To find this very uncomfortable?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

Did anyone else see the BBC coverage about being a ‘tradwife’?

Basically it includes submitting to your husband and being the homemaker, with no other role. The traditional housewife and spoiling your husband like it’s 1959.

I was very uncomfortable watching it, partly because I realised it’s my 60 year old mother.
She never went back to work when she had me 30 years ago, then went on to have my brother.
She has a small amount of savings, but zero income. She relies on my dad entirely. They have the traditional role and always have done, my father worked 9-5 all week (and longer) and my mother stayed at home and looked after the home and us. Even when we went to school she continued to stay at home.
She now has no friends she’s in contact with, does basically everything with my dad or brother (who still lives at home) and continues to ‘look after them’. My dad and brother do none of their own washing or ironing. She makes all the meals and does all the cleaning and always has done.
She doesn’t drive so she relies completely on my dad. It really worries me, as she has no concept of paying bills or online banking, she’s never paid a bill in her life or had to deal with anything financial. She has only just learnt how to use a cash point.
I’m really worried if something happens to my dad.
She also has zero skill set, except for some office work 30 years ago...she hasn’t even done any volunteering or anything in the meantime, although I keep mentioning it.
Even when they were financially struggling when we were kids (they’re very comfortable now) my mum didn’t go out and get a job and my dad ended up working two jobs.

Anyway, just wondered your thoughts and I guess I feel really uncomfortable about it, as it’s essentially my childhood and my ‘
parent’s life beyond that.

Seriously, leave your mother alone. She's made it clear that she doesn't want to talk about it. How would you feel if she was interfering in your marriage and the way your household is run.

@Sugarplumfairy65 I’m just worried about her and also what will happen if she’s on her own eventually.
I also feel sad for her and that she’s perhaps missing out on so many things.
She may be happy and content now, which is fine, but she’s in her own little bubble. She even hates getting public transport, and avoids it as much as possible, she doesn’t drive, so how will she get around if she ends up on her own?!

You've raised your concerns though, and she hasn't been receptive to your suggestions, so really your only option is to let her get on with it. Don't keep bringing it up.

@CathyandHeathcliff
I think you are right to be concerned, have you asked your Dad to broach the topic with her? perhaps encouraging her to do some of the household jobs? Does she do the grocery shop?

This is my life now and I love it!

But is it really? Do you have no friends at all? Do you ever socialise without your husband? do you have no clue how to pay a bill or make a claim on car insurance? That is what the OP is describing - not someone who stays home and keeps house. I am home at the moment (like you worked for many years) for various reasons mostly relating to a child with extra needs. but I have many friends, a career I could go back to, and I run our finances and day to day admin/future planning etc. The OP is actually right to be worried a bit about her mother - she is entirely without backup or resources other than her husband. That's wouldn't be good for anyone.

OP, have you thought maybe of starting an activity with your mum? Pilates or craft class or something? she might go if she had someone with her and she might be surprised how much she liked it. What does your dad think? Does she socialise even with cousins or sisters?

Tbh I suspect from what you say she has anxiety or fear of public/outwards life and has deliberately constructed her life so she isn't challenged in any way. It is pretty sad.

My DM lived that life. My Dad died when she was 45 & as a 19 yr old at Uni, I had to teach her to write a cheque, go househunting with her, help with all sorts that these days would be just automatic adult life skills. I coached her & typed up a CV & helped her get a p/t job as she was going mad with boredom, provided hours of emotional support (with none in return, while I studied & throughout, never missed an essay deadline) . She was like a younger sibling I had to support. I really think that's why I avoid living with anyone, I don't want to rely on anyone for anything & I really struggle with asking for help. I'll only ask after every single avenue I've tried hasnt worked & then friends exclaim why didn't you say before...

@pallisers you’ve described it much better than I ever could...she definitely has anxiety, but won’t admit it. She has also definitely constructed her life so she doesn’t need to interact with the outside world anymore than she needs to. I can’t imagine her ever getting a job, probably partly because I’ve never seen it!

I would join a club or something with her, but unfortunately we don’t live near to each other, I moved away about 5 years ago now. She does visit me, my DP and my DS occasionally, but not very often, and barely ever by herself. She really struggles on public transport and as I’ve mentioned further up she also doesn’t drive.

She has no sisters, but she has brothers, one who has passed away, but she barely sees the other.
She used to see/speak to my nan (her mum) almost everyday, we lived very close to her when growing up. She passed away a few years ago.
She occasionally sees her sister in law, but that’s about it nowadays.

The other thing about joining clubs etc, is that anything I’ve suggestrd, she just says no to or makes an excuse as to why not.
She’s not really into anything exercise wise, she goes for a daily walk (about 30 mins around the streets where they live). She won’t take up anything new. And says she “doesn’t want to do volunteering”. I feel like I’ve exhausted the options.
She keeps on about when my dad retires they will join things together, groups etc. But they don’t have the same interests and again it means they don’t spend any time away from each other...but I guess I’ve just got to accept this is how it’s going to be. But I am anxious about the future and how it’ll all play out.

My sister in law lives like this and she's only 44. She hasn't worked since having children and both are at secondary school. Her mother was the same and I don't buy it being an age thing. My GM is older than my MIL and my Nan always worked, helped to run my GF's shop, helped to raise all of us, started lunch cubs for the elderly, youth clubs and became a councillor.

With MIL and SIL it's very much an anxiety thing.

@Andromeida59 I definitely think it’s an anxiety thing with my mum too but she won’t say that. I just wish she would then maybe we could help her.

It really confuses me when people say children being brought up by sahm’s might grow up with a limited view of their potential and “repeat the cycle”... if the history books are right it was a generation of 50’s style housewives that raised the 70’s era of free thinkers and 80’s era of baby boomers who work their socks off, fought against “the man” and created some of the most inspiring female CEO’s we know of! If it were true how did these movements even happen?
Do people think these sahm’s don’t talk to their children? That they don’t celebrate their kids skills/ strengths and encourage them to take the world by storm??!! Do they think sahm’s enforce Victorian belief system and tell them women should be seen and not heard...???

the little darlings who stayed in with mum tend to be spoiled and unable to share as they’ve not socialised as well as nursery kids

I take issue with this remark and its sneery tone.

It stands to reason that a parent who is going to be dealing with the results of his or her parenting until the child turns 18 has more of a vested interest in teaching good behaviour than someone who won't see a given child ever again once they move on to school, and who gets to clock out from a nursery at 6pm with their whole evening ahead of them.

Ttcbabybennett
There was a lot of unhappiness and valium and quiet alcoholism in the 1950s, lots of domestic violence that women could do nothing about, and an oppressive class system that magnified the oppression of women.

I also think that if someone does her work cheerfully, with a positive attitude, and is organised, interested in people and the world outside the home, disciplined, and an all round effective manager and technician around the home she is setting a great example for children. Someone who drags herself off to work late every day and spends every evening moaning about it, has a tip for a home, and phones it in when it comes to meals, etc is less likely to bring up go-getters in any arena.

I can see your points but iis she happy? Because if she is, it's her life. Are you worried something will happen at one of them and they will start relying on you? It's a valid concern.

I understand there are downsides to the "stay at home mum" model. However, liberals never admit that that single motherhood and/or two working parents is not ideal either.

The average woman overworks herself and postpones motherhood. This has huge downsides including

1. The children of older parents have more mutational load.
2. Stressed mothers impact on children's health
3. Oversupply lowers wages (especially in low skilled occupations). This has decimated family life in working class neighbourhoods. This has obvious knock on effects on crime & community cohesion & mental health.

Currently the groups with the highest fertility are extremely religious migrant populations (whose women stay at home) and people on benefits.

This is just another example of liberal/progressive types thinking the grass is greener and finding out its astro turf.

My mum and my mother in law never worked, they were 'housewives'. It wasn't unusual when I was a kid. However when they were widowed they were quite able to take care of themselves, their homes and finances and though they were obviously sad to be bereaved, each of them had a good life thereafter. Neither of them drove but had never wanted to, however people can manage without a car.

My mother ruled the roost at home even though my dad was the breadwinner; mother and father in law seemed quite equal, she would have liked to return to work but lost confidence, however latterly she did do a course and worked part time for a while at a children's nursery which she found very rewarding.

It wouldn't have suited me, certainly not long term, I enjoyed going to work but the parents lived in a different era where being a SAHM was not unusual. There were exceptions, I remember when I was a child at school some mothers worked but they were professional people, doctor, teacher or whatever and they didn't work full time.

All I'm saying is don't worry too much about your mum because she will cope better than you imagine if she has to. Regarding her doing everything for your dad and brother, presumably she receives money from them and regards it as her job. Many working people employ a housekeeper and your mum is that. I know my mother always managed to save some money for her own use, in laws were generally better off anyway but MIL put money aside.

Reading this back I am struck by what a flipping useless housekeeper I would have been had I never gone out to work but that's by the by.

The important thing is that your mum is content with her life right now. We can't peer into the future but she has you and your brother to advise her if necessary.

You do sound like a caring daughter.

Mathanxiety don’t get me wrong I don’t think the 50’s were a dream Era at all I just get frustrated at comments about “housewives” not being able to raise anything but more housewives xx

@Ttcbabybennett Given that the only known social models to produce enough children to continue into the future are ones in which the majority of women spend their child bearing years at home seems to me we should be more grateful to housewives and the husbands with the ability to support them. Given the mass entry of women into the workforce (coupled with mass migration) it is quite hard for the average couple to finance such an arrangement without taxpayer subsidy.

My DPs are like this and I find it very stressful to be around, DF will issue commands and DM will instantly do as is dictated, ie make immediate cups of tea etc if DM goes out she will make lunch for DF and leave it ready for him she cannot go anywhere until “he is ok” DF absolutely would not be able to function without DM they have no friends to speak of, don’t socialise and it’s been like this forever. DF has attempted over the years to turn me into DM mark two and we have butted heads over it.

One of my close friends also has the trad wife role, has never worked at all, can’t drive, stays home all day, only now it’s with a new partner rather than husband so same lifestyle different man and none of the rights or protection of marriage, her name isn’t even on the rent! If he chose to dump her/dropped dead tomorrow she would have nothing. It doesn’t matter how much I try to drum into her she needs to resolve this she has a deal with it tomorrow attitude.

@Tara336 I agree there are downsides. But there are also upsides. Like not having to work long hours. Having plenty of children. Having more input into your childrens lives. Not being a wage slave.

Most men and woman are not high flying people who can have it all. They want stable families and stable work. I would argue that mass female employment has done more harm to society than good. Our current social model can't even reproduce itself. So even in the most basic terms of generational survival it is a non-starter.

@Frankslater my mum would cope fine, financially and to some degree emotionally. But my friend has no money of her own, relies on her new partner completely for everything (and friends and family for transport) has never paid NI and is pretty much invisible. How she would fund herself should the worst happen seems of no concern to her and she doesn’t have a grasp on reality at all, I worry for her.

@Tara336 In a functioning society people are expected to pair up. Then social & legal pressures are brought to bare for both sides to maintain the relationship with their respective duties. The tragedy for women like your friend is that they rely on men but all the social & legal pressures for men to look after them have gone. Similarly for men the tragedy is most of them can't afford to sustain a stable family - & the state will happily dismantle it on the wifes say so.

There are consequences to undermining marriage and forcing people into wage slavery.