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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To insist the kids are not equal?

298 replies

Elsielouise13 · 19/01/2020 21:45

Inspired by thread about sitting in the front of the car...

One thing I am fussy about when it comes to choosing seats is in a restaurant. I can’t stand it when children rush to seats ahead of adults in a restaurant and ‘bag the best options’. When we go for meals with friends I’ll always insist to my children they wait til the adults have chosen their seats before they sit down.

Several times I’ve been out with other parents who let the kids decide the seating and then struggle in and out for the duration of dinner.

I’ll be fecked if I’m paying for a meal and miss out on watching the room and get to only see my husband and the wall behind him.

And in our house the adults are the ones doing the adulting and that’s why my children spent most of the afternoon messing about about and I ironed school shirts.

OP posts:

damnthatanxiety · 19/01/2020 21:59

I'm with you OP. Whilst I'm all for treating DC with respect and all that, I think that some traditional manners are still relevant and that our society is worse for ignoring them. DC should in my mind ask, say please and thank you, not grab the best seats, sit in the back of the car, not answer back rudely and generally show respect to their elders. Not subservient grovelling but polite deference for the people who are managing their lives and providing for them and who are more than likely more tired and deserving of the respect. I think this is a root of many of societies ills. No respect for teachers, law enforcement, laws in general, rules etc.

Original poster

Elsielouise13 · 19/01/2020 22:00

Clearly some of you have rarely dined out with eight other families or visited Waga with 11 people.

And loving the “snippy” comment, of course it’s my choice about including children in “chores’ or otherwise - but my logic tells me since I didn’t begrudge ironing their clothes, despite the fact flattening fabric is a social convention, I have no need to make them do anything but be children .

They have enough pressures in their lives and indeed they’d spent the morning tidying, walking the dogs and looking after their individual pets. Can’t see that’s relevant

NB of course it doesn’t really matter. It’s mumsnet. Nothing really matters..

OP posts:

ViaSacra · 19/01/2020 22:00

Eh? There are 'best seats' at a restaurant table? Is that really something that preoccupies you?

I bet when you were younger, you were the sort of child you worried about whether you were going to get the biggest slice of cake, or whether you'd get one that was a few square millimetres smaller than your siblings... And now that you're an adult, you pretend it's for reasons of 'respect' - in reality, you're just selfish.

I hate people who constantly obsess over having the biggest or the best of really irrelevant things. I think it's incredibly unattractive and immature, and should have been left behind in childhood.

JosefKeller · 19/01/2020 22:01

It's rude for anyone to rush and chose the "best" option anyway.

As the OP is very high on etiquette, surely she takes turn to face the wall with her husband...

PPopsicle · 19/01/2020 22:02

Maybe you should try getting out the other side of your bed tomorrow OP? You know, the right side. (The one where you wake up happy)

JosefKeller · 19/01/2020 22:02

Clearly some of you have rarely dined out with eight other families

indeed...
If I do go out with such a high number, the kids are given a separate table anyway.

UndertheCedartree · 19/01/2020 22:02

I think it's a strange attitude but up to you. I don't think most adults would agree so can't really expect them to know you think you're entitled to the best seat

tictac86 · 19/01/2020 22:02

My dd is reminded that she is the child and we are the adults. She gets a bit big for her boots at 11 years old. Iv got worst to come I know as sc are older. But she is treated well and promoted to act accordingly in adult situations such as dining out.

purpledingyoverboard · 19/01/2020 22:02

A seats a seat! Your only there to eat food not move in ffs.

Newkitchen123 · 19/01/2020 22:04

I like looking at my husband. It's part of why I married him

Bringonspring · 19/01/2020 22:05

Weird

EmeraldShamrock · 19/01/2020 22:06

Kids sit together on a separate table, who wants little ears between adults.
Though in answer to AIBU to insist DC aren't equal. I agree in this house I wish they were equal but No they always come first and get much more than me.

Stompythedinosaur · 19/01/2020 22:07

I don't agree with this one. We are the sort of family that expects kids to give up seats for adults, and that adults generally sit in the front of the car, but unless there's a particularly narrow seat or something then I think kids have as much right choose seats.

If we are eating with another family then the dc want to sit with their friends, which is fairly understandable I think. Surely talking about it gives an opportunity to model thinking about everyone's needs?

Original poster

Elsielouise13 · 19/01/2020 22:08

There was an interesting and telling thread on here a few days ago where the camp was divided on the topic of whether a teacher could/should/would ever suggest a pupil could be arrogant. Just saying.

I want my children to be able to recognise when they need to moderate or escalate a behaviour, defer to or defy an authority.

Part of learning to do that is to understand that there are situations when they need to wait and not rush past others.

Comments about how much or otherwise I like looking at my husband are ridiculous. I love this board.

OP posts:

Casmama · 19/01/2020 22:09

I don't know if i would assign seats as better or worse but I would think it rude of my children if they were to rush ahead and choose seats and i would expect them to wait to be told where to sit. I wouldn't describe my children as equals but would always treat them with respect and expect the same back.
Families where there are not some sense of hierarchy often end up with pretty unbearable children in my experience.

ScurfyTwiglet · 19/01/2020 22:09

I find this attitude very strange. Extremely petty and sad. Let them have their fun, it's not hurting anyone? It's seating FFS. As an adult, you should know how to not be wound up by stupid stuff, be grateful for the family you have and get enjoyment from the fact that as a family you have a few hours to relax together. Why do you need power and authority and to feel like you are "above" them? Raising a family is stressful and hard, but surely when you're having some down time and investing in a decent family meal out, it's better to just watch your family be happy, rather than engage in some sort of bonkers power struggle?

Original poster

Elsielouise13 · 19/01/2020 22:10

Hate is a strong word. Maybe you don’t have the best of much...

OP posts:

edwinbear · 19/01/2020 22:10

Never been out with 8 other families, no, I don’t think I know that many people! That’s 30 odd people isn’t it? In that scenario if W didn’t hire a space exclusively, there would be kids tables and adults tables.

We go out with another family of 4 regularly, kids down one end of the table, adults at the other.

Jollitwiglet · 19/01/2020 22:11

I am a firm believer that children learn how to show respect to others, by showing respect to them. Lead by example and all that jazz.

When we go out together I ask my eldest (youngest is a newborn) where she would like to sit. She usually has a preference as to who she wants to sit next to (she is a toddler, but doesn't sit in a highchair). Then we organise ourselves around the table in a manner that everyone is happy with so everyone is happy.

Everyone picks their own battles. This is obviously something that is important to you. It is not something that is important to me. When at dinner I am happy as long as I am in a position to be able to converse with everyone while be able to tend to my children. You do as you please, and others will do as they please

Witchend · 19/01/2020 22:12

Don't get that means they're equal.

In a restaurant I'd encourage the children to sit in a way that would be least hassle for me. So not the two that niggle at each other next to each other, so they can get out so I don't have to fetch them refills of drink/move when they want the toilet.
If they're happy where they sit then they're more likely to get on nicely. That's my entire motivation for seating.

Herpesfreesince03 · 19/01/2020 22:13

I’d rather have the wall and my dinner guests and partner to look at than random strangers tbh, and let the kids keep themselves busy by people watching, so I don’t get your argument at all

PlanDeRaccordement · 19/01/2020 22:13

Very odd. Think it is unreasonable for adults to sit first and then children to fend for themselves. Normal people settle their children first and then sit down.

cybergran · 19/01/2020 22:13

if you show your children it is ok to prioritise your own needs wants all the time, then they are going to learn that it is ok to prioritise their needs and wants all the time... why would they learn anything different?

i don't actually know what the point of the opening post was but i did find it quite uncomfortable reading. sounds like you have a bit of a dysfunctional approach to parenting.

WildChristmas · 19/01/2020 22:13

I admit my children have been getting the best seats in cafes and trains for quite a while now and I do think, hang on, I do everything for you guys! Give me a break!

CalleighDoodle · 19/01/2020 22:15

I like to see the room ina restaurant so i agree with that.

I dont agree with children not having appropriate responsibilities. How will they learn?

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