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AIBU?

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Original poster

To insist the kids are not equal?

298 replies

Elsielouise13 · 19/01/2020 21:45

Inspired by thread about sitting in the front of the car...

One thing I am fussy about when it comes to choosing seats is in a restaurant. I can’t stand it when children rush to seats ahead of adults in a restaurant and ‘bag the best options’. When we go for meals with friends I’ll always insist to my children they wait til the adults have chosen their seats before they sit down.

Several times I’ve been out with other parents who let the kids decide the seating and then struggle in and out for the duration of dinner.

I’ll be fecked if I’m paying for a meal and miss out on watching the room and get to only see my husband and the wall behind him.

And in our house the adults are the ones doing the adulting and that’s why my children spent most of the afternoon messing about about and I ironed school shirts.

OP posts:
Sirzy · 20/01/2020 13:13

I let my DS pick his seat when out, he is autistic and eating out can be a sensory nightmare for him so we pick a chair for him where he is in a corner and ideally facing away from other people as much as possible.

Other than that though I can’t see why where people sit when out should be such an issue. Unless someone has a need for a seat in a certain position then just sit at the table and enjoy yourself don’t get worked up about something so small

EmeraldShamrock · 20/01/2020 13:22

They are brought up to understand the grace of giving respect and thinking about others

Mine is being brought up to understand that respect should be earned and not given
I go with treat others as you like to be treated. As they're not elderly or physically disabled I also drill into them to help when they can. DD tends to be a saver and gets emotionally involved in situations. I often tell her she must look after herself the most, if a person is not respectful walk away. It is a balance between kindness and teaching them to know when to say fuck off.

damnthatanxiety · 20/01/2020 13:24

I think the OP was using restaurant seating as an example of entitled and rude behaviour. People over focussing on this are getting stuck on it being 'petty'. It is just a demonstration of a type of behaviour - like grabbing the first slice of cake, shoving to get through a door first, picking up the remote control and dominating what is on, playing loud music in the house regardless of what others would prefer, jumping in the front seat because they get the car first and expecting the parent who gets there after (probably because they are getting everyones coats and locking up the house) to sit in the back. It is just not appropriate and I despair reading so many pp who seem to think this is all acceptable.

AlexaShutUp · 20/01/2020 13:31

I teach my dd that all human beings are worthy of respect, regardless of who they are, where they're from or how old they are. I expect her to be courteous and considerate to all. In return, I expect others to be courteous and considerate towards her, and I strive to model these behaviours myself in my interactions with everyone, dd included.

Rosebel · 20/01/2020 13:32

The things you've mentioned aren't acceptable and my children would never behave that way because they know better.
However choosing their seat first in a restaurant isn't the same. I let the children sit where they like when we go out. To me it's not rude, it's just sitting down.

AlexaShutUp · 20/01/2020 13:36

damn, I don't think anyone is trying to justify entitled and rude behaviour, but from my perspective, it's equally entitled and rude for grown adults to throw their weight around and insist that they get their own way purely on the basis that they are adults. Adults' wishes automatically trumping those of children is just another form of entitlement.

What that presumably teaches children is that it's ok to behave in an entitled manner as long as you have the superior status to do so. I'm afraid those aren't the values that I want my dd to espouse.

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2020 13:41

@damnthatanxiety we have earned their respect - by providing for them, loving them, encouraging them, tending to their needs, building and creating our loving family. If this does not 'earn' their respect, I fear, nothing will. What on earth are your dc expecting from you before they deem you worthy of respect?

No, that is called PARENTING. That is a commitment you took on the day you decided to have children. What you have described above isn't a shopping list that your dc own you for, it's the basic needs of a child. What earth are you living on that you expect a child that YOU bought into this world to be eternally grateful for BASIC NECESSITIES!!!

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2020 13:42

*owe, not own

Bibidy · 20/01/2020 13:53

What I hate is when the kids all start deciding where they want to sit and who's going to sit next to them and all the adults stand around like drips waiting to be told where to go! My OH's family are like this.

And then often after we've all sat down one of the kids will start whining and crying that they're not next to X and then we're all forced to move! Ridiculous.

JUST SIT DOWN!

MonsteraCheeseplant · 20/01/2020 13:57

I do think that children should be brought up to be grateful for the things, including basic necessities, that are given to them. Not in a grovelling kind of way, but grateful and respectful yes. Otherwise you’re heading into entitled territory. I’m grateful for the roof over my head. It can’t be taken for granted even if it is a basic need.

coffeeandpyjamas · 20/01/2020 13:58

This is a total non-issue... just get the kids to move if they sit in the seat you want. Although if an adult is that particular about which seat to sit in and making sure they’re in the best one, you’ve got bigger problems. When I go out, I don’t care where I sit as long as the food is nice!

Hadenoughofitall441 · 20/01/2020 14:01

Like I said I don’t care where they sit, as long as they are sitting and not running around like feral animals, that gets my goat. I’m all for giving kids freedom but I don’t let them run around in a restaurant.

damnthatanxiety · 20/01/2020 14:02

differentnameforthis
What earth are you living on that you expect a child that YOU bought into this world to be eternally grateful for BASIC NECESSITIES!!!

I have clearly landed in a parallel universe. The things I mentioned .... creating a loving family, providing for their needs... yes. These are parenting. And it is this parenting that has earned me their respect. WHAT DO YOUR DC REQUIRE FROM YOU BEFORE YOU EARN THEIR RESPECT? Because it would appear providing for them, loving them, encouraging them, tending to their needs, building and creating our loving family is not enough for you and your Dc. What pray tell do YOU do that earns their respect???? What have you brought them up to expect??? Or do they just not respect you? Because right now, I am struggling to!

AlexaShutUp · 20/01/2020 14:18

Damn, your question wasn't directed at me, but I will answer it anyway. I do expect my dc to respect me, not because I'm their parent or older than them, nor because of anything that I have done. I expect them to respect me as I would expect them to respect any other human being. And I respect them as having equal worth and value.

It's clear that you expect your dc's to respect you. Can I ask if you have an equal respect for them?

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2020 14:23

@damnthatanxiety

Why does it automatically earn their respect? You created them for selfish reasons (as we all do). You owe them basic parenting and it is pretty much what you signed up for when you decided to have children. And I don't give a hoot whether you respect me or not. I don't need your respect!

My children respect me, but not because I decided they should exist, because I earned it. How doesn't matter. I have great relationships with my children.

To follow your theory I should also automatically respect my mother even though she emotionally abused me.

You didn't create your family for them, you did it for you. They weren't even here when you decided to create it.

Because it would appear providing for them, loving them, encouraging them, tending to their needs, building and creating our loving family is not enough for you and your Dc But you do all that, I do all that BECAUSE WE DECIDED TO BRING THEM INTO THIS WORLD! Sorry, but you don't earn respect just because you got pregnant, gave birth and provided basic needs.

Lizzie0869 · 20/01/2020 14:25

Clearly some of you have rarely dined out with eight other families

^indeed...
If I do go out with such a high number, the kids are given a separate table anyway.^

Quite, that saves a lot of stress. But I do agree that children should be brought up not to barge in like that.

firstimemamma · 20/01/2020 14:30

We can't afford to send our son to a posh school but we couldn't care less about seating arrangements when eating out. It sounds like we've got the happier and more relaxed family dynamic and I wouldn't change a thing. Life is too short to care about who sits where, who gets to pick first etc.

AlexaShutUp · 20/01/2020 14:30

Clearly some of you have rarely dined out with eight other families

This reminds me of that cringeworthy bit in Pride and Prejudice where Mrs Bennett starts boasting about how many families they dine with.Grin

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2020 14:33

@MonsteraCheeseplant I don't think providing basic things like a home, food, clothing and love is any reason to command respect. My mother did all that, and still abused me.

My point is, when you have a child you are committing to meet their most basic needs... food, clothing, a home, love. That's not an amazing gesture. It a basic gesture that doesn't deserve respect.

The rest.. cleaning up after them, driving them around, an allowance, holidays, buying them stuff they want (not need), meals out, days out, being fair, treating them as humans not as lesser beings just because they are younger, earns the respect.

My children respect me, they aren't entitled. They are appreciative that I work to buy them things they want, but I don't command respect for supplying things that I committed to give when I had a child.

DesLynamsMoustache · 20/01/2020 14:33

@AlexaShutUp Yes!!! GrinGrin

'I know we dine with four-and-twenty families!'

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2020 14:36

The driving around is as older children when socializing with their friends, not as in to school etc.

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 14:41

we have earned their respect - by providing for them, loving them, encouraging them, tending to their needs, building and creating our loving family

That’s basic parenting IMO.

I have earned - I hope - my daughters respect by treating her as an equal. As someone who is is listened to and her views taken into consideration.

differentnameforthis · 20/01/2020 14:50

@JacquesHammer I have earned - I hope - my daughters respect by treating her as an equal. As someone who is is listened to and her views taken into consideration

Snap. I am doing something right, as I do not have half the issues that some parents of teens seem to have. I do not expect respect for the most basic of parenting. That's a bit like getting a participation trophy just for turning up to the race!

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 14:56

I think OP’s right, in the situation OP described adults should decide where children sit.

For a family meal at Nando’s with 4 people then it doesn’t really matter.

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 14:58

I have earned - I hope - my daughters respect by treating her as an equal. As someone who is is listened to and her views taken into consideration.

I get your meaning but this isn’t really equality. Ultimately as the parent you decide so you can never have true equality until your children are adults. Which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.