To find this very uncomfortable?

[CathyandHeathcliff]

Did anyone else see the BBC coverage about being a ‘tradwife’?

Basically it includes submitting to your husband and being the homemaker, with no other role. The traditional housewife and spoiling your husband like it’s 1959.

I was very uncomfortable watching it, partly because I realised it’s my 60 year old mother.
She never went back to work when she had me 30 years ago, then went on to have my brother.
She has a small amount of savings, but zero income. She relies on my dad entirely. They have the traditional role and always have done, my father worked 9-5 all week (and longer) and my mother stayed at home and looked after the home and us. Even when we went to school she continued to stay at home.
She now has no friends she’s in contact with, does basically everything with my dad or brother (who still lives at home) and continues to ‘look after them’. My dad and brother do none of their own washing or ironing. She makes all the meals and does all the cleaning and always has done.
She doesn’t drive so she relies completely on my dad. It really worries me, as she has no concept of paying bills or online banking, she’s never paid a bill in her life or had to deal with anything financial. She has only just learnt how to use a cash point.
I’m really worried if something happens to my dad.
She also has zero skill set, except for some office work 30 years ago...she hasn’t even done any volunteering or anything in the meantime, although I keep mentioning it.
Even when they were financially struggling when we were kids (they’re very comfortable now) my mum didn’t go out and get a job and my dad ended up working two jobs.

Anyway, just wondered your thoughts and I guess I feel really uncomfortable about it, as it’s essentially my childhood and my ‘
parent’s life beyond that.

[JKScot4]

@1forsorrow
Your gran sounds like she was a great lady.

[karencantobe]

@CathyandHeathcliff Which I think is one of the biggest downsides of this. A lot of women lose confidence if stuck at home for years. She probably needs someone to go with to a club or volunteering. I can understand she would find it too scary to do alone.

[Flusteredcustard]

Didn't see the programme but think that skysblue says it can be a choice to benefit the children, , and a woman of today is highly likely to not be like some women of yesteryear who were not allowed to drive, have own bank account whatever, by their husband. Most women will have had the experience of looking after themselves before they married and had children. My own mother didn't work apart from some part-time stuff when I was little, but she drove, and made sure she paid national insurance when she no longer got a credit for child rearing years. I know women younger than she is that were not allowed to learn to drive for example. The generation previous to hers, was hard on many, father's cousin had to keep her maiden name after marriage and was known as Miss maiden name until she retired as she'd have had to have given up her job had they known she was married. She didn't learn to drive but when widowed learnt to drive at 70. I only just missed being able to pay the married woman's stamp, which entitled you to f all, didn't count towards a pension or anything
In many traditional marriages where I'm from the man would hand over the paypacket at the end of the week, and be given back what he needed for the week, for any transport, fags, entertainment, the wife would divvy up the pay packet so that she could pay everything that the family needed, food, clothing club, rent, bills, insurance, holidays, and she would run the household, were perhaps the households where the husband did all that maybe middle class ones.
It was very much different when I had my children, women did go back to work but not usually until the children had gone to school and were settled there.
I suspect put tradwife back in 1959 as it was then and she would not like it as much as she does these days

[1forsorrow]

JKScott she was amazing and wonderful and had a hard life. She left school at 12, worked hard, ended up divorced bringing up her children alone at a time (1930s) when divorce was virtually unheard of for a working class woman. My mother said as an adult she realised there hadn't been enough food, my grandmother would set out a meal for her kids and have a slice of bread and butter telling the children she had already eat. I could cry thinking of what she went through and yet my memories of her of an old lady playing Elvis records and dancing round the living room and dragging me to the cinema to see the latest James Bond film with a portion chips to eat on the walk home. God bless her.

[MatildaTheCat]

OP, this isn’t a generation thing at all. It’s a MH thing.

Very sad and tricky but getting her to engage with her GP and recognise that she’s missing out on lots of life’s good stuff would be more productive than joy pushing her into volunteering etc.

[BlouseAndSkirt]

A choice over division of labour is fine, especially now that people do have more leeway for making that choice (though often badly undermined for the partner who has a significant career break), and either sex can, in principle, make that choice.

This is equality.

What is not OK is the linking of 'submission' to the trad wife role.

Take on the Trad wife part of the household team work, but it should be within an equal team.

Otherwise what was all that fighting for equality for?

Or is seems like some kind of sexual perversion.

That's why it makes me feel uncomfortable.

[pallisers]

OP, this isn’t a generation thing at all. It’s a MH thing.

I agree. 60 is really young - it certainly wouldn't have been a generational expectation to stay home and do all the housework back in the early 1980s which is when you mum and dad presumably married. I was at a birthday dinner for a 61 year old last night - she has a 20 year old child, works in IT, is married, etc. My other 60 year old friend is the main breadwinner in the house. This is pretty unusual for a 60year old I would say.

My mother was born in 1927. She had to give up work when she married. She had multiple circles of friends, dad helped with kids/house, she volunteered, took classes, drove (taught dad to drive actually) and was completely independent.

I suspect your mum has retreated from the world a bit when she was younger and it has now become a habit. People can chose whatever lifestyle they want but it is definitely a worry if a woman can't drive, doesn't have friends, doesn't know how to do life admin or pay a bill. If anything happens her husband she is going to be horribly isolated and will be left trying to figure out all those things while bereaved.

She is only 60 - she could learn all these things. She could change - but she can't be made to change.

[VenusTiger]

@CathyandHeathcliff She relies on my dad entirely. but surely, he relies on her entirely too. It's called a partnership. If it works and they're both happy, what's the problem? Worked/works for my parents in their 70s (my dad still works) and I'm a SAHM. No control issues here at all.

[JKScot4]

@pallisers
I agree 60 is young now, unless there is an actual intellectual disability there is no need for the lack of knowledge. Learning basic life skills is not difficult, any SAHM I’ve known usually do all the finances and family plans: holidays home purchases etc, for a woman of 60 to have no knowledge of anything other than cooking and cleaning is very very unusual. To be fair why has your dad not encouraged her to take on some tasks? Does he not tire of her helplessness?

[mathanxiety]

I suspect you are never going to change your mum - most likely as some PPs have remarked, this choice of hers is something to do with some MH/personality issue. It's very possible that you will be the one taking care of her if she is left without your dad. However, if they are well off and your dad and mum have both made wills and have done power of attorney things might work out, financially at least.

The person to be concerned for is your brother. I would try to work on him.

I wouldn't go the SAHM route without a prenuptial agreement that guaranteed financial security and enough money to retrain for a career if everything went tits up. I agree with Flirtygirl that there should be a pension pot for the person doing the work at home - and I would also strongly advise a current account and savings account for that person, with a decent amount deposited into it monthly as income.

[TheHumanSatsuma]

I’m 62, it definitely wasn’t the norm for the time, but no 2 relationships, or people, are the same. If it worked for them, then it was OK.
My mum (born 1926) worked, mostly from necessity, but her job was an important part of who she was.

Personally, I would have gone stir crazy being at home all the time.
I worked part-time as a teacher while my children were small.

[EstuaryBird]

Funnily, when I read the initial post, I thought Ah, but your mum’s 60, older women are more Trad....

A few minutes later I realised with horror that I’m 65 and your Mum is younger than me!

Anyway, happy to announce that I’m about the least Trad wife you could ever meet

[adaline]

Both my parents worked very long hours when I was younger and I spent most of my time in some form of childcare. As a result I want the opposite for my children. I massively resented my parents not being around for me as much as they could have been.

I think if someone wants to stay home (and their partner is happy for them to do so, and they are protected by marriage) then it's nobody else's business. I currently don't work due to MH issues and I've honestly never been happier. I've taken on all the domestic work, shopping, pet care and such and it's great. I will go back to work when I'm better but I'm strongly considering dropping a day or two and going back part-time for a better balance.

DH on the other hand loves working and would be driven mad if he had to stay home. He's quite happy for me to work less hours and do the bulk of the domestic side of things as it means our two days off together can actually be spent having fun.

[redbushtea]

they’re very comfortable now

This sentence in your op stood out to me. Your parents lifestyle worked for them with them now being very comfortably off. Half of all the assets now belong to your mother.

In the end it is your mother's choice.

[IdblowJonSnow]

Yanbu to feel this way. It's not a healthy way to live regardless of age/generation even if its how people choose to live or slide into those ways without realizing.
Could you spend a bit of time with her and gently suggest hobbies or find out what she likes doing/has any goals you and your dad could encourage?
Not sure what else you could reasonably do.

[MiniGuinness]

I can’t get over your dad working two jobs while she stayed home. In the 90s. Both my grandparents (born in the 20s) always worked. I also think it unusual (and worrying) that she has no friends and can’t do basic tasks like driving or paying bills.

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

My experiences have led me to believe that childcare under age 4-5 is very harmful in the majority of cases. Now he’s older, I can glance around my son’s class and spot the kids who’ve been in childcare young because the ones who benefitted from having a sahm are much more mature... and kinder.

Sure you can

[LisaSimpsonsbff]

Also, if you earned 3 times your DH's salary before having children why on earth didn't he give up work if you both thought it was essential to have a SAHP @Skysblue?

[littlepaddypaws]

so what if some women choose to be a traditional house wife, it's their choice they now the score.but it's a problem if they are forced into it by a controlling partner.

[VBT2]

I found it really disingenuous. It’s not “traditional” living in the way that our parents, grandparents etc used to live (based on societal norms), it’s not stay-at-home-parenting either, it’s a weird role-play kind of traditional living for their own gratification.

Also, I got the impression the wife in the video is also a YouTuber on this theme, so she isn’t a “traditional wife” anyway, she has the most 21st century job in the world.

[JKScot4]

@Lisa
I’m at the highlighted comment too.
Personally the little darlings who stayed in with mum tend to be spoiled and unable to share as they’ve not socialised as well as nursery kids.
Whoever posted that needs to get a grip or take off her judgy pants.

[everythingisginandroses]

The majority of parents can't afford for one to stay at home f/t, so it's irrelevant. My grandfather worked full-time on the railway and my grandmother still had to work to support their 5 children - not exactly a source of pride to him, but they did what they had to do. I do come across low earners where the wife doesn't work, but they are basically reliant on the state to sustain this.

[JasperRising]

I am always intrigued as to why people wanting to emulate 'traditional' values and lifestyles consistently home in on the 1950s? Being flippant, I quite fancy being a #tradwife 950s style....

More seriously though there does seem to be a fetishization (not necessarily in the sexual sense) of the 1950s but it is a glossy, middle class view of the the 1950s that as a pp said seems more like adverts - which would have presented an aspirational lifestyle - than reality.

And plenty of women have worked for centuries. And those that didn't has a much harder time of being a housewife. It just seems a weird role play fantasy life to me...

[SunsetBoulevard3]

My mother had a life like that. She did go back to work for about ten years when her youngest child was 12. However she had no idea about money really. She retired in her fifties and my father had control of all the money again. He died, and she had no idea at all what to do. I have recently been sorting through her affairs and found she's been paying ludicrous amounts for car insurance, has policies she doesn't need, doesn't actually know how much money she has, etc.
She's never booked a holiday or dealt with any major purchase.
However its up to your parents how they live their own lives. It's probably too late for her to change now.

[Thinkingabout1t]

Reading more, I have to laugh at the "tradwife" idea that a woman's traditional role was staying home as an exclusive servant to her husband. Most women throughout history have had to work for their living, spinning, sewing, growing food etc.

But it's not really about tradition, is it? It's either some kind of reactionary political stance or a sexual thing, being "submissive" to a man. A game that a woman can only afford to play if protected by 21st century legal and social services, in case the man takes his dominant role-playing too far.