggestion here that Tardy Friend has such a serious issue. She’s simply not prioritising OP in planning her day. I imagine that if you fell asleep and still needed to get ready after your friend had kindly come to pick you up, you might be a bit embarrassed and try get ready quickly? That’s not the case here.

OP, I agree with others here that your friend still doesn’t know you have an issue.maybe she’s now fed up that you ‘let her down at the last minute ‘. For both your sakes send her a message outlining your issue and that whilst you value and enjoy her company you don’t enjoy wasting your day off hanging around. Offering for her to choose the time may help but so may just telling her straight.

Excellent idea, adding an hour or three on.

I've tried this solution, and it doesn't really work. If you tell her you'll be there at ten, but you actually show up at twelve, she'll very soon cotton on, it will completely validate her lateness in her mind and she'll now regard it as your fault as much as hers. Next time you say ten she'll think twelve and be actually ready at two. Within a few iterations of this the time you arrange will become completely irrelevant, she'll be ready when she feels like it, and she'll feel no responsibility for it at all!

Run, I've had it a long time, so I'm used to it now & do have better strategies in place to cope with stuff like this, but that can take a long time as you start out fighting it & trying to get on with things, as you do with many other things & that makes you worse. You can't fight it, you just have to roll with it & unfortunately that can & does make us unreliable.

Friends & family are aware of it, though as my initial (wrong) diagnosis was Fibromyalgia & M.E, many, especially family were disbelieving & just saw it as "lazyitis'- hilarious really when you know they also thought I was a workaholic & needed to slow down 🙄 others thought I was depressed, needed to dump my DH & go out & get drunk😐

DH has been an absolute star though, & I couldn't ask for more understanding or support & as the years have gone on, other friends have become ill themselves & so now sadly understand it too well

It's not about your anxiety being less valid, it's because it genuinely can't be helped

Neither can my diagnosed mental health issues ... but I dont use it as an excuse. Sometimes I dont leave the house for days because i just cannot face the outside world and the thought of going outside has set off a panic attack.

If I was due to meet a friend and cancelled, if I didnt say so on the day, as soon as I felt better I would message to say "Sorry about the other day, my anxiety got the better of me, hope it didnt ruin the day too much. Are you free X day to catch up?" And because my friends know about my MH issues and how hard I try to keep appointments they are usually accommodating for occasional cancellations.

PS My social interactions with the friend in question are now reduced to meeting her at my flat on a day when I've got things to sort out at home. That way none of my time gets wasted sitting watching her do make up, or standing around in the cold waiting for her. I don't much care when she shows up, and we adapt our plan according you the time reasonably remaining!