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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To insist the kids are not equal?

298 replies

Elsielouise13 · 19/01/2020 21:45

Inspired by thread about sitting in the front of the car...

One thing I am fussy about when it comes to choosing seats is in a restaurant. I can’t stand it when children rush to seats ahead of adults in a restaurant and ‘bag the best options’. When we go for meals with friends I’ll always insist to my children they wait til the adults have chosen their seats before they sit down.

Several times I’ve been out with other parents who let the kids decide the seating and then struggle in and out for the duration of dinner.

I’ll be fecked if I’m paying for a meal and miss out on watching the room and get to only see my husband and the wall behind him.

And in our house the adults are the ones doing the adulting and that’s why my children spent most of the afternoon messing about about and I ironed school shirts.

OP posts:
DesLynamsMoustache · 20/01/2020 15:01

I think there are just different parenting philosophies, really. We are a laid back family. We don't tend to care about petty stuff, imagined slights, etc. We assume the best of each other and others around us, not the worst, and, yes, believe that everyone is equal in terms of having their feelings and wants respected. If we go out for dinner with our daughter, she is an equal member of the party and will be welcome to join in with conversations.

We are kind to each other and other people and believe the best way to teach kindness and respect is for DD to see it every day, including in our interactions with her. I don't want her to 'respect' adults because she's always being told or shown she's inferior to them and has to follow arbitrary hierarchical rules. I want her to have respect people because she is kind and actually understands the value of being a nice person. She'll learn to offer for someone else to sit in the front seat because she has empathy and wants to be a kind person, not because she's been told that adults always sit in the front 'just because'.

DesLynamsMoustache · 20/01/2020 15:07

This reminds me of a really long thread a while ago where an 11yo or something girl hadn't said /had forgotten to say thank you to the OP after getting a lift somewhere. The range of responses on that thread was really interesting and showed a similar thing to on here: that there are just different ways of parenting.

I was in the camp that it wouldn't even register with me, if this was an otherwise polite and nice friend of my DD's, but others were outraged, and it was very alien to me. So I think we just have our own methods and philosophies, and the difficulty comes when we interact with others with an opposing philosophy and offence is caused or taken where none was meant, because families just do things differently.

Cheeseandwin5 · 20/01/2020 15:14

I find these really odd and its not something I would think about.
When we go out ( we are a family of 6) we dont really have a structure about who sits where.
We are not there to have the best views of the room or not to see next to our DPs.
It really is all about spending time together as a family.
I can understand that in a big groups things may need to be more organised, but even then I find the kids will gravitate to one part of the table. As long as I sit next to ppl/kids I can talk/laugh with I am not really bothered.

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 15:45

I get your meaning but this isn’t really equality. Ultimately as the parent you decide so you can never have true equality until your children are adults

It absolutely is equality. We decide everything through discussion, nobody's point of view has any more weight than others. Sometimes it goes my way, sometimes it doesn't, but decisions are made on which opinion is the best, not who is the oldest.

damnthatanxiety · 20/01/2020 16:30

AlexaShutUp I love my Dc completely and unconditionally. Unconditional love includes respect. It has too. Otherwise it would not be unconditional Grin. They are in their 20s now and we have a fabulous relationship that has grown and developed as they have. We banter and they take the mickey out of me, teasing me as I do them. But they still respect me as their mother who has worked hard for their comfort and made sacrifices (time and or financial) along the way to ensure they had a good life. When we go out for a meal, they still ask me where I would like to sit before grabbing a chair for themselves. They wouldn't think to prance on ahead and sit before asking.

damnthatanxiety · 20/01/2020 16:35

JacquesHammer I would suggest that with all the discussions in the world, the 'point of view' that has the most weight is your because you are the parent.
You: where shall we go on holiday?
Dc Australia
You: Darling we can't afford Australia
Dc: but my opinion is just as valid as yours
Confused

You: what shall we have for supper?
Dc: Lobster
You: well as we have £10 for all of us I guess it is going to be pasta
Dc: but my opinion is just as valid as yours...
Confused

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 16:39

I would suggest that with all the discussions in the world, the 'point of view' that has the most weight is your because you are the parent

I would suggest that I probably know more about my parenting than you do. Grin

In both your examples the issue wouldn’t be my opinion it would be fact that the money was an issue.

GrumpyHoonMain · 20/01/2020 16:39

In my family the kids must sit together on a separate table

DesLynamsMoustache · 20/01/2020 16:41

But their opinions are as valid. It doesn't mean that their opinion will be the one that is chosen.

lotsofoysters · 20/01/2020 16:53

In my family the kids must sit together on a separate table

How sad, kids learn by example and sitting at a table with adults helps them learn all of the social skills they need for eating out.

ColourMyDreams · 20/01/2020 17:00

I was born profoundly deaf, so I always sit with my back to the wall, not just in restaurants but at home too.
I can't hear anything behind me so my spatial awareness is all about what I can see. I need to be able to 'read' the room.
You could call it subconsciously assessing for danger I suppose.
My husband tends to sit opposite me and the kids are usually sat beside and opposite.
I lip read and use sign language, so a lot of the times they 'speak for me'.
So in essence, yes, I've always directed the kids to seats.
We always seem to automatically arrange ourselves with the same seating arrangements that we have at home.
However, if I had a normal range of hearing then I probably wouldn't care where anyone sat as long as they were comfortable and had enough elbow space to enjoy their meal.

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 17:05

@JacquesHammer

In both your examples the issue wouldn’t be my opinion it would be fact that the money was an issue

Even if you had the money to go to Australia you as the adult may see that it’s not the best way to spend the money and would veto the suggestion. You can call it discussion but ultimately you decide.

Oaky321 · 20/01/2020 17:07

It is correct etiquette to give women the view of the restaurant and the men to sit facing them.

So in the OP, you don’t have a children problem, you have a DH problem.

FizzyIce · 20/01/2020 17:41

What? I think you’re the only person who fights their kids for seats in restaurants..
what a weird bloody thread

FizzyIce · 20/01/2020 17:42

@GrumpyHoonMain and take a table away from other diners rather than have your family at 1 table ?
Nice

Redglitter · 20/01/2020 17:48

In my family the kids must sit together on a separate table

That's really sad. I cant imagine that happening in our family. If were dining out its as a family. I love the conversations that we have round the table - as a family. If the adults dont want children around why not just leave them at home. The concept of a children's table is odd

Is watching the room a thing too? I couldn't care what else is going on in the room my attention is on the people I'm with

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 17:51

@FizzyIce

They may not fit on one table. Why do you assume they are unnecessarily using two tables? Confused

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 18:06

Even if you had the money to go to Australia you as the adult may see that it’s not the best way to spend the money and would veto the suggestion. You can call it discussion but ultimately you decide

If the money had a better use, we wouldn’t have the money would we?

You can call it my decision but ultimately my daughter and I make every decision together as to what works best for us. We make decisions by discussing.

FizzyIce · 20/01/2020 18:10

@Highonpotandused because you can then get two tables put together but that wasn’t what the poster said ....

damnthatanxiety · 20/01/2020 18:34

If the money had a better use, we wouldn’t have the money would we?

well yes, it's called 'saving'. Normally, people don't throw all their money at things just because they have it. Well sensible adults don't. Children on the other hand may well do..which is why WE make the decisions.

mbosnz · 20/01/2020 18:41

We make decisions by discussing, very much so, but ultimately, DH and I have greater insight on key factors in many decisions. So in that sense, our vote may carry the decision.

Exhibit A was emigrating over here. The girls got a say, but ultimately the responsibility of the end decision lay with us. (Thank God it worked out okay!)

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 18:42

well yes, it's called 'saving'

And if we had to save for it, that would be part of the discussion.

There’s no tricky concept here, just a different method of parenting that works really well for us.

AlexaShutUp · 20/01/2020 18:48

Why can't people understand that giving equal weight to children's wants and preferences doesn't mean giving them everything that they want. Of course, there will be practicalities to consider, like money, time, logistics etc, and as an adult, it's your responsibility to factor those things in to the decision making process. It's more about mindset, I think, and not automatically assuming that the adults' wants and preferences will take precedence.

Highonpotandused · 20/01/2020 18:49

And if we had to save for it, that would be part of the discussion.

Contributing to a discussion is not equality. As @mbosnz
says, the adults' votes carry the decision.

I think what's more likely is your dd is sensible and has worked out what would be acceptable to you and what wouldn't.

JacquesHammer · 20/01/2020 18:50

Contributing to a discussion is not equality. As @mbosnz says, the adults' votes carry the decision

And as I keep saying not in this house. As I’ve just said, it’s a different way of parenting that works for us.